Struggling with my daughter's hurtful behaviour and its effect on us.

[Daughteradhd]

Hi, I really need some advice about the relationship with my 10 year old daughter. She was diagnosed ADHD last year but I suspect like myself she is AuDHD.

Ever since she was about 5 she has told me in outbursts that she doesn’t like me as a mum. She now usually says something along the lines of, what kind of mother are you, I wouldn’t expect a mother like you to care about me etc etc. She has no friends in school because she is verbally unkind in situations and now no one wants to be her friend. She hates her sister. I am really really struggling and I hate this but it is effecting the way I feel about her. She always ruins any family day out because something will happen and she will then become very dark and unkind. I have fought so hard for her, to get her the diagnosis, to explain to everyone so they understand and make allowances. But at the end of the day people don’t want her around because she becomes verbally very scathing.

The words she says to me are now starting to affect our relationship. I’ve tried so hard to just accept it’s part of the ADHD. I myself have the same thing but I’ve never been unkind to people. She keeps making comments about me being a rubbish mum because I don’t make her feel the way she wants. But I literally can’t, I have another child. She wants me to love her more than her sister but I can’t as I love them equal. She looks me in the eye and just tells I am not like a proper mum, like everyone else has. But then everyone else’s children aren’t doing this. There isn’t a single person who she likes because eventually they do something to upset her and she burns the bridge.

I don’t know what is happening. Does anyone have any advice?

Keep trying to get her diagnosed, over the years.
It's possible that she has a personality disorder, but they won't agree to give that diagnosis till (late) teenagehood.
If that is the case it cannot be changed, nor can the behavior be managed.

Hugs - we have someone similar in the family....

I’m not sure about the adhd but when mine were teens they regularly told me I was a shit mum.

it was usually because I’d said they couldn’t do something or I wouldn’t give them a lift.

in all honesty, I just ignored it. It was just anger talking. Ideally they wouldn’t have said it but children are not known for their emotional control.

This sounds incredibly tough. I'd stop pandering to it. Tell her she will just have to be disappointed and that you are disappointed back at her lack of gratitude for all that you do for her but continue to tell her you love her. You cannot change other people just your reaction to it. Kids always act out the worst for the person they feel safest with and I suspect this is an extreme version of that.

I don’t know if she loves me or genuinely hates me. She does say she doesn’t mean it but she does have those thoughts in her head for them to come out. She just doesn’t seem to like anyone as they do behave exactly as she wants.

Stop feeding it can you grey rock to some extent with very neutral words like “I’m sorry you feel like that, then all breezy shall we go to x… so your acknowledging it but not giving it energy? I appreciate it’s really hard (I have two teens both ND). You can’t change what she says but you can control your reaction to it. She sounds deeply anxious and unhappy but by being angry it’s a protection against letting anyone in. The books “Ways to be me” by Libby Scott may help as they are written by an autistic girl through the ages 10-14. My daughter really related to them and helped us to talk through the things she was struggling with. The hormones have a lot to answer for as well and peaked A lot of anger between 9-13yrs. My DD is nearly 15 now and we educate out of mainstream school she is much happier in herself with medication as well.

It sounds like as a pp suggested there might be wider issues such as a personality disorder bubbling under the surface. I think she is using you as a punch bag to project all her feelings of inadequacy, because she isn't feeling right or happy but is unable to articulate or understand it yet. I wonder if a therapist might help her?

What makes you think there's a personality disorder going on? Are you a professional in this area? I'm curious.

I understand that she mustn’t be feeling very happy. But she isn’t acting in any ways that make people feel warm towards her. Her behaviour pushes everyone away, she doesn’t seem to want relationships (unless they go exactly her way and she doesn’t need to consider anyone or their feelings).

Will she talk about her feelings and behaviour at other times when she isn’t in a combative mood? Do you have any pets? How is she with them?

It’s so very sad. I hate to think that she is unhappy. She isn’t like this all the time. When it all goes her way or she gets things she wants then she is very happy. But she isn’t able to consider anyone else which is where it all goes wrong. She says the most awful things to people so obviously they don’t want to play with her. I don’t know where the horrible comments come from.

OP I can relate to this. My DC same age can be hurtful too in a v similar sounding way, also very emotionally dysregulated. It's very tough. To my shame I've said some not nice things back when at the end of my tether.

I try to do reflective listening and take inspiration from the PACE approach (playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, empathy) . He will often a few minutes later break down and say he doesn't mean it and he's sorry and he loves me.

I am about to start doing special time with him again which has worked well when he was younger. I would also advise therapy, for you.

She says that she just says these things and has no control over it. I have tried to explain relationships to her and that she has to give a little so that everyone is happy but she simply can’t. She can’t seem to understand any of it. It feels like she just has no control over herself. I have mentioned medication which the adhd assessor said she could really do with but she refuses to talk about it. I also worry that if we medicate the adhd the asd will just step forward more.

to get her the diagnosis, to explain to everyone so they understand and make allowances. But at the end of the day people don’t want her around because she becomes verbally very scathing.
what allowances are you making and would like others to make?
I don’t think you should or should expect others to make allowances for her being nasty and abusive, agree with pp of the grey rock response.
it sounds like she is purposefully being nasty to upset people so showing that she’s not going to get it will hopefully reduce that?
how would she be if others acted towards her like she does?
if her sister said these horrible things would she join in or be upset for you?

I have also said some things also and I feel I am totally failing and perhaps I’m a shit mum. My relationship with my other daughter is ok tho and relationships in general. I have a better understanding of my audhd. I feel like our relationship is just disintegrating.

What consequences are there for her, for choosing to speak hurtfully?

What consequences are there for her? What incentive is there for her to stop being so unpleasant?

I agree on the pet thing. My dd is a little like this but she does balance it out with occasional hugs and affection.

She's incredibly attached to our cats (loves all animals) and I think finds them easier to relate to than humans.

My DD has BPD and behaves like this
😔.

I think she feels slighted or out of control or “less then”, not wanted, left out etc…and I try to explain to people. But then she will never join someone else’s game, she throws a suck if the game doesn’t go her way or if she looses and she will say something unkind. She says she isn’t wanted and people prefer other people. I try and explain that if she is going to hide in the corner and refuse to join in then yes people will play without you and you end up making yourself feel left out.

Nothing makes any difference.

No, you are not a shit mother.

Is your daughter in receipt of extra support at school?. What have they said about her?. The problem also is your DD here has already been labelled by her peers as unfriendly and or difficult to be around so she has no friends.

Where is her father here?. I ask only as he is not mentioned.

Ah ok thanks, what were the signs aside from this and how old was she when diagnosed? I am suspecting more is up with my DC

Ignore the posters talking about personality disorder. If they were experts they wouldn't be throwing that suggestion out like that. So you can be assured they are talking with zero authority.

I think what your daughter is saying or doing is not that unusual in a ND child, particularly if, as you say, she may have an AuADHD presentation. She's still navigating her own emotions and how relationships work. If she's particularly concrete in her approach it might be "Mums (or friends) make you feel good - in this moment I don't feel good - I must have a terrible Mum/friend/whatever".

I'd take her at her word that she doesn't mean what she says. Maybe in an emotionally charged moment she feels it, when calm she doesn't? You can try to judge.

You have some good advice about not engaging with the hurtful comments too much. You don't have to argue with her, just hold the line that you love her and that sometimes in life we are unhappy or annoyed. That's just life.

What would a good day (or hour) be to her? Are family days out her thing? Is there a balance of stuff that she likes, even if that means something that seems dull or not a "proper" activity.

What further assessment or help can you access?

We are not together. He was in my eyes abusive (I can’t diagnose him but he was a lot like her). She sees him every other weekend and I know she behaves better with him.

School give her more support. She loves the support and the attention and they are aware that she does sometimes manipulate this.

I don’t blame her peers as she has said the most awful things to them when she has felt slighted (it’s mostly all perceived). She just seems to attack everyone with no real basis. I was quiet in school and very submissive (fawn). I was much more internal.

Oh OP I can feel your upset in your words and I really sympathise. My own daughter was a little similar and I completely understand how you feel that she can make family dynamics really difficult. I'm not sure I'll ever go on a longer holiday with my own daughter again as she was so utterly moody and unkind last year - but she's an older teen now!

I would research as to whether you can get some counselling via school or your local authority. Family counselling or individual child therapy can be really useful. I think you need some support from someone outside the immediate family to navigate through this state of conflict. I can't be more specific as I'm not sure what your area will provide.

I think the fact that you are questioning yourself and what to do in this situation shows me that you are a reflective and caring mother who wants to help both your daughter and your family as a whole.

Good luck.