Struggling with my daughter's hurtful behaviour and its effect on us.

[Daughteradhd]

Hi, I really need some advice about the relationship with my 10 year old daughter. She was diagnosed ADHD last year but I suspect like myself she is AuDHD.

Ever since she was about 5 she has told me in outbursts that she doesn’t like me as a mum. She now usually says something along the lines of, what kind of mother are you, I wouldn’t expect a mother like you to care about me etc etc. She has no friends in school because she is verbally unkind in situations and now no one wants to be her friend. She hates her sister. I am really really struggling and I hate this but it is effecting the way I feel about her. She always ruins any family day out because something will happen and she will then become very dark and unkind. I have fought so hard for her, to get her the diagnosis, to explain to everyone so they understand and make allowances. But at the end of the day people don’t want her around because she becomes verbally very scathing.

The words she says to me are now starting to affect our relationship. I’ve tried so hard to just accept it’s part of the ADHD. I myself have the same thing but I’ve never been unkind to people. She keeps making comments about me being a rubbish mum because I don’t make her feel the way she wants. But I literally can’t, I have another child. She wants me to love her more than her sister but I can’t as I love them equal. She looks me in the eye and just tells I am not like a proper mum, like everyone else has. But then everyone else’s children aren’t doing this. There isn’t a single person who she likes because eventually they do something to upset her and she burns the bridge.

I don’t know what is happening. Does anyone have any advice?

People with personality disorders definitely can be helped to manage their behaviour. Having a PD is pretty scary - your brain can often process that you react very differently to other people and that this makes life difficult, but you can’t reconcile this emotionally. People can have therapy to help them find their way through this.

OP this sounds really difficult. A little girl who feels empty emotionally and blaming you for that as the person who is safe, dependable and consistent. She sees that other children, including her sister, are experiencing something she isn’t. Everyone lets her down in her eyes. She’s probably isolated and bewildered. When she opens her mouth she ends up driving people away, she probably doesn’t intend to and is probably mortified. Can you build some one to one time with her where all you do is something that you know gives her pleasure? When she’s feeling nice about herself and the situation give her messages that you love seeing her have pleasure in something, share the moment with her, tell her that she is important to you, that she always will be, that her happiness is precious, that she is precious, that you are there for her. I see it as trying to build something a brick at a time. Take the long view. I do think if you can spare any money that therapy would help this little girl, and you too. Neither of you, nor your other daughter and DH deserve this. I don’t if any children’s services would see your daughter as priority as they are swamped with children with overtly severe problems, but my gut feeling is that she needs some preventive help now.

Hi, what do you mean by empty emotionally? She has a lot of emotions, just not for anyone else or can get any positive feelings when others are happy. For example if someone else is happy then that means she is not, on birthdays etc she is jealous of that person. She wants all the good things to happen to her, doesn’t feel good from others happiness. Everyone feels like an enemy to her.

Does this seem familiar? https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-adhd-emotional-dysregulation/

OP, your daughter is on a developmental trajectory and her emotional development may well be delayed. This does not mean she won't develop more appropriate emotional regulation and expression over time, I've seen it happen with my own dd who was absolutely out of control at 8 and is now a nice normal ND member of society without these huge emotional swings.

You are getting stuck yourself on how you think your daughter is as if she's fixed like that, and that's not true, she's 10 and has a lot of growing and developing to do, especially if she is ND and may be years behind her peers.

ok thank you. I am so worried about how she will fit into the world with the thinking she has now. I am also worried about what the constant supply of negative feedback is going to do to her in the meantime. I’m glad to hear that things have got better.

I suspect it's a cry for help and that's your daughter is frustrated and feeling increasingly low mood about her situation at school. If your daughter was able to make more friends both at school and outside of school, her behaviour towards you may change (it may not but I'd address the lack of friendship situation as it suggests she may feel isolated). I agree with @Justonemorecoffeeplease Try to help her address how she interacts with others through professional support but at the same time, you need to show her that you will not be treated this way. Yes your suspicions about AuDHD may be correct but it's a possible reason for the behaviour, not an excuse and if she thinks she can use you like a verbal punch bag every time there's an issue, you will never get her respect. She scared and needs reassurance but it should be based on mutual respect to you and her sister. Make sure she understands she doesn't have to like people but telling everyone she hates them will make her life more difficult.

I have told her over and over that she can’t do this and that her life will be really hard if she pushes everyone away. But I am afraid this just further proves to her that she is right and everyone is against her rather then she needs to adapt her behaviour. I think this is why I need other professionals to tell her.

She isn’t pushing anyone as a test like others have suggested. I don’t think she actually pushes at all. People start to play with her and when we go away for example she will make friends. But the moment it’s not about her or she reads a situation wrong she will get very moody. People just get fed up of the lack of give and take. We went away this weekend and it was great as long as everything went her way. I asked her to sit with her sister for 10 minutes so I could make a drink for myself as I hadn’t drank anything. The rest of the time they were running off and playing. She just turned to me and said why does what you want matter to me. Then she went on to say awful things. Why does she have to live in a cage all day etc etc. It was 10 minutes out of the day of fun. There is zero give and it’s frustrating.