Heartbroken all over - will he be different with her?

[TigerIsHome]

Hi

I'm sure you will remember me. I was doing ok. My name is slightly different now as I think my last account was erased despite pleas to reinstate it. I am being totally visible about that - I'm the same person.

You may remember my Heartbroken post from last year. I have been in intensive and ongoing therapy over my ex, who I have been told by numerous therapists, is narcissistic and abusive and that the version of him that I fell for, wasn't actually real. This is the man who, without going over all the dreaded detail again, entered into a relationship with me, has the two ex wives and travels back and forward to Vietnam. His children have no relationship with him either, and have disowned him. I am now 50 and this man is 54.

For reference I absolutely adored this man, we weren't together very long and at the start it was all new exciting, thrilling lots of contact and intimacy. But it soon turned very sour and as we worked together, I had to move departments due to his childish and irregular behaviour. He began hiding from me in the toilets at work - for the one reason that I had borrowed his coffee cup - telling my colleagues and called a meeting with our boss in which he told me that our intimacy wasn't love making - it was f - and my boss did nothing. During one of his regular trips to Vietnam, I moved departments. On the odd occasions when I do see him now, he will deviate between complete ignorance, and joking. Just last week as he told me he was returning to Vietnam, he asked me if the bag I was carrying contained a 'sexual item' and asked was it a 'rubber vagina'. This from the man who once said I made him so uncomfortable that he had to hide in the toilets. He then proudly announced he was going to Vietnam this week.

As if that wasn't enough, he completely stuck the knife in by announcing, 'I have a girlfriend, she's 38, beautiful, and I love her, I'm happy. I know in my heart it's right'. He then took out a picture of her and thrust it in my face. He said they 'facetime every night'. He claims he is now a Buddhist and has quit smoking and drugs. He was on a lot of cocaine for years.

This was a week and a half ago and I have struggled ever since. My therapist maintains he is a narcissist but what is making it worse for me is the current rumour that he may be getting married to this woman. He has met her in person once. The photo has him with his head on her shoulder and she is on his knee, they are holding hands. He was in no way kind in how he chose to tell me.

I feel absolutely devastated. He was brutally cruel to me for the time I was with him, blowing hot and cold but always saying 'just give me time' and I believed him. He said I was his soulmate and wanted me to meet his family. He asked me to move into my Mum's room with him knowing she had only died a few years previous to that. Then he pulled the rug, with me struggling to understand since then (3 years ago) what I've done wrong.

I've tried to get help and am doing things like going to the gym and yoga. But this has really set me back to the point my therapist told me today that she is insistent that I ring my GP as my 'core scores' were through the roof. I feel exhausted, even walking the short distance to the bus stop, I'm on edge, I feel sick and the reason is I am desperately wondering why she seems to be getting the better version of him. I loved him with my whole heart, I was patient, supportive, understanding and kind. I don't know why he is throwing it in my face that he loves her and if he does marry her, to me, in my mind, it will sort of highlight that I was the problem all along. This would be his third marriage - his second to a Vietnamese woman. He is just moving on as if I didn't exist and I'm struggling so badly to heal. My own mind is frightening me as I feel so deeply and I feel like something is wrong with me? I spoke to a mutual friend who says he is like a child, always chasing after the next shiny thing but even that makes me wonder why I wasn't shiny enough to keep.

I'm sorry to contact you all again, but do you really think he could be different with her? When his own kids won't talk to him? What the hell is so special about Vietnam? His last wife was from there and dumped him when she got her citizenship to the UK.

Thanks again, for listening to me.

And PS, I know how you feel about the Asian "perfection" thing.

My now recent ex was masturbating to AI-generated Asian women, one in particular, instead of having sex with me. There are men who seem to have an obsession with Asians. I think part of it is the expectation of submissiveness and worryingly, a lot of them look like very young girls, even in their thirties.

It can feel like a real punch in the gut, but would you want to be with a man so shallow and exploitative? I know I don't and I won't settle and my ex does not get a single minute more of my headspace. They're with him for his money and the chance to get out of poverty, that's it.

Let go of it. His life doesn’t need to affect you. After I split from my ex (25 years ago) I wasn’t remotely interested in what he did.

I got on with my life, and found happiness.

Everyone is different. And it isn't that easy for me, which is why I've had to see a doctor (who has referred me to a psychiatrist). Not everyone is the same.

Yes I have heard about the submission thing and the little girls thing. It's worrying. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but he has a nickname in work the same as a VERY high profile, well known, sex offender.

Hopefully medical professionals can help you break out of your obsession op and you can feel better.

I felt quite worried for you. And I am glad you found help.

Your work environment is abusive and your so called soul mate is abusive and when you stepped into the parking lot you got yet more abuse.
None of this is fair on you.
But you need the strength to maybe move away and get a new job .
The last thing you need is an infatuation with a guy so into himself that he enjoys hurting your feelings.
I also feel sorry for his "new wife"!
Even though she is quite possibly a sex worker.

Do you mean the equivalent of his nickname being ‘Jimmy Saville’ or Jeffrey Epstein’? He honestly sounds like a fucking monster, I’m so glad you’re not with him any more x

It's not you It's him. No abuser is abusive all the time or no one would go near them. I'm sorry you were called awful names in the car park, but they don't know you so it's not true.

I'm glad you're going to see a psychiatrist. I think you need it. You are obsessing about someone who is appalling. You should have reported him for shoving her photo in your face. What line of work are you in? Is his nickname GG by any chance?

There is a phrase 'the best revenge is living well' that's what you should aim for in recovery. It sounds like your life has not been easy but unfortunately loss is part of life. You have one life, don't waste it on this excuse for a man.

Keep going to the GP , the therapist and the psychiatrist. Good luck OP.

Epstein.

"All I meant by starting this thread is that if he can be good to her, I don't understand why he was abusive to me. It means to me that I deserved it for some reason. That's all I meant"

@TigerIsHome Oh sweetheart. There are lots of twisted, evil people in the world doing despicable things to other people who do not deserve to have despicable things done to them. A murder victim did not deserve to be murdered. A child at school who is the victim of vicious bullies does not deserve to be bullied. A woman in a relationship does not deserve to be abused by her partner.

Good, nice, kind people are never deliberately abusive towards other people. Only bad people are deliberately abusive.

Abusers play the 'nice guy' at the start. Of course they do, and that is what he is doing now with this new woman. It won't last. His true self will emerge soon enough.

No victim of abuse deserves it. You did not deserve it. Abusers always do their very best to brainwash and persuade their victim that they deserve it. That's what he has done to you. Part of his abusive behaviour was making you feel that it was all your fault.

It was NOT your fault in any way. You were NOT responsible for his behaviour towards you. You did NOT deserve it.

Epstein is is nickname? Run for the hills!!!!!! Lordy, just no!

You have dodged a massive bullet, although right now you are still in the throes of mourning an abuser and are still chemically trauma bonded. That will pass, I promise, been there and gone through it. As many of us on here have.

How long was your relationship with him?

OP, you're doing it again. You're getting happy once people say he's a monster / abusive / a narcissist. It's the reason why you seem to like your doctor so much.
I get it - I used to be obsessive too when I was younger and getting over a guy but it didn't last years and it was genuinely unhealthy. I am ND so maybe that somewhat explains it and I understand how it can feel harder to get over someone when other people seem to move on much quicker but really, they have a point when they say you have to get over it. Constant rumination and talking about the person and what happened is giving you little hits of dopamine. It makes you feel good, if only temporarily. It's genuinely like a drug supply. Your brain keeps circling and finding ways to bring the topic back to the object of your interest. You're not interested in hearing about moving on and self-growth because you're stuck on talking about this person and all the ways they did you wrong. The thing is, you're not going to wake up one day and forget him - not when you've trained your brain to feel good (subconsciously) when you focus on him. You're going to have to rewire your brain by interrupting the thought patterns and creating habits to distract you when thoughts of him enter.

But I don't think you're truly ready to do that yet. I think obsessing over him makes you feel connected still.

And you won't like what I'm about to say but it needs to be said. Yes, he is abusive and yes he sounds disgusting but that doesn't mean he isn't capable of finding a good partner or having a long-term relationship. After all, look how much you cared(d) for him. BUT - and this is the important bit - you CANNOT centre your progress and happiness on his future relationships failing. Yes, it may not work out with wife #3 but conversely, it might. And if it does, what then? Are you never going to be happy again? That's madness.

OP, you should definitely leave this job. It sounds like a horrendous environment.

I think your mental health would hugely improve if you left your toxic workplace. It’s horrific.

OP what is it that you have trouble with the most? Is it the all of nothing thinking? I convinced my ex abused me because I was autistic. Because I wasn’t able to be passionate and spontaneous like he wanted. Was that my problem? I was convinced it was for a long time. But now I have a wonderful man, it’s been over 6 years now. I am perfect as I am but someone who likes melons and hates raspberries will never like raspberry me no matter how sweet I am. Some “men” don’t really see us as we are they see us for what they want and when we don’t live up to it they are weak and punish us. A person who abuses is a very weak person.

That's fair enough, but I do NOT understand how a man who is abusive can suddenly turn around and be different with someone they've met once. To me it's like saying 'yes I've left a trail of bodies all over the world, but I won't do it to you, even though you know I've killed several women in the past'.

A little more clarification would help. A successful relationship by what means? That she's submissive to him and he's happy down to that? I find it really really hard to believe that a man with his track record who is 'abusive and disgusting' can suddenly be a wonderful partner.

Also I'm not 'happy' when people say he's a narcissist. I had trouble for ages adjusting to that title. But if it what at LEAST 3 therapists have advised, a doctor yesterday and he ticks the boxes of nearly every self help book I've read, it is unsettling when people think I'm happy because he has a label. I'm happy because maybe all the therapy and the research I've done might make sense!

Op, you really need to get your focus off this person.

I can recommend this lady, she helped me immensely.

https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trauma-bonding-is-it-love-or-something-else/

You're still trauma bonded from the sounds of things. Yes, he's an abuser. No, he won't be better towards her. He's playing you to make you feel like shit and keep you wanting him. It's what they do. Had it done to me many years ago and now I understand it, I will never allow anyone to do it to me again. My recent split was fortunately not from an abuser, from someone with serious issues, but not one of these sociopathic types.

You're only stuck if you want to be.

Get your focus off him and back onto you. Lots of free resources. Understand the chemistry of how he has screwed with your mind and body and work from there. You need a therapist who is experience in this sort of situation as well as one who can help you with deep-seated low self-esteem. EMDR helped me a few years ago.

I know this man and have done for 10 years now. In that time, he's been divorced twice, doesn't talk to his children (they want nothing to do with him and have changed their names), has a string of relationships whereby when a woman expresses her feelings he abruptly ends things, but when another gives him time patience and understanding he blows hot and cold for years, he got paid to get his second wife a citizenship, he makes sexual comments at work which are never dealt with... but now suddenly everything is rosy because he's met someone 16 years younger than him - once - and is going to marry her even though she's in Vietnam.

I know I need to move on, I know I do, and I am trying but this has thrown me completely off the already unsteady track I was moving down. His cruelty in how he delivered the information as well has really stung. It was HORRIBLE that he knew how I feel about him and just put her picture under my nose. I wonder what SHE would think about his treatment of other women so far.

An abusive man, does not suddenly become a wonderful one overnight. THAT is what I'm struggling with.

You're just going round in circles saying the same thing. Life won't change unless you do. You are making him more important to your life than you, yourself, are.

What's so great about him that keeps you so focused on him though? He's been an absolute bastard to you from the sounds of things, so it shouldn't even be a loss to you if he does marry someone else and you never see him ever again? I mean, if he's so horrible, then surely you're well shot of him?

Unless the sex was utterly mind blowing, and I'm sure it couldn't have been with such a horrid specimen of a "man"....

This is classic trauma bonding. He's screwed with your head and the bonding chemicals in your brain and body. Your nervous system is still attached to him and you're getting a peptide... dopamine hit.... from the situation.

This will make you ill OP. I had quite the breakdown a few years ago and my nervous system took ages to recover. But the only way I moved on was by intention and effort and repeatedly questioning the whys and the wherefores keeps you stuck.

Stop speculating on his already know to be shitty character and make a good life for yourself. He has no shits to give, therefore neither should you!

I didn't think I was worth anything at all. Like I didn't think I was important.

"An abusive man, does not suddenly become a wonderful one overnight. THAT is what I'm struggling with."

Then allow me to resolve this. He has not and will not, ever, become wonderful. He will treat her like shit sooner or later, unfortunately for her and all the other people he targets.

Put it down, you must be exhausted. He will never, ever, become wonderful. His nickname is Epstein..... he knowingly tortures your feelings, he's a sexist pig.

Raise your bar much, much higher than this. Screw in your balls, get some self-respect, do some self-work, tell yourself you're worth the best in life and put him behind you.

An abusive man, does not suddenly become a wonderful one overnight. THAT is what I'm struggling with.

@TigerIsHome he hasn't become wonderful. He's met her once so is still in his love bombing phase, she'll see the real him soon and he'll have to move on to the next one. He's got many unsuccessful relationships behind him because HE isn't able to be wonderful for long enough to sustain a successful one.

It's no reflection on you, or on any of his other victims, it's all on him.

You are worthy of so much more than dwelling on him, time to put him in a box in your brain, shut the lid and move forward with your life!

Don't get me wrong, I never do want to see him again, but the way he thrust her photo in my face and made out she was different has just really impacted me. He knows how much I loved him, he knows how much I tried - one of my colleagues even said 'you are the ONLY person in his life who has stuck around' ( only saying that for reference, not because I'm owed anything), and his total lack of regard for me because of this new shiny thing has really really hurt.

I just thought it meant there was a fault in me, that he was abusive and cruel to me. I thought I wasn't good enough for him. He seems to get a hit out of hurting me and I do NOT understand why. I wouldn't talk to him now if he was standing in front of me but I just feel if he's getting married to someone he doesn't know, that I must be severly lacking in something. Anyway.