Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

Tbpf, I don’t think he knew … she was just acting of her accord

OMG do it @PithyBeaker
That would shut his mum up, anyway.

Almost did. But I couldn’t. It’s his prerogative. She’s his mother. He’s the one who needs a relationship w her, not me

God this is tempting though.

He has nothing except this pack of lies. He's got no other narrative but this because he really does hope to grind you down.
I am so sorry you are feeling down, but being in any contact is picking that scab raw every day.
You have to put yourself first and cut him off.
We are here for you.

@PithyBeaker you could respond with something along the lines of “I’m not sure what x has told you about why we broke up but you seem to be under some misconception when infact it is because your son called me a cunt , gamed into the night and let his children run amok in our home with absolutely no regard for my feelings “

The really interesting thing is that on paper he is a man who works really hard to respect women, bangs on about about how there should be more women in his industry (tech), ideologically espouses good feminist principles… but it’s like lip service? Or like he doesn’t really feel it or uses it as a bandaid on the bullet wound of his actual behaviour which is: entitled and selfish.

Is there a reason you are maintaining contact now, Pithy?

She just wants you to take him back because she's sick of hearing him go on about how hard things are for him. Also because she's had to start doing things for him to shut him up. If you relent she gets her peace back.

I think you're right not to message his mum.

It's pulling you back when you should be moving away.

Did you also tell her you used to call me a cunt and roll eyes at me whenever I expressed unhappiness?

You've got the measure of him.

It's only natural to have doubts & think about the what ifs though.

My first husband cheated on me & we divorced.

There were times though when it seemed it would have been do much easier to stay put!

She is on the other side of the country so it seems v unlikely this has directly impacted her in any way. She just wants me to take him back bc she recognises I am objectively a catch for him, I think.

Ugh. No I guess not. What is the point. If he wasn’t doubling down on this PTSD thing…. But he is.

here is his latest:

”you have told yourself a lie and you keep doubling down on it. The lie is that you are the only victim and I am the abuser. That I don’t care for you, that I knew and intentionally neglected your needs in our relationship and that all I wanted out of our relationship was whatever I could get for myself.

That is simply not true. I have told you and shown you so many times in so many ways that I care for you. At this point, the way you are engaging in conversation about it is disingenuous and not okay.

If you want to believe it, go for it, but don’t involve me.

I love you very much and I am willing to engage in a good faith conversation about our relationship. I acknowledge my faults and I am open to hearing and understanding your point of view and your feelings. You will never convince me that I didn’t care for you or that I wouldn’t have done whatever it took to make you happy if I had known, because it’s not true and I know it’s not true.

Until you are open to that, I don’t see any point in us talking about it. You break my heart every day and the scar tissue is building up. Please stop.

I love you. I want us to reconcile. I will wait for you for as long as I can. Please look after yourself. Come home to me if/when you’re ready. I’ll be here, thinking fondly of you.

I’d reply. I’d go with an enigmatic, ‘such a shame he behaved so badly.’.

And I’d do it to wind him up, because he’s such a manipulative arse. I’d want to pull his strings for a change. Not because I’m malicious, but because he needs to know you have agency and are simply choosing not to behave badly.

By being so passive (decent) you are allowing him to believe he’s still powerful.

Honestly are you a masochist? Why are you reading that tripe? He’s writing novels. He’s probably showing his heartwarming messages to someone.

This was my reply:

“I have not “told myself a lie”. I was shown by you, over and over again, that I wasn’t an important enough priority for you to listen to me, engage with me or change even any little thing to make me happier. If it is a lie, it was one you consistently and convincingly acted out for a long time and that I resisted believing until the evidence was insurmountable.“

But he won’t process what you said. He’ll read it as, ‘bla, bla she’s not asked me back but she’s still listening, she loves me really I just need to keep working on her’.

You said she was a service human to her family, I remember You’ve rejected your role 🙄

Yes. I know you’re right. Feel like I’m going insane saying the same thing beating my head against a brick wall of insensibility

Yep. That must sting.

Exactly 💯
This is a short term pain, long term gain situation.
If you hadn't acted like you did OP, he would have wrecked you and your sons life. You couldn't let it continue. Not that it's easy but it was necessary. Like surgery. You need to do it to get better. And it's all lies he's telling you. Remember that. He's a liar and a manipulator.

I’d reply, “Dude, you called me a cunt”.

He is just browbeating you. He still thinks he can win you round. It’s horribly manipulative and self-serving on his part. I do think it would be better all round if you just cut him off, hard as it might be.

Yes, probably. 😒

He sounds pathetic.
"Come home to me"🤣
he doesn't really have a home for you to come to now does he.
I think he's believed all the lies he's been telling himself ironically.
Just get rid now. Stop feeding the conversation with him. Decision is made. Give ur son a hug.
You can now have a future because he's gone.

Stop it now. Pull up your pants, take a big breath and recognise that you can’t make him reasonable.

You’re playing chess with a pigeon… he’ll walk over the pieces, strut around like a winner, and shit on the board.

Stop playing the wrong game with the wrong person