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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband’s gym friendship with a younger woman is making me uncomfortable

131 replies

Shinia · 13/04/2026 09:42

I know there’s been tones of these, and the general consensus is to ‘leave him’, or ‘you’re stupid for putting up with it’ but I’m trying to see if i can get some other advice please.

I feel my husband has got too close to another girl at the gym. She’s married too, but I think thats irrelevant in this scenario.

I don’t go myself, but other people I know go, and tell me this information. Apparently they chat throughout the whole workout. She literally follows him everywhere he goes like a little puppy dog, to the water machine, and even followed him out to the toilet before
and waited outside. They message each other on social media, ranging from just ‘chit chat’ to sending ‘gym memes’.

She’s a lot younger than my husband and I’m wondering whether this little gym crush is a bit of a mid life crisis. She is very pretty so I can imagine a lot of the men there find her attractive.

She’ll voicenote him random things when she’s at work, and send videos of her just chatting to him. He has told me / shown me the majority of these so its not like it’s a secret, but I’m very uncomfortable with the whole situation. I’ve told him there’s not much I can do about them chatting at the gym but I don’t like the messaging inbetween. He says he won’t delete her on socials, or start ignoring her messages because it would be awkward when he next sees her. He has pretty much told me he finds her attractive but said ‘they’re just friends’. He’s never had another ‘girl friend’ throughout our whole 8+ years married. So it just seems odd he suddenly has 1 now with someone he finds attractive.

Other than this we have no issues in our marriage at all. He’s a good Dad, provides for us etc. I just don’t know what to do going forward cuz I feel so uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Please be kind and thank you for any advice in advance xx

OP posts:
Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 13/04/2026 09:45

I know there’s been tones of these, and the general consensus is to ‘leave him’, or ‘you’re stupid for putting up with it’ but I’m trying to see if i can get some other advice please.

If you’ve spoken to him about how you feel and he doesn’t care, then there really isn’t anything else anyone here can suggest.

Shinia · 13/04/2026 09:47

He has apologized for ‘how it makes me feel’ and has said he’ll try and keep the interactions down but I’ve only got his word for this.

OP posts:
CookingFatCat · 13/04/2026 09:49

Maybe time to join - see what the reaction is.

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 13/04/2026 09:52

Shinia · 13/04/2026 09:47

He has apologized for ‘how it makes me feel’ and has said he’ll try and keep the interactions down but I’ve only got his word for this.

We’ve only ever really got our spouse’s word for most things, particularly around fidelity. If you don’t think his word is sufficient, then there’s probably a reason for that.

ForTipsyFinch · 13/04/2026 09:53

I think the motivation for these ‘friendships’ are always pretty clear. Funny how they’re always with young attractive women and not older women or young men. So in these cases I do think it’s to open the door for something more. Even if it doesn’t get to that, chances are he’s enjoying the ego boost which crosses a line in of itself.

ImmortalSnowman · 13/04/2026 09:55

Why can't you go to the gym with him? Can someone look after the children so you can go or tell him he's staying home with the children and you are going to the gym at the time he normally goes.

It is much more than a gym buddy relationship if she is sending him videos of herself. Any respectful married man would tell her this form of communication is not appropriate.

Where is her husband?

Strangedayz · 13/04/2026 09:58

ForTipsyFinch · 13/04/2026 09:53

I think the motivation for these ‘friendships’ are always pretty clear. Funny how they’re always with young attractive women and not older women or young men. So in these cases I do think it’s to open the door for something more. Even if it doesn’t get to that, chances are he’s enjoying the ego boost which crosses a line in of itself.

This is so true - it’s seemingly always the young attractive women that they make the effort with, or that have to be rescued somehow. Strange that.

OP, even if he doesn’t actually do anything to physically cross the line, I think he is being disrespectful to you and your relationship, all in the name of an ego boost.

He doesn’t seem to care that it’s hurting you, which speaks volumes.

rainbowstardrops · 13/04/2026 10:00

I wouldn’t be happy with that either. Chatting at the gym is one thing but totally unnecessary to message each other away from the gym. Especially as you’ve told him you’re not comfortable with it. He’s disrespecting you.

Shinia · 13/04/2026 10:04

Her husband doesn’t go to the gym. Apparently she’s been trying to persuade him as she likes guys with ‘gym bodies’ 🙄 but he’s too busy with work

OP posts:
DripDripAprilshower · 13/04/2026 10:26

He says he won’t delete her on socials, or start ignoring her messages because it would be awkward when he next sees her.

Tell him it will be awkward when he sees you next if he doesn’t!

DripDripAprilshower · 13/04/2026 10:30

she likes guys with ‘gym bodies’

She said that to your husband????

Either he gets her out of his life or you get him out of your life. Do not tolerate this!!!

FryingPam · 13/04/2026 10:31

Sounds like she has a crush on him and he’s flattered by the attention. I’d watch whether he does anything to tune it down, now that you said you’re uncomfortable with it.

OneNewEagle · 13/04/2026 10:32

Drop him off at the gym so you can chat to her too. Or invite her and her DH round for a meal.

then you know for sure, id already know for sure so it would either be stop talking to her and change gyms or leave.

SoSadSoSadSoSad · 13/04/2026 10:33

This is bad news.

Your h is disrespecting you hugely. Ofc he could tell her it’s inappropriate. He doesn’t want to tell her that.

It is pitiful you joining the gym to keep an eye on them. Why should you have to?

ImmortalSnowman · 13/04/2026 10:43

Shinia · 13/04/2026 10:04

Her husband doesn’t go to the gym. Apparently she’s been trying to persuade him as she likes guys with ‘gym bodies’ 🙄 but he’s too busy with work

How much childcare does your husband do? How much housework?

auserna · 13/04/2026 10:46

DripDripAprilshower · 13/04/2026 10:30

she likes guys with ‘gym bodies’

She said that to your husband????

Either he gets her out of his life or you get him out of your life. Do not tolerate this!!!

No, she said that to her husband.

auserna · 13/04/2026 10:47

I know there’s been tones of these, and the general consensus is to ‘leave him’, or ‘you’re stupid for putting up with it’ but I’m trying to see if i can get some other advice please.

It's absolutely fine - don't worry about it. 🤷

Classiclines · 13/04/2026 10:54

The fact he is making no secret about the fact he finds her attractive and that he wishes to continue his relationship with her despite the fact he knows how you feel about it means he is already prioritising her over you. He doesnt want to upset her by ending their relationship but he is content to upset you.

They are behaving like a couple in a bf/ gf relationship OP. And this will only develop into something closer.

You may not like to be told this but honestly you either have to resign yourself to his disrespect and put up with a three way relationship or you need to make plans to end your marriage

SparklyGlitterballs · 13/04/2026 10:55

When a man would rather have his wife upset than the other person, whether it's a gym buddy, colleague or his mother, then it says a lot about him. He doesn't have to do anything drastic, just tell her he'd prefer to keep any interactions to inside the gym and to cut out the voice notes/video notes etc. He doesn't want to, that's the issue.

liamharha · 13/04/2026 11:09

Shinia · 13/04/2026 09:42

I know there’s been tones of these, and the general consensus is to ‘leave him’, or ‘you’re stupid for putting up with it’ but I’m trying to see if i can get some other advice please.

I feel my husband has got too close to another girl at the gym. She’s married too, but I think thats irrelevant in this scenario.

I don’t go myself, but other people I know go, and tell me this information. Apparently they chat throughout the whole workout. She literally follows him everywhere he goes like a little puppy dog, to the water machine, and even followed him out to the toilet before
and waited outside. They message each other on social media, ranging from just ‘chit chat’ to sending ‘gym memes’.

She’s a lot younger than my husband and I’m wondering whether this little gym crush is a bit of a mid life crisis. She is very pretty so I can imagine a lot of the men there find her attractive.

She’ll voicenote him random things when she’s at work, and send videos of her just chatting to him. He has told me / shown me the majority of these so its not like it’s a secret, but I’m very uncomfortable with the whole situation. I’ve told him there’s not much I can do about them chatting at the gym but I don’t like the messaging inbetween. He says he won’t delete her on socials, or start ignoring her messages because it would be awkward when he next sees her. He has pretty much told me he finds her attractive but said ‘they’re just friends’. He’s never had another ‘girl friend’ throughout our whole 8+ years married. So it just seems odd he suddenly has 1 now with someone he finds attractive.

Other than this we have no issues in our marriage at all. He’s a good Dad, provides for us etc. I just don’t know what to do going forward cuz I feel so uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Please be kind and thank you for any advice in advance xx

He doesn't have to delete her but he can back off with his replies and be a bit colder with her and see if she gets the message .

Starlight1979 · 13/04/2026 11:13

SoSadSoSadSoSad · 13/04/2026 10:33

This is bad news.

Your h is disrespecting you hugely. Ofc he could tell her it’s inappropriate. He doesn’t want to tell her that.

It is pitiful you joining the gym to keep an eye on them. Why should you have to?

This. I personally couldn't lower myself to tagging along with my husband to keep an eye on him.

I would be saying I couldn't give a flying fuck how "awkward" it is deleting her on social media / ignoring her messages but I can assure you it's far less awkward than having to explain to everyone why your wife left you and your family fell apart.

At the end of the day OP, if he doesn't want to stop talking to her or replying to her messages then he is putting her feelings (and his feelings for her) before yours.

It really is that simple.

NewcastleNancy · 13/04/2026 11:13

Sorry this is happening to you. Your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. He should 100% be prioritising you and it's not good enough to say 'sorry that my flirty relationship with an attractive younger woman bothers you but I am not going to stop' isn't good enough.

He either loves, respects and prioritises his wife or he doesn't.

It is a reasonable boundary not to message members of the opposite sex that you find attractive, evenings/weekends and socials as we know really blur boundaries. So you have to set them.

If the tables were turned and you were doing something he didn't like, would he really not expect you to stop? Particularly if it involved flirting with another man?

Yes it's a double crush but sadly that can lead to dark places - not always a physical affair but often a very damaged relationship.

Don't be a passive partner in this. Be really clear you aren't happy and he needs to stop or face the consequences. And be clear what they are.

NewcastleNancy · 13/04/2026 11:14

Starlight1979 · 13/04/2026 11:13

This. I personally couldn't lower myself to tagging along with my husband to keep an eye on him.

I would be saying I couldn't give a flying fuck how "awkward" it is deleting her on social media / ignoring her messages but I can assure you it's far less awkward than having to explain to everyone why your wife left you and your family fell apart.

At the end of the day OP, if he doesn't want to stop talking to her or replying to her messages then he is putting her feelings (and his feelings for her) before yours.

It really is that simple.

So true.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 13/04/2026 11:15

Maybe you need to make friends with a hot gym guy and see what he thinks about it.

Starlight1979 · 13/04/2026 11:15

SparklyGlitterballs · 13/04/2026 10:55

When a man would rather have his wife upset than the other person, whether it's a gym buddy, colleague or his mother, then it says a lot about him. He doesn't have to do anything drastic, just tell her he'd prefer to keep any interactions to inside the gym and to cut out the voice notes/video notes etc. He doesn't want to, that's the issue.

When a man would rather have his wife upset than the other person, whether it's a gym buddy, colleague or his mother, then it says a lot about him.

This. He would rather upset his wife than a random woman in the gym.

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