Husbands hygiene

[doctorharvey]

My husbands hygiene has never been great, and it's always effected our sex life because I know he's never clean. I notice he goes days without showering even though he knows he'll smell. I remember one time he put on underwear after getting out of the shower, and the underwear had a bit of pee on them (he had only put them on a few hours prior) after going to the toilet, I was so repulsed by it and I called him out on it but he laughed it off.

Anyway, yesterday it had been 3 days in between him washing himself, and he had a bath. When I walked onto the bathroom the smell of BO and dirty penis was overwhelming and I asked if the smell was him, to which he responded "What smell?". I told him, and he acted like he couldn't remember the last time he'd showered, so I reminded him it had been 3 days, to which he argued it was really 2 days. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Wednesday > Saturday is 3 days, right?

Even when I want to kiss him I know his breathe will smell bad, also, his beard always smells off, so that adds to it.

How do I tell him his hygiene is a huge turn off for me without humiliating him?

Has he always been like this?

Edited to add: apologies, yes you did say his hygiene has never been great.

So what has changed for you to be repulsed by his hygiene level now? This would be an absolute deal-breaker turn-off ick for me from the get-go. 😷

Please oh please tell him - so what if he is humiliated - or I'll do it for you!!! This is beyond grim....I couldn't bear to share a home with someone like this, let alone a bed.

But in all honesty, if he does not have the capacity to respond to such basic requests and lacks such consideration (for himself and his partner) without feeling humiliated or defensive, you have much bigger problems in your relationship.

When we first met he wasn't like this, but I truly can't remember how far back it goes because we've been together so long.

It's always been an issue, which is why our sex life has always been awful.

I really don't think humiliating him is going to solve anything, it's just cruel. I'd prefer to bring it up in a way that ensures something changes, whilst also doesn't humiliate him.

I'd tell him bluntly that he has strong BO, that he is an adult who should be capable of washing and dressing himself by now, and that you would like to be able to eat your food and sleep in your bed without suffering his pong.

As for intimacy, forget it. I'd be sleeping in the spare room until he upped his standards. Grim !

But why have you stayed with him????
Forget sex I couldn't even share a bed or a room with someone like this.
Why is he such a soap dodger? Dont let him laugh it off!! just tell him you are repulsed.
Unless he's ill there's just no excuse

I’m unsure I would care about humiliating him to be honest. It’s disgusting to not have a basic level of cleanliness and it’s disrespectful that he expects you and others to tolerate something easily fixed. This would be end of the road territory for me

I guarantee you will not be the only person who notices the smell.

This is not the time for subtle suggestions or hints. You will have to sit him down and spell out exactly that he needs to up his game and start washing daily. I am astonished you have put up with it for so long.

I'm not suggesting you set out to humiliate him. I'm saying that your making such a reasonable request should not result in him feeling humiliated. Is he receptive to feedback on other aspects of his behavior? Is he sensitive to criticism?

If your approach hasn’t worked, maybe do humiliate him. I feel sorry for those he works with. Gross.

It shouldn't be humiliating to a healthy adult man to be reminded that he smells if he doesn't wash.
Do you have children??

Personally I think he needs to be humiliated at this point..

Its cruel and humiliating for you OP to be expected to be intimate with a man who sees his personal hygiene as something optional. It is disgusting.

Anything I say to him, he will deflect. E.g. Yesterday I told him he hadn't bathed in 3 days and he pushed back and said it was 2. He also tried to make out like that reason he smelled was because he was running around all morning. When he got out of the bath he said "I feel human again after a morning of running around" to reiterate to me that "running around" caused the smell. It pissed me off.

Honestly, the more responses I'm seeing coming through, the more I'm realising that you guys are right. I might need to embarrass him a little to get things to change. I cannot live like this!!

Yesterday was the final straw, the smell of dirty d*ck in the bathroom is still with me.

I wouldn’t kiss, have sex or share a bed with someone who wasn’t clean or who smelled.
You don’t need to humiliate him but you do need to tell him. Be practical and factual.
“DH, when you haven’t showered and brushed your teeth I don’t want to be intimate with you. Can you do those things everyday because I think it will improve things between us”.

I suspect that because you carried on a relationship with him knowing from the off that he is absolutely disgusting, he sees no reason to change. Everyone else will be well aware of it - friends, family, colleagues, but if it’s never called out he won’t think it’s that much of a problem. I remember many years ago having a boyfriend with similar issues and I decided he wasn’t for me. I think it’s an immediate turnoff for most people. Was there ever a time he was clean?

Honestly, not that I can remember. I think back to when we first met and I don't remember it being an issue, so I assume it wasn't.

Yanbu. Is he depressed or just CBA?

No he's definitely not depressed. He just CBA

I could have written this ten years ago. I lived with my partner for years with his relaxed attitude to showering/washing. It is a massive turn off. I said so many times how it was for me, to not want to be near someone who smells.

Finally the penny dropped. He was complaining that there was no intimacy between us, I told him his hygiene didn’t help but that it wasn’t the magic bullet. Also, I was frank and wondered if others could smell him. I wondered if he loved himself enough to want to be clean. Turned out he was depressed.

You have my sympathy.

Asked chatGBT
That’s a really tough situation—and honestly, if he’s laughing it off or deflecting, it suggests he’s either embarrassed, in denial, or not grasping how serious it is for her. Being clearer and more direct (while still respectful) is probably the only thing that will cut through.

The key is: she needs to move from hinting to impact.

Here’s how she could approach it:

1. Pick the right moment

Not in the middle of intimacy, not when she’s already frustrated. A calm, private moment where they’re otherwise okay.

2. Be direct—but not attacking

She shouldn’t soften it so much that he can brush it off again. This is one of those times where clarity matters more than politeness.

She could say something like:
I need to talk to you about something a bit awkward, but important. I’ve mentioned your hygiene before, but I don’t think I’ve been clear enough about how much it’s affecting me. Sometimes your body odour is quite strong, and it’s making it hard for me to feel comfortable being close or intimate. I love you, and I want us to have a good physical relationship, but this is getting in the way. I need you to take it seriously and make some changes.

3. Make the impact very clear

He needs to understand this isn’t a minor preference—it’s affecting attraction and the relationship. Without that, he’ll keep minimising it.

4. Be specific about what needs to change

Vague = easy to ignore. Specific = harder to dodge.

Examples:

• Daily showering (especially after work/exercise)
• Clean clothes every day
• Proper deodorant
• Dental hygiene (if relevant)

5. Address the deflection head-on

If he laughs again, she can calmly shut that down:

• “I’m not joking. This is actually upsetting me.”
• “When you laugh it off, it makes me feel like you’re not taking me seriously.”

6. Set a boundary (if needed)

This isn’t about punishment—it’s about honesty:

• “I don’t feel comfortable being intimate when hygiene is an issue.”

That connects actions to consequences without being cruel.

One important thing to consider

If the smell is unusually strong or persistent even with normal hygiene, there could be an underlying issue (diet, skin conditions, dental problems, etc.). If he improves habits and it’s still there, suggesting a GP check-up is reasonable.

Bottom line

She’s already tried being gentle—it hasn’t worked. Now she needs to be:

• Clear
• Specific
• Calm but firm

It might feel harsh, but avoiding it is already harming the relationship more.

I think it’s possible to make your point that his lack of hygiene is a turn-off without humiliating him. Currently you are asking him things like “when did you last shower?” which is the sort of conversation you expect to have with a teenager. I don’t understand why he doesn’t feel humiliated by that. I find few things more embarrassing than being treated like a child.

Meanwhile, telling someone that you love them and you want to find them desirable but you have an issue with their cleanliness, can be done in a respectful way as a conversation between two adults.

Ultimately though, as long as you take a respectful tone and have the conversation in private, you can’t be responsible for how he feels. You are entitled to say how you feel about this because it affects your marriages and your nostrils. When there is a genuine problem with an incredibly easy fix, it’s kinder to tell someone than not. And if he won’t fix the problem when you have told him how it affects your marriage, then he is the one showing disrespect.

Okay if he's a good guy in other ways... At an absolute final attempt if not him some really nice smelling shower gel and deodorant etc
Buy him some new underwear
Tell him when he uses them that he's 100% more attractive to you smelling clean and fresh and that's how you want him all the time.
If that didn't work I'd have to end things