Husbands hygiene

[doctorharvey]

My husbands hygiene has never been great, and it's always effected our sex life because I know he's never clean. I notice he goes days without showering even though he knows he'll smell. I remember one time he put on underwear after getting out of the shower, and the underwear had a bit of pee on them (he had only put them on a few hours prior) after going to the toilet, I was so repulsed by it and I called him out on it but he laughed it off.

Anyway, yesterday it had been 3 days in between him washing himself, and he had a bath. When I walked onto the bathroom the smell of BO and dirty penis was overwhelming and I asked if the smell was him, to which he responded "What smell?". I told him, and he acted like he couldn't remember the last time he'd showered, so I reminded him it had been 3 days, to which he argued it was really 2 days. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Wednesday > Saturday is 3 days, right?

Even when I want to kiss him I know his breathe will smell bad, also, his beard always smells off, so that adds to it.

How do I tell him his hygiene is a huge turn off for me without humiliating him?

@doctorharvey "Would most people here be tempted to end a marriage over hygiene?"

Yes, I would. He's not thinking about you or the impact on your relationship at all. In fact he's laughing at you. So basically he doesn't give a shit. If he was genuinely trying to change, or showing signs of depression then that might be different. But as things stand, he's the one humiliating you. To be honest your post has made me feel physically sick so god knows how you actually have sex with him. He's abusing you and treating you like a fool. His colleagues must dread being in his presence too.

I’ve read a couple of similar posts on here before with disbelief, just as I think people can’t set the bar any lower where a partner is concerned I come across this.

Awful op. Im surprised no colleagues have mentioned it to him. Nothing worse.

You're a woman who is far more concerned about offending or humiliating her husband, than he is of offending or disgusting you.

When I read posts like this, I just think some women have just gone into a cave somewhere or under a bridge to find their husbands. in another post that you don't remember it being an issue when you first met. Hygiene and bathing is not a special trait. It's very basic adulting. What on earth possessed you to settle for this???

You say in one post that it's always been an issue, but then say in another that you don't remember it being an issue when you first met. To be honest, it doesn't matter than much because it shouldn't be happening either way.

How sad that you've spent a long time in a relationship with bad sex life, and scummy, smelly man who evidently doesn't care how you feel. It's so bad it just reads as strategic incompetence or contempt for you.

I don't think women take it as seriously as they should at the beginning.

Someone told me that they liked a man but that he had very bad teeth. Like the kind of bad teeth that indicates poor hygiene and I think some of them might have been missing. This man wasn't poor, so the fact that he thought it was ok to date whilst not fixing this was a very significant sign of a difference in character and entitlement.

When he laughs like that, he's laughing at you I'm afraid and treating you with breezy contempt. You just don't realise it yet.

I would tell him he either showers once a day and changes or you'll withdraw physically/leave him. It would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't live with a man like that. That's grim.

FFS how does he expect you to want to be intimate with him, to be attacked, you need a very frank discussion, fuck his feelings.

I wouldn’t have started a marriage with someone who has poor hygiene so yes it’s a divorce level issue for me

I live alone and WFH and still barb or shower every day without fail. Anything less than daily would be a dealbreaker fir me

That he's deflecting conversation is going to make any progress forward difficult to impossible. He has to accept that it's an issue and one that can be dealt with. If he refuses any steps forward, I can see why for many that would be a dealbreaker. It's really low energy and it's hard to be in a relationship - any kind of relationship other than with a young child - when the balance of the energy coming into the relationship is sharply uneven.

I've gone through periods where I've struggled with hygiene for multiple reasons. The solution was making it as easy as possible - shower chair, a good shower cap, there was a time where my husband helped me in and out of the tub as I was stiff, in a lot of pain (which showering made worse), and felt very unstable on my feet. Now I'm in a home with a shower room with handrails and seat with an electric shower that is far less of a fight to get to temperature and that has led to me showering regularly 95% of the time (5% bad flareups where the pain wins).

I also went through a time where I'd brush my teeth in the shower because I was frustrated with my shaky hands and getting toothpaste on my clothes (my sink is right next to the shower with one of the handrails between them). It seems like such a little thing when I write it out, but I found little things build up frustration that cause barriers to doing what we know we should when energy is low.

The thing is - he has to be willing to discuss what his barriers are. My husband offered to help me in and out of the shower after I was discussing getting in and out as an issue openly. Until he can admit any barriers, it just looks like he doesn't care about his impact on you that you seem to have made pretty clear.

You say when you first met it wasn’t an issue. Then in the next post you say it’s always been an issue.
My husband is scrupulously clean. If for any reason he doesn’t have a shower , I’ll tell him (and vice versa ).
It’s grim.

He’s not 5. He’s a grown man.

Dirty penis!!!! Oh my days…

He’s a grown man, not a six year old going through a mucky phase.

I'm shocked by the suggestions that you micromanage the hygiene of this adult.

He knows there's a problem, you've told him.

You won't solve this by communicating better.

You'll solve it by setting a boundary and doing the hard work of following it through.

How far are you prepared to go?

Agree. I’m always shocked at the advice given by some on MN that a woman’s role is to teach a grown arse man how to behave like a reasonable adult by infantilising them.

Women are not rehabilitation therapists for sub standard men

I like the chat gpt answer above.
id end the marriage if you take these steps and nothing changes as he clearly doesn’t respect you or himself if he expects you to want to touch or suck on a smelly dirty filthy penis.

if you do leave him he would 100% clean up his act (pun intended) for the next woman he dates.

I don’t think I could un smell that dirty dick so it would probably be over for me even if he did improve

Is he lazy in other areas of life

I had a chat with him and he told me he would improve, so here's hoping!! I mentioned that I feel disrespected by his lack of hygiene because of the various reasons. Pray for me!

It's good that you raised it with him.
Was he offended? Or did he acknowledge that it was his short falling?

how the fuck can you have sex with a man whos hygiene is like this

Yes course that’s skanky

who wants to Be near a cheesy knob or a manky dick

let alone a smelly beard orb with bits of fluff and food in it

hope your chat wen well and things improve

Guy, you stink like a human garbage bin. Get showered and act like a grown ass man. I'm sick of smelling you and I shouldn't have to be saying this to you. If you can manage this for a few days, without my assistance henceforth, I'd love dinner and movie. Thanks.

I think he was for sure embarrassed, but he wasn't offended. He started to make excuses about why and I shut it down and told him there's no excuse. If I can stay clean, he can too.

I so couldn’t cope with this. My DH has a least one shower a day. We lived in a very hot African country for years and we both had showered at least twice a day so just got into the habit of being a bit clean!
I don’t understand people who don’t have good personal hygiene, I’d run a mile!