Husbands hygiene

[doctorharvey]

My husbands hygiene has never been great, and it's always effected our sex life because I know he's never clean. I notice he goes days without showering even though he knows he'll smell. I remember one time he put on underwear after getting out of the shower, and the underwear had a bit of pee on them (he had only put them on a few hours prior) after going to the toilet, I was so repulsed by it and I called him out on it but he laughed it off.

Anyway, yesterday it had been 3 days in between him washing himself, and he had a bath. When I walked onto the bathroom the smell of BO and dirty penis was overwhelming and I asked if the smell was him, to which he responded "What smell?". I told him, and he acted like he couldn't remember the last time he'd showered, so I reminded him it had been 3 days, to which he argued it was really 2 days. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Wednesday > Saturday is 3 days, right?

Even when I want to kiss him I know his breathe will smell bad, also, his beard always smells off, so that adds to it.

How do I tell him his hygiene is a huge turn off for me without humiliating him?

Yet these men don't mind the offence they cause!

I am offended on your behalf.

You're humiliating yourself by staying with stinky nobcheese man

His behaviour is not that of a responsible adult. It’s selfish and is putting his relationship at risk. I’d sit him down and tell him that he’s making your life miserable.

Years ago, I had an au pair that stank, literally stank - if she was in the car you’d have to have all the windows open, and if she’d had one of the toddlers in her arms, you could smell her on the child. The whole house had this awful tang when you walked in 🤮

She had her own bathroom but never seemed to use it. She’d obviously had a shower etc for her interview with the agency and with me. She’d been with us about a week when things got really bad and even the children began to notice. I did a big shop and bought lovely new soaps, shower gels and deodorant, seemingly for everyone but offered her some. She refused, saying she had her own.

Finally, as kindly as I could I sat her down alone one evening and said something. She went apeshit - rang a distant relative who turned up a midnight, swore at me for being cruel to her, and left with her in an exaggerated swirl of dust on the driveway.

How you put up with this, day after day, year after year, with someone you share a bed with, is beyond sad. I’d tell him kindly, if nothing happened, I’d read the riot act.

Do you have children with him?

Only you know how bad it is, but I’d probably be ready to end things if after multiple discussions my partner refused to change. For context I’m not BO phobic, I can live with things. For example I can live with slight BO because someone skipped showering for one day. But I’d think It’s absolutely non negotiable to wear clean clothes, brush teeth twice a day, wash hands every time you touch something dodgy and obviously every time you go to the toilet, wash face twice a day, and my personal thing is I’ll jump in the shower and wash locally after doing a poo even if I can’t be arsed (!) to do a full shower. That last one would be what makes it ok to go a day without showering cause you’ve really washed the grimmest areas.

I don’t think I’d entertain a relationship with someone who doesn’t brush teeth or goes days on end without hot water touching their bums, sorry OP.

BO and dirty penis smell? Jesus I could never

I feel bad derailing the thread but honestly this is making me seriously despair for humanity. I fear young generations are going to start showing early symptoms of dementia if they cannot fathom thinking for themselves or doing their own research on anything, from what time does this store open to, as you say, matters of opinion. Its actually scary.

It would be better coming from you, however humiliating, than from a colleague, manager, friend or acquaintance. I think it is our job and responsibility to give difficult news like this to close friends and family.

If you cant tell him, who can? Honestly I would just say dh when you don't wash every day you smell. Trying to avoid offense is a waste of time, its not personal, people who dont wash smell, and they are opening themselves up to humiliation by others. And yes, I would end things over this, hygiene is a very basic requirement in a relationship.

I agree with this.

i can understand people’s frustration with posters copying and pasting from the internet. But if someone deems what they have found helpful to the situation and wishes to include it in their post, they should not be bullied and intimidated into not doing so.

Why are you all so worried about causing offence to these skanky men

and why are you staying with them

they aren’t bothered about being offensive to you are they

they still expect sex and intimacy when they can’t even be bothered with the basic self care

they are disgusting and I would be telling them that

a bit of a smell because they have been hard at work doing something physical ok

but a stinking smell smelly ass and dick and cheese breath because they can’t be bothered is vile

I don’t know how people can be like this he sounds gross. I showered on Friday night after the gym so didn’t bother yesterday (was just dossing about yesterday at home) and by this morning I felt grim so had a shower first thing.

I think you need to just be blunt and tell
him his personal hygiene is completely unacceptable and he needs to shower daily from now on. He’s a filthy lazy bastard. It takes 10 minutes to have a shower for gods sake

If he smells surely your bedlinen will smell, where he sits on the sofa, clothes in the washing basket etc. the full house must smell.

OMG this has given me the absolute fucking boak you poor thing

I think the ChatGPT advice from a PP is really good - particularly because it doesn’t make it into an attack but tells him how YOU feel about it and how it affects your life and your enjoyment of the relationship.

let us know how it goes!

I empathise with you OP because I had a very similar problem. Again we were together a long time and I can't remember him being so bad in the beginning, it just crept up on me. He got annoyed when I said it put me off sex - said it was just an excuse, but I really think (as I say, it was such a long time ago now so hard to remember) that yes, I wasn't keen on sex because of his hygiene and I didn't like to say, so for him it seemed to come out of nowhere. I hadn't mentioned it (much) before and I had often not been keen on sex, so now it must be an excuse. Like you, I felt embarrassed for him and didn't want to humiliate him etc.

We did split up eventually, and our lack of a sex life was his main reason (mine was infidelity, but he blamed that on me too) but he had more than one affair.

I remember him once telling me that he had had a shower/bath and brushed his teeth every day for - three months I think - and I still hadn't initiated anything. I felt awful, and I supposed it had become ingrained by then. It was only much later, after our divorce, that I checked back and realised that those three months coincided with his affair. So he knew it was a turn off but couldn't be bothered making the effort for me, only for the OW. I think he therefore must have been making more of an effort in our early years.

The damage was done you see - mostly because he was a dirty devil, but also because I didn't bring it up soon enough. I didn't want to be a nag - he could be quite nasty and had a temper.

When he needs a bath run one for him and say I've run the bath so need for you to, you can just hop in. See if you can create a habit even if it is a bit of work for you for a while. If he's still reluctant you could say you're getting a bit whiffy with a laugh.

Are you married to Jim Royal?

This thread is insane. He deserves to be humiliated, the dirty fucker. Why are you tolerating this? And yes, I would end a marriage with someone who made no effort to be clean for me, as that would show a complete lack of care and respect for me, for our sex life, and for our relationship generally. Raise your bar, for God's sake.

There is a difference between someone googling some stats to back up an argument before compiling said info into a coherent response to another poster and souless AI slop. That researched, backed up with human personal experiences and anecdotes etc is what makes this place attractive. When I was going through IVF I could have just googled/ Chat GPT for info but there was something particularly warming that a stranger who had gone through something similar had taken the time to sit down and write a personal response to my particular enquiry. World of difference.

I would stop being vague about it and tell him that you don't want to hurt his feelings but you resent how awkward it is now. That you want him to take more care of his personal hygiene and you need him to make sure he showers at least every other day or preferably daily, and clean clothes. That you do not want a big discussion or to argue about it. It just needs to be taken seriously because it's grim and he's being disrespectful to let it get like that and to make it get to the stage where you have to bring it up.
That you want to see real effort and change here.

I’m extremely sensitive to smell and I couldn’t tolerate this. It would be game over for the relationship.

I wouldn’t have him anywhere near my bed, let alone my body!

@doctorharvey i don’t understand why you think your partner being asker to have basic hygiene standards is humiliating.

Are you able to unpick your thought process here?

I think it is humiliating to have to live the way you are living.

May i ask you to extrapolate on your story?

Are you still together?
Did he make changes?
Did he seek help for his depression?
Are you still together?

Are things better now?

It sounds like it is not something that bothers him/ he would do if you didn't exist and he is still doing as he would "naturally" do if he wasn't married. I still think it is a reasonable thing for him to "work at" or "timetable" hygiene for your relationship. He needs to know what the minimum requirements are.

This is probably not very mumsnet but I think for marriage there has to be compromise and effort. I take many decisions/ do things to make my DH's life good and prioritise things he wants/ make them things I want also. I think overall we have a better relationship/life because of it. I don't think telling him he smells or asking when he showered is going to make him change his "natural" behaviour, he might shower then, but he isn't going to start showering daily. So you will have to be asking him to actively do something about it.

If there are things I can accept/ ignore / put up with then I try to. Somethings though are not ok and I think this needs a blunt talk and you need to hear what is his plan for changes. Tell him you want to find him more desirable, then praise him.
"you smell great" "I've noticed a change, thank you"
"I can see you are putting effort in and I really appreciate it" "I am so glad you took our talk ok and know I just didn't want this to damage our relationship, I have tried to look past it"

some of the advice on here is nuts - run him a bath / be gentle / offer sex if he has a wash 🤣

he is fucking disgusting OP so just tell him, and if he doesn’t change then leave.

He will also be that guy at work / at the pub etc that everyone discusses how much he stinks, make sure you tell him that too!

I have been married for 20 years and literally have no idea what dirty dick smells like… I am apparently fortunate to live with a man that has respect for himself and others so washes every day!