Husbands hygiene

[doctorharvey]

My husbands hygiene has never been great, and it's always effected our sex life because I know he's never clean. I notice he goes days without showering even though he knows he'll smell. I remember one time he put on underwear after getting out of the shower, and the underwear had a bit of pee on them (he had only put them on a few hours prior) after going to the toilet, I was so repulsed by it and I called him out on it but he laughed it off.

Anyway, yesterday it had been 3 days in between him washing himself, and he had a bath. When I walked onto the bathroom the smell of BO and dirty penis was overwhelming and I asked if the smell was him, to which he responded "What smell?". I told him, and he acted like he couldn't remember the last time he'd showered, so I reminded him it had been 3 days, to which he argued it was really 2 days. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Wednesday > Saturday is 3 days, right?

Even when I want to kiss him I know his breathe will smell bad, also, his beard always smells off, so that adds to it.

How do I tell him his hygiene is a huge turn off for me without humiliating him?

Why would you want to stay with a partner where you have to make rules about showering? What the hell other rules do you have to make for him to function as a partner/parent??

And you married him!?! Just what attracted you to your smelly bf then hubbie? He ain’t changing

I think you are confusing humilation with embarrassment. You’re not proposing to publicly shame him on Facebook (which would be humiliating) - you are needing to tell him bluntly that you find his lack hygiene revolting and you can no longer share any intimacy with him as a result. You need to tell him he needs to start showering/teeth brushing/beard grooming daily or, for you, the relationship is over.

You can soften it by asking if there is an underlying issue of depression or low self-esteem etc that is contributing to his lack of self care, and if so perhaps he’d like to speak to the GP or have counselling? But if he says there is nothing wrong, you’ll have to assume it is laziness. So, he SHOULD rightly feel embarrassed or at least take a moment to introspect over why he cares so little about his cleanliness. But the embarrassment is a result of his failure to address this issue and you can’t hold that for him.

If you want to reframe it - to a certain extent you have enabled it by not speaking up sooner - so this is an indication that there are deeper issues in your marriage than just his hygiene.

ETA to say this is not AI 🤣 I do have an 18yo who will also go days without showering 🤢 but he is told in no uncertain terms to wash… and the impending arrival of his beloved girlfriend always spurs him into the bathroom. He even cleans his loo… and he is autistic, so no excuse there either.

You don’t want to humiliate him @doctorharvey!
He’s not thinking of your feelings is he ?
He doesn’t appear to give a sh*t.

Can the people who don't like AI just scroll past please?

It was actually reasonable advice with the source fully acknowledged and it harmed no-one.

If a poster looks it up, agrees with what's written and thinks it reflects what they would want to say, it's harmless at worst and helpful (because it's decent English and correct) at best.

Also, it's the future, get used to it.

Well MN are highly unlikely to do that are they

they have implemented the AI thread titles & where do you think half the threads come from now?

I think all we can do is ask other posters not to do it. It's a forum for human opinions.

Is this for real? Why on earth have you let this go beyond one or two occasions? If it were my husband, I’d tell him the first time I noticed.

But what an absolute minger. I can’t get my head around that he’s not showering at least daily. And you say his ‘hygiene has never been great’. Why did you marry him? How can you stay married to him? I couldn’t be in the same room as him, let alone contemplate kissing or having sex with him. 🤮

It’s disgusting 🤢

Interesting that you’ve phrased the question in these terms.

Clearly nobody is advocating ending a marriage over hygiene. As always, the issue is not the issue.

What we are talking about is what it says about a relationship where one party tells the other that something is an important issue for them, and the other party repeatedly and insistently minimalises, trivialises, stonewalls, deflects and ignores that issue. The DARVOing here is impressive.

The marriage-ending bit is the bit where your feelings are fundamentally of little concern to your husband.

If you haven’t yet spelt out to your DH clearly what the issue is and the effect it is having on you, I’d urge you to consider doing so.
How he responds will tell you a lot about the relationship. You’ll then be in a better position to decide what you want to do, if anything.

He might be apologetic and take action to clean up his act. Or he might double down and say ‘You knew what I was like when we got together, this is how I am, take it or leave it.’
Either way, it surely has to be better than allowing the current state of affairs to continue.

How would you feel about being direct to him?

Hi op I've just ended a very long term relationship and this was one of the key reasons why, there were bigger issues for me but looking back I should have issued an ultimatum years ago (ie this is the level of washing literally written out) and if it isn't upheld walk. It's speaks to how he views you ie I'd rather have more free time and if that's u pleasant and embarrassing for you so be it. He's not going to change and I'd leave. Good luck and sorry he's put you in this position.

No need to humiliate him, just be clear. Eg, ' Everyone starts to smell if the don't wash ever day, including you. You are leaving an unpleasant smell in the house and I don't like getting close to you. It's been going on for ages and I won't be staying with you if you don't change. You need a shower every day including hair and beard and to clean your teeth twice. Think about it. '

No.

if a person doesn't have their own opinion on whether an adult should bathe daily, THEY can scroll on by. I don't care what a computer thinks about human bathing standards.

...and if for some weird reason I did, I'm quite capable of asking it myself.

new MN tag line 'for humans, by humans'

Asked chatGBT

Why? It’s just annoying. The OP could’ve done this, but chose to engage with humans instead.

And it’s ChatGPT.

Madness isn't it!

I can sympathise op.

mine’s issue is dental hygiene.

his mouth is disgusting.

even when he’s said he’s brushed his teeth I can still see visible plaque around all of his teeth.

his breath in the morning is like a devil with gastroenteritis’s arse!

I bought him an electric toothbrush, water flosser, give him bits of floss, offer to pay for hygienist visits etc but he doesn’t see/ doesn’t care.

he doesn’t like mirrors (???) so I don’t think he looks at his face/smile/teeth to check they are ok so I think he doesn’t realise how bad it is and how everyone notices but I’m the only one who says anything.

he doesn’t care about his appearance generally.

when I bring up the subject, sometimes not intentionally ie by moving away when I get a mouthful of the smell in bed, it turns into him telling me off for criticising him. I’m made to feel bad for ‘being mean etc’. But how else can I communicate it? I think I’m very subtle. I don’t say how bad it is or mention it very often (probably less than fortnightly) when it’s an all day every day problem.

using sex/kissing as a bargaining chip would have no impact on him as he has a very low libido anyway.

I don’t have a solution sorry.

just sympathy.

You want to prevent somebody else from posting what they feel they want to post and they presumably think will be helpful.

It is not in your power to prevent them doing that. Your rights extend only as far as scrolling past, if it annoys you.

It was acknowledged, you had no need to read further than the first three words, so why did you, if it annoys you so much?

I'm getting pretty sick of people on this forum telling other people what they can and can't write. It's happening all over the place.

Why don’t you have more respect for yourself?

Seriously. Why do you put up with this??

Before we married a very long time ago we came to an agreement that if either of us smelled we would tell one another without offence.
We have been married over 40 years.
To answer your question would you end a marriage over this issue the answer would be yes. It must be unsufferable.
Good luck OP

The AI answers are tedious on here, if the OP wanted to put it into ChatGPT I’m sure they would have. I wonder about posters who put a forum question into chat for an answer instead of using their own brain to type out a reply.

@doctorharvey I wouldn’t be worrying about embarrassing him, he’s a grown man, he knows how to shower and keep himself clean, he knows you don’t like being near a dirty minger of a husband yet he’s still continuing not to shower etc. It’s disrespectful imo and I couldn’t have sex or kiss anyone who couldn’t take care of basic hygiene. Stop making excuses for him “running around and needing a shower”, he’s stinking because he can’t be bothered to wash and he doesn’t give two fucks about your feelings on his lack of hygiene.

Lack of hygiene would be a deal breaker for me.

I would. It would definitely be a deal breaker as I've got a really acute sense of smell and find BO hard to deal with.

That said, the man I married has always been "clean" so if he didn't bath or shower regularly I'd have assume something was wrong.

Yep. I asked Britain's got talent and it said.....

Fucking idiotic.

Yes. 💐

Just humiliate him OP and tell him he stinks so much you dont want sex with him because he is revolting. Its the only language stinkers understand.

My stomach churned and I almost gagged on my breakfast when I read your OP.

please do whatever it takes to get him to start cleaning himself, for him as much as for you.

Yes. Without a doubt I would.

I am extremely sensitive to smells and having to live with this would see me divorcing him. I would have fallen out of love with someone who CBA to shower daily. The ick would permanent.