Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

I have read your other thread and I am in awe of your strength and resolve. You engaged with posters, it was clear you were at the end of your capacity to deal with things. I applaud your capacity to act so quickly and with such certainty. I expect this has come as an immense shock to your ex-partner and he is lashing out to try and gain back some resolve. So, look past it, see it for what it is, he feels small, he has to start thinking about what he needs to do for his children and himself - without you there to provide structure, stability and a helping hand. He is floundering and his ego is lashing out.

Some advice from me, take whatever is useful and ignore the rest. Firstly, I have an only child and carried immense guilt at that however, now that my son is in secondary school I no longer beat myself up because the breadth of activities that open up when they get into secondary school is immense. You will both be busier than you know soon enough!

Secondly, well done for recognising that it is the simple acts of kindness (a coffee in bed in the morning) that mean so much and, when removed, communicate so much. You told him this, it was his opportunity to understand and address what was going on in your relationship, he let that opportunity pass.

Thirdly, this relationship might be over, it might not. Not everyone is born into a loving family with emotionally literate parents. Some of us learn the hard way by failing again and again before we become aware. People are complex, life is nuanced, no one is beyond self improvement. Living and coping alone might just be what your ex needs to develop some much needed perspective. Don't rush to respond to his messages; no need to play games but do realise that he is attempting to change the narrative and take back control, you don't need to feed his ego.

Lastly, if the relationship ends, it doesn't mean that it was a failure. Some people are in our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Not every relationship, romantic or not, is meant to endure forever. Each one brings something to our life and teaches us something.

I wish you the very best and do not write yourself off at 40, you're not even middle aged yet!

I’m going to go out, lock door behind me, sit in my car with him for five minutes max and that’s it. I will be very firm. Don’t worry.

Sorry, I can see it sounds like a dig but I actually didn’t mean that. I can see it reads that way though and I do apologise. I do think it’s different moving your kids into someone else’s home rather than letting someone come and stay in yours actually. I don’t think this guy cares that much for his kids as he’s already thinking of the next woman whose house he can move into and contemplating open relationships rather than focusing his efforts and resources on providing for his kids.

To regularly and easily call you as CXXT is so unbelievable.

He was abusing you.
5 months love bombing to get housing that worked.

His tears will be for himself.

How you are cost him money, how you are inconveniencing HIM

This is not about you.
He doesn't want to spend time with you.
He wants housing.

Abusive name calling is such a red flag and yet so many women accept it.

How quicky he stopped it when you said his housing might be affected?

Can you see the pattern?

Housing, housing, housing.
THAT is his priority, not you or your child.

Stay strong.
His coming to the house is further proof of disrespect and his need to grind you down on this.
Spend the weekend gathering their shit together and put it near the door for quick removal, not hours snd hours of drama as they gather it.

Take control, you can do this.

He is saying you only care about money because HE only cares about money. Otherwise, why is this such an issue? If my DP who I loved said it wasn’t working living together and blending families I’d be fine with not living together. Anyone who actually loved you would. He loved your house, the fact you paid 2/3rds of the cost, looked after his kids and let him be a user. Despite this imbalance in your relationship, he called you heinous names, showed no regard for your feelings or desires and generally treated you like shit. The minute you asserted some autonomy, he couldn’t handle it and it’s now all your fault.

I hope the car chat goes okay. Be very calm and firm and just keep repeating that it’s not working and that your mind will not be changed.

And yes him coming to the house when you said not to is just further evidence of his total lack of respect for you. You are just a resource to him and the pp who said that he was able to quickly stop calling you a cunt when his housing was threatened is spot on. So true. This wasn’t some emotional outburst he couldn’t control. He always could control it but chose to use that language towards you when he thought he could get away with it.

Have RTFT. My God, it's ALL about him and his children's wants/needs. My jaw dropped when I read he complained about your son spending too much time in his own home whilst you have been housing his three from five months into the relationship. Today's crocodile tears are because he has been kicked off the gravy train. Stay strong, he will never be the person you want him to be.

Hope all is ok with the conversation, OP.
In a week you will be feeling very different, laughing again (as your sister said), taking up new ideas, breaks, holidays. Ideal for your son to start senior school on this footing.

He sure doesn't listen to your no.

He's not giving you time or space or peace. Now you have to deal with his shit. It's the same type of thing as his kids causing chaos that kept you too busy to think. He's trying to keep you off balance.

He's only there to get what he wants, free housing. This is not about the breaking of a love relationship where he's strongly emotionally connected.

His kids aren't homeless. He's now got to make a home for them instead of you providing it and cleaning services like a good service provider.

I think you need to tell him to give you a break from the constant contact.

I think you should make a detailed log of everything that happens.
He is acting as if he owns you. Personally I don't think I'd get in his car with him because that's his territory, you will be entering his lair, sorry if that sounds a bit dramatic!

Just wanted to wish you and your son all the best @PithyBeaker

One thing did strike me though (sorry I can't remember which very wise person said this further up thread)

"the person he is painting you out to be wouldn’t have twisted herself like a pretzel to accommodate him and his DC and tried so hard for so long. Don’t let him tarnish your shine"

100 per cent agree with this. It struck me that this is often what happens when one has finally had enough of cheeky fucker behaviour and finally stand up and say a flat No to them for the first time... There's no gratitude for what you've given them, all the previous time (even years) of service and favours and caring for them are completely forgotten - out the window - because you said a proper No to them. They've got brain warp... because they ONLY see themselves and their needs... so they were never going to be a truly reciprocal friendship or relationship. It was only ever about them.

I also thought his comments about only wanting to be together as a family, were quite stark in laying bare the transactional nature. If you agree to be a family, he will have you back. It says quite plainly that he sees you as a parent and provider to his kids first and foremost and a partner as a maybe/afterthought... and that is exactly nail on the head what you have been rebelling against.

He's been treating you as a parent/provider for HIM. He can ignore the household chores, the boring bits of parenting and focus on his playstation and own interests, and that's why he wasn't bothered about spending time with you as a partner. So he's actually defining that being with you as an adult partner on a equal basis whilst he has to suddenly step up parenting his own children and household management - is only a smaller part of a much bigger deal for him. You were expected to look after all of them.

It's not surprising you feel a bit shell shocked, and I agree with those saying don't accept the nasty text comments, but I do think you have made a lucky escape from a situation that would only have deteriorated further and quite rapidly with time.

This!

OP just on the therapy thing (which I'm sure you know you need more of)

Please please, get a trained psychodynamic therapist.

Counselling degree courses are not nearly long or rigorous enough and lead to the kind of situation you've described with yours. I think they're actively dangerous - (to the counsellor too, when they end up failing with a patient who has serious clinical support needs).

What do you think your son would do if he heard this dude calling you a cunt in your own home?

That's another reason he wants your son out. He knows that as your son gets older, your son would likely snap at some point if he heard this dude calling you names and verbally abusing you. That's extreme disrespect and he's modeling that for his kids.

What a cheek coming round when you told him not to.

I agree with the pp who said pack his stuff... so they don't spend hours in your house and he has ages to manipulate you. Do you have a garage... you could leave it there and tell him to collect.

And YES,.. DO change the locks...I know it may seen a bit OTT, but he will def have copies of the keys. somewhere on MN.. there's links on how easy and cheap it is to change the barrels.

I think you should tell him to come back on Monday and have a friend present.

Edited to add
If he's already made his way in... call a friend to come round now.. he will be less likely to spout hurtful abusive comments and recriminations if he knows there's someone there to witness... he wants to present himself as the victim. And the friend can help by telling him its time to leave.
Then pack up anything he has'nt taken today and text him to collect by a certain date.

this ^

i said earlier on that everything is about him, and here's more proof of that.

at no point has he thought about what you want. it's all about him. like a tantrumming toddler it's all about what he wants and how he feels. you told him not to come round but he ignored that. pay attention to how he is behaving now because it tells you loud and clear that his needs will always come above yours - and he feels totally entitled to ignore what you say when it doesn't suit him.

You really shouldn’t have done this. You have in effect given him a script for a path back to your heart his cocklodging. Not now, maybe, but in due course he will be back….. because no woman can hold a candle to you and he misses you so much…. Et cetera, et cetera.

You are very vulnerable right now but you mustn’t show weakness. Grey rock!!! You must harden your resolve and protect yourself.

You can do this.

thestudio,

Re therapy, I'm not sure this comment is very helpful right now. OP has plenty of time to consider that later. She's still trying to get through the weekend for heaven's sake! If you have ever been in this position before, you will understand.

i would also think seriously about not having his kids at your son's party. i know your son will want to see them, but there's a massive risk of him turning the emotional screws on you while they are there. or getting them lined up to ask innocent sounding questions about why you don't like them anymore in a way that's aimed at embarrassing you and making you feel like shit in public.

Another thing, you need to think hard about why, despite getting him to leave, you would still be willing to carry on a relationship with someone who repeatedly calls you a c*nt and openly resents your young son spending time in his own home.

I actually think it was helpful now, as OP's therapist was so unhelpful in taking the guy's side, and OP could in weak moments think of that and doubt herself. So good to be reminded that better therapists exist when she's ready for that, and not to set any store by the last one. It's plain the sun does not shine out of this guy's ass at all and the more OP can hang onto that truth, the better.

His behaviour is highlighting his disrespect and immaturity. No matter how painful the situation, he has failed to respect your feelings, boundaries and your family (you and DC).
Why did he not say something like “I am shocked and hurt, and I need to process this. Can we meet at a neutral place to discuss this tomorrow?” He didn’t because he is trying to manipulate you and suggest that not respecting your boundaries (ie not come to the house) is not a big deal because he is trying to “keep the family together “. Don’t fall for it and don’t let the bastard grind you down! You’ve got this OP!

The reality is setting in and he’s in a blind panic about how to house his DC.

I am sorry but it isn’t about how much he loves or misses you OP. As you know, he thinks you’re a cunt.

All he cares about is getting his needs met and he will pull out all the stops now.

Please don’t have him back. I would arrange for his stuff to be delivered to him by uber/a man with a van. Do you have a male family member or friend who would help you with this if you find it difficult? He’s less likely to behave badly if you are accompanied by a man, sad to say…

OP, please be careful about trying to talk to this guy, including going into his car. He is in panic mode, he will do whatever it takes to get his foot back in the door, promising the world, crying, pleading, saying he will kill himself etc.

Once he realises those strategies won't work, he will turn nasty. I echo PP that you need to change the locks, and start thinking about your safety and wellbeing. There is no need to be picking up his calls and messaging him.

He isn't on your team, and never has been. You were a convenient host to provide a roof over his head and had to go far as outsourcing to another woman to clean up after his filthy feral children. His meal ticket has been taken away. I promise you, I have been there when the begging and pleading escalates into nastiness. I would be extremely careful about getting into his car and letting him into your space alone.

If you have any good friends/family nearby OP, it might be a good time for them to be in the house with you. You don't want to be alone with him. Hes gonna be angry and I'm not saying anything physical will happen, but he will have full emotional/manipulative guns out. Be good to have support I'd say. Remember the locks