Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

I do think he's now crossed a line in driving to your house when you specifically said wait until Monday.

He's now bulling and manipulating you into doing what's best for him and his DC.

He's becoming very desperate, now is the time for you to hold yourself to your own words and stay put on your decision.

She's not getting in his car. She said she'd sit in her car with him, if that makes any difference.

If you'd been renting a one-bed flat when you met him OP, would he have wanted to be "a family" with you and your son?

Of course not.

He love-bombed you because you had a big house. That's all.

"I want us to be a family" = "I want to live in your big house with my kids".

He's now free to ask any woman he meets to move into his one-bed flat with him and "be a family". But he won't be doing that. His sole criteria on the dating apps will be "does she have a big house that I can move into with my kids?"

It's all about money with him (ironically). Women's money.

Allow the feelings of loss to come OP (crucial to let yourself feel it all) - and hold firm regardless. You will. We're all rooting for you.

I agree. There will be serious rage coming. The fact that he called you a cunt shows the extremely low regard he has for you and he will be livid that you are daring to assert your boundaries. He is a very entitled man who believes women are there to serve him and blames them for all his problems. Be very careful, no car chats, change locks, block his number once the admin bits are sorted.

If you'd been renting a one-bed flat when you met him OP, would he have wanted to be "a family" with you and your son?

Well quite. And even if he had wanted that and if he had the bigger house, I'm betting there's zero chance the OP would have even contemplated moving herself and her DC in with him and his DC in 5 months or even in the first couple of years. Indeed, she understands it would've worked much better living apart and still having an adult relationship which didn't involve co-habiting and OP taking so much responsibility for his DC, but he is incapable of grasping that. Sadly I agree that him wanting this family love simply does mean housing them.

Be prepared for some weapons grade manipulation to take place now OP. The reality of his situation is starting to hit home. You will need to be extremely boundaried and sure of yourself in order to maintain the new status quo - at exactly your weakest moment.

It will be helpful to remind yourself, if he really loves you for you and not for the comfort you bring to his life, he will be willing to put up with discomfort. The only thing you can accept is actual changed behaviour, demonstrated repeatedly, not promises. That means remaining fully committed to the relationship while living in his own property.

Tbh the misogynistic name calling indicates hes likely in abuser category, so is not a good long term bet. But for now, just stay strong on the living arrangements. The rest will reveal itself in time.

@PithyBeaker please let us know you’re ok? I’m worried he’s going to tell you what you want to hear to worm his way back in.

DO NOT ALLOW THIS.

or in words he’d understand

do not ENTERTAIN this from him.

all that guff about finances? That’s him projecting, it proves he moved in for financial gain.

HE COULD HAVE SAVED MONEY THESE PAST 5 YEARS so that he could have a better financial position.

but no. He preferred to leave it on the to let bowl and not take responsibility for himself/his kids.

the name calling made me gasp. This isn’t a partner, the comment about you “dying alone with no friends or family” is textbook manipulative nonsense

my abusive ex said the same.

spoiler alert: I met my now dp of 10 years at 48, we’re getting married sometime this year. He’s amazing, adores me and the cherry on the cake is that he’s very well off and I’ll never need to worry about anything ever again. I’ve got more friends now than I ever had with my ex as he’d isolated me from everyone.

so yeah.. they love to trot that BS out, but remember This is THEIR worst fear they are talking about.

That is enough on its own to know how poorly you were being treated. People don’t call people they love and respect cunts.

He didn’t want to live together and share everything. He wanted to move into your house rent free and for you give up your autonomy to service him and his children for less than the equivalent of minimum wage. The fact that you would rather get in a cleaner than ask him to clean up promptly after his kids tells you everything you need to know about the relationship. He couldn’t even be arsed to do you the honour of going for the occasional walk instead of gaming. You might miss him note, but you won’t in a month or two.

He is a total charmer. No regard for your boundaries just trampling over them all. I’m absolutely fuming for you @PithyBeaker 🤬

Edited as I somehow commented on the wrong thread

Can you call someone to come over to be with you while he packs his stuff?

I agree that you should change the locks. He came round when you told him not to, this suggests that he feels your house is still rightfully his and that you have wronged him by not wanting to get a mortgage with him. It's not much of a stretch for him to feel it's fine for him to let himself into the house imo.

not caught up w everyone’s comments, trying to give DC my attention and put phone away. I left house and now he is saying he needs tools so I am going back for five mins to let him take tools. That’s it. Then grocery and gardening. Trying to keep DC away from the drama. He’s doing well and honestly seems relieved.

Every SINGLE boundary you put in place he tramples over. He doesn't listen to a single one. You have to start holding your boundaries, Pithy. You can do it. The first is the hardest and it gets easier and easier.

Just remember, this guy gives little and takes much. He wants you to share your resources with him and his children but not really with your son. Your son gets less of you because of this man being so transactional and taking so much of your attention, time, energy and home that you're ground down.

He may be crying, but this is about resources for him, not a deep emotional bond.

He can get his tools another time. You've given him enough time today and you need time with your son. He's trying to keep you off balance and insert himself constantly and wear you down until you're emotionally exhausted.

He really is something else saying this shit 😲. Good on you for getting rid. Some other poor woman can bank roll him, his 3 kids and his ex. What makes him and his ex so special that they procreate 3 times and want other people to subsidise them?!

You do not have to jump each time his lordship demands, otherwise he will need something later this evening, tomorrow morning, then in the afternoon... He has zero respect for you, this is designed to keep you confused and dysregulated.

'That doesn't work for me'
'I'm not available for that'
'I can't accommodate that'

Then put your phone down. You do not owe him anything.

He’s crossing boundaries already by coming over when you told him not to. He wants to ruin your weekend with your son, he wants to triangulate your son as he pleads and gets angry.
He moved into yours after 5months, rushed whilst you were in the honeymoon period to get his feet under your table asap before you realised that the situation was too chaotic and too much for you to take on.

Hope your DC is okay. He probably felt like he had to make an effort and love his step siblings even though it sounds like at least one of them treated him like shit. Now he knows you weren’t happy with the set up, I bet he is indeed relieved. If he wants to keep in touch with them when he’s older, he can. And it’s disgusting that your ex wanted him out of his own home for more of the time when he was the freeloader that moved himself and his kids in and didn’t even pay rent.

You should make him wait sometimes op.

You’re jumping to his tune everytime he wants to grab something else. You’ve only asked him to wait till Monday and his already just rocked up once and now wants to come back again.

My female friend's (narc) Husband said to her (& their children) in the midst of their separation & divorce, that she would "end up alone in a bed sit, with cats."
He nearly destroyed her, financially, & mentally.
but,
She is currently sailing the Pacific, living her best life.
He has evaporated to another continent.
Byeeeee.
One day at a time Pithy...

I think you really, REALLY need to learn about boundaries and grey rock, @PithyBeaker

Right now he is trampling all over your boundaries and you are still responding to his efforts to rope you back in.

Lol also alone with cats is so so so superior than being in a relationship with some of these men. Why don’t they see that? Like if the choice is between peace and quiet and a cuddly adorable pet and having to put up with a whiny, leeching twat who calls me a cunt, what exactly do you think I’m gonna choose? Just shows how so many men are raised to have such a weirdly inflated opinion of themselves.

I can see that logically you are thinking he needs tools to build the furniture you moved. So maybe ask for a list of what he wants and meet him somewhere in public to hand them over.

I think it is very telling that you son feels relieved

I think you need to keep this to the front of your mind

Despite your son saying 'what about his kids' and apparently loving him HE SEEMS RELIEVED.

for that alone, he cannot come back