Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

It seems as though hes trying to emotionally manipulate you into changing your mind. He knows you are vulnerable right now and is trying to use that to his advantage. Other posters who are saying call his bluff are correct in suggesting it because thats what he is trying to avoid at all costs.

Apart from the logistics of him moving his stuff out and separating anything necessary, you don't need to talk to him. He isnt your responsibility nor your problem anymore.

If you think it would help, suggest to him you need a few days of no communication to work through some things. If he actually cares about you and your wellbeing, he will oblige. If he keeps contacting you with rubbish like he misses you anyway, its because he wants to exploit your vulnerability so he has to communicate with you over these few days. He knows what hes doing. Dont fall for it. You're strong and deserve better.

Spot on.

My darling girl, you are the same age as my daughter, and I feel very maternal toward you. Please remember the advice another woman my age has already given you.

Gather your strength, you have more of it than you realise, and it will begin to show more clearly over the coming months as the light slowly returns to your life.

Right now, and in the immediate future, things may feel difficult. You are still seeing things through the lens of nostalgia, while he is shifting his stance and speaking 🗣️🗣️ in a way that reflects his own desperation. He knows you are serious this time. It will, at moments, feel hard to resist going back.

Stay focused on yourself and your DC, and support him as he adjusts to his new life now that his mother is free from an abusive relationship.

Wishing you strength and clarity 🤞. We are here for you, with love and support.

I agree with PP, logistics of other things can wait, there is no need to be dialoguing with him right now. I don't think there's any point in asking him not to message you, he disrespected you enough to verbally abuse you, I don't think he's going to respect a reasonable request to leave you alone, his MO right now is to get his feet back under your table, stick him on mute, focus on taking care of yourself today and enjoy your peace.

Edited to add, he is the scummy type who will absolutely use his children as footsoldiers to do his dirty work. If you have him at your son's party, they will go in heavy, 'We miss you so much! Dad is so sad! We want to come back! We love you! We promise to wash our hands'

This man only sees what he wants, OP. Do NOT buy his narcissistic self-pity.

Freaks like this will switch between three channels to see what works:
(1) self-pity/guilting
(2) charm/love bombing
(3) rage/threats/insults.

If none of them work effectively, they will switch between the channels with increasing frequency.

Prepare yourself for this. Don't buy into any of it. They're all driven by his self-interest. He doesn't see you as a human.

I really advise you to stop communicating with him except to deal with the last remaining ties. Then block.

And forget about the kids coming to DCs party: things will be very very heated by then, who knows how those kids will behave to DC.

If you keep engaging with him then he will be back before you know it, console in hand.
There are children involved here and the parents involved here all need to concentrate on that for a while.
He has not given his children a thought. They will feel it, they will miss another woman who gave them care and a child they got to know. They need to know that their father will love, care and provide for them.
He needs to stop messing about and find a solution but in his mind you are the solution.
You were the solution when you first met and you are now.
Feelings are running high.
I have finally seen a good friend leave an awful partner after 10 years of this backwards and forwards and it exhausted everyone.
The very, very first step she made was to block him on all channels but one email address.
You can deal with admin another day.
While you are reading this crap you are back in his grip.

quote: “I’m not against something casual on the side in an open relationship but it’s not reasonable to ask for that as an exclusive relationship.”

He's not even trying to pretend.

Ask for that? Does he mean he thinks living apart is not worth an exclusive relationship? So he's not in it unless some woman houses him and his kids. He's completely transactional under the good looks and charm. It's what can you do for me and my kids. The emotional connection and bond isn't what's driving his relationship.

Of course he moved in quickly. That's how these types work. Once he was firmly installed, he gave you less and less because he had what he wanted and he was going to do the minimum to keep himself installed. He saw what you would tolerate and dropped down to that. That was him guilting you about rent and paying for a cleaner rather than cleaning in a timely manner and surprise, becoming verbally abusive. Minimum effort for maximum benefit.

You will never get the guy he was at the beginning of your relationship back. He's going to start the bargaining and love bombing but it's a false front.

You have dodged a huge bullet here getting him out now. The 5 years you spent with him are gone, they're your sunk cost, but your life and your son's will actually be better off. It may not feel like it now and that's normal.

Do know op that at the moment you’ll be having withdrawal symptoms from the absolute chaos this man brought. Missing him is probably your body yearning for his presence and slivers of niceness to reassure you that you’re “safe”. It is imperative now that you focus on working towards feeling at peace just with you and your boy. Recognise what you’re feeling for what it is, you don’t miss him you’re addicted to the highs and lows of how he and his kids make you feel. Embrace the quiet, fill your time with people who love you and treat you well and enjoy rebuilding the bond with your boy. In a year if you work hard at that, the thought of having this hobosexual anywhere near you will make you shudder. And he’s not “dumping you”, that’s him trying to make you feel that way so you claw back at him. You ended this, because it’s the best thing for you. Stay strong and focus on you and your kid x

He doesn’t get to tell you what “can’t be”. This ordering-about language is very telling.
be careful, OP. You’re doing amazingly, but you know he wants his old life back and he’ll do a lot to get it

it’s stupid how heartbroken I feel bc you never loved me that way

Wow, this is quite the blatant attempt to dismiss every single thing you've done for him and his DC. I hope it shows you how little he appreciates all your care and sacrifice over the years and even now how you're feeling bad for his DC. But no, he's writing it off completely and rewriting the past to mean you fell short and simply didn't love him in the right way. And honestly, why would anyone? What is he sharing that is so infinitely loveable? Ugh. Agree with the people saying to mute his messages for the time being because he's truly full of shit and will say anything to make you feel worse and try to get his own way. At no point will he be capable of listening to your needs or acknowledging his flaws. You have so done the right thing getting yourself free of this manipulation.

I don’t think you need now have much contact with him at all.

Kind of an aside, but your dad sounds much like mine, except mine wasn't feckless with money, and he could support himself quite well. He ended up marrying an extremely wealthy and accomplished woman and moved into her home with her 4 kids. But yes, that women as servicers and appliances is core deep and never goes away. It's a visceral attitude. If she had lost her money, he would have been gone.

In this situation, OP is there to serve the interests of him and his children and provide the housing. He's made that crystal clear.

Have read both threads
Well done ,your a very strong woman
You have successfully got yourself out of a difficult situation
It is to your credit,you will go from strength to strength now

Ok, OP, deep breaths. He is at the border between denial and bargaining.

Just a reminder:

The bargaining:

What have I done? Why can't you just explain it, then I can try to change? (this is so that you spend the rest of the day arguing about what he has or hasn't done, so by the end of the day you are exhausted, confused, and he buys time)

I can't do everything, can I? Surely you understand that? (you are the unreasonable one)

Can't you give me some time to process this?

What is it you want me to change? (putting the burden on you to define EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE so that if he, in future, does something similar, he can say that you never mentioned THAT)

What are you going to tell the kids? (meaning, YOU will have to explain to MY kids why YOU are doing this to them)
Let's ask [your child] if he wants me to leave. He won't see his siblings again, is that what you want?

If you want me to just do more around the house, spend more time with you, why don't you just say so?

What about the five years we've been together, do those years mean nothing to you?

What if I asked you to marry me? (note: he did NOT just ask you)

This is all to buy time and keep you in constant contact with him because he hasn't figured out yet how he's going to manage with three kids on his own in a tiny flat. Once he figures that out, he will stop bargaining until his next crisis (or until he meets someone else who will take on his responsibilities).

You do not need to respond to him. If you have said what you need to say now, and have what you want now, you do not need to respond to his frantic attempts to backtrack, because that's what this is.

You contact him IF you need to (admin, etc)
You are not his prop and he is not your responsibility.

He's barely giving you time to breathe, and that's part of the playbook as well. Be careful here.

He wants to 'share everything'.
What a ducking joke that is, what he wants is to benefit from everything you have and dump all his problems on you.
He thinks that his being younger compensates you for the fact that you are providing all the benefits in the relationship. But his being younger doesn't benefit you at all!

The pain of missing someone and of longing for the future that you had hoped for is a terrible pain. I think that in the acute phase all you can do is try to numb it by distracting yourself and not giving yourself time to ruminate too much. In my experience when the acute phase is over the pain reduces much more quickly and you wonder what the hell you were thinking.

Friday but it’s not happening. He knows that

I haven’t muted, just picked up a call and he wants to come round to pack and talk. Lots of tears about how I betrayed him, lied, only care about money. I said no, he can come Monday when DC at school. And now he is outside. Fuck I can hear phone ringing in his car. He ignored my request not to come over. Great.

He's also peddling a total lie. People don't go around falling in love with a family. It's a bullshit way to frame the very real challenges of blending families. You're not Maria falling for Captain von Trapp and his brood in their resplendent home.

You have a home and a child of your own. You fell for him and understood that he was a father so there were 3 DC in the mix and by god you've bent over backwards to accommodate them all at the expense of your own comfort, finances, sanity and so many other factors that have been compromised along the way. But nope, just because he's goodlooking and used to make an effort, that doesn't mean you were dutybound to be besotted with them as a package and only love him/them as a family. Course that's what he's looking for, but it's not a reasonable, mature or intelligent thing to expect of any woman - or man.

He's so myopic that he's never going to see your perspective and doesn't even want to. He just wants you to put up and shut up so he can game in peace have his DC housed by women. Well, they've already got two parents and two homes. You don't owe them anything, especially as he's offering so little in return - and in fact is having a net negative effect on your life and has been for some time. Stick to your guns and don't give into any of this chicanery.

@PithyBeaker - with respect at this stage you need to grey rock. Respond only on logistical matters.

Sending him detailed back and forth about what went wrong, his behaviour, service provider etc is a waste of time. And most likely will give him the chance to weed his way back in when you’re vulnerable.

This is pointless. It’s over. And should have been over the minute he called you a c*nt.

No man has ever called me that. Not even my awful ex.

You need to conserve your energy for the detox ahead. It will be bad but you will get through.

Engaging with him on an emotional level - your subconscious is seeking the magic words to show he does love you, can change - is feeding your addiction. A man who acts as he does can’t love properly. And 100% will never ever change.

Stay strong.

Ignore him. You’ve given a perfectly acceptable time to come and collect his belongings. Make sure you have a friend.

He is showing you his true colours and becoming angry.

He had his chance to change things all the millions of times you asked. The lier is him who sold you an amazing guy, his not.

Well quite. He ignored you because what he wants is all that matters to him. You haven't lied, you've not cared about money at all, he's a selfish lying shitbag and I'm very sorry you're having to endure him any longer.

Call a friend, neighbour, anyone nearby to support you. Call the police if you feel you need it.
Please stay safe

He also came now to try and ambush while he knows you’re most upset.

In a few days time you’ll of found your anger.

He is at your house to bargain. He is starting to get desperate. Your answer is no. He has already ignored what you said about Monday. He is ignoring you and aiming for what he wants.

You do not need speak or listen to him.
This is your home.

There’s been a very quick turnaround from, “I am young enough to find someone else, maybe you could be my bit on the side” to, “I can’t believe you’re throwing away our family life and kicking my kids out”.

I wonder if he had a back-up plan in the works, and was feeling it out? It might explain why he’s lost interest in the OP over the last 18 months. Sorry OP, but that’s a pretty rapid shift.