Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

In what way are you kicking his kids out ? They have a home with their mother and he has a flat too if I am reading correctly . They don’t need 3 homes .

I can hand on heart say I wouldn’t be able to cope with four DC living at mine part time. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone nor do I expect anyone to prove to me that they can.
I don’t care how handsome or charming someone is to me I wouldn’t view them as a catch!
You tried your hardest to make it work, YOU tried your best but it’s too much for you to cope with and his needs eclipsed yours and your son’s.
He is pissed because he thinks he is such a catch and deflecting his traits onto you like you’re only interested in money to stop any attempt of conversion of the real truth.

All of this.

Zero self awareness or accountability on his part. Change the locks.

He wants you to be a family? That's funny because when the mask fell last night, he wanted an open relationship with you on the side for casual sex until some other lucky woman could house him and kids and be a family. What he means by being a family is you housing him and kids. For that honour, you get to have his company, but the baseline version with no coffee in bed or true care, because HE will not change, that's what 'we' means - that all this is your issue.

It's so hurtful and no wonder you are reeling and feeling the pain and loss of what it once was, but the reality is he has been using you and sharing very little. I've read this whole thread thanking your lucky stars that you never bought a house with him, and in time you'll be thanking your lucky stars that you ended it now before he ground you down even more.

Moving in after 5 months - and being resentful that you didn't give up your financial independence to feather his nest even more (despite you already letting him live rent-free) says so much about his priorities which were always self-serving even if to achieve them it meant being less selfish with you. But the 'cunt' comments while together and the instant reaction of replacing you with the 'interchangeable service provider' (so true and so sadly damning) show how his mind really works. He will never, ever put you anywhere near first and he's pretty shameless about that. He will not entertain the idea, even while guilt-tripping you for kicking him and his DC out, knowing that you're so much more caring. It's disgusting that he's doing that after showing his true colours. Please stay strong.

You'll have many moments of regret and wanting him back, but he's not the one. You matter so much more, and your 40s will be so so much better, I promise.

The nice parts weren't the real man. The one that called you a cunt and cocklodger off you and is now pressuring you to let him and his kids back in, that's the real him.

Stay strong, OP, stay very strong and don't let him break you down.

And change the locks, he may have copied the key. There's no reason for him to enter your home now.

He didn't last long did he?

What a charmer

I’ve just read the whole of your first thread and now this one. Well done @PithyBeaker You’ve done the hardest part, don’t let him manipulate you in to thinking you are in the wrong. No matter how sad you feel today or how long you’ve spent together, how sad the kids are etc- you will both be better off without each other in the future. You don’t want the same things which only leads to resentment.

Also well done for putting up with some of the meanest mumsnet crap on the last thread. I hope their days are long and their knickers ride up their arses!

It's way to early tp get into messaging him.

You need some time for yourself and your child.

The fact that he is messaging you so early - it doesn't seem like he understands that your relationship is over now.

By messaging him you'll jist get sucked back.

You need to give it a few days at least.

Have some time for yourself and your child.

And so his manipulation begins. He's trying to reason and bargain with you, I think you need to prepare for him turning nasty - on that basis, I really don't think you should have his children over for your son's birthday party, it's confusing, blurring of boundaries and feels like it's more for the adults than the kids. The world won't stop spinning on its axis because some kids were no shows, you can make something up and say they all had the flu.

Men like this are what I call 'soul-diggers'. Ironically, they're quick to accuse women of being gold-diggers and fixated on finances etc, because they know women take accusations like that really personally and will twist themselves into pretzels to prove them wrong.

Soul-diggers will take you for everything you have and more. Whatever you give is not enough. When you put yourself first (for once) you are 'breaking up the family/what will I tell my kids/I want you to fight for us'.

All this is, is him panicking because he's going to have to pick up the slack - hence why his first thought was finding another woman to tolerate his bullshit. Oh, and I'll put a wager on him paying for his own cleaner now, you don't think he'll lower himself to cleaning his offsprings shitty toilet bowls.

But if he wants to start making changes, he can surely start now, start fresh. From the comfort of his own flat. He can start showing he cares and wants to spend time with you and wants to do things with you. But he’s not interested in that is he? He’s interested in you AND the house. And he is actually quite stupid taking you for granted. He had it all set up but he showed his true colours because you can’t keep up a front for a long time. He didn’t listen before when you told him you wanted things to change. Why didn’t he start making changes then? Because he thought he didn’t have to and you will just roll over and take it. Why is he wanting to start making changes now? Because he lost the house, that’s why. Honestly, good riddance. And calling you a cunt…that’s the biggest deal breaker of all. People who respect you don’t call you names. All you need to worry about is yourself and your son now. Well done to you.

Virtual hand-hold, hug and a cuppa from me OP, stay strong 💪

Remind yourself that of course he prefers the version of your relationship where he benefits and you are essentially a doormat. Now that you are strengthening, his weakness is going to make him defensive, desperate and manipulative. And none of these behaviours stem from love, just control. There's no version of a relationship with this man where you can have inner peace and fulfillment and without these traits your life will just cycle in chronic stress and resentment. Take one day at a time and relish the self-worth that you are modelling for your son and most importantly for yourself. In admiration to you.

I bet he'll ask you to marry him next.

or it will be messages about how his kids are devastated and he can't understand why you don't care about them.

it's emotional manipulation. he'll say whatever he thinks will work. but one consistent thing is that he'll only mention you negatively - that you should have told him, or you don't care about his kids, or that you're making him unhappy, or that you don't want the family life he dreams of. remember this. because none of his messages will be about what you want or what's best for you or your son. they will all be about him and his kids.

I've never posted on mumsnet before but following your bravery last few days I wanted to say well done from the bottom of my heart.
I ended things with someone I was crazy about a couple of months ago and like you was forced into doing it even though I didn't want to but for my own self respect. It has been hard but I can see it clearly for what it was now and so will you. You have made the break and will look back and be so proud of yourself.
Talk and talk to family and friends, exercise if you can and look after yourself xx

My guess is that he will drop the 50/50 arrangement with his ex before long as he now has to parent his own children from a one bed flat and doesn’t have a woman subsidising his lifestyle. He might well meet someone - there are a lot of people who would fall for his sob story but the older his kids get, the less of an inviting prospect he would be, which is why I think he will drop some of the time he spends with them.
His level of entitlement is off the scale though. He thinks the OP should have gone in with him on buying a house FIVE MONTHS into their relationship. And he acquires three children without having the finances to house them properly. Get lost.

Stay strong OP and remember the times he called you a cunt. Those are his real feelings for you.

You do really need to consider his last message with care, it really doesn’t seem to say much other than his kids need a home when not with their own mother and you need to provide that home.

I do also think that as he has 50/50 as you say he really should stop giving his ex so much of his income and rent a larger place for him and his DC instead of expecting others to do that for him.

I'll also say in some cases where women have decided to have a DP back it's seen by the DP as a weakness, that reality is you need them and can't cope without them. In turn the DP'er behaviour becomes worse as they feel you've shown them you can't live without them and so their ways continues.

I think you do need this time alone, a few weeks to see how you feel and how life is in a non chaotic household, you may find it gives you the peace you need.

His actions in those coming weeks, not his words will show you all you need to know.

Ok the dig about me not being a good mum for moving my DC in with him after five months: true, but not what I need to hear right now. He just said “it’s stupid how heartbroken I feel bc you never loved me that way” (that way being as a family)

He just said “it’s stupid how heartbroken I feel bc you never loved me that way” (that way being as a family)

Translation: I am irritated that you no longer accept being treated as a doormat, what about me and my needs?

Five months is fast to move in together anyway, but with 3 kids in tow! Just no. I can see now he love bombed you OP. Of course he fancied you etc, but I bet your bottom dollar he went in hard with the romantic promises, as he and his kids needed a bigger house! What a twat he is. Pls don’t cave OP, you are doing brilliantly. I can guarantee your ex will be shacked up with some other poor woman before Xmas. Also calling you a c* constantly in arguments is disgusting

How would he feel if you sent him a list of necessary changes?

1. You take responsibility for your childrens mess. Either clean it yourself or take responsibility for making sure they clean it. Not in a weeks time. The day it is made.
2. When you cook, you clean behind yourself and don't leave chaos for me in the kitchen.
3. We do more together out of the house.
4. We spend time together in the home. Not you gaming and me having early nights alone.
5. Basic hygiene standards are maintained (e.g. the toilet thing). Hands washed.
6. You stop complaining / making my child feel in the way when this is a) their only home and b) I own the house.

He just said “it’s stupid how heartbroken I feel bc you never loved me that way” (that way being as a family)

I think as pps have said you need to mute him.

He's trying the pity party & to get you to attend!

Because it’s not what he’s looking for?

He seems to have missed the memo about relationships being about two people.

More coffee, more friends, more sunshine for you, @PithyBeaker - keep doing the small things that are always good between the waves of big feelings.

Or, Translation: As a woman, I expected you to look after my children, because that’s what women do. I wanted to see less of your son, though.

This! And the poor woman had to hire a cleaner to clean up after these feral kids wrecked her home each time they stayed, as dear daddy couldnt control them! Not on