Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

🤣🤣🤣

He is 8 years younger. His kids are not very young, all KS2 or very early secondary.

Good morning,

I came back to see where you are up to (well done, by the way, I think you have absolutely made the right decision and already sound like you feel lighter and as if you have clarity, even if the grief for what might have been is real).

I am thinking feeling almost exactly the same thing : "He’s not manipulating intentionally... is lost and scared and needs to learn to stand on his own... which he has never really had to do... He’s not a monster... He needs therapy and to become someone independent... Feel sad for the man I thought I was falling in love with".

I am standing by my deadline for mine to leave this month, but it is so tiring feeling that is a line I have to hold (as opposed to him, as a reasonable human being, saying "I appreciate that you have really helped me out, and I understand that you need your space back. I will keep you updated on my search and be out from under your feet ASAP").

I feel genuine care and concern for him, I didn't get together with him because I thought "look at this loser, I'd love for him to drain me emotionally and demonstrate his entirely myopic emotional immaturity while gaming from my living room". However, as I said in my last post (and as I screamed at him in a very undignified manner this weekend), I am at the end of my rope being the only functioning, responsible adult in this situation. It is not fair and it is not what I signed up for. Also, the emotional, practical and financial support only feels rarely, fleetingly, if ever, (respectively) reciprocal. I don't believe it is deliberate, but it does not make it my problem to fix.

Off to make myself a very hot, very sweet cup of tea.

OP and @ToughAsTagliatelle you're both doing great. So much better than I did when, with one of these men, I slept on the sofa for a couple of months anxiously waiting for him to find somewhere else to live (having spent months getting him to agree to this), while he enjoyed the double bed in my only bedroom, although he would be up half the night playing noisy battle games!

This was years back, before MN, so all I had was friends telling me to put his stuff in bin liners and dump it outside and change the locks. Did I? No. 🤡

You’ve misunderstood my comment.

OP’s (ex) partner was trying to guilt trip her by saying she was all about the finances (at the expense of the relationship). If she really was financially obsessed she wouldn’t want him to leave as she’ll be worse off without his contribution.

Sorry both ❤️ good luck to you @ToughAsTagliatelle

Not a monster, just messed up.

This describes so many men, my ex-husband included.

We can feel sorry for them, and wish them well, but so often women end up putting more effort into fixing them than they are prepared to put in themselves. And that doesn't work.

You’re doing the right thing. What is the plan if he doesn’t leave by the deadline?

Oh that’s not good. You’ve definitely done the right thing by asking him to move out xx

@PithyBeaker apologies for hijacking, I shall keep this short.
@nomas Throw him out...

I am not as heartless as that sounds. I am feeling all sorts of guilt over "abandoning" him and kicking him when he's down, but I have no more care left in me.

He will have had 6 weeks between "I want you to move out" and the deadline. I have specified a date and told him (verbally and by text) that I want my keys back.

I mention "when you move out" at least every other day. I have sent him links to rentals, I have suggested that he speak to THE HOUSING OFFICER at his employer (not in the UK). I have written it on the whiteboard where he keeps a task list. I have offered my help to look for this rental, and I have put a meeting in his calendar to discuss the situation, clearly labelled "update on apartment search". In fact, I might make this last one weekly.

If through all of that he still manages to do nothing, it will have been an active choice and I expect he will have to ring around his friends/colleagues, get an AirBnb, or sleep in his car. None of those outcomes give me any pleasure, but neither do they oblige me to keep him.

I think you are amazing @PithyBeaker and have so been rooting for you over the last few days. I wish you that quiet, calm house, lots of quality time with your DS and the opportunity to give him the best possible chances in the years that lie ahead.

I wanted to add something about your ex partner’s needs and AuDHD. He has suggested that you needed to accept or allow for this I think?

I think it would have been different if you had married young so were growing and changing together. You could develop ways of living that would allow for both your needs. You would discuss ways of living that would suit you best (which probably would not have included four children!). You begin as innocent young people and arrive at adult maturity together, seeing your loved spouse and partner in the round, neither wholly good nor wholly bad. Two plants growing together and supporting each other.

But in a second relationship you have had no opportunity to grow together and crucially have no obligation to do so. In adulthood, forming a relationship is a pure choice. There is no equalities duty for relationships. You are quite literally allowed to discriminate if you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone! He was expecting you to mould against all his awkward points and difficulties (including AuDHD), but giving you no allowances in return. That can’t work, because ultimately you will no longer cleave together.

You gave it plenty of time to work and have made the right decision.

He is currently making every promise to change up to and including getting rid of the PS, doing all laundry, cleaning etc, making sure his kids respect me and the house, going for walks, planning date nights, etc etc etc etc. acknowledges he’s been an asshole, was in a rut, turning into his Dad, been overbearing last few days etc. It all sounds wonderful but it’s just words. He could have done it before but didn’t. And I don’t want to live together all in one house again. I’m so tired. And I’m supposed to be working.

I made this point to him earlier about adult love not being unconditional. It’s an important point. Thank you 🙏

Hi, OP, glad to see you are managing.

He doesn't have to be a monster to treat you appallingly, and being lost and scared does not preclude him manipulating you intentionally. It may be his only modus operandi right now. In fact, the more lost and scared he becomes, the more he may start to lean on and fall back into old, nasty habits. And he HAS treated you terribly.

I'm glad your days are manageable, because daytime is when you work, meet friends, get things done! I would suggest that you allow yourself to feel as awful as you need to in the nighttime (preferably without too much alcoholic self-medication) so that all the awful things you remember having to put up with begin to sink in, to a subconscious level, so that you won't have to reach very far next time for ways to protect yourself.

I have a feeling that one of two things may happen in the next few weeks:

He will become "comfortable " with his new arrangement and "decide" that now that things are calmer for you, you will consider other options such as dating again ( he will tell you he's done a lot of thinking and working on himself). He may even offer (shock) apologies for some things he has said or done.

or

He will meet someone else and you will rarely ever hear from him again.

Living on his own in a small flat with three children and no time for his gaming is not what he wanted, so it is likely that he will broach these subjects again.

I think once you have a few weeks to yourself, however, you will be able to see through any manipulation techniques fairly easily! In your posts, I see how you are starting to really understand what your relationship has been like. You may reach genuine acceptance pretty quickly, but don't push yourself too fast. Feeling the pain is the only way to get through it in a way that makes it likely that you won't find yourself in this position again.

I hope your week goes well.

If he really wants to change, why does he have to do that in your house? Many people in relationships who have their own children live separately, and this is what you offered him. He has a good income, he could get a bigger place and work on having a satisfying relationship without cohabiting, with the potential to do that in future when circumstances are different if you want to.

You are absolutely within your rights to block him if you need OP, don't let him bombard you when you need space (and to work!) My ex was like this when I tried to end things on multiple occasions and in the end I'd cave as it was just easier, none of his promises ever came to anything though. Don't let him wear you down.

Op, you're an inspiration to us all. Hold firm. He'll never keep all these new promises. He'll slide back into old patterns of behaviour. You're so young and successful and he's only dragging you down. You have your shit together, he doesn't, and he never will while you're allowing him to live with you. The fact that he isn't willing to consider a proper relationship unless you are supporting him, says everything. If he was begging you for a second chance (with living together off the cards), that would be one thing, but all his second chance begging is contingent on his housing/financial needs being met.
You will feel so much better in a few months. Try not to let him weasel his way back in in weak moments. All my love and best wishes x

You are being very strong. For some men this entitlement starts young. One of my daughter’s friends is like that - she was getting drinks for a number of people including him. He went into the pantry with her to have a nose about but left her to carry everything for everyone. Gave me the perfect opportunity to impress on her that some will value only their comfort, even when it’s with someone they supposedly deeply care about. So it is intentional. Or built in - or both. Or he would stopped already.

One of the saddest things about a failed relationship is that it might work if one/both parties were to change in certain ways, but their only chance of actually doing so is by leaving the relationship, because the dynamics get set in stone. It's a real Catch-22.

If he genuinely wanted to make it work he needed to prove himself from his flat with his actions.

He's had years to do that. He knew you weren't happy. His response was to stop doing things you liked, like bringing you your coffee. Now that he's out of the house, he's showing you he knew what you wanted and chose not to do things like cleaning up and having his kids show some respect among everything else. He's known all along. He didn't do those things because he thought there was no way you would kick him out. That's some serious disrespect. He did less and less knowing you were unhappy.

He's in a pattern of chaos. He recreates that growing up environment wherever he is and whoever he's with. He's also got some narcissistic traits. He's not going to change at this point. He doesn't deal with the chaos because it's what he knows. But he realizes his life is better when there's a woman there to deal with it. That's why he's desperate to get back in and he's spent little time single.

THIS all this. He doesn’t have to do all this living under YOUR roof. If he’s that serious and committed then he can do it in his own space. Instinct tells me that won’t happen as he’s had lots of change but hasn’t, only for the worst by the sounds of it

Thanks. He is definitely bombarding. Lots of messages and turned up unexpectedly this morning with breakfast (I sat w him - outside, not in house - for ten minutes and then sent him off as I had to work). I am holding very firm on him not moving back in, don’t worry.

I worship at the altar of your wisdom @outerspacepotato. Seriously, not being flippant. This is all so true and so exactly him. Of course he knew what I hated and how unhappy I was bc he is able now so easily to say what he would need to change to have made it right back then. Do you know him? I’m unnerved at your accuracy. Honestly.

As I said a while back, I suspect he is hoping he can change your mind before Friday so he doesn't have to face telling his kids. Hence all the 'I really get it now, here's what I'll do, now let's just go back to living together'. Good that you are holding the line. He is really pushing on just showing up without asking or warning you, though.

Yeah I know. It really pissed me off and I told him not to do it again.