Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

extraterrestrial tuber made me laugh.

op you are doing brilliantly. you sound smart and like you have a good head on your shoulders. you don't need me to tell you you're gonna be fine because you already know that.

you don't owe anyone here anything. some people get carried away and forget that real life isn't like daytime telly. it's nice to hear that you are moving on a step with every day but don't feel like you have to post if you don't want to. nobody knows yourself better than you.

He brings chaos which can be fun but not sustainable in a partnership and you will miss the intenseness of this BUT calm will always win, it is safe, familiar and comfortable and also fun.
He will manipulate not because of any other reason but choice.
OP you also have choice don't ever forget that, it's so sad when a relationship breaks down but the erosion of self is never worth the price.
Stay strong, choose when you reply etc and keep in the front of all of this ... what is the cost.

Thats genuinely hilarious. He has nothing but he should get everything you have because if he had stuff, he would share it with you, so you need to marry him, let him get his hands on your house, look after his kids and provide for everyone.

Has already said if the company he works for was bought out and he made loads

He must have quite a stake in it then!

Feels like such a weird flex too; unless he actually owns the company, it’s not something that’s in his control. It’s like saying you’d regret it if I win the lottery. Although it seems to be quite in character that his plans for financial success are dependent on something out of his control happening

Hope youre feeling okay today OP. It’s amazing that you’re starting Monday with a completely different life than you had on Friday. I hope amongst the exhaustion and upset, you feel really proud of yourself too - we all do

He creates his own chaos, I doubt he’s self aware enough to realise he self sabotages his life to recreate his chaotic childhood. He is a victim of his own making who blames other people for his own failings.
He's had four years to save but chose to give it away to his EX and god knows what he’s done with the rest. He could have rented his flat to free up money to save.
He wanted to get a mortgage with @PithyBeaker after being in a relationship with her for 5months which was too risky for her and anyone else with sense.
Had he been on the mortgage he would have sabotaged the relationship and the roof over their heads and Pithy wouldn’t have been able to separate so easily. It would’ve been a nightmare to sell a house with him being so vehemently against them splitting up and selling.
He is desperate to find someone with a saviour complex but no one is capable of saving him from himself!
I hope this helps and gives you clarity Pithy that he is his own worst enemy and nothing you could have done differently would have of changed the outcome of your relationship. It really wasn’t you it was him.

I’ve followed your thread without commenting till now and just wanted to say well done for making these decisions. It’s not easy when it’s not all bad and there are other children to consider.

Just one thing that occurred to me regarding his financial accusations towards you (he accused you of “being all about the finances”), surely you’ll be the one who’s worse off now he’s moved out. If he was paying the household bills then you’ll have to cover these extra expenses?

Difficult decision.

Right decision.

Well done!

Well spoken!

I agree.

It’s sad it ended reading your posts OP as it sounds as though in the early days things were good but he then just disengaged with you in the weeks when he didn’t have his children.
4 children was always going to be hard especially if one parent is lax about teaching them to tidy up.
your son will miss them initially but in secondary school he will have homework and need the house to be quiet to study.
It sounds as though once the initial passion had calmed down you and him had very little in common

If he was paying the household bills then you’ll have to cover these extra expenses?

He was paying for his children's food and his share of the rest of the bills, I think.

OP won't have to pay for a cleaner now that the DC aren't there, so it evens out.

I think this is natural, and I’m a bit like this also sometimes. Life with young kids and jobs feels so chaotic, sometimes all I want to do in the evening is sit and watch tv with my dinner on my lap 😩 But you do have to make effort or your relationship will fail.

OP I agree, you’re not a moron, he isn’t a monster. He dropped the ball and stopped making any effort, he took you for granted, he probably did resent you and he wasn’t a good partner. Also just not a good fit for you and your son. How he is behaving now is awful though.

I tried to put myself in his shoes - if I was thinking about having to go back to a 1.5 bed flat with three neurodiverse children on my own, work a full time job, and do EVERYTHING on my own - the bills, cooking, cleaning, all pick ups and drop offs etc I’d probably be majorly panicking and wanting to get myself back in a ‘family’ set up in a house. With another adult around and to help with the bills etc. Because that does sound really overwhelming!

But it’s not the OPs problem, and he is casting around for anything that might change her mind. But I don’t think the ‘let’s have casual sex as I’m going to be with other people if you make me move out’ messages are at all forgivable. It’s ALL about him.

Sorry OP. I think you’ve been amazing also to be so decisive and just get it done. I certainly have always found it very hard to end long term relationships

No new couch urgently needed, his is the fold out in the office… I will get a new fold out couch eventually but I would say that is priority number 537 at the moment 😅

Yes live streaming this has been … interesting. Can practically hear the popcorn munching. But It’s fine. I have been lucky and received some incomparably excellent advice here.

He’s not manipulating intentionally I believe. Just is lost and scared and needs to learn to stand on his own without a woman under his roof taking care of him, which he has never really had to do for any sustained period of time. He’s not a monster but we have run our course, sadly. He needs therapy and to become someone capable of being independent. It would make him a much better and happier partner and father so I hope that happens. Feel sad for the very wonderful man I thought I was falling in love with five years ago and miss him a lot but I do feel like this is the right thing.

No, very small. Less than one percent. But that would be sizeable enough in a large buy out. Besides the point. I’m not willing to gamble and anyway I’m not after more assets. I just don’t want to be taken advantage of and he has got too comfortable and treated me abominably.

How many years younger than you is he?
His children aren't really young are they?

Well done for knowing your mind.
You are being such a good for model for your son. He needs to know what a healthy, happy relationship is ( and isn't) .

Thank you, I do feel proud of myself. It has been the most insane two days. Have survived. Each morning feels a little easier. Nights are hardest.

The comment last night from the extraterrestrial tuber @outerspacepotato was my Road to Damascus moment, honestly. He is his own worst enemy, bless him, and had a rotten start to overcome, made worse by a terrible marriage, but he could take a stand to correct course and hasn’t and it is his own fault for not fixing it. I have set all this out btw to him in a message and he agrees it’s probably true. Up to him now what he does with that info but it’s not for me to fix and he’s not moving back in, have made that very clear.

Yep, sure will. I think I’ll save on groceries though as I’m sure I was subsidising feeding his kids even though we had some kind of split in place.

I think this too. It seems like an absolute panic response. He’s been used to having five years with you in a (mostly) calm house, with another adult to help sort the bills, practicalities, adult company in the evening, sharing the cooking etc and having a cleaner. The thought of losing this comfortable existence and going to a small flat with three challenging children would panic anyone. And I’m not even neurodiverse, and I would find the thought of that absolutely overwhelming.

I doubt he even thought about the house at the beginning with the OP, he wanted to sell his flat and put his money in also. He’s not without assets/decent salary. I think though the idea of leaving this existence now having had it for five years is very tough for him

Thank you. It was very difficult to ask him not to bring them to the party. I hope he respects it and doesn’t turn up anyway. That will piss me off so much and I would never forgive him but I don’t think he will.

We have some stuff in common (outdoorsy, cerebral, nerdy, foodie) but also very different. His outdoor interests need to be adrenaline-heavy; I like high-adrenaline stuff but am also just as happy going for a walk or sitting in the garden. He is very online and doesn’t read books; I am very offline (apart from this thread, lol) and read a lot. We almost made it work and I dare say if we didn’t have previous kids or had kids together we would have made it work. But this situation was too hard and doomed to fail. Feel very sad. I do miss the good stuff, a lot.

I will still pay my cleaner. I love her. 😍