Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

@PithyBeaker You are doing great.

To other posters, its not supportive to slag off the OP’s partner, she will feel that she has to defend him. When I split from my ex, I really struggled with all the supportive people pointing out his bad points, and I felt I had to defend him. I am sure the OP’s ex had some great points, but now she is moving forward.

What he would do if ... if ... doesn't matter.

What matters is that you wanted what really is important - time with him - and he never wanted to give that.

Nothing of monetary value replaces that. He had something he really could have shared, and didn't.

@PithyBeaker

Just curious, was the idea of him selling his flat and putting the money towards your house so you could jointly own it ever bought up by either of you?

If he really wanted you to both share everything and be equal partners this would have made sense.

Yes. I covered this ages ago. He offered to sell his flat and buy the house w me at the beginning of our relationship. We’d been together five months and I was selling my house to move near him and didn’t need his money to buy a new house so I thought I should be cautious and not buy together. We did discuss selling both places and buying somewhere bigger together about 18 months ago but the house we wanted went off market and that plan fizzled out.

But does he really give her extra money…..????? It wouldn’t surprise me if he is buying a larger property in the coming months.

This is true and thank you. I appreciate it. I’m not a moron and he’s not a monster and I wouldn’t have been w him for five years if he was. He is very young and genuinely very AuDHD and had a troubled upbringing, a tumultuous (young) marriage and is in a very “online” career so has a different attitude to tech and gaming and phone online-ness than I do. That all combines to make him clearly not compatible w me but also not a monster. I do not believe he is trying to steal my assets. Just he is selfish and thoughtless. Just. 🙄

Good. I genuinely hope for him that he does.

💐

I missed this great comment. Adult love is not meant to be unconditional. 🎯

Missed so many great earlier comments today. Sorry. It’s been manic. He has demanded to come back in to get stuff out of attic, dismantle stuff, etc. I have said I’ll just pay for movers.

No phone but has a smart watch. Great suggestion, thank you. Deleting now.

Good for you!
You really show such humanity.

As you say, he isn't a monster.

To calm down the mental chaos try to exercise every day and have some time in the fresh air every day, if you’re not exercising outside.

This will help by releasing the tension; you’re under a lot of stress.

It's been less than a week since you started your thread and you've managed to get him out and a couple loads of his stuff too.

You're very clear on your goal of living peacefully with your son and you see his goal is just to move back in with you making ng life easy for her and his kids and that that doesn't work for you and your son. And that's with him strongly pressuring you.

I think you've accomplished a lot in a very short time and that you're seeing things pretty clearly. He brings chaos into your life and expects you to fulfill those needs of his by raising his kids in your home while continuously discounting your son's place. If his upbringing was chaotic, it sounds like he's recreated that and is looking for a woman to rescue him from the chaos he's created and that's not really going to be achievable.

You've set boundaries with him and enforced them. You've done the hard part. Now it's time to take care of you. Eat something nourishing and enjoy it.

You, my dear extraterrestrial tuber, are so right on the nose with this I can’t tell you. “If his upbringing was chaotic, it sounds like he's recreated that and is looking for a woman to rescue him from the chaos he's created”. YES. Omg this is exactly it. I actually really feel for him as he got married so young and it was a mistake and he came from an huge family and unthinkingly replicated a model he now so vehemently and wholeheartedly rejects. And he wants a woman to sort it out, make it ok and less chaotic, like his poor mum tried to. Jesus. This is exactly it. You’re a genius.

He has demanded to come back in to get stuff out of attic, dismantle stuff, etc. I have said I’ll just pay for movers.

Isn't it late where you are?

He doesn't get to make demands for access to your home, especially at unreasonable hours and keep you up dismantling furniture and likely pressure you about staying. This is him causing more chaos in your home.

Mover plan is good.

Oh crikey, no, I don’t mean he is demanding to come over now! I just mean he wants to come over to pack his stuff this week and I said I’ll get a van so I can pick a single time.

"extraterrestrial tuber" 😂😂

The moving van is the no fuss, no muss way.

You're being brilliant and it's a shame it came to this but you had no option. His background, young marriage and issues means he cannot sustain a genuine relationship, even though you gave him and his kids that. He sabotaged that and kindly, needs therapy.

You're right to help him move things along, as it suits you to get his things out. Good idea to book a mover. It creates needed distance rather than an excuse to drag things out which is worse for all concerned. It's easier than you lugging things about. The movers can deal with this and any issues will need to be taken up with them rather than yourself.

Two of the three smartest decisions you ever made. The third was telling him to leave.

You're doing great. I'm kind of a 'get him and his shit the hell out all at one time and then never see him again' person. But your way is different and that's just fine! Whatever works for you is what you should do. And I'm glad you rescinded the invite to your son's bday party. I have a feeling that things would have NOT gone well. I can't see him passing up an opportunity to have his DC say how much they miss you and DC, how sad their dad is, etc etc.

Have you started picking out your new couch yet?

He only wants the kind of relationship where “we live together and share everything”

So what's the arsehole bringing to the table to "share"?

Apart from his feral kids and huge sense of entitlement?

I don't think I have ever read this many posts on a thread before. I just wanted to comment and tell you I am in awe of you. How incredibly strong and smart you are. I can imagine how difficult this must be and maybe, given your past trauma, there will be times over the coming days or weeks when your resolve may wobble.

So just in case that does happen, I wanted to share something that came out from one of my therapy sessions, which has really helped me.

If your DC grows up and is in this relationship and is subjected to this abuse (& make no mistake, what you have been / are experiencing is a form of abuse) what advice would you give him? How would you help him to stay strong? To remind him that he deserves to be treated with love and respect and care every damn day. To be an equal in a relationship. How would you help him to find absolute joy and happiness in life without it stemming from another individual? Because as a parent, I think I would be heartbroken if my child was unhappy and allowing someone to continue treating them this way.

You clearly care so deeply for people around you - even people that over time no longer are worthy of that from you. Now it's your turn. Channel that energy into yourself - you deserve that more than anything. How lucky your son is to have you. And how lucky that you have made this choice so early in his and your life - so that he gets to see his mum now blossom and love her life.

Change is hard. And I understand that you will grieve what once was, or what might have been. But on one of your responses, you said you missed him. Do you think maybe you miss what he was, or what you had hoped could have been? Because I can't imagine anyone truly misses being called a cunt, being made to feel the way you have been feeling or being so ignored and disrespected.

You are incredible and I hope that in time we will get a life update and hear just how wonderful your life is and how happy you and your son are xx

The post of @outerspacepotato was spot on about your Ex’s chaotic past, present and future that explains exactly why you were emotionally depleted and you lost yourself with him. He is looking for someone to rescue him from his own choices, to step in take over his responsibilities and buy a house with him. He’s looking someone to rescue him from himself which isn’t possible.

I hope he will learn and grow from this and not immediately start seeking another wife appliance. For his and his kids' sake.

But especially for the new partner's sake. Because she is unlikely to have OP's resolute clarity and determination, and could well find herself dragged down into years of miserable servitude to a financially feckless (or worse) man who doesn't see her as an autonomous human, takes her completely for granted, and calls her cunt when she speaks up.

Men like this can do so much damage to a woman - at the end, there is nothing left of her, the guy has consumed EVERYTHING she had and he leaves her a broken crushed depleted husk. And men like this - the charming, good looking, apparently financially established but fundamentally parasitical men - they go through a lot of women in their lifetime. So they are responsible for a disproportionately huge load of suffering for womankind.