Page 30 | Continuing an AIBU …

PithyBeaker · 2026-04-10T18:22:28+00:00

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

amibeingaknob · 12/04/2026 19:51

Yeh I think that considering you are holding firm - literally holding the door open for him - and he is booking the van, I think you are doing very well indeed. You sound incredibly strong. Good on you!

Original poster

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 20:05

DaisyChain505 · 12/04/2026 14:40

He is never going to hold his hands up and admit that he’s taken advantage of you, not appreciated you or put the effort into this relationship.

You could really to his messages and go back and fourth until you’re blue in the face but yo Will never in this life time or the next get the validation and closure you’re looking for.

Either because he genuinely doesn’t believe he’s done wrong or because he’s too cowardly to admit it.

You know yourself what he’s done and how he’s behaved, you don’t need his confirmation of it to know it’s true.

Show quote history

This is not actually true. He has admitted not doing enough, begged me to forgive him, what can he do to get us back to where we were, etc etc but end goal must be moving back in. Won’t budge on this. Wants a traditional marriage style set up for raising kids. Giving this a generous view, he was raised in an EXTREMELY dysfunctional traditional set up and, though he now rejects the way he was raised, seems to still think living together a prerequisite. I’ve said there’s no negotiating on that for me so there is nowhere for us to go.

OP posts:

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 12/04/2026 20:06

OP is really impressive. Can I remind the skeptics that she first posted SIX days ago and FOUR days later she told him to leave?

Honestly, because it's SO difficult and SO painful to end relationships, especially with abusive ones who manage to get centred in your head (I know this all too well), I expected her to backtrack on her decision and disappear and take up her thread a few months or years later for round 2. And I wouldn't have blamed her one bit.

Yes, we adore resolute women who draw the line and stick to it, but not many are like that because breaking relationships is very hard to do.

OP, you hold that door and do whatever else you need to do. You rock! Seriously.

Cycleaway · 12/04/2026 20:06

taking his things there at your own convenience rather than having him randomly turn up your house to pick up things up as and when he feels like it doesn’t feel like dancing to his tune to me OP

You aren’t answerable to any of us on here, and giving someone advice on a forum doesn’t mean you get a free pass to comment on their every move - it looks a bit like kicking someone while they’re down actually

Original poster

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 20:10

YankeeDad · 12/04/2026 13:18

Since you asked for advice:

(1) First, allow yourself to be aware that his behaviour is manipulative wankery of the highest order, he is trying to manipulate your feelings in order to control your behaviour, and every time he does it gives further evidence that you are much better off with him out of your life;

(2) Second, allow yourself to also be aware that if you are 40 and have one child getting towards secondary school age, and are solvent, and do not want another child, then although you are probably totally sick of men at the moment, if that ever changes you will be in high demand among men at a similar life phase, and you will have a lot options in that department;

(3) Finally in terms of your own behaviour: I fully agree with what others said: for any message he sends, unless that specific message is about something that YOU want (such as getting his belongings out of your home), just ignore it. It may also be worth turning off notifications and only looking at his messages at a specific moment each day or each couple days that is convenient for you.

He may try lots of different “angles” and be persistent for a while, but if you don’t reward his shitty behaviour with any response, hopefully he will tire of it. And even if he persists - if you use that sort of strict filter to decide which messages merit a response, and commit to yourself to stick to it, then he will take up a lot less of your headspace, which is the real goal here. You cannot control his behaviour but you can control how much of your attention you choose to give.

Just read this lovely comment @YankeeDad thank you. Have muted 👍

OP posts:

Original poster

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 20:12

Cycleaway · 12/04/2026 20:06

taking his things there at your own convenience rather than having him randomly turn up your house to pick up things up as and when he feels like it doesn’t feel like dancing to his tune to me OP

You aren’t answerable to any of us on here, and giving someone advice on a forum doesn’t mean you get a free pass to comment on their every move - it looks a bit like kicking someone while they’re down actually

Yes exactly! Way more convenient for me to nip over w stuff when suits me.

OP posts:

Original poster

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 20:13

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 12/04/2026 20:06

OP is really impressive. Can I remind the skeptics that she first posted SIX days ago and FOUR days later she told him to leave?

Honestly, because it's SO difficult and SO painful to end relationships, especially with abusive ones who manage to get centred in your head (I know this all too well), I expected her to backtrack on her decision and disappear and take up her thread a few months or years later for round 2. And I wouldn't have blamed her one bit.

Yes, we adore resolute women who draw the line and stick to it, but not many are like that because breaking relationships is very hard to do.

OP, you hold that door and do whatever else you need to do. You rock! Seriously.

Thank you @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta 💕

OP posts:

bitterbuddhist · 12/04/2026 20:14

Keep on, keeping on, OP. Sending you all the jedi hugs and support as needed!
Next week this time, you'll be laughing.

SpryCat · 12/04/2026 20:18

I think you are being very strong @PithyBeaker I’m so proud of you. You are handling everything in your own way and not resorting to pettiness. Xx

thestudio · 12/04/2026 20:19

Beachtastic · 11/04/2026 14:16

Oh OP 💐

I have been with men like this. I was married to one for a couple of decades. Then I got involved with another for a few years, and then another. Eventually I realised that wolves kept dressing very convincingly in sheep's clothing and that whatever it was I needed to learn, I was spectacularly failing to learn. So I took myself off into the wilderness and lived alone for many years, in complete isolation. I became very happy, and never wanted another man in my life to throw a spanner in the works.

And yet, life has a way of surprising us. Here I am, happily married. To someone I don't have to worry about boundaries with, because he looks out for me better than I do for myself. I never need to ask him for help, because he anticipates what I might need from one moment to the next. He does all the cooking and DIY. He is constantly finding interesting, fun things for us to do together - walks, cycle rides, films to watch, places to go. He makes me laugh all the time. He has never so much as raised his voice or shown any irritation towards me. It took me years to get used to this. For the first few years together, I used to ask him why he never got angry with me. He would say "What would I get angry with YOU about? You're the most amazing woman in the world."

I met him in my 50s, by the way, and he is many years younger than me. So your ex is not the only one "young enough to find someone else who ticks all the boxes" (the cheeky fucker!!!) 🫣🤣

I know you feel you're in love with someone who was "good" at some point, but everything you have written about him demonstrates beyond any doubt that this is NOT a good man. (Calling you a cunt?!? All the cruel, manipulative things he has said to you over the past 24 hours?!?? WTAF...)

Ohhh, I remember those romantic feelings of anguish and relief as the old volatile relationships swung this way and that, with me gripping on for dear life. That's not love, as I eventually found out. Real love is worth the wait (and if you're anything like me, it might actually shock you to realise it's something you've never actually experienced before; you just misinterpreted a familiar feeling of struggling to meet someone else's needs, and being occasionally rewarded).

Please remember that you are not in your right mind at the moment. Being in a relationship with someone like him completely distorts the way you see things, placing HIM at the centre of your world, so that anything leaning only fractionally away from that feels as though it shatters the gravitational harmony of the entire galaxy.

Congratulations on taking your first careful, hesitant but firm steps towards a better life. It will take a while for you to understand just how wonderful you're being right now, because some things will only become clear to you in retrospect. But one day, you will look back on all this and be profoundly grateful to yourself for doing this now. 🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞

For now, please understand that your mind will be playing tricks on you. You are clearly one clever cookie, so just being aware of this should help you to outsmart it. Some of those tricks are siren calls that feel irresistible, e.g. "Oh, but it was so lovely once!" No, believe me, it really wasn't.

Edited

What a fantastic post.

Apart from being like some incredible feminist self-written fairytale, I think it absolutely describes the psychological impacts of being with a Bad Man, which are effectively like taking a magic potion which makes you weak.

The only thing I would add, OP and @Beachtastic , is the structural element - we live in a patriarchal world which is designed to back up/make sense of whatever is being said in the houses of Bad Men. You're primed to believe his shit and take the blame, to wonder what it is you're doing wrong, from birth.

We all should look around us at the wonderful, strong, clever women who are, at the crapper end of the scale, being crushed by mean little men.

But we should look just as closely at the 'so universal it's invisible' end of the scale. All those strong, clever women who are crushed by having sole responsibility for doing all the shitwork such that they can't shine in other ways.

And we should look at all those middle class liberal men who seemed like feminists before they had kids but who now make it impossible for those women to shine, by subtly (or not subtly) triggering all the 'what a woman should be' shit that women have had since they were born. Those guys (pretty much all guys in my experience) are fine with doing that. Their lives depend on it, in fact.

But it's an ideology and we don't have to live like this.

Gymnopedie · 12/04/2026 20:23

This is not actually true. He has admitted not doing enough, begged me to forgive him, what can he do to get us back to where we were, etc etc

Words, words, words, words,
Words, words, words,
Words, words, words, words,
Words, words, words

To be recited in the manner of Private S. Baldrick:

The German Guns
Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom,
Boom, Boom, Boom,
Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom,
Boom, Boom, Boom

Original poster

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 20:29

Rachelshair · 12/04/2026 13:54

Be ready for his ex to stick her oar in OP. Her meal ticket may have come to an end and it will be your fault (in their deluded reality).
Also he may well escalate to suicide threats, so be ready for that. My ex pretended he was "going to the highlands and did not know if he'd be coming back" and went out of contact for a week, he'd actually been staying with a friend the entire time, his poor mum was frantic.
I wouldn't have your ex within a million miles of your son either, could you alter the birthday plans so he and his kids are nowhere near you? He will quite likely try to wreck it.
If you have a male relative or friend nearby, have them on standby in case he turns up or won't leave etc.

Nah she will be delighted to gloat I think.

OP posts:

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 12/04/2026 20:38

DH has at times reflected a similar energy- though he totally pulls his weight.
He seemed to think that having ‘won the girl’, it was all done. It took him a really long time to understand that relationship took continuous work, rather than being as ‘achievement unlocked’ kind of thing.

You gave him many opportunities to do things differently. He didn’t choose to. Either he can’t, or he chose not to.

Doubledenim305 · 12/04/2026 20:49

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 20:05

This is not actually true. He has admitted not doing enough, begged me to forgive him, what can he do to get us back to where we were, etc etc but end goal must be moving back in. Won’t budge on this. Wants a traditional marriage style set up for raising kids. Giving this a generous view, he was raised in an EXTREMELY dysfunctional traditional set up and, though he now rejects the way he was raised, seems to still think living together a prerequisite. I’ve said there’s no negotiating on that for me so there is nowhere for us to go.

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"marriage style set up"😂😂 where the woman looks after all the kids and does all the housework whilst working full time and bringing in lots of money. Yes I bet he does. Definitely looking to pam off all kid work onto said female, whilst he works his job and comes home to nice meal and can relax the rest of the evening & weekend. Ahhhhhh bliss.
Marriage style set up. Ooooo u have dodged a bullet.

PotatoLove · 12/04/2026 21:00

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 19:41

Sorry, not clear. Holding fast to him? Or to my guns? Bc it’s the latter.

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Holding fast to your decision, sorry for the confusion 😕

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 12/04/2026 21:05

You're doing fine @PithyBeaker
and you're still running on adrenaline at the moment.

It's been a shattering week for you.

Legolaslady · 12/04/2026 21:06

Why did the relationship be had with the mother of his children end?

If I get fucked I'd be tempted to suggest you will move in with him when HE buys a 5 bedroomed house.... That you can share of course

RawBloomers · 12/04/2026 21:09

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 20:05

This is not actually true. He has admitted not doing enough, begged me to forgive him, what can he do to get us back to where we were, etc etc but end goal must be moving back in. Won’t budge on this. Wants a traditional marriage style set up for raising kids. Giving this a generous view, he was raised in an EXTREMELY dysfunctional traditional set up and, though he now rejects the way he was raised, seems to still think living together a prerequisite. I’ve said there’s no negotiating on that for me so there is nowhere for us to go.

Show quote history

From what you’ve said about him, OP, I suspect a large part of what he means by “marriage style” is that he doesn’t have to try. It’s done. He’s got you so now he can concentrate on the other things he wants and stop thinking about what makes him attractive to you.

I note amoung other things that hiis “marriage style” does not appear to stretch to him getting his act together financially and contributing to a joint future that doesn’t just rely on your capacity to provide. What’s yours is his and what’s his is he’s already allocated to what he likes.

Original poster

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 21:27

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 12/04/2026 21:05

You're doing fine @PithyBeaker
and you're still running on adrenaline at the moment.

It's been a shattering week for you.

So much. My cheeks are flushed and haven’t had a square meal since… I don’t actually remember. Thursday evening at my friend’s house I think.

OP posts:

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 12/04/2026 21:29

Can you order a takeaway to be delivered to your house?

zeroclucksgiven · 12/04/2026 21:35

Yes@PithyBeaker, please make sure you eat and sleep…. That fecker doesn’t get to make you sick on top of everything else!
You’re a grown up (as you have proven!) so basics first please, your son needs you healthy xx💐

Original poster

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 21:35

Legolaslady · 12/04/2026 21:06

Why did the relationship be had with the mother of his children end?

If I get fucked I'd be tempted to suggest you will move in with him when HE buys a 5 bedroomed house.... That you can share of course

Edited

He doesn’t care about that. Makes a big song and dance about how he would (hypothetically) share everything he had w me. Has already said if the company he works for was bought out and he made loads he would have shared all w me. Which I believe is true but which may not be but frankly is irrelevant because the problem is it would be irresponsible to gamble my son’s future on that.

OP posts:

Liveshives · 12/04/2026 21:37

OP, just to tell you from a personal prospective.
So many young adults are remaining at home into their 20's post university, especially if they live in good locations.
The reality is that can be very trying to have so many adults living altogether.

It really isn't for the faint hearted.
10 years from now they could be still living with him, expecting you to be laundry and food coordinator.

Not easy at all, even when you birthed them!
If they don't wish to leave, how exactly do you move them on, particularly if they haven't well earning careers to fund it.

I really cannot imagine doing it for children raised poorly that weren't mine.

No man is that attractive.
I think you have dodged the most enormous bullet.

Original poster

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 21:38

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 12/04/2026 21:29

Can you order a takeaway to be delivered to your house?

No there’s plenty of food in the fridge and I am eating, just haven’t had time to cook a proper meal, is what I mean. Have had bowls of cereal, bananas, slapped a bit of ham between bread on the go, etc. I’m not about to drop down for want of calories, I promise.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 12/04/2026 21:45

I’m glad shifting his stuff out is working for you.

You have boundaries and he is fuming that you are enforcing them but that is on him.