Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

unconditional love - bloody hell i'm embarrassed for him he sounds like an overwrought teenager.

i love my husband but that's absolutely conditional on several things including being faithful and being a decent partner.

@PithyBeaker Just a small but important point, the only love that is unconditional is parent to child love.

adult love is absolutely conditional on all manner of things, and love can be lost as in your case by his actions and omissions within your relationship.

I would start packing for him (because he will clearly drag that out). If he wants to arrange to come and collect it I would ask your sister (BIL?) to be there and keep things moving.

Start taking control over your own home back. He’s not willing to let this go quietly and he has plenty he needs sorting.
Don’t be surprised if he keeps wanting to keep coming to pick up mail, so you need a plan for that.

Well done OP. I’ve been where you are now and yes it was hard at first when I ended the relationship but OMG the RELIEF when I realised I could close the front door of my lovely home and it was just me and the children inside.

Not having to put up with his baggage anymore - and there was a lot of it - was intoxicating.

Im baffled at "earns 6 figures, had a large house before with the ex" but could only afford a one bedroom flat on that relationship ending, and hasn't been able to save anything from the benefit of only paying towards a 1 bedroom flat whilst living in a 4 bedroom house. I know its not about the money, but he's completely been freeloading off you.

OP if you haven't already, please uninvite him/the kids from your sons birthday next week. He's proving to you he can't be civil and likely wont give a shit about ruining your sons day in an attempt to manipulate you.

He's also moving into harassment territory with the messages and turning up unannounced. If you can, I'd send a message saying the time to fix things has long since passed, the relationship is over and he should not contact you unless it is to confirm the date he'll retrieve his remaining things.

I'd set up mail redirection. It's £45 for three months. You'll get that back in the cost of the cleaner you were paying to mop up after his kids. Then he has no excuse to pester you about it.

Mail redirection? Nah. Just shove it all back in the post box marked up "MOVED AWAY". He can sort out his own redirection admin.

Don't forget to change your passwords for all your online stuff including subscriptions like Netflix etc.

Haven’t caught up on comments. Back standing holding the door at his flat staircase while he carries stuff out of my car.

At least that's more stuff going ...

Oh that is good news things are moving.

Why? Seriously, why? He can pay for a removal team. Stop following his orders!

If she wants to watch him go, that’s up to her

Yes he should have hired a “man with a van” and just dealt with the move himself.

i suspect op is trying to be cooperative and civil with him to encourage him to get the fuck out so that she can then close the door on him permanently.

If it make him take his stuff and move - and OP thinks she can remain strong (sounds like she is if she has driven is stuff and his helping him move out) then its all good. Strong I think.

As long as he doesnt use it as an opportunity to wear her down.

He’s taking stuff 2 days later, I’d say that’s good going.

Yeh its quick. Well done OP!!!! You're my hero.

Just said I lack empathy and maybe AI could explain it to me.

I have a funny feeling someone has said this to HIM once, and he's kept it up his sleeve to use again.

You’d think he would have a friend who could hold the door for him.

Considering he isn’t exactly falling over himself to prove he can be the man you need. Wants to split but have casual sex. But you’re money hungry and so on.

This.

I went to my grannies funeral just to make sure she was dead sort of thing.

Sorry OP, not trying to derail but I just HAVE to thank @YankeeDad- “manipulative wankery of the first order “…. I may have to get this embroidered on a tea towel!
I’ll definitely be saying it on repeat in my head when dealing with STBXH and the bollocks he spouts at me 😉

Why are you doing this?

Does he not drive or have his own car?

You are not responsible for taking his stuff to his flat.

This is just another example of you bending over backwards for this man.

He is more than capable of packing his own shit and taking it to his flat.

He’s flailing around to see if anything works, veering between playing nice and lashing out. I wouldn’t be surprised if he thought that his initial negging and flounce would be enough to have you wailing for him not to go, but instead he now has to commit to actually moving out.

Undermining you didn’t work, sweet talking and offering you the world (when he’s already demonstrated that he has no intention of ever stepping up for you) hasn’t worked, and so now he’s throwing himself and his children a pity party, as if not wanting to continue shouldering his dumpster fire is somehow a moral failing on your part.

Because he wanted to come round to get his stuff and I didn’t want him to and it was easier to do it myself.

Did he just accept it and crack on with moving things - or did he use it as an opportunity to pressure you?

Has he got much more to take? Did he take a lot tonight?