Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

Ah, nothing is working so he's becoming nastier.

If you lacked empathy Op you clearly wouldn't have put up with him at all for so long.

The 1 bed flat. But not for long.

Someone really needs to write a BBC comedy on The Script.

Has he completely forgotten the conversation where you told him you wouldn't marry him?

He's so totally focused on himself, he's not thinking about you at all.

He is unwittingly speeding up your journey down the breaking the ties road...

A PP nailed it. These aren’t messages of love and reconciliation but designed to manipulate you. Every response from you will feed his expectation of you caving in. Every time you explain to him, all he sees is an opportunity to get back to how things were.

He has never shared financial info with you so why on earth do you believe a word he says on any of it? He’s successfully running his 3 kids and himself on £12K a year. Wow! No wonder he’s panicking - his income is drying up! He will promise and/or threaten anything to get back to status quo.

What doesn't he understand, is he not capable of seeing this is all on him?

How manipulative to say you need to love him "unconditionally"...wow...just wow.

He doesn't need to earn more money...
Unless his ex is asking for extra.

He just needs to come and collect his belongings...maybe he needs reminding that that is all your asking from him now.

For you it was never about money, it was partly about not spending time with you, which costs him nothing, and he couldn't even spare you something as easy, as cheap and as simple as that.

He really is turning this fully round on you.
What sort of a man person would do that other than a controlling one that's trying to make you wonder if it is actually you in the wrong here.

It's definitely you and he's getting more desperate by the hour.

The only thing to admire about him is he is throwing everything at this and the kitchen sink to try and get you to relent.

It's clear he is not used to being told "NO!"

This.

He's panicking now, messaging constantly and trying every side of you to get back in. He's having a hissy fit because you've stood up for yourself, he can no longer walk over you no matter what he says and now has to adult for a change. But that's his issue now instead of yours. He's old enough, has his own property and the kids have a second home with their mother. He also has a well paid job. They're hardly out on the streets. He just doesn't want to because he's lazy and selfish. He's unlikely to meet somebody else willing to do the same and he may know this.

What a shame he didn't think and couldn't be bothered to make this much effort when you so kindly put him and his kids up for years, isn't it? You didn't want much in return, and not all if many would have tolerated that. At least not for years. You told him this again and again while he was selfish and ignored you while using you all the way around. Because you cared and wanted to work things out, but it was a one-way street that got too much in the end and you were left with no other option. He just thought you'd continue to put up with it as it's gone on for years. There were so many opportunities. All he had to do was sit down and have a proper conversation where things were sorted and contribute a bit.

YOU ARE TOO GOOD TO BE TREATED LIKE PART OF THE FURNITURE.

It's very hard at the moment. When the initial upset is over, you will get used to a calmer life and hopefully find your anger. He brought nothing to the table except misery and hard work. How dare somebody treat a kind lady like that and push your son out. It was all so unnecessary and now it's too late, but easier to blame you rather than face the consequences of his own actions. He underestimated you and you deserve better.

I agree about them not coming to the party to cause further upset and manipulation. It's not fair on your son. Good idea to sort the admin and bag their stuff up now giving an ultimatum to collect, a month maximum or it'll be dumped outside. No further discussions or answering messages. It'll help keeping you busy, get rid of reminders of them and after that you can block once and for all.

Somebody really, really does. Where the wife/partner works out what it is, and then completely ruins his life.
As in destroys each and every plan he has, has her own in place, and wins the day.

Stop the back and forth with him, OP. Get some garbage bags (or storage boxes), a pair of marigolds, pack up all of the stuff. Get it to a storage facility (as directed above) or a man with a van, advise him of same and then block him.

He's not going to admit that he's done wrong (just hide behind his autism, the CF). If he wants to vent, he can do it in a journal. Or chat GPT or whomever.

De-lurking. When you return his stuff beware him accusing you of losing any of it/ keeping it back and him demanding entry to your home to search for it.

What a knobbead. Tell him if he loved you unconditionally he would have been happy to have a relationship with you that wasn’t contingent on you providing him with a house for him and children.

I think you already said this to him though. He just isn’t listening, is he?

But it’s a good thing he didn’t agree to have a non-cohabiting relationship, as there was a chance he would have wormed his way back in. Possibly there would have been a ‘plumbing disaster’ which meant he and his brood would have had to move in with you as an emergency.

Yes.

It's manipulative and unfair. He's sitting there trying everything whilst in victim mode as it's all about him, trying to gain sympathy and a way in. A genuine person would have bothered to sort things out. He could have moved out whilst agreeing to work on things. He wanted it all his own way but the OP is no longer accommodating this.

lol why is he suggesting AI? I asked AI how you should respond to his last message and it suggested this

These men are utterly predictable. A genuine person would have listened to OP long ago and tried to make amends, and in the case that they got to the point of moving out, would now be doing everything she asked him to, in order to show that he was putting her first and trying to repair. But these manipulative types just can’t bring themselves to put anyone else first, can they?

I think you always see the true colours of a man when you tell them no. Well done OP. You will be fine xx

Yes they would. He is showing beyond any doubt he doesn't really care about the OP and never did. It's always after the event and years they are shocked it's happened, when there were so many missed opportunities.

Thank you. My first thought was 'He's gambling,' but I didn't realise that gaming could also drain your finances. That makes a great deal of sense.

Yes agree with this. Engaging with him gives him the idea that he can continue to manipulate you.

In my case, I did the same as @Happyhettie suggested and agreed that I was 'half the person I was when I met him' so clearly wasn't good enough for him anymore. Listening to him try to work his way round that was hilarious. By this time, thanks to Mumsnet, I knew the sort of behaviour I was on the receiving end of. Its quite enlightening to actually be one step ahead of them as it really is a Script.

You're doing so well @PithyBeaker

This is so good,lol.

I thought of gambling, too.

It doesn't seem possible that he has so little disposable income.

So true

What a plonker. "Unconditional love" doesn't exist in healthy adult relationships. Of course love is conditional, for instance on you not treating me like a doormat / free AirBnB host with benefits. Bloody idiot.

Won't it be lovely to have all his crap cleared from your house? Gotta love a heavy-duty bin bag.

My cocklodging ex did this, telling me how awful I was, and that I didn't deserve him/done him wrong. In the end, I just agreed with him, and told him it was a jolly good thing that he was now free to find someone better, and that I was irredeemably awful and unloveable, so there was no point him contacting me all the time. It did the trick, there's not much he could say in response; and I was sick of having to go over and over all his shitty behaviours and justifying my feelings again and again. I didn't care if he badmouthed me as I didn't intend to stay in touch with him or any of his friends and family, and I was happy in the knowledge that I had bent over backwards to please him for 13 years.

I was once 40, vibrant pretty, but I look in the mirror and don't even recognise the tired old hag looking back at me at 65. I'm not in the same enviable position as you, young with a house and job but if I was and knew what I knew now, I'd be gone like a shot. You have been amazingly strong, taught your dc about respect for yourself and others and are gaining a peace only someone who has been through that kind of relationship decline can know. Very best wishes of happiness going forward. Only other thing I need to say is... ....cats are amazing 😆