Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

He is never going to hold his hands up and admit that he’s taken advantage of you, not appreciated you or put the effort into this relationship.

You could really to his messages and go back and fourth until you’re blue in the face but yo Will never in this life time or the next get the validation and closure you’re looking for.

Either because he genuinely doesn’t believe he’s done wrong or because he’s too cowardly to admit it.

You know yourself what he’s done and how he’s behaved, you don’t need his confirmation of it to know it’s true.

Stay strong OP, have been through much of what you’re experiencing (more than once, I never learned) & didn’t have the support you have here. The ‘I know the engagements off but you must let me take you out for dinner & a shag’, or the ‘let’s sit down & talk about us’ nothing to talk about there were 3 of us in the relationship unbeknownst to me so I left etc etc.
the next few weeks & months will be hard for you but I think you’ve done the right thing for you & your son.
he’ll be using his kids to try guilt tripping you to take them back I would predict, & trying to corner you to talk at your sons birthday party so be prepared xx
sending you strength 💐

Make it clear that the relationship is over, that he doesn’t get to tell you how to spend your time and that you don’t want to fix things. It is over. His reply is very « me, me, me » as he has been for the last few months. Having a disability is not some sort of trump card you can wave to force someone to stay with you when they have had enough.

I know you're feeling you're not there yet BUT.......

I have the same thing with esDH. That I turned my back on him, I'm not acting like a 'loving wife', he loves me to the ends of the earth, he has changed, etc. And it was (still is at times) impossible NOT to defend or explain myself. But I'm trying to do what I've advised so many others to do: Don't JADE (Justify, Argue/Apologize, Defend, or Explain). It's not easy when you've spent decades doing just that, but I'm getting there!

What I'm finding is that no matter what I say, what truths I tell, he is still able to either twist and turn my words back to make me look 'guilty' or use it try to guilt me so I come back. And that we go round and round saying the same things over and over and over. And all it does is end up with me in pain and him feeling 'justified' AND give him 'ammo' for further attacks or emotional manipulation. So I'm learning that there are times that silence truly is golden and that not defending myself from him is defending myself from pain. So I'm trying now to simply say "That's your opinion. It's not how I see things" and to not reply to those kind of messages. I don't need to justify my reasons for leaving, he knows the truth. It's just that the truth means accepting my decision. And I don't need to respond to his promises to change, because they mean nothing.

Same with your XP. He knows what he did and didn't do. He knows why you told him to leave. He knows. He just doesn't care about it. All he cares about is that he's now going to have to take responsibility for his life and children and (gasp!) spend money from now on maintaining that. And speaking of money, something tells me he's sitting on a tidy sum. I'm pretty sure all the money he hasn't been spending on living expenses is now sitting in a bank somewhere.

ETA I agree with PPs. He needs to use a removal 'man with a van' to get ALL the rest of his stuff out at one time, without any help from you. Give him a deadline for before his DC are due and have someone with you when he comes to 'supervise' the removal. Not because you may be in any 'danger', simply to keep him from trying to manipulate or guilt you.

He's so used to using your labour he tried to suck you into solving his issue of what to tell his kids.

That should have zero to do with you. But he's so used to using you that he tried to make his issue yours to solve.

You aren't there to not responding to him yet because you think there's some magic words that will make him see your point of view and have an aha moment. There aren't. There is really no room in his head for you. You're way, way down the priority list and he's just trying all the ways to get you back into the FOG.

Fear, I'm going to find another woman

Obligation, what about my kids, I'm wasting money (on necessary furniture), now I can't pay my ex because I'm broke

Guilt, your son doesn't want me to leave, what do I tell my kids, you should prioritize me over going out, I have autism, you should share everything you have

Intermittent reinforcement is the strongest reinforcer. If you respond occasionally to his messages, that encourages him to send more.

It is entirely possible to be both autistic and a prick. He is both.

He is trying to control you and manipulate you into giving him what he wants and accusing you of punishing him because he is autistic while trying to emotionally blackmail you about HIS children. He only cares about himself and every message he sends you proves that. Including his comment about your son not wanting him to leave, he seems to have forgotten he wanted your son to leave your house more often.

Your response was very measured. You have this sussed. Don't show him how much he has hurt you, continue to prioritise your new life with your son and grey rock the manipulation.

Kick boxing is highly therapeutic BTW 🌺

Now saying he wishes he could afford to marry me and that he is desperately trying to think of ways to earn more money to be with me but also now he knows I don’t Iove him unconditionally so it wouldn’t work. Guess I need to prove how much I love him by letting him move back in. Not.

@AcrossthePond55 I'd bet against your "pretty sure he has money in the bank" with "fairly confident he has spaffed most of it on PUBG"

Yes, why would he want to marry someone so materialistic and uncaring? 🥱

He already earns a very decent wage.
But he’s still subsidising his ex’s life.
So he wants to earn more money to marry you?
It has never been about the money, it’s about his behaviour.
You don’t love him unconditionally. You love your DC unconditionally.
The person he loves is himself so he doesn’t get the concept.
You are the grown up in the room OP. He’s sitting like a teenager bombarding you.
You said what you said but I think he sees a slight in, in that you didn’t say end the relationship.
You need to be very clear that it is now ended.
This man has no emotional intelligence and needs to be told no - the relationship is now over.

If he earns a six figure salary what on earth is he doing with his money?

Well quite. If you loved him, you would. 😉

There's him ignoring your boundaries again and trying to guilt you. You told him you weren't going to marry him if I remember correctly. No care for your son there.

What a previous poster said about him rocking on up with his kids to guilt trip sounds very likely.

Now saying he wishes he could afford to marry me and that he is desperately trying to think of ways to earn more money to be with me but also now he knows I don’t Iove him unconditionally so it wouldn’t work. Guess I need to prove how much I love him by letting him move back in. Not.

Nothing is ever his fault is it?

Hopefully all this pathetic whining is really helping you to stay strong Op.

This is a great reply.

There was a thread on here last year which was so similar but not DC involved. The man involved found a flat to rent nearby.
He had only been there a few hours and he knocked on the OP’s door and said he didn’t know how to use the washing machine.
OP here needs to ensure the children do not enter her home again and they are no longer invited to the party.

He's still trying to make out that this is all about the money and ignoring your points about him not prioritising you.

No right-minded adult loves their partner 'unconditionally' - everything depends on 'conditions'...particularly partnerships.
Such drivel.

I really think you need to stop responding to him. Any communication is attention and engagement - and that’s what he wants. He may even be enjoying the drama, and the challenge of winning you back. If you’re sure it’s over there is no point in justifying yourself or reasoning with him. It’s just giving him an opportunity to wear you down. To him this could just be a lover’s tiff / pretty serious one, but one where he anticipates you apologizing for not recognising him as the great god he is and making further accommodations to win him back. He is autistic- he won’t change, but he fully expects you to.

Completely ignoring the fact you don't want to marry him. Your feelings mean nothing to him.

I know you aren't there yet to stop responding to him but if it helps, reply to him and don't send it. Delete and Repeat every time he messages. Or write your response on paper and burn it. 🔥

Amen. Imagine how much time and effort he is now spending just trying to come up with newer and better excuses. He is getting desperate. All you have to do is change your mind and all his problems become your problems again.

This is your life, not his. Don't feed the beast.

I think silence from you, or responding once per day or once per week (IF it's necessary for YOU) might be something you need to consider.

The back and forth of word salad from him.🙄

His stream of bullshit consciousness as he oscillates from one line to another desperately trying to get a hook.

So fxxking predictable.

Agree with @outerspacepotato what he tells his children is nothing whatsoever do with you.
Offer no further suggestions.

The more you don't respond the quicker you will speed through his various efforts to drag you back into a dialogue.

He desperately wants to engage with you, far easier to grind you down.

If you refuse to play ball you will see his true self emerge quicker.

He doesn't want to be arsed spending 50/50 with his children and being solely responsible for them, and that IS the rocket fuel for all his efforts now.

He will become increasingly desperate to backpedal.

Marriage?
What a nightmare situation you would be in now if that happened.

He could be entitled to half your assets and would be very difficult to get out of your house.

Despite everything you have so much to be thankful for, mostly that you got him out so easily.

Don't underestimate his desire to get back in as the week goes on.

I agree with the suggestion of having everything delivered to a storage unit if he tries to drag things out.

Stay strong.
You are doing great.

And his love wasn't unconditional either - it relied on OP doing the donkey work, and even now is conditional on 'sharing everything'! What a hypocrite.

He is very quickly pivoting to bargaining again. He's just throwing everything at you to see what sticks. Once he finds something, he'll keep doing it.

Exactly!