Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

hoping that he will say something that hooks you back in, even if the hook is that you feel compelled to correct him.

That's why it's time to stop engaging. It's all about him getting back in.

And dead on about the drama triangle. He was the one that dumped you if you wouldn't share your home with him any more.

He's probably spending his m0ney on PubG.

Its like gambling they can buy boxes for cash.

A real drain on cash.

Another who has been where you are now, OP. From bitter experience, I absolutely agree with those saying ignore, ignore, ignore. I think the man with a van or the lock up for his and his children's stuff is also a good idea. Honestly, the you in a few month's time will thank yourself that you ignored all the messages apart from the ones about returning his stuff.

And yes, nastiness from him is to come.

Best wishes, OP x

I honestly wouldn’t bother getting into any kind of discussion with him. He has no interest in hearing or understanding your feelings. It just gives him leverage to keep trying to manipulate you. Google “DARVO” - this is a classic example!

Also google “grey rock technique”. This is the best approach to communicating with him in the short term until he has collected his belongings: unemotional, disengaged, minimal.

Once he’s got his stuff just block him completely and don’t engage further, it’s the best way to get him to give up and move on. Just beware that he may delay collecting the furniture as an excuse to keep engaging with you so you may need to be very firm and put some deadlines in place.

At the OP. Get some duct tape, pack up his stuff and send it on to his flat (or put it outside of your property, w/e). Advise him of a time to pick it up and if not, it will go to skip.

Autism isn't a get out of card for arseholery , as much as people tend to hide behind that excuse.

And tha I shouldn’t have gone out w friends last night but should have prioritised talking to him and fixing things.

But you don't want to fix things!

That last paragraph is just dynamite!

Just to add, if there is any stalking/harassment, do not hesitate to call the police.

Very good point! He's only got room in his head for what HE wants.

Be prepared for something like
“of course you are important I thought our relationship had moved on to normal domestic contentment. I assumed we didn’t have to be in honeymoon mode with each other all the time and could happily exist doing our own thing. I didn’t know how important walks were to you YOU SHOULD have told me more”

or some other message where you should have done more, could be anything as long as it’s you doing more that will do

Don’t argue back to him. Any communication from you, however negative, opens the gate. Just don’t do it.

He sounds absolutely disgusting. How dare he try and use your son to manipulate you.

You and your child are going to be so happy now 😀

Absolutely this
Text a final
"Its over"
Then dont respond or block

If necessary change his name to " you called me a c*nt" in your phone but once he has his stuff just block

Hes trying to drag you back in

Any advice gratefully received.

The only advice I can give you is his messages are still all about him and his needs.

You didn't want the relationship to end you just asked for some consideration in how your home is treated by his DC and for your DP to consider spending some time with you, not expensive holiday's or meals out......just a walk, maybe stopping for coffee or a pub drink, but no he couldn't even afford you that...not even a 'left over crumb' of his time.

You asked him to give you space...

His answer to you is to not do as asked, or understand how you feel or even acknowledge that his DC should respect your home but to just tell you if you can't accept him and all that goes with him in their own ways he's ending the relationship but it's all on you, all your own doing...

He's really showing that he isn't capable of comprising, your feelings don't even matter to him, to him there's no other way but his own.

With his wage he can rent a house big enough for his own DC, after all as a parent that's his job to fulfil and not for him to pass on to you while keeping his ex well funded and happy.

Excellent points in here, especially

The reasons why no longer matter.

OP, the reasons why will still matter to you, but you could spend the rest of your life trying to get him to see them and it would never happen.

he's got a neck like a jockey's arse, hasn't he?

nagging you about going out because he thinks you should have been talking to him to sort things out. but there isn't anything to sort out, the relationship is done yet he's rewriting it to suit himself. making out like you are having a hissy fit and this is just some blip where he just needs to talk you round.

the entitlement is coming out thick and fast now because you've told him no, he can't get what he wants and now he's tantrumming because he doesn't like it. grey rock him.

sooner he can get his stuff the better, then you can block him.

Also, I'm thinking, a final unambiguous text from you saying 'it's over' would help if, worst case, you do have to contact the police. They will check that you were clear about your intention.

But in the meantime

Let the phone ping and read what he has to say when you feel like it

He might also start using all the children as pawns

OP I think you had to send that message just to get it off your chest, because your grasp of the situation has changed so much lately that it's kind of a way of keeping him up to speed.

One of the hardest things when a relationship breaks down is recognising that there is nothing else to be said or done. In fact, "least said, soonest mended" becomes truer than ever because each party is acting with a completely different agenda, so they hear what they want to hear.

Your message was very clear. But be prepared for him to start arguing with
I wish I was that important to you but you’ve made it pretty obvious I’m not
...and take whatever he says with a pinch of salt. The actions of the past couple of years speak louder than any words, and anyone can talk a good game with a gun held to their head.

(I know I don't need to tell you that... just mentioning it anyway.)

In a not dissimilar situation some years ago, with two feral children where my friends sister had been trying to end it for several months.

Eventually it took her siblings and their husbands to gather everything and delivered it to his parents home while the children were with their mother and he was at a stag.

Her home had become the default house for his children to stay with it every other weekdnd and when he kicked off about her having friends to stay when the children would be due to stay on one of his weekends.

HER home she realised that she paid for was no longer hers.
They cleared the place in two hours and delivered it.

His parents it turned out didn't want his ill bred children staying every weekend and had given him notice of this around the time they started seeing each other a year earlier.
They had met through work.

She sent him a message it was over and his stuff was now at his furious parents house.
It gave her great clarity to hear his parents sympathise with her about the childrens awful behaviour.
He had tried to imply it was just when with her.

He was furious with her for ruining his weekend away!

Anyway it was back and forth for several days, him going from begging to nasty, until he told her " it isn't over until I say it is over".

She was advised to log it with the police.
He couldn't believe she had done that as the police called to his parents very MC neighbourhood and told him to not contact her again.

He got the message only then.
That was several years ago and she refused to entertain men with children going forward.
Too many are just looking for a woman to do the inevitable donkey work involved in caring on their time.

He caught you for 5 years, almost completely rent free on a 6 figure salary?

Spending 1k on the housing and feeding of his 3 children a month?

Wouldn't we all love to do it so cheaply?
These guys are usually extremely mean when it comes to money.

Money was his core focus if you look at all his texts, not you.

You were nothing but generous and kind.
Remember that....for 5 years!

Just wanted to reiterate, as tempting as it may be to fire back a response, please don't, you are simply adding more fuel to his fire.

Time to prioritise a man with a van - get everything out of your house within the next few days. Text him 24hrs notice, add that you will not be communicating further (grey rock is very important here). Tough if it is not convenient with work etc, he will have to call in sick. Then BLOCK him on every platform.

He is getting desperate so his manipulation will only increase. I have a feeling that at some point he may turn up, with or without his children. Under no circumstances should you let him/them in. Calmly ask him to leave otherwise you will call the police.

Most importantly in all of this, hold your head up high, you have done nothing wrong.

The fact that he could think about your needs at an earlier point - like when he was bringing you a morning coffee - shows that his failures aren't a product of the autism. At one point he was willing to do it, and then he wasn't. So he is, now, using his autism as an excuse for what was actually a choice he made.

I completely understand why you responded to him.

Now that you have, do you feel able to choose only to look at his messages once a day, and not view them in real time?

The trouble is that he'll be delighted you've engaged with him, and he'll carry on sending them.

Nothing will be achieved by discussing this any further, but I appreciate that it's very difficult not to reply to him.

“Yes, I am clearly a terrible person so I’m sure you’re pleased you’re shot of me. Byyyyeeeee.” Would be my response to his whiny messages.

God he sounds so annoying. He was given every chance to change but didn’t. I still can’t get over that he earned a 6 figure salary and didn’t pay any rent and wasn’t able to buy anything other than a 1 bed flat.

Yes, do this with his stuff. Great idea. Stops him coming back to the house to whine at you or try to manipulate your son. A month of storage costs is worth it - there are often 'first month half price' offers, and also you often get a free single van load of stuff taken to the unit as part of the deal so that'll help with the moving.

Mute him OP. It is softer than blocking but you won't keep seeing the messages ping in.