Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

I was just thinking that.

Hopefully OP will soon realise that interacting with him in any way is not in her best interests, other than arranging the removal of his stuff.

Telling him anything about herself or her plans only gives him opportunities like this to try to engage her in interaction. And to keep her focused on him.

^Meet me in the middle, says the unjust man.
You take a step towards him, he takes a step back. Meet me in the middle, says the unjust man.^

I agree with a pp to check the screed of messages at set time each day. There are still things you need to communicate about (getting rid of his stuff etc) but checking every time there is a notification means you are constantly being pulled into the orbit of his drama. Which you do not need and is not your problem any more. I found the phrase "not my circus, not my monkeys" helpful as a way to remind myself of this.

Also. When you have been in a relationship like this, it is easy to gradually slip into a pattern of second guessing what your partner will think - what will they say? Will they be upset? Why did they react like that? And so on. That serves them well because you are focusing on how to meet their needs, not whether something works for you.

So he came round yesterday afternoon when you said no.

And he wanted to come around later yesterday night even though you'd said no earlier in the day?

Is that right? If he turns up again unwanted, he's firmly into the category of harassment and you need to tell him (preferably in writing) this very clearly and very bluntly because that's crossing the line into legal relevance.

He isn't taking no for an answer.

I echo what others say about potential for him to get nasty quickly. Be prepared. Know what you need to do just in case.

He keeps going back to money etc. it’s clear he’s pissed that his meal ticket has been ripped from him and that he now had to pull his finger out and financially support himself and his kids.

The face he’s claimed poverty when he earns a very good salary and wasn’t even paying you rent screams that he’s either completely shit with money or he’s been lying and squirrelling it away and he has quite the stash built up.

Either way he’s used you for his own gains and he’s pissed it’s come to an end more than he’s hurt he’s lost you as a person.

You need to practise grey rock.

-No it's not convenient.
-Why not?
-Because it's not convenient.

I agree with PP that it will be far more straightforward for you to get a man with a van to pack up and take his shit to him, than having him come round to collect. Otherwise, he'll be full of excuses like he left a priceless heirloom at yours so needs to come round again, or worse, he'll come with kids in tow.

Keep any communication limited only to moving things forward, "I need your things removed by x date" "You need to reroute your post by x date as I won't be keeping anything that arrives beyond this"

He doesn't need to know your whereabouts, continue to grey rock, "That doesn't work for me, I won't be answering the door"

Waiting for him to turn nasty and say that you went on a night out to look for other men etc.

I think he started out with the whole, we are over then, we can be friends with benefits and what ever other shite he came out with, because he probably thought that would scare you into backing down.
He now knows that actually, after hearing those sorts of things from him, you didn't sit at home wallowing in self pity all night by yourself, messaging him begging him to come back. You dusted yourself off, plastered on a smile and went out with friends.
Thats thrown him off as he didn't think that would be your response to his lovely offer of FWB. Now he doesn't know how to react or what to say as his tactic of trying to scare you into letting him back out of fear of loosing him entirely didn't work.

If he’s whatsapping you, mute him. Then you won’t get notifications. If he’s texting block him for 24 hours. It’ll give you space to breathe. Keep your defences high, these are the final death throes of an increasingly desperate cocklodger.

i have responded as clearly as I can. Sorry to everyone telling me to ignore but it’s not there yet.

“You are either lying to yourself unwittingly (not sure how as I think I’ve been really clear) or intentionally trying to rewrite history. You are the one who spent all his time coding or playing PubG. You wouldn’t even go for a walk w me unless I begged. You haven’t prioritised me for months. I have said it before. You have ignored it and done nothing to fix it. I am walking away from a relationship that is conditional on me providing a home for you and your children. I am not walking away from a relationship where I am the most important thing to you. Sadly. I wish I was that important to you but you’ve made it pretty obvious I’m not.“

At least he wasn’t stalking/tracking you then, however stop telling him things.

can I come round?
No I said Monday.
Why?
Because I said so/that’s when it’s convenient for me.

Ignore his emotional messages. Or plain respond.

I asked for changes, you didn’t, now I need my space back, you’ve ended the relationship please stop messaging me.

“I gave you everything. Please don’t ever tell me you loved me again”
He’s making it very easy to not tell him that - what an utter twonk!
He keeps saying that for you it’s all about the money, which is utter bollocks, because he earns more than you and certainly didn’t share his money equally.

He’s showing his true colours now and he’s not sad, he’s angry that you’ve dared to get him to leave. Remember, he could have fixed this at any time. He could have acknowledged your feelings and offered to live apart while you worked on your relationship, but what you got was that it’s his way or no way - there’s nothing there about sharing (although he keeps saying it), or anything about your needs.

As PP have said, arrange a van to pick his stuff up and drop it off. I’d send him a final
message saying - your stuff will be with you on x date, your kids are no longer invited to the birthday party and I won’t be responding to any future messages and then block him.

This from @Liveshives :

Please get his stuff out of yours asap, evdn pay for a van, but get it out.
I suspect he will try to drag this out this week, not collect the beds, and will try and bring those prepped penitent children to your house, as soon as he can.

Again, this is familiar. Mine lost weight and paraded round saying he’d been really suffering. When it became apparent that it wasn’t working, he became angry and spiteful. Yours will use all the kids as weapons to manipulate you and then to hurt you.

I would suggest booking the van, telling him it will drop stuff off at his place next Saturday (or whenever) and that if he isn’t in to receive it, the instructions are for the driver to drop the stuff off at your local tip or charity shop. Book the tip so ex knows you’re serious.

And prepare for him to up the stakes as he gets more desperate. Don’t give in. Remember that poster who told her story of repeatedly giving in- her kids are now NC with her and she has an autoimmune disorder due to the years of abuse and stress. You are doing brilliantly, keep it up.

Seems a reasonable response.

He'll not get it btw. But if he does get nasty / start harassing you, it's a pretty good starting point for evidence he's a twat.

Be ready for his ex to stick her oar in OP. Her meal ticket may have come to an end and it will be your fault (in their deluded reality).
Also he may well escalate to suicide threats, so be ready for that. My ex pretended he was "going to the highlands and did not know if he'd be coming back" and went out of contact for a week, he'd actually been staying with a friend the entire time, his poor mum was frantic.
I wouldn't have your ex within a million miles of your son either, could you alter the birthday plans so he and his kids are nowhere near you? He will quite likely try to wreck it.
If you have a male relative or friend nearby, have them on standby in case he turns up or won't leave etc.

But that’s what I mean by putting it in scare-quotes. His autism didn’t make him roll his eyes at you or call you a cunt or refuse to go on walks with you in the early days of your relationship, so its usage as an excuse now is transparent.

Ok, yes, this is entirely predictable and par for the course.

OP, as much as you can, stick to the outcome you need.

Don't get into lengthy discussions about why, what, and wherefores.

He will blame you for everything (it doesn't matter).

He will tell everyone else that it's your fault (who cares? you will have what you need).

He is moving past bargaining (although if demands and threats don't work at first, he may cycle back to the bargaining stage).

This is all you need to remember:

You wanted your house back.
You wanted not to live with him and his children anymore.
You wanted to perhaps keep the relationship going after he moved out, but he doesn't want this, so you will have to let that go.

You want peace and quiet.
You want your life back, and to feel whole and happy again.
The most you can manage right now (Day3!) is relief, sadness, a bit of acceptance, enjoyment of your time again, especially with your son and friends.
And building up your strength and resilience, which you will never be able to do if he is around and poking you all the time with accusations.

I think some previous posters had some good suggestions about limiting the time you spend reading his panicky tantrums. He got himself into this situation, he can start being a grownup and get himself out of it.

THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOLVE.

He will blame you for everything, let him.
He will accuse you of being the problem in the relationship, let him.
He will say you never loved him as much as he loved you, let him.
He will eventually start coming up with cruel things to say to you to make himself feel better, let him.

You do not have to read the messages.
If you do, you do not need to respond.
If you must respond, it should be only to clarify something administrative that needs to be done.

You have what you need. I know it's not the same as having what you wanted, but need is more important right now.

Stick to your guns. He is melting, and will soon start to spontaneously combust because nothing he is saying is making you change your mind or say yes. He wants you to apologize, forget everything that you said and made happen, and take him back, with no conditions.

Unless you are going to do that, NOTHING he says has any power over you.

I know with my eldest, who is autistic, he really struggles to see things from another point of view, this isn’t an excuse but perhaps why his messages seem all a bit one sided about how he is feeling.
Ultimately you were unhappy, tried to resolve your unhappiness several times and it fell on deaf ears.
His autism is irrelevant tbh and knowing he is autistic he should have tried to make things right. Being autistic isn’t an excuse for poor behaviour, and once you had highlighted your unhappiness he should have made more of an effort, regardless of his diagnosis.
He didn’t and now you want to be on your own, there is no point in keeping going back and forth, he will only want to hear the narrative that fits in with how he sees the situation. Ignore the messages, if you feel the need to reply then just say that living with him and his children 50% of the time doesn’t make you happy and you won’t change your stance on the situation.

Tbh @PithyBeaker i like that response

it’s pretty final. Now you can go to the ignore phase

what he’s doing is trying to take up space in your head, he’s trying to ensure you don’t move on.

Grey rock

Messages should be BIF - brief informative factual

do not JADE - justify argue defend explain

He broke up with you and now you can't get a break from him. That would annoy the crap out of me. The threat to weaponize your son would have been it for me.

What I would do is gather his and his kids clothes and things up and bag them up and stick them in one room. I'd set up a pickup with movers and rent a storage room for a month only and all their stuff and furniture would go there. I'd unblock, tell him about the storage and that it's only good for a month, not to contact me again, and reblock on all SM.

When you threaten to do something I know would hurt my kid, I will shut you down harder than a ton of bricks and salt the remains.

@lessglittermoremud no, it’s not an autistic behaviour, it’s a manipulative behaviour. My ex isn’t autistic but he went through the same script as this guy is doing.

Note that it is still all about him.

He’s not interested in actually trying to change or repair anything, he’s just on broadcast mode and hoping that he will say something that hooks you back in, even if the hook is that you feel compelled to correct him.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

As PP have said, he’s going to play the victim and not take any responsibility. Leave him to it. Have a look at the drama triangle - if you engage with it you will get dragged in to either the rescuer or persecutor role.

Don’t engage with his musings. Stay clear with your instructions (you can come around on Monday at 6pm to pack up/pick up your things/ This relationship is over and I’m not going to discuss this with you any more etc etc). Stay strong. He is showing his true colours and it’s painful to be on the receiving end of, but vent your feelings here, not to him.

I know you want to reason with him, you want him to understand why you did this, you want him to 'get it'. Ive been there. Hes not going to.

You wrote that message - but see it as writing it for yourself. It was therapeutic I expect. Clear. You CANNOT get him to see it though. So don't even bother. All it will do is give him more power.

Ultimately now, you just don't want to live with him or his kids anymore. And you also don't want to be with him anymore. Thats it. The reasons why no longer matter. Move on from that - decision made.

I hope that helps you - from someone who spent bloody years going back and forth with ex DH. I only wish I had taken my own advice. It made me v.v.v.ill.

Oooh thats even better than my suggestion. Genius. You could literally sort that tomorrow.

OP, this is your life, and, as vicariously as we are all watching it online, you are the one going through it. So, say what you need to say. I doubt, as others have said, that it will make any difference to him because you are not saying what he wants to hear, but if it helps to get it off your chest, then why not? Just don't agree to anything you don't want.

He will be looking for an "in" and if he doesn't find one, he'll be looking for a way to use your words against you, so just take care. You are still very vulnerable at this stage and he will find that and use it if you let your guard down.

Be aware, also that ANY contact you have with him right now will be feeding his feelings of righteousness and his belief that he can make you change your mind.