Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

Or a thumbs up emoji

Since you asked for advice:

(1) First, allow yourself to be aware that his behaviour is manipulative wankery of the highest order, he is trying to manipulate your feelings in order to control your behaviour, and every time he does it gives further evidence that you are much better off with him out of your life;

(2) Second, allow yourself to also be aware that if you are 40 and have one child getting towards secondary school age, and are solvent, and do not want another child, then although you are probably totally sick of men at the moment, if that ever changes you will be in high demand among men at a similar life phase, and you will have a lot options in that department;

(3) Finally in terms of your own behaviour: I fully agree with what others said: for any message he sends, unless that specific message is about something that YOU want (such as getting his belongings out of your home), just ignore it. It may also be worth turning off notifications and only looking at his messages at a specific moment each day or each couple days that is convenient for you.

He may try lots of different “angles” and be persistent for a while, but if you don’t reward his shitty behaviour with any response, hopefully he will tire of it. And even if he persists - if you use that sort of strict filter to decide which messages merit a response, and commit to yourself to stick to it, then he will take up a lot less of your headspace, which is the real goal here. You cannot control his behaviour but you can control how much of your attention you choose to give.

That’s actually a really good idea ! Maybe set a deadline for yourself and do this if any of his shit is still in your house.

Hmmmmmm, well the good news is that it's no longer your problem that none of this really adds up. He is no longer doing whatever-the-fuck-he's-doing (I dread to think!) at your expense.

I flinched when I read your earlier post about him rolling his eyes at you. I'm sure "little" things like this will start to occur to you more and more over the next few days/weeks/months, and you will have a better grasp of their meaning. When we're living daily with someone like that, it just becomes normal.

It's a bit of a cliché on MN to say to the OP "You deserve better," and sometimes I am not sure it's an appropriate response to their posts. In a general sense, yes, obviously, we all deserve to be treated with respect. But to enjoy a fulfilling, mature relationship requires both parties to treat each other with consideration, compassion and kindness. You did that for him, but for whatever reason he was unable or unwilling to reciprocate. You exhausted yourself in that struggle, and could easily have driven yourself and your DS into the ground with it.

The good news is that you have enough resilience and intuition to have survived a situation that was extremely damaging for you on every level (self-esteem, finances, practical considerations... the list goes on).

Your were clever enough to seek input when you recognised the potential danger you were in, and astute enough to interpret and act on the advice you got here.

All this points to you being strong, calm and well grounded, which all places you in good stead for a much happier life without him in it.

Plants thrive when they are freed from parasites and given the space and care they need. Human lives flourish in much the same way.

One of the hardest things to recover after a "relationship" like this is trust in your own judgement, especially as you wonder how you got yourself in such a pickle.* It's inevitable that you're second-guessing yourself at the moment (it's only Day 2!), but your self-belief will grow stronger as you begin to understand just how reliable your internal compass is. Look, many of us on here recognise your situation all too well and are literally applauding your clarity and courage.

You've done/are still enduring the hardest bit. From here on, I promise, life will get better and better and better 🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞

*Answer, BTW: Because you are a good person and don't expect other people not to be. And why would you? I doubt the duckling, or even the duck, expected this:
https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1114263457286840

There is nothing left to fix - grey rock.

His fixation on you "sharing" everything you have with him and his children is quite alarming. There is something very, very wrong with this guy.

Oh and I'd recommend this

www.shiply.com/

If he is earning 6 figures he must be bringing home 5k plus a month. He can afford to rent something bigger.

Ask yourself if you had suggested he stay in your bigger house with his kids and you and son had moved into his flat would he be sending all these?

Spot on, and I think we all know the answer to this.

Wise words.

My mind has just been absolutely blown by you saying he earns more than you, and that he earns six figures.

There is no way he should be having money struggles when he’s only been covering bills, and as others have said, if he really was he should’ve used an agency to rent out his flat and he would have had a least a dent in his expenses.

Something is amiss…

‘You are delusional, you wouldn’t give me so much as the time of day much less ‘everything’. You rolled your eyes when I tried to talk to you and couldn’t turn your game off one evening a week or ever for the last few months to go for a walk with me. Get a grip and accept that I’m done with you and with being treated like that.’

Ok, this is following a pattern that feels very familiar to me.

• Dismiss or ignore any mention you make of things which aren’t right in your relationship for years (in my case it was his horrible bullying behaviour but also the fact that he was spending more time with another woman and her kids than with me and our baby).
• Make out that you are unreasonable to even raise the problematic behaviour as an issue. (Mine used to say things like, “I could be down the pub every night and out at football every weekend” as if that were worse than spending every evening bathing someone else’s kids and spending Friday nights there to keep her company while her husband went out to play in his band 🤨)
• When you get to the end of hope, and you end the relationship, he starts with the surprise, the hurt, the rewriting of history. Yours has said that he “gave you everything”. That “we can make changes” “we can fix this” “we can get married”. This is him trying to paint a picture of you being a grasping, materialistic figure who’s brutally kicked him (and his kids) out for no reason and with no warning. He’s willing to forgive this but he wants you to accept that you have been unreasonable. He may make small changes for a short time. (My ex eventually made the mistake of making two measurable promises, and so the next time I raised it, after waiting a few more months to give him a chance, I was able to refer back to these and point out that neither of them had happened, and that he had no intention of doing them- they were sops to me to try and convince me to stay.) It’s vital during this time to remember what really happened- NOT his version of events.
• Offer to marry you. Men like this think we all want to be married, and so he is counting on getting some romance points from you and also benefitting from the legal combining of assets. Once married, the status quo will be reasserted and you’ll be in a much more difficult position to make any changes.
• Pretend that you owe him time, conversation, and if you don’t want to talk to him that’s more evidence of your hard heart and unreasonableness. He’ll ignore the fact of point 1 (above) that you have been trying to address this for literal years - he just wants more opportunities to manipulate you into allowing him back.

Stay strong, continue to write and dance and find your way back to yourself. Life is on the up- even if it feels like a low point, this is really where the up begins after the down and the low. 💐

Don't reply...

There's no way to unpick all of that without expending a lot of energy.

He's angry, he's creating his own reality and won't be persuaded by anything you say to change it.

If you have made an arrangement for him to collect the rest of his stuff, just restate that he can come at x time on x day to pick up his things

Also, he's still blaming you and telling you it's on you to fix things.
So not accepting any responsibility, and trying to manipulate/control you.
"You shouldn't have gone out last night" - excuse me?!!

Don't get drawn into any discussion, it's a waste of time and energy.
Been there, got the tshirt...

Once again.

He's assuming he's such a prize you are desperate to get back with him.

It's still not entered his head you are completely serious and have no desire to work things out with someone who is name calling and abusive because he's not getting his own way.

Tell him straight that, the reason you aren't spending your time trying to work things out is precisely because of this type of behaviour which instantly gives you the ick and you have zero interest in getting back with him given his reaction.

His kids are his problem to deal with. His financial security is his problem to deal with.

None of this is your responsibility and he should have been considering all this way before it's got to a point where you felt like you were his mother not his lover.

This is the channel switching of narcissistic people I mentioned earlier. The channels are:

(1) self-pity/guilting

“it’s stupid how heartbroken I feel bc you never loved me that way”

"your son doesn’t want me to leave"

"long messages about his autism"

“I gave you everything. Please don’t ever tell me you loved me again”

“Tell yourself that I’m the one walking away if it makes you feel better”

(2) blaming/insults/punishment/rage

“I’m not against something casual on the side in an open relationship but it’s not reasonable to ask for that as an exclusive relationship.”

"Lots of tears about how I betrayed him, lied, only care about money."

"don’t punish me for being autistic"

"how if the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one with more money/house and I was chasing to speak, he would be the one in the wrong"

"I’m the one who DGAF"

(3) charm/love bombing

"there has been a flurry of messages, love bomb-y in nature "

"he’ll give me time but ultimately wants us to get married and all be a family"

People like this switch between the channels to see what works to get them a response. If there is no response, they'll switch between the channels faster and faster, trying to confuse and provoke the victim into a response, any response.

Any response - including angry - is a win for them.

Responding after they send XX texts also just shows them that XX texts gets them a response.

I understand that at this stage, it's helpful to read what he's sending, since he's just digging his grave deeper and consolidating your suspicions. At this stage, it's a healthy part of breaking up and healing.

But be careful not to let this go too far or too long, because it'll keep you bonded to him and unable to move on. It's also very exhausting and draining, and time-consuming. You sound like a very sensible person, though, I'm sure you'll recognise when it's time to block him.

I know you didn't want to do this, but you will need to block him. The relationship is over, you need to cut off his access to you. Set a firm day/time for him to collect his stuff - maybe a week from now which gives him time to make arrangements. To be honest, in your shoes I would organise the removal myself - book a man with a van and tell him when they will be arriving. Then block him and stop communicating with him. You are not going to agree on who's right/who's wrong, and by keeping the lines of communication open, he has the means of getting to you. Don't tell him anything else about what you are doing where you are going - you are still treating him like a partner when you do that. Every time he messages and you respond, he thinks there's a chance. I know its hard, but from everything you have posted you have two choices. Either end the relationship or stay with him and continue as you are. You know that he isn't going to change. The kindest thing for everyone concerned, including him, the children and yourself is to end it and cut contact.

100% agree with @YankeeDad

especially the 3rd para and the last one.

i expect he’ll get nasty now. He’ll try all the different emotions he can possibly muster to try to wriggle his way back in.

he’s not very bright is he? He left, he has no key. In the words of the orange one (but this time it’s actually correct) he has no cards.

YOU (really do) hold all the cards.

the only other angle is that he is so full of himself, thinks you’re so cockstruck that he can click his fingers, or waggle his willy, and you’ll immediately get him back into the houses

bag up his stuff, give him a deadline to collect it, and put it outside for him to collect.

or if you want to resolve this more quickly, man with a van and get it delivered to his flat. There is NO reason past this point why you will need to be in contact with him.

It's time to block him for a bit. This is getting to berating and harassment on his part.

He's not going to say what you want to hear. He's not going back to the guy he was at the beginning of your relationship and sweeping you off your feet is the last thing on his mind right now. He feels entitled to your home and your labour because he had it for 5 years. He wants you back in the FOG and he's trying to guilt you into what he feels you are obligated to give him.

Do notice how he thinks you catering to his wants should be your first priority.

And tha I shouldn’t have gone out w friends last night but should have prioritised talking to him and fixing things.

Like he prioritised talking to you instead of gaming all the time????

How did he know you was out last night.

Otherwise ignore all his messages. I can’t emphasise this strongly enough @PithyBeaker

youre doing exactly the right thing.

Also keep remembering he wasn’t “autistic” until about 18 months ago.

I told him bc he wanted to come round. I said no, I’m out.

That’s not true. He is highly autistic and has been from beginning. It’s still not an excuse, I don’t think

I love my boyfriend dearly. But he moved into MY house. Its just us (his kids visit at weekends sometimes). If he started behaving badly and he had somewhere else to go, like your boyfriend, and we broke up I would pay for someone to take down all his stuff and transport it there in one day. I would let him know a few hours before it was happening, so he could make sure he was there. Then I would block. I wouldn't fuck about.

If he was decent and we broke up - due to just falling out of love for example - I would give him more time, he could set up in the spare room and take longer - as long as he was respectful and decent and didn't fanny about.

I have said this to him though. He doesn't have somewhere else to go, he doesnt have any assets (i sound like alysa in MAFS), so when he moved in I said that as long as he was decent if it didn't work out he could stay until he got somewhere. If he was a prick he would be out and blocked that day.

You are lucky (I dont expect you feel lucky) in that he actually has a home already - doesnt have to find somewhere else, doesn't have to kick tenants out etc. He has been a prick to you, so I wouldn't hesitate to get his shit out of there, locks changed, blocked, and just move on with your life. Do it tomorrow! Don't have any contact at all and don't have him at your sons bday party.

You probably feel like you can't, its overkill, its not kind etc - because as women we are trained to be kind. But fuck that!! You need to protect yourself and to heal. You can't do that with him fannying about and sending you manipulative messages. You broke up - you need to follow through now. He doesn't get to live rent-free in your head now hes not in your home. Get rid.

Best of luck to you. x