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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Continuing an AIBU …

961 replies

PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 19:22

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
nomas · 12/04/2026 12:33

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 12:20

The “vanishingly rare” spousal maintenance is interesting. He and X both confirmed this was happening and the expectation. Which actually throws him in an objectively good light tbph. I believe he really did care about making sure she was ok and had enough to get set up. Just sad that he cared less about me though and his care of her was at my expense.

Have you seen any evidence that he gave ex money?

Men who resent their ex partners for being the reason why they are not a property owner don’t typically pay them voluntary maintenance.

But it sounds good when they tell a new partner that they do this.

Glowingup · 12/04/2026 12:34

I find it astounding that someone can earn six figures, have a flat with frankly a tiny mortgage and only contribute about a grand in the form of bills to his home and not have significant savings. What is actually wrong with him? He could easily get a mortgage of say 300k and could sell the flat and buy a decent sized home. Does he have huge debts or something? It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever unless you’re in central London or something.

january1244 · 12/04/2026 12:42

cooldarkroom · 12/04/2026 12:25

Why is he skint? The figures don’t balance, if he is on a 6 figure salary its 8+K per month.
He chose not to rent his flat, to recoup mortgage & costs, then chose to pay XW even though he has 50/50.
& pays no rent to you, & undoubtedly profits from your presence to limit child care costs, food for his kids etc.
Not that it matters now. but I think he’s lying

Six figure salary is about £5k a month. Before and after school club (about £27 a day per child here), £1k to live with OP, food, £800 for his flat, plus maintenance- I can see it’s probably been easy for him to get through it.

Still that’s not the OPs problem remotely. But with three children things cost a lot of money. It’s also why it is crazy he didn’t rent out his flat - even netting off a few hundred a month would have made a difference

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 12:58

Liveshives · 12/04/2026 12:31

You are doing great.

The sad truth which is evidenced on so many MN threads over the years is that so many men are far more concerned and loyalty driven by their ex than new partner.

This plays out both financially and being more concerned about their not being inconvenienced, their spare time, their not being imposed up.

It often plays out that the solvent house owning second partner is no more than free skivvy aupair to his children whilst their mother is able to enjoy her child free time in peace undisturbed.

The mother cannot be questioned for having her boundaries, but it is the naive second partner who picks up the endless slack for these lazy men by providing housing, childcare and often funding it.

Such a poor deal.
Be glad you didn't have a child with him.
You can fully end contact.

They often lock in a child just to be sure, but are usually completely disinterested in this child and are largely uninvolved.

I don't believe he will give up yet.
The reality of the inconvenience of your ending things will increasingly be hitting him.

Stay strong. You have got this.
Please gather his stuff together so he can't drag out pick up.

Oh spoke too soon. He’s just steamed back in with some long messages about his autism and how if the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one with more money/house and I was chasing to speak, he would be the one in the wrong. And that he is always bending over backwards to accommodate me and I’m the one who DGAF. And tha I shouldn’t have gone out w friends last night but should have prioritised talking to him and fixing things.

OP posts:
PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 12:59

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 12:58

Oh spoke too soon. He’s just steamed back in with some long messages about his autism and how if the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one with more money/house and I was chasing to speak, he would be the one in the wrong. And that he is always bending over backwards to accommodate me and I’m the one who DGAF. And tha I shouldn’t have gone out w friends last night but should have prioritised talking to him and fixing things.

“I gave you everything. Please don’t ever tell me you loved me again”

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 12/04/2026 13:00

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 12:58

Oh spoke too soon. He’s just steamed back in with some long messages about his autism and how if the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one with more money/house and I was chasing to speak, he would be the one in the wrong. And that he is always bending over backwards to accommodate me and I’m the one who DGAF. And tha I shouldn’t have gone out w friends last night but should have prioritised talking to him and fixing things.

He really thinks he's owed the moon on a stick, doesn't he?

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 13:00

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 12:59

“I gave you everything. Please don’t ever tell me you loved me again”

“Tell yourself that I’m the one walking away if it makes you feel better”

OP posts:
PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 13:01

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 13:00

“Tell yourself that I’m the one walking away if it makes you feel better”

I’m going to work out and ignore his messages for the moment. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
InconsequentialFerret · 12/04/2026 13:02

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 12:58

Oh spoke too soon. He’s just steamed back in with some long messages about his autism and how if the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one with more money/house and I was chasing to speak, he would be the one in the wrong. And that he is always bending over backwards to accommodate me and I’m the one who DGAF. And tha I shouldn’t have gone out w friends last night but should have prioritised talking to him and fixing things.

He's hilarious! 😂

The sooner you get the rest of his stuff out of your house the better.

At this point, I wouldn't respond to anything he said other than furniture etc. arrangements.

Then block him.

I also think you need to think about your son's birthday. Is he going to use that as an opportunity to try to manipulate your son?

GCAcademic · 12/04/2026 13:02

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 13:01

I’m going to work out and ignore his messages for the moment. Any advice gratefully received.

Grey rock. Don't engage. He's rewriting history and you can't argue with a set of falsehoods.

Candleabra · 12/04/2026 13:03

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 13:01

I’m going to work out and ignore his messages for the moment. Any advice gratefully received.

Ignoring the messages is the only advice you need.
You know the truth. Trust in yourself. You’re doing really well xx

moderate · 12/04/2026 13:05

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 12:06

I’ve been wondering it too. My sister asked it awhile ago. I just don’t know. He certainly gives every appearance of being broke. But he earns more than I do (both six figs). Not a clue.

Wait, what? Six figures means at least £5K per month in his pocket. And he has property. He’s hardly destitute, is he?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 12/04/2026 13:06

Don't respond to his latest slew of messages @PithyBeaker

They'll turn abusive fairly soon.
It'll drive him mad that he's getting no answers or comments from you.

Legolaslady · 12/04/2026 13:07

God he's absolutely bricking the thought of spending a weekend in a 1 bed flat with his kids isn't he?
Probably not looking forward to having to tell his ex either.
I would keep messages purely about when his stuff can be collected nothing else.
In fact just this once I would pay for a man with a van to take all his stuff to him so he didn't have to come back at all.

GCAcademic · 12/04/2026 13:07

I missed his mega salary. Wow. What a cheeky fucker.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 12/04/2026 13:09

It didn't take him long to go from:

- Will you marry me

to:

- This is all your fault; why are you doing this to me

Did it.....
Grin

moderate · 12/04/2026 13:09

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 13:01

I’m going to work out and ignore his messages for the moment. Any advice gratefully received.

Stay strong. Stay incredulous at his chutzpah. You even gave him the cheat sheet for what he got wrong in the relationship and he’s STILL telling you he gave you everything.

InconsequentialFerret · 12/04/2026 13:10

I would pay for a man with a van to take all his stuff to him

I would also do this.

Then block and move on.

Responding to him in any way is pointless. He wants you to engage with his ramblings and to keep second guessing yourself enough to allow him back in.

You're currently being far too accommodating.

Candleabra · 12/04/2026 13:10

If it makes you feel any better try thinking about it this way - is any of his behaviour (including the very recent messages) consistent with a loving partner who wants you, and you only, to be in his life?
All his behaviour (either passive or aggressive) is about control. You’re not doing what he wants any more and he’s using every tactic to get you back under control.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 12/04/2026 13:11

You're currently being far too accommodating

Not really. PithyBeaker has pretty much ignored him since yesterday.
She went out with her friends last night.

frozendaisy · 12/04/2026 13:12

The messages are me me me babble and you you you blame.

You can predict the next batch.

Ask yourself if you had suggested he stay in your bigger house with his kids and you and son had moved into his flat would he be sending all these?

Cycleaway · 12/04/2026 13:13

The thing is, a label is a description and not a definition; his autism diagnosis describes the different traits and difficulties he experiences, but that doesn’t mean he can do whatever he likes.

You didn’t suddenly snap one day having never raised any issues. You raised them plenty of times and he ignored or belittled them - and and you. He had ample opportunity to work through these problems with you, but he didn’t want to. That’s nothing to do with autism, that’s being a dick

The things he is saying now are a mirror of him and his motives and beliefs and nothing to do with you. You’re doing so well OP. I hope the way he is behaving now is strengthening your resolve, but you must feel like you’ve been through the wringer

Liveshives · 12/04/2026 13:14

OP, stay close to your thread and his predictable playbook and checklist will be given to you by so many seasoned posters on here.

They are never original.
They share absolute selfishness, victimhood and outrage at their core.

They oscillate between grief, outrage, victim hood, begging, nasty to threats of self harm, all in growing desperation to get you back in line.

I really hate writing this but I believe his treatment of you came from no longer caring about you at all, but simply being cold and calculating in totting up his cushy number.
He will be furious with himself that he underestimated your self respect.

This isn't about you, this is all about him and what works for him.

I have friends with younger sisters and they have so many stories about men that were so suiting themselves for years out of their comfort in homes they didn't own.

He wasn't good enough for you, and you know it.
You know you deserve better.
Yes it is hurting you now, but time and distance will bring such relief at another decade not being wasted.

Teens, even the great ones can be tricky.
He is not going to walk into a situation when any woman with even a smidgen of grey matter is going to want to be burdened with 3 feral teens she didn't birth, believe me.
Certainly not long term.

Please get his stuff out of yours asap, evdn pay for a van, but get it out.
I suspect he will try to drag this out this week, not collect the beds, and will try and bring those prepped penitent children to your house, as soon as he can.

Best ignore the messages completely and watch the trajectory.

LokiDoki75 · 12/04/2026 13:15

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 13:00

“Tell yourself that I’m the one walking away if it makes you feel better”

Ye gads, he’s full of it! As he blatantly hasn’t listened to a word you’ve said and is desperately making up a fantasy version, I believe the only response at this point is “😂”.

Gymnopedie · 12/04/2026 13:17

PithyBeaker · 12/04/2026 12:11

Thank you, I am second-guessing a bit but also I’m feeling pretty good today. We haven’t been in contact at all which is good. I had a lovely morning writing and now off to the gym. Dreamy.

It's a significant change after five years and you still can't quite let go of how it was in the beginning. The wobbles are understandable.

But you said it was maybe 18 months ago that you last felt good in the relationship. So remember that you gave it a good shot. You didn't get out at the first irritation, you stayed and did your best - and things got worse not better.

He may not have started out being with you for your house but it very much sounds like that's what it turned into. He called you a cunt, eye rolled if you wanted to talk to him, wouldn't do anything with you, blamed you (along with his ex) for everything he felt was wrong with his life and punished you for it. Tbh it sounds like by this stage he not only didn't like you but had actually crossed over into contempt. So when you wobble, try to remember that look in his eyes, the names he called you, the complete lack of any sort of engagement with you and then have a third thought - the one where you know for certain that you did the right thing for you.