Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

Trying to involve his kids to guilt you is really low of him. If they turn up and ask you about it, just say it's not worked out with your dad and me, so we can't live together any more.
Also "blaming him for being autistic"! He was capable of being nice to you at the beginning, so unless his autism has suddenly appeared, it's not relevant.
And as for the money, he's got 3 kids, that is always going to be very expensive and hard work and he shouldn't be expecting a third party to lessen his load. It was his choice to have 3 kids, have them 50/50 but still carry on paying his ex a lot of money, not rent out the flat, etc.
It's not your burden to take on. He had plenty of chances to pull his weight and preferred not to. He wouldn't even clean up after his own kids! That costs nothing. He was exploiting you, not "sharing."

It’s very odd to a leave a flat empty in this day and age. It’s not good for the property either, windows closed, heating not being used etc never mind the loss of rental income.
Of course OP has to think about money she has a son to provide for.
The fact she was paying a cleaner to clean up after teenagers who aren’t hers is truly awful.
Well, the Funtime Flat will descend into chaos.
And OP he sounds like he’s messaging his mum. As for getting her DC on side, that’s hideous. I think OP will find her son will adjust in no time. He has his own friends.

The fact that you can’t trust him not to involve your son the reddest of red flags. For me there would be no coming back from that.

Plus his money management is nuts and he is not giving you the full story. It is just less expensive to let out a flat than to pay everything for it. There is no way it is not. And unless you have seen his bank account I would not trust that he is giving his Ex money. There is a lot of haziness around the actual numbers.

Yes, I also find the flat very curious. OP said she had broken her head trying to understand it and gave up. Also, the paying childcare to ex when he's got the kids 50-50. And paying alimony to ex beyond 5 years, yet she's now trained up and has a good job. It's all so WEIRD.

Add to that his insistence that OP is all about money and that he wants a partner that "shares" everything.

🤔🤔🤔

There could be a benign reason for this - i.e. he has the financial sense of an incontinent gnat. It's not impossible: my father, who was similar to OP's ex in his good looks and charm and looking at women as interchangeable appliances, was really stupid with money. He was a proligate user of people (women) himself, but so vain that he was easily conned. Once he told my sister about this woman he 'romanced' in Indonesia who he gave 5 grand to start a bar. She was a prostitute (which he knew - he was a client UGH) and when he looked her up on his next visit, her henchmen threw him out. (No blame to this woman, good on her). He was hurt! My sister told me this and we were just 😲. And he was - unbelievably - an economist!

So, monumentally financially stupid people do exist. But these are NOT people you want anywhere near your own finances or in a position where the guilt thumbscrews can be put on you to bail them out financially.

Usually, though, when someone tells a story that is simply not logical and you're left none the wiser on questioning - there's something going on that the person doesn't want you to see. Maybe they have a lot of debt. Or some expensive and nefarious past-time (prostitutes, Only Fans, gambling, drugs). Whatever it is, they're hiding it because they know you will disapprove and/or end the relationship. This is lying by omission, and taking away your right to make informed decisions about your life. These people are absolutely not safe to have relationships with.

OP, I don't know which of the two - benign or malign - your ex is, but either option means you dodged a bullet with this bloke.

Just mulling it over

These men are just so predictable aren't they.

When I broke up with him, my shitty ex did exactly the same flip flopping between we can still have sex but I'll be fucking other people / I miss you and love you and we can fix this / how can you throw away our beautiful, perfect relationship over trivial issues / you'll never find someone else and will die alone / I asked you to marry me.

And on and on and on. So much drama.

It's actually helpful to see it all written out in messages, even though it hurts. It really exposes the layers of manipulation and insincerity:

• trying anything to see what sticks
• flipping between deliberately cruel/hurtful and loving/"caring" so that you feel bad and are more likely to take the crumbs offered
• when he changes his story you can see him doing it.

Stay strong.

Just catching up. You tried, you told him that his actions and words, along with the extremely poor behaviour of his children, were making you feel utterly miserable yet he did not care one jot. He just could not be bothered to step up. That tells you EVERYTHING about the person he really is.

Of course he is panicking now, reality is setting in. He may well start hooking up/love bombing other women but he knows he is NOT going to find someone willing to provide him with a free home (big enough to house his family!) and take on 50% childcare for THREE children.

Time for him and his ex to take full responsibility for the children they chose to have. What he tells them about your break-up is not your concern, nor are you in any way accountable for the size of the home he provides for them. Someone else has already pointed out that both have benefited hugely from your financial generosity, it is quite staggering when you think about it.

It would be unwise to drag this out. I would arrange for anything left behind, beds/TV/games console, to be delivered to his flat ASAP this week. If he claims lack of space, send them to his ex. You can then concentrate on your son's birthday sleepover without the worry that he will appear unannounced on the pretext of needing his stuff.

Keep grey rocking, it is a simple but very effective tactic.

You are absolutely right. Maintenance doesn’t need to be paid if they share 50/50. My OH does 50/50 but they have shared pot for DC like subs for extra curricular activities. When I was getting divorced, my solicitor said it’s ’vanishingly rare’ get spousal maintenance in the UK. The only example he knew of was when a Mum had to provide full time care for a disabled child and wasn’t able to work due to their needs and the needs would continue into adulthood (so she wouldn’t be able to work or pay into a pension without long term financial support from him).
You’ll probably never know what was happening with his finances. As an adult with ADHD, I will admit I struggle with finances and will basically spend whatever I have (I’m working on it!) so I can totally imagine if he wasn’t contributing aside from to your bills, he will spend whatever he has rather than saving, which would be sensible.

he's doing a bang up job of blaming everyone else for what he thinks is wrong in his life. he also clearly doesn't like being told the word no.

so now he's using anyone and anything at his disposal as a way to try and win the argument. still no thought about what you want or feel in all of this. his only target here is to win and he doesn't give a shit if it means roping your son in as a way to try and get what he wants.

it's an emotionally immature way to behave and really unattractive. it also must be really chilling to realise that he'd emotionally manipulate your son to get what he wants, and not give a shit about the impact to a young child.

I've been following you across the two threads and think you have done an amazing job. Stay strong, one reflection I had was that he jumped immediately to "your son wants me here." One of the things you repeated said was that you would have ended it sooner if your son had wanted that. Do you think he may have been planting that seed to your son as well? You said he actually seemed relieved so I do wonder on some level whether the manipulation extended to your son. Also as others have pointed out, he would have been in a stronger financial position if he had rented his flat out. Honestly, managing a 1-bed flat is not a massive mental drain. I mean it is all for the best given he has somewhere to go. So stay strong, 40 is nothing you have your whole life ahead of you.

There is def no financial order. It was an informal agreement that he pay her

No idea 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe

I’ve been wondering it too. My sister asked it awhile ago. I just don’t know. He certainly gives every appearance of being broke. But he earns more than I do (both six figs). Not a clue.

Yes but I have also spoken to her. Her expectation when we last spoke (well over a year ago now) was that he continues to pay her.

That's really low. He'd weaponize your child to stay in your house to your son's detriment and basically try to turn him against you in this breakup. You're going to have to uninvite his kids to your son's birthday party. He'll use that access to try to guilt trip your son and upset him.

The son your ex partner doesn't want in you home full time.

You think he isn't a monster but even you don't trust he won't use your son and do or say things very upsetting to him to try to worm his way back in. He's vindictive and spiteful and he doesn't care one bit about your son. He wants to alienate your kid against you to support his moving back in.

Weaponizing kids in a breakup really messes kids up for a very long time and I consider it a form of abuse.

Thank you, I am second-guessing a bit but also I’m feeling pretty good today. We haven’t been in contact at all which is good. I had a lovely morning writing and now off to the gym. Dreamy.

You and me both sister

I'm sorry what?

He earns six figures and he's complaining about you being all about the money?

He doesn't need the money. He could be reasonably comfortable with a decent sized house and 50:50 with the kids. His own financial illiteracy makes me wonder a lot.

You say he games late night after you have gone to bed? And he's not that interested in sex? He's blowing a shit load of money on cams or bullshit self improvement shite. Or gambling or something like that.

I don't believe he's giving all that money to the ex to demonstrate how wonderful he is. I just don't. And if he is, he's a fuckwit who is blaming you for his own stupidity.

His finances and financial ineptitude are not your responsibility to bail out.

I echo others about watching what financial stuff is tied to your address. Something is off here one way or another.

Her expectation is fine. He can get off his arse and refuse and go through court if need be.

Or is he too lazy to even do this?

The “vanishingly rare” spousal maintenance is interesting. He and X both confirmed this was happening and the expectation. Which actually throws him in an objectively good light tbph. I believe he really did care about making sure she was ok and had enough to get set up. Just sad that he cared less about me though and his care of her was at my expense.

Makes me wonder if he owes her somehow

Did she put up more of a deposit for the house ?
So she kept the family home? Did she change it into just her name? That would be difficult to afford when he first left surely?
Maybe he's just been paying the mortgage for her?

Why is he skint? The figures don’t balance, if he is on a 6 figure salary its 8+K per month.
He chose not to rent his flat, to recoup mortgage & costs, then chose to pay XW even though he has 50/50.
& pays no rent to you, & undoubtedly profits from your presence to limit child care costs, food for his kids etc.
Not that it matters now. but I think he’s lying

If his name wasn't still on the deeds at the house his ex lives in then why couldn't he afford to buy something bigger than a 1 bed flat... On his 6 figure salary?

Around £5500 a month after national insurance and tax on the lowest 6 figure salary of £100,000, assuming minimum pension contributions, no student loan, no childcare from salary etc. He might be on a much higher 6 figure salary, but also might have a student loan or higher pension. It's still a huge amount of money to always say you don't have any but he'd need to be on around £165,000 to clear £8k a month after basic deductions.

You are doing great.

The sad truth which is evidenced on so many MN threads over the years is that so many men are far more concerned and loyalty driven by their ex than new partner.

This plays out both financially and being more concerned about their not being inconvenienced, their spare time, their not being imposed up.

It often plays out that the solvent house owning second partner is no more than free skivvy aupair to his children whilst their mother is able to enjoy her child free time in peace undisturbed.

The mother cannot be questioned for having her boundaries, but it is the naive second partner who picks up the endless slack for these lazy men by providing housing, childcare and often funding it.

Such a poor deal.
Be glad you didn't have a child with him.
You can fully end contact.

They often lock in a child just to be sure, but are usually completely disinterested in this child and are largely uninvolved.

I don't believe he will give up yet.
The reality of the inconvenience of your ending things will increasingly be hitting him.

Stay strong. You have got this.
Please gather his stuff together so he can't drag out pick up.