Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

I wouldn't say I'm an expert by any means, but having been through my own (horrendous) divorce, and supported various friends through theirs, I would be amazed if there is a Court order awarding her any maintenance, and would also question whether any child support is payable.

So her "temporarily agreeing" not to take any of what can only be voluntary payments is very weird.
Why does he do it?!

Onwards and upwards, OP, you are doing brilliantly.

💐

Not the point of the thread, but rental rate would normally be at least the mortgage plus extra. Plus the tenants covers council tax and factor fees. He absolutely could have been renting via an agency to either offset that outgoings, or make a small profit to be saved each month.

Good on you for ending it, too many women feel that there needs to be some defining "bad" thing, like cheating. But what you described is just as miserable.

So in effect you've been subsidising his ex. Thats the kind of shit that would keep me awake at night with rage.

Yes you have definitely been subsidising his ex, I’d love to know how he will continue to pay her now!

Yeah, I did just mean to allude to that offer, but it’s true, he’ll never bother you again once he’s got his feet under another woman’s table.

I don't think I have ever "liked" so many posts on a thread as on this one and your original AIBU.

So so happy for you, OP 🤩

I wrote that long post detailing all the inconsistencies of his and resentment of not owning a house because his EX and you had scuppered his plans. He blamed you for asking for rent for the reason he didn’t have money but never had money when he stopped, he didn’t want to pay out for cleaner to clean up after his DC and claimed he would rather clean up himself but you stepped up and paid for one as you knew he would once again get overwhelmed. It sounds like he blames everything on someone else for his circumstances or by being overwhelmed because he thinks someone else needs to step up and take over.
He shut down any talk of your needs, solutions or of him moving out by switching off, getting angry or walking away. He never explained where his money was going just vague references to his EX and you were both unhappy the last 18 months. You distanced yourself from him emotionally because there was no compromises on his side and he was not interested in trying to keep your relationship alive by doing anything together or even bringing you a coffee. You knew before you wrote on Mumsnet that the relationship was dead. You were flogging a dead horse and you still desperately wanted to make it work hoping there was some way back to each other.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you didn’t give your all @PithyBeaker you can’t hold a relationship together alone and when you explained and asked him to leave he still doesn’t take on any accountability and blames you. He flip flops between finding someone else and you being demoted to FWB to vague threats of marriage. He blames living with you being the reason he is unable able to save money and now he is wasting money by furnishing his flat.
He’s always the victim with vague explanations of where his money is actually going.

I wonder how much has actually been going to his ex? Maybe the flat was his crash pad

“still desperately wanted to make it work hoping there was some way back to each other”

and now I’m crying again. This is just so exactly right. You are so wise

Speaking as someone that rents out the flat I lived in pre-relationship, it's a fallacy that allowing a flat to sit empty is cheaper than renting it out.

No, renting it out probably doesn't recoup the total cost of the mortgage. But it means you don't bear the total cost of the mortgage.
Mortgage £600
Costs (insurance / council tax / utility standing charges which have to be paid regardless of whether he lives there or it's empty) £200
Total cost £800

Rent £600

Total monthly loss £200 opposed to £600 mortgage (other costs not there if not rented out). So a saving of £400.

I'm no hard headed business woman (I wish!) but his logic is fallacious and he's either dim (which I doubt) or lying. No idea why in relation to this particular issue.

Didn't someone predict this too? The 'why didn't you tell me' would make me want to shout I TOLD YOU, REPEATEDLY, AND YOU SHUT ME DOWN AND IGNORED ME. But he is clearly panicking now that he'll have to do some actual parenting.

Have a good day today OP. Onwards and upwards.

Well yes, he called you a cunt, which is a strong clue that someone doesn’t like or appreciate you.

He is very manipulative.

I think you’re doing the right thing, keeping your son out of it. I would recommend keeping it vague and adult so he doesn’t get emotionally caught up in it all, “ExDP and I have grown apart so we’ve decided to end it. I’m a bit sad but it’s the right decision”.

His own life will become more complex over the next few years, if he has you as his constant he’ll be fine.

I’ve been following since the beginning and think you have been amazingly strong. One thing occurs to me. I think it’s been alluded to but not said outright, forgive me if I’m wrong. But he has resentment towards both you and his ex for ‘depriving’ him of money. Yet when you let him off the hook for rent his financial struggles didn’t ease, according to him. You have mentioned that he is vague about money. Is it possible that, as he believes he is so entitled to greater assets than you or his ex have ‘allowed’ him, that he is in fact secretly saving up both the rent he no longer pays you AND the payments to ex? And perhaps was never paying the ex what he claimed?

He kept the flat empty because he knew he would need it at short notice. He was always going to be temporary. He knew he was on shaky ground but he didn't have to change himself because he had an escape route. Keep strong, OP. You can do this.

Two things are consistent with him:

• whatever the circumstances or responsibilities, he never has enough money or as much as he thinks he should have
• this is always someone else's fault (some woman's fault) not his

I must admit, I've been wondering the same, but was unable to express it as clearly as you just did.

Absolutely.

He kept the flat empty so if he ever got the opportunity for 'a better offer' he could drop the OP like a hot potato.

We know this because of how quick he was to say well I don't want to continue the relationship, we could have causal sex but not be exclusive and then the about face when he realised the OP was serious and didn't want to be his nanny with fanny anymore.

The OP has always been Mrs Convenience or Mrs She'llDoBecauseItMeansICanDoFuckAll rather than Mrs Right who he loves and respects.

He is so resentful of his ex for his financial situation and yet claims to be far more financially generous to her than he needs to be. It just doesn’t quite add up, does it?

No. And I am familiar with that sort of situation, being with a bloke who has a huge chip on his shoulder. You simply cannot trust them not to stitch you up at every opportunity, because they see it as reclaiming what is rightfully theirs in a world that is against them.

Another suspicious note is his accusations that OP is just interested in money, when that is patently not the case. I had this from an ex who fleeced me to the point I almost lost my home. I would lay my cards on the table about financial struggles and he would say things like "I think you'll find you worry a lot more about money than I do," as though he was some kind of Gandhi and not a bloodsucking cocklodger!

Sorry if this is not helpful, OP, don't want to muddy the waters with yet another concern. But it does worry me a bit.

I think the point people are trying to make is that if he'd rented out his flat, he'd have had the £800 rent money in his bank account accumulating savings, or to pay towards rent at your place etc etc. rather than having to pay the mortgage himself out of his current salary. He'd have been £800 better off a month (minus tax on the rental income).
In the event though, it's just as well the flat was available for him and the children to move straight back into.

Thank god he did keep his flat empty otherwise it would have taken an age to get him out. @PithyBeaker will likely get the blame for that at some point

“I would’ve rented my flat out but I thought you preferred I kept that bit of independence”.

@PithyBeaker I have the feeling from some of your posts that you may be doubting yourself.

Please don’t !

Sometimes doing the right thing is hard. But in this case, it will get easier with time.