Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

“Presumably outward attractiveness” 🤣 Thank you. I have to say I’d kind of forgotten but I did get checked out quite a lot last night so that was a nice little boost. And dw, before everyone steams in, telling me not to get into something else (perish the actual thought) or not to pin my worth to my looks or the male gaze or whatever, yes, yes, I know. But also it was still a nice ego boost.

He’s taken one of the kids mattresses for the flat already. Yes the rest of his furniture is still here awaiting collection (three kids beds, a couch, tv, PlayStation, etc)

What did he need the tools for??
I would be tempted to take the beds apart and attach everything together ready for him to collect on Friday.
As long as the beds are there he will think there's a chance he could persuade you to let them stay there again

That’s appalling and just so rude! Plus how would his children feel respectful towards you and your DS when they see their DF treating you in your own home with less courtesy then he would show a stranger in a public place!

This must have been so draining on your feelings of self worth 😞 With so many of your later posts his behaviour towards you has just come across as worse and worse. Five years of him whittling at you like this and you are still strong enough to stand up and say enough! You are an amazing woman 💐

THIS:

”I don’t think he got with you just because of the house, however I suspect he’s quite a selfish and lazy man and puts his needs first, at the detriment of everything else. He took you for granted and, despite you pointing out repeatedly what you needed, he focused only on what he wanted.
He just wasn’t good enough and his behaviour and attitude reflected that - he couldn’t be bothered to be a partner, got complacent and didn’t care enough to do anything about it, until it was too late.
His selfishness is really showing itself now in his behaviour towards you and, in time, you’ll see that it was a lucky escape - his ‘usual’ behaviour just wasn’t good enough and he couldn’t be bothered to be the best version of himself after the initial part of your relationship.”

god this is so true. He wasn’t a monster aimed only at the house from the outset. He genuinely wants a partner to live with but fails to see that that isn’t possible or realistic in the traditional set up where we both have previous kids and he doesn’t have equivalent assets. And then he accuses me of being all about the money, and round we go…

He calls it sharing to make it sound lovelorn and earnest but it really equates to you giving and him reaping the benefits.
It's the 'if you loved me, you would' approach.

He’s never tried to shag his X tbf and I believe he has been faithful. But the offer of a casual thing only now was repellent.

Hmm I’m not sure this is right. Flat mortgage was only about 600 quid I think plus a few hundred more in council tax and maintenance. Rent didn’t quite cover that (but words, not numbers, are my strong suit so I may not have done the figuring right…).

@SpryCat this was so on the nose I have screen shotted so I can read quickly any time I need to be reminded. Thank you 🙏

Good morning OP, yes, classic manipulation technique. I think your response was good. If he says it again, perhaps a shorter "You're their father, it's your responsibility, I'm sure you'll think of something "? Detached, and puts the burden back onto him. He will get the picture eventually that he needs to take some responsibility for his own children. I know it's very difficult right now because emotions are running high, but bland and grey will stop him in his tracks and keep your boundaries strong. So far so good!

I am glad you had a nice evening. Hope your Sunday is uneventful (re EX)..

oh, and no, he doesn't like you. And without basic liking and respect there can't be anything remotely resembling love.

Oh PithyBeaker, what a journey you’ve been on. I’ve read both threads. Wanted to make sure I was up to date before posting (glad I did!).
I looked at the thread initially because I’m in a long-term relationship where we live apart. We don’t plan to live together for a long time. Blending our families would be complicated. Neither of us are in a rush to do that.
I’m so glad you found the strength to ask him to move out! All the bargaining and manipulation reminds me of my XH. He was sobbing as he packed, even commented that I seemed less upset than him. I wasn’t, I’d just cried so much over the last year as he treated me like crap, I was calm in the moment. Within a few weeks of us separating, he was seeing someone else!
I would advise writing down everything you need to sort out (like the insurance) and getting it sorted ASAP. Don’t wait for him to sort it, he’ll leave it to have an excuse to stay in contact. I also found making a list of all the awful stuff he’d done helped me if I ever felt wobbly.
I’m glad you had fun last night. I can tell you won’t rush into another relationship (very sensible), but you’re only young. There will be time when you feel ready. I was divorced at 40. Spent the next year working on myself. Joined a gym, got promoted, had some therapy. I met my OH almost a year after I split from XH. He’s lovely and makes me happy 😊 but like I say, after 3+ years, still no imminent plans to blend families, just see each other EOW (around the kids) and have fun together.
Stay strong, you’ve got this!

I’m so glad you had a gorgeous night with friends listening to live music. It was exactly what you needed to lift your spirits, I find swimming and walking and being with friends also a great mood booster too. You’ve been running on empty for so long that you want to start building up your drained and battered resources of your soul by activities that soothes and you enjoy.

The kids have been with him 50/50 for at least 5 years. She's had 5 years to work on improving her career. Sure she would have taken a hit at the start but having half your time child free gives a lot of opportunities to study and work. Should he support her forever for this reason? When the kids are 35?

Loved for your accuracy @PithyBeaker

Yet it's predictable he would deny that indignantly if it was pointed out.

With the note that I cannot claim experience here* I think that as you get more time and space away from him, you will notice other poor behaviours and attitudes from him. The way you thought about different elements as the thread progressed seemed like a crash-course in his sh1t behaviour, even the parts that might have initially seemed less obvious.

Holy wall of text 🤐
TLDR: Without pressure from his presence you will recall more unreasonable behaviour of his.

I have spent so long trying to understand this too and given up. She is now working full-time in a steady job and has finished training for the role years ago. Yet he pays her not just child support (which, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think is required if he has 50/50- or at least not to the same amount) AND spousal maintenance. 🤯

Oh come on, that's not fair. You share your house and money, and he shares the work and responsibility of caring for his kids - not to mention his own glorious presence. Tsk, women.

🤣🤣🤣 🎯

OP, just while I remember: when you are ready, and in an "admin" mood, don't forget to keep an eye on what he is using your address for. I have had problems before with previous tenants using my address, and have had to call various utility companies etc. to inform them I was getting the police involved in fraud investigations. If he is still using your address in a few months, you'll need to deal with that sharpish. You don't want bailiffs arriving at your door or your credit rating plummeting.

Just a thought.

Wow how pathetic of him. He can tell them that you kicked HIM out actually, and it would be odd if they kept coming to you every other week instead of their Dad wouldn’t it 😂

(of course you know and he knows that he just needs to explain your relationship isn’t working out so he’s moved back to the flat. What a pathetic attempt at a guilt trip though)

‘Like a mother’ he’s trying all the angles now. Has he mentioned being like a father to your son all this time and how devastated he is being separated from him? Guess not.

House rabbits here 🐇

Any pet choice is favourable to living with men like OP's ex. They will never understand that, so try but fail to insult the valid lifestyle choice.

yesterday when he turned up, he was like your son doesn’t want me to leave, have you asked him, when we argued before he said he didn’t want me to leave. I told him not to involve my son and that was why I was keeping him away from him and not letting him in the house while my son was there bc I didn’t trust him not to try to use my son in this.

Does he though?? How much did he actually find her every month?

Tenants pay the council tax? Even adding on ground rent etc he would still have been offsetting a lot of his mortgage costs if he had rented it out. You don't have to cover 100% of the mortgage and costs for it to be worth doing.

And now I think of it he also said she temporarily agreed not to take payments until he sold the flat as he was so broke… I don’t know. I really don’t get it.