Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

OP I have spent the afternoon reading your threads and watching your updates with trepidation.

I cannot express how amazing you are. AMAZING.

I rarely post, but just want to thank you for baring your soul and sharing such a painful journey with us. Moreover, for making such an incredibly hard decision, after receiving the most heartfelt advice in this thread.

I know there have been comments about ‘mumsnet man haters’ but all I’ve seen on here are truths offered up against certain behaviours demonstrated by your partner. The advice has mostly been fair and brutally honest, but also offers so much clarity when you see the facts and his words and actions laid bare by strangers. These are so clear to see once you are not ‘living in the middle of it’, swayed by emotion and fears and dare I say, a lack of self esteem whereby you feel at 40 ‘you’re not worth anything anymore’. This is so not true, but I get that this is raw and you won’t feel that way for a while.

I left a 29 year long relationship after finding out my husband had an affair and while I had not been happy for a long while, looking back I can see how much time I wasted trying to encourage the man I believed was in there into existence, that I missed the fact that I was disappearing and becoming less than I should be. How I believed the lies and unkindnesses, how it was always me in the wrong and how all these behaviours are very typical of a certain type of man. At 55 (5 years further on) I am so much happier single (with my children and my dog) 🤭😆 and have no intention to marry again or cohabit. I’m not sure I will ever meet someone, but reading some of these ladies stories gives me some hope. However, if I don’t, I know I am enough. I am happier than I have ever been and far less stressed now I am not worrying about the emotional well-being of someone who learned to be helpless and to let all the heaving lifting fall to me, while proclaiming that they actually carried it all on their shoulders (with a bad back😆🤦‍♀️) and I was so lucky to have them.

I think that when you don’t tie your emotional well-being to another individual - when you can get past the “what if’s” you will see that this is truly the first day of a better time for you. It’s not easy, but be confident that time heals. Never settle. He showed you who he really is … believe him.

sorry that was so long 🫣

oh. Get the dog 🐕 😍

Well done on being strong. He’s talking garbage - one minute he can’t promise to be exclusive because you don’t want him to live rent free in your house, to ending the relationship, to wanting to marry you. Idiot, you’ve done the right thing, no one has the right to play with your heart

He wants you to "be family" in that he wants you to be his kid's Mum and therefore do the bulk of looking after them on his time.
Not you and him!

@BeaRightThere Do you have a big house? I hear there’s a rather handsome and charming man out there newly single and looking for love. He might try and shag his ex occasionally, but he cleans the loo and totally stops calling you a cunt if you threaten to throw him out.

I’ve read all your updates OP and really admire you freeing yourself from the situation you weren’t happy with. And I’m sorry you had to read so many unkind comments here.

I just wanted to add a comment on his empty flat that he hasn’t rented out! If the tenant was paying his mortgage he’d have at least £800 left in the bank he could have put towards savings for a house plus not pay the bills. Around £48k for the 5y period. The agency usually charges 12% for full service so no hassle. I have a rental and things really don’t break that often.
he could have made an effort to make it work for him but he didn’t. The fact he hasn’t got a house to move in now with his kids is because of his poor financial decisions not because of you!

And he comes with the added bonus of 3 children who drop their food wrappers, leave piles of laundry and don’t wash their hands. And one of them dislikes your own child, just for the added fun of daily conflict! He’ll even bring his own gaming console!

I have reread all your posts again and so much jumped out at me.
He blamed his X for torpedoing the chance of them buying a house because he would’ve owned half instead he could only afford to buy a small flat for him and his DC. He never forgave you for buying your own home and not buying a house together so he could own half too.
He claimed he couldn’t save up any money living in your house and paying you rent so you let him just pay household bills but he still never had any spare money.
He could’ve rented out his flat and saved up the money but he found it too overwhelming.

You had told him how you felt previously and spoke of him moving out but he was unwilling to move back into his flat as it was too small for him and his DC yet he bought it to live there with them.
You felt more like roommates because he would play his game console and you just went to sleep early alone.
You pulled away when he wanted sex because of the distance growing wider between you as he wasn’t putting in any effort with you.
He wasn’t even interested in going for a walk with you and said that you can do things together once DC have grown up!
He was getting resentment that your DC was home all the time.
He used to call you a cunt when you argued!

Add on everything he has messaged and said to you after you told him you wanted him to move out he doesn’t sound like a catch at all. Xx

@PithyBeaker he is so generously offering marriage now?! Would that be so he could move back in, and then divorce you after a few years and he’d then try to claim half of your house? Sounds like the way his little brain works.

One thing he doesn't seem to get @PithyBeaker , is that he chose to have 3 kids! Of course he will be worse off. He is resentful that you have a whole house and 1 child and he has a 1 bed flat and 3 children, but doesn't see your choice to have 1 child contributed to you being in the position to buy and vice versa.

It could never have been 50/50 and he can't expect that, unless he finds a woman who also has 3 children. Then he would want a 7 bedroomed house. 😂 Would he take on someone else's 3 DC?

He would need to bring more to the table than you to 'share' fairly. I bet any amount of money he wouldn't have such strong morals around 'sharing' if he had brought a lot more to the table.

It is very unfair to your son to expect that he should have 1/4 share of everything, when he is your only child.

This is very true. Why does he keep on insisting on “sharing”? If you insist on sharing but have nothing to offer, that is more accurately called “taking”.

Had a gorgeous night listening to live music and it was like a long bath. Feel sad but good this morning.

I also remember @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne called it. Smart.

He actually asked me what is he supposed to say to the kids. How can I tell them that the person who was like a mum to them has kicked them out? I said “The thing you tell them should be that you didn’t prioritise my needs and over time I became exhausted, felt unappreciated and needed space” and he was like oh if that is what it really is, why didn’t you tell me, we can fix it, don’t punish me for being autistic. I can’t disown my kids but I can fix the other stuff.

What a dick!!
They have a mother... It isn't you.

I would him he can tell them what ever he wants as it won't make a single bit of difference to the situation.
I don't really understand why he wanted then 50/50 anyway if it was to do nothing with them. Was he just avoiding paying more child maintenance?? I think you said on this thread that you didn't actually know what he was paying.
Stay strong you are a legend in your own lifetime for seeing him for what he really is!!

It’s not that he suddenly wants to get married now. He has always said we will get married eventually. In the beginning, I wanted it too but within the last year I’ve said we can’t ever get married bc I’m not disinheriting my son. And he seemed to accept that at the time. That’s why it’s so odd he’s now saying we must get married.

Such a beautiful, tender message, brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you @Lovestospotabullfinch on behalf of @PithyBeakerand all of us reading it.

Be loving and tender towards yourself Pithy, you deserve it.

He thinks that the wedding ring will be the handcuffs that hold you there
Much harder to leave a marriage

Yes this is my fear too.

Like others here, I have followed your story and am in awe of you. You have thought everything through so carefully from all sides and come to the best decision for you and your son. Although you are of course concerned about his children, they have a mum. I am wondering if your partner is kicking out as it didn’t go his way but from what you have told us about him, I hope he will come to understand the situation and see it as a positive step forward in your relationship. If not then he is not the right man for you.
Sending you a huge hug for your honesty, compassion and strength.

Pleased is not the right word but she has certainly noticed I haven’t been happy for a long time. She is being very supportive and checking in on me regularly.

Yes. And?

Bloody hell. I'm autistic and have ADHD, yet I've always been the one who has done the heavy lifting and life admin in relationships. Now I am happily single, and yes - I have a cat. I still know what love really is and know how to listen and try to really hear what others are saying if we're having difficulties. It's not his fault that he's autistic, it is his fault that he's a twat.

And after a while all assets become married assets. So you could kick him out but hey now he has claims on half a house, nice reward for a fancy day and piece of legally binding paper.

I’m sorry to hear he is now spiralling so quickly through the stages and the methods to try and get you to change your mind. I didn’t think he’d be quite so fast with his swapping between nice/nasty/guilt trippy/etc. it’s like he’s firing all and everything at you to see which is the Open Sesame to get the door of your house to open up again and all in quick succession as he’s really starting to panic as this may be serious and he may have to actually be responsible for himself, his children and his decisions. Men very, very rarely leave a relationship unless they have another to go to for precisely this reason, they absolutely do not want to look after themselves or their children and, as this is the situation he’s now in, he’s going to be thrashing around like a landed eel trying to get out of it 😞 It must be awful for you right now as he exposes more and more of how utterly self centred he really is 😞

Also, frankly, how stupid as it wouldn’t have taken a huge amount of effort to have kept you sweet and with everything running to his liking and advantage but he was too lazy and conceited to even bother to do that. No little sympathy for him, tbh. Mine is all with you 💐

This is quite true. I have felt for a long time that he doesn’t even like me, in my gut. Things like eye-rolling if I express an annoyance, getting his phone out or getting up to leave if I talk to him for more than a few minutes, as if he’s bored. And the not wanting to go for a walk, etc