Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

Yes... and all the more amazing that it started off in AIBU! 🤣

The way your guy talks reminds me of my exH. He tried to guilt me into staying and telling me ‘you’ll never meet someone like me’ and ‘nobody will treat you like I do’. I blurted ‘but isn’t that the whole point of us divorcing?’. Dude was speechless.

OP you are amazing. Stay strong. The scales have fallen from your eyes spectacularly, & I believe you'll 'Screw your courage to the sticking place, & you'll not fail'. Be more Lady Macbeth - she's under-rated.

On the relationship front, I met my wonderful DP post-divorce when I was 39. He is an absolute light in my life- they are out there. We do live together (16 years together), but it's not something you ever need to do again. My beautiful best friend met the love of her life at 53, & they have zero plans to ever live together, just spend quality time. There are so many ways to live your life ❤️

Also pretty much a dead cert anything he promised/did now would fall by the wayside as soon as he felt the danger was passed (at least this is how it has played out in my experience).

Don’t kick me and my kids out! Emotional blackmail.

Again unfortunately for him he has somewhere to go and the fact he hasn’t upgraded it isn’t your issue. The kids are at their mums i guess.

Sorry if I missed it but is your sister pleased?

Every now and then, Mumsnet gets it right.

Well done OP. Welcome to your new life. KOKO.

OP, im enormously impressed with you, you’ve been extremely strong and brave.

Dont listen to the people going on about your past, there absolutely no point in dwelling on what you might have done, guilt and regret are absolutely useless emotions.

Ive been in a similar position to you and I’ve stayed. It’s fucking hard. You become a servant to everyone but yourself. I hope to have your strength one day. The person who said you didn’t end it, he did, is bang on. You offered him a reasonable solution and he rejected it. He’s a very selfish and self absorbed man. Cleaning toilets means fuck all. He didn’t listen to you, and any man that calls his partner a cunt while living rent free in her home is a fucking joke. I’m furious for women pretty much every day thinking of what we tolerate.

DO NOT consider his feelings. He hasn’t considered yours. Look after yourself and your child. X

‘The first wife gave up her career so he feels obliged to overpay her….’

I’ve been following your thread op. Huge well done for getting where you are now. He sounds like he can talk the talk and walk the walk sometimes. Other times he calls you a cunt, wants your DC out of the way more, wants you to deal with his dc, wants to pay £1000 all in to house and bills for him and 3 dc 50% while you pay £2000 and plays video games rather than spend time with you.

I often see (and have experienced) men who don’t actually like their partner. It’s the one thing I’d want in any future relationship - a man who likes me. It’s sounds so simple and basic and yet…

Also 40 is nothing. Really you have so much life left to live and opportunities for relationships, friendships, amazing life experiences. You don’t have to settle for this.

More than every now and then, on this type of issue, Mumsnet posters are inevitably, and sadly correct. But so well done OP. You are moving on with your life and your DS's life. And yes he is a total cocklodger and trying to wheedle his way back in.

@PithyBeaker I have just lurked here over two threads because I had nothing to add, as there have been many wise and caring words, support and advice.

I do think he was a cocklodger, a man who loved you for the security you provided to him, rather than a love for your immense strength and brain power, and inner beauty, and presumably outward attractiveness.

your future is a mystery now in terms of love interests but believe me you are in your prime, you will have learnt from this experience of what love and commitment does not look like.

it will increase your strength and power for the future that awaits you.

you may well have to kiss a few more frogs and chuck them back in the pond.

onwards and upwards.

the rest of your life awaits you

group hug for all those here💖

Wishing you all the best OP

Courage. For the love of God, don't fall in with his plan that you can be his occasional shag while he's looking for another woman who will house him and his three kids. You're so much better than him.

You're doing well OP. Got through day one! Keep going.

guilt ridden ones about how much money he is wasting furnishing the flat
Didn't he say you were only bothered about money? What's that thing again about how people accuse others of what they're guilty of themselves? 🤔

Wants you to get married = 'be my wife and do all the wifework'

Have a good evening and keep grey rocking!

I thought I would add, I have known people in their 20s say they are too old to find someone now/who would want them now etc. You are most likely thinking “that’s not old, they shouldn’t feel like that” - please believe the people that are saying the same to you!

Just because something (or someone?) has made you feel that way doesn’t make it true and others can see that even if you can’t right now. Of course, you don’t need someone to make you happy and I’m not suggesting that, but I just hope you don’t shut that possibility off in your own mind simply because of low self esteem.

I almost said on the previous thread that he'll probably still be up for casual sex so you could probably still have that if you do still fancy him. And he's said exactly that. Honestly he sounds like an absolute arse.

Facebook marketplace is very cheap for furniture. Aren’t the children’s beds at yours theirs?

OP I’ve read both your threads and not commented till now. I wanted to echo what others have said - huge well done; you’ve been really brave in making this decision and you come across as a lovely, considerate person.
I think your ex did love you and find you attractive - I don’t think he got with you just because of the house, however I suspect he’s quite a selfish and lazy man and puts his needs first, at the detriment of everything else. He took you for granted and, despite you pointing out repeatedly what you needed, he focused only on what he wanted.
He just wasn’t good enough and his behaviour and attitude reflected that - he couldn’t be bothered to be a partner, got complacent and didn’t care enough to do anything about it, until it was too late.
His selfishness is really showing itself now in his behaviour towards you and, in time, you’ll see that it was a lucky escape - his ‘usual’ behaviour just wasn’t good enough and he couldn’t be bothered to be the best version of himself after the initial part of your relationship. If you decide to enter another relationship in the future you deserve someone who will want to give you their best most of the time because they care enough about you to want you to be happy.

Someone on the last thread predicted he'd offer marriage. Only took him 24hrs.

These men are just SOOOOOOOOO predictable. Losers.

I've read both your thread Op. You're doing awesome. I hope you're having a great night with friends.

As an aside, I had an excellent counsellor, I went when my DD was 6 months old as thought I had PND. Turns out I'd got a shit ton of unresolved childhood issues and a very crap marriage where I appeared to have married a milder version of my abusive dad by mistake. My DD is now 13, and I still occasional pop back for a session for specific things (ie my mum died suddenly!) . If you want a recommendation at some point in future let me know. I credit her with helping me completely change my life (and she never thought my now ExH was amazing, she thought he was a dickhead). I appreciate it may not be on your agenda now or never, but I just wanted to let you know there are some awesome ones out there and having a recommendation may help.

I do think he will switch shortly to taking up your offer of dating again and spending weekends with you as you originally wanted, he will see this as his way of getting back in with the kids. You need to think of that's what you want as well. I know originally you wanted to keep dating him if you could, but that was prior to his behaviour this week.

Enjoy your new life with your lovely boy. And your dog.

good for you op

its telling he wants to marry you even though thats not somthing you ever wanted

He has said he’ll give me time but ultimately wants us to get married and all be a family.

That’s great. Tell him that when he’s in a position to offer you and your DS a lovely, clean and calm, rent free home, where he - not you carries the mental load, then you might feel in a much better position, as equals, to consider it.

I know you know it’s over OP, -now that you’ve seen him for what he truly is.
It’s impossible to unsee the flaws.

But please realise you are actually doing him a favour if only he would get off his lazy backside. He’s still young, he can now start to use his good judgement to make plans for the financial stability of his three children.
He was far too over-reliant on you and far too cavalier with your money!

He must have felt your resentment but was far too lazy to do anything about it.
Now he’s got no choice. If he wants to do right by his children he will have to start working at making his own sensible plans instead of using you.

All the same, it’s still sad for you right now as you grieve the loss of the man you fell for.
Good luck!

Relish the peace and freedom, - you and your boy both deserve it.

I love how Manoshere types throw "old cat lady" in as an insult without considering, if they are all so available and willing why we are choosing cats over them?

I dont have pets as I am not a fan, but I am happily perma-single. Its not because I cant find a man, its because I dont want one! Whats available is not good enough for me, so I will stay single thanks.

If they think that they are so great, with their lack of jobs, lack of housing, lack of accountability and looooong list of demands, why dont we want them? Its hilarious really that they cant work that out.

That was me.
He's gone from insulting the OP and trampling on her boundaries, then he offers marriage.

Sigh.