Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

Of course not and that's not what I said.

Agreed.
You're just derailing the thread now @BeaRightThere

It's pretty telling that this guy's first response to OP telling him to leave was to say he'd find someone else.

He's not devastated that OP is leaving his life. He's just sorry that his comfy setup is being taken away, and is only now realising that it's going to take him an annoying amount of time and effort to woo, cajole, and trick another woman into serving him and his children as well as OP did.

There are a lot of men who are users, parasites, and at worst predators out there. That's why the terms "cocklodger" and "hobosexual" resonate with many women.

She wanted him to step up and make it work, but deep down she knew he wouldn’t (and she was right based on the disgusting things he has said since). It wasn’t her who couldn’t compromise. Compromise doesn’t mean “tolerate anything and everything for the sake of a man”.

She said her son is relieved.

I think you've missed a lot of OP's posts. He moved in quickly and even though he knew she had her son all the time, thought her son should live there less. His kids are competitive with her son and one openly dislikes him.

It's a form of cuckooing and that's one of the many reasons why OP was ending the relationship. She even said in her previous thread that was one of her concerns and it sounds like a valid one.

I think it’s regional, I absolutely hate that word and I can honestly say I’ve never used it on my 40 something years on the planet…
My friend from up North uses it as she would any other swear word but it’s not something I would accept being called by my DH in an argument.

Not one bit surprised at your son being relieved.
He loves you so would want to protect you with his response, but his relief is what you should really take as true.
In secondary school he will be sk grateful for the calm home.
Well done you.

Half my family is from “up north” and my nana would not allow swearing of any kind in her house. So it’s more personal than regional I think.

I know it doesn’t feel great right now, and that’s okay.
Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel everything that’s coming up.
What you’re doing is setting healthy boundaries and that takes strength.
I’m really proud of you. You’ve chosen to put yourself and your son first, and that matters more than anything.

You have done so well OP
It's hard when people in here can see so clearly what the situation was and you can't
But nothing happens immediately. It's a slow slow process.
One day you just wake up and realise you are no longer happy but you can't always pinpoint when it changed.
I'm glad your son feels relieved.
Very soon you are both going to enjoy your house and time there so much more.
Well done !!!

I agree that a compromise was possible and that it's a shame it couldn't be found. I can see how OP tried to compromise, by, for example, getting a cleaner in at her own expense to deal with the mess caused and not cleaned up by the stepkids. From what I have read, her partner either 'wouldn't hear of it' or had some reason why, in response to her suggestions or requests, he couldn't change things. No compromise offered on his partner. And that's why they are where they are.

She didn’t end the relationship, he did.

HTH

@PithyBeaker
I'm in awe of you, that must have been exceptionally hard and will be for a while.
Once the dust has settled you will be so pleased you were brave enough to do it.

Keep going and be very aware he will keep trying to chip away and emotionally blackmail you, because this man definitely knows where his bread is buttered.

He has no regard for your boundaries and no respect for you.

If he changes tack and promises to "do better" or some such BS, stick to your "No".

People come as a total package, and unfortunately, his total package includes enough unacceptable wankery that no matter how much good stuff there is, it’s just not worth it. You have clearly made the right decision for yourself and your child.

To say he’s only open to a casual relationship after you said, in your last thread, you didn’t think he’d be on the lookout for someone new? It’s so painful but I hope that does put into perspective that what he needs is a nanny with a fanny, and in his eyes, you’ve resigned and he now has a vacancy. Sending lots of love and support. It’ll sting but you’ll feel better in no time. Xx

In 34 years with my partner he has never called me a cunt. Ever. Not even called me a bitch. And I have been difficult, challenging and driven him up the wall (along with our two AuDHD kids). This man was NOT a nice man. OP is well rid.

from a person who vehemently does not hate the men in her life.

Please stay strong @PithyBeaker xx

To be fair, he has chosen to end it not OP.

If you follow the posts properly, OP hasn't ended the relationship regardless of any pressure or man-hating. She just asserted her boundaries and he ended it:

He is dumping me. I have said I still want to continue the relationship living separately. He only wants the kind of relationship where “we live together and share everything”

So your subsequent post extolling the benefits of compromise is pointless, because he is incapable of it. OP constantly compromised and he wouldn't and still won't. He doesn't want the relationship, he wants the house and all those benefits for him and DC. To frame this as some over-reaction and all about the cunt stuff is completely out of the context with two long and detailed threads. If you truly think it could have been worked out in any way that would've been to the OP's advantage, then we're reading some very different threads to you.

But anyway, she hasn't felt pressured to end anything by any man-haters, so yours concerns are unfounded.

In fact his only offer of a compromise was the open relationship with her as a casual shag on the side while he found another woman to house him. I'm not sure what it is about that makes you think this is salvagable @BeaRightThere. I'm not a man-hater at all, but this one sure doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

OP, I think you have been amazing. I posted on your first thread, but then realised you had started this one - I just wanted to say that having three of someone else’s children, 50% of the time, is a very tall order. Even in the most fantastic relationship with a realistic financial arrangement. It’s just too many children, staying too often.

I suspect it could be some time before he finds a woman who is willing to house them all. And remember - he is only prepared to be exclusive if accommodation is offered …

He had a hidden agenda before he met you, an attractive woman with her own home who would be so enamoured by his charm would let him move in quickly believing she had met her soul mate.
If he cant manipulate and wear you down so he can move back in with you, he will be on the hunt with the same hidden agenda.
He has even told you as much with his talk of finding someone else now he can’t live in your home, someone who will share everything with him.

Maybe your DC thought that you wanted DP and his DC staying there so he went along with what he thought made you happy, but infact it has all been getting your DC down to.

Have some mum and DC time, just the two of you in your own home doing what you both want to do be it splodged out infront of the TV or enjoying the out doors together going home knowing it'll be peaceful and tidy.

“We can change” not “I can change”. That says it all. He is not taking any responsibility here which means he hasn’t any interest in working things out unless he can guilt trip and bully you back into doing what he wants.

Stay strong, OP. You have been amazing. I promise - from personal experience and that of many friends too - that in a year’s time you will look back and your only regret will be not doing this sooner.