I have read both threads and I must say I am incredibly proud of you. I see many startling similarities to my own story.
15 years ago i met a man, exceptionally handsome and charming. Much like you, I was talked into allowing him and his 2 children to move in with me and my 3. All under 7 at the time. Much like you I had a successful career and owned a beautiful 4 bed house. Much like you I was a fantastic mother.
Once in, he started to change. Niggling about bills, money, my children, my job. My mental health became worse and worse, my resources both financial and mental were both mostly spent on him. Like your son, my children said they were fine etc. He was also verbally abusive with name calling, Negging and sarcastic cruel humour at my expense.
After 5 years I kicked him out. I was exhausted, depleted, i felt neglected and sad. This is where it got BAD.
He started in with hundreds of texts, alternating between charm, rage, and begging. I engaged with this, spending days and days looking at nothing but my phone. My work was neglected as were my children. He eventually wore me down and he moved back in.
This cycle repeated many, many more times over the next six years, getting shorter and shorter in duration. Each time he moved back in, once the charm offensive was over, he punished me. I spent much of my life engaging in these text wars, I was eventually signed off from work due to various stress related illnesses, and I was not the amazing mother I had been.
After 11 years, I ended up in hospital for 12 days. Came out with a diagnosis of an autoimmune disorder, bought on by unrelenting stress over many years. I was unable to work, unable to drive, unable to do much of anything.
At this point, he dumped me for good. His appliance was completely beyond repair.
I lost my house and was very luckily removed into a council bungalow where I remain. I am badly disabled, need a wheelchair, suffer with immense pain, my eyesight is failing, my kidneys are messed up. My hands are next to useless. 2 of my 3 children have gone no contact with me and I absolutely do not blame them.
I never EVER thought my life at 54 would be this way. After tons of counselling I have had to make peace with myself and all the dreadful decisions I made to put myself here.
I am as contented as I can be, given my circumstances. But this is not where I wanted to end up.
My advice? Do not engage with him beyond practicalities. Do not even acknowledge his other messages.
Do not end up like me. I know my experience is extreme, my ex is a now diagnosed sociopathic narcissist and he was GOOD at what he did! But its a snapshot of what could be, nonetheless.