Shock dumping - why didn’t I see it coming?

[NoMumLeftBehindLiz]

I’m late 40’s, met him Online Dating, he had been single for a few years, no kids but married back in his 30’s. He is an open person, self-aware, caring, empathetic. We had a few coffee/dinner dates and decided to “be boyfriend and girlfriend”, went on holiday together, no love bombing, didn’t talk much about the future, were just enjoying getting to know each other over 5 months, good sex, he met a couple of my friends, felt healthier than any other relationship I’ve had. Then a text out of the blue to say his feelings had settled into friendship.
As it was such a short relationship, two months later I thought I would have moved on by now. I can’t stop thinking about it, trying to pinpoint the moment it changed or why I didn’t see it coming.
I’m re-reading text messages tonight and just cannot see anything that would be an indication. I’m resolved not to contact him.
How do you learn to trust people again when someone can shock you like this?

Who knows why people do what they do?

This is on him, not you, and trying to analyse it won't give you any answers, it will just make you more baffled.

You are sensible not to contact him and try to move on.

He's the loser here.

Thank you. Yes I would like to stop analysing it, but finding the world feels a touch more frightening when I say that “out loud”. Like if I could understand I could stop it happening again, which is, of course, nonsense.

It sounds like you had subconsciously planned more of a future together than you realised. The good thing in this is that you thought this man was a good one, and he was. He didn't love bomb you, and he told you when he felt that he couldn't progress your relationship past friendship. That's a positive thing. He hasn't wasted your time and he hasn't been insincere.

Yes I think you are right, I definitely liked him a lot and was hoping it would lead to a long term relationship, although it felt too early to know that for sure.
I think I expected someone to give me more “notice” that it was coming to an end so maybe I need to reframe that as “not wasting my time”.
I thought maybe getting angry with him would help me move on but maybe the anger is why I’m now a bit stuck.

Yes, I agree. Your judgement was sound. He respected and valued you enough to communicate clearly. He didn't ghost you, or lie to you.

I'm sorry it didn't work out as you hoped though.

Thank you. I am going to try to see the positives and work on letting the anger go. It may have served a purpose the week after it happened but I’m starting to think it isn’t serving me any longer.

This happened to me and it turned out that he was in an on-off relationship with another woman, and I got used whilst the other relationship was ‘off’.

If your situation is like mine btw, be prepared for him to suddenly be back saying how sorry he is.

Secretly I have been hoping he would get back in touch to say he has made a terrible mistake 😬…and he did have an ex still on the scene (they shared a dog). However I think @Lougle is right, I think he was one of the good guys. I will let you know though @MyTrivia if you are proved right.

The relationships including friendships which end with no warning are often the hardest to move on from.

I'm currently getting over the shock of a friendship ending, unexpectedly. I've deleted all our messages. It stops me wondering what I could have done differently. It's on them OP not us.

Is he a similar age to you? If so, late forties, never had children, doesn't want them?

Often with men at this stage in their lives, they are looking for connection not cohabitation. In seeking a woman in her late 40s with her own career, house, life, and children, they think they have found a woman that is looking for companionship, nice dates, long conversations, and weekends away - which is what they are seeking.

You were looking for a different type of relationship. Perhaps that's why he bowed out? It stings especially when you think you've found a keeper, but just try to get a feel of where their heads are in future perhaps.

This was a him issue not a you issue. Stop over analysing things because you’ll never get the answers you’re looking for.

People are complicated creatures and who knows what he’s been through or experienced to make him act the way he has. But the fact is he has acted like this and all you can do is choose how you react back.

Dont take it as a reflection on yourself or feel it’s anything you did. Try and see the positives that actually you were able to find someone that you connected with and that means there’s a good chance you can again.

It’s likely he had unresolved feelings for someone else, possibly the ex, and they decided to get together. I presume he was still meeting her regularly because of the dog? It’s probably nothing to do with anything you did or said, but there’s also nothing you could have done.

He may come back if his relationship falls into the old patterns that broke them up in the first place, but then you hopefully won’t want him by then.

@Marymary24 That’s a brave step. I should probably delete our chat too. Can I ask how long ago it ended?

@FrauPaige He was mid fifties. I would have been happy with just seeing him at weekends, did not want to cohabit (SEN DC who doesn’t like change so would have been near impossible anyway) but not sure we ever discussed this so he may have thought I wanted that though. Now I think about it, he may have deflected a bit when I was trying to get a feel of where his head was at but it felt too early to push for that?

@DaisyChain505 Agree that I need to see the positives more but the idea of connecting with someone again seems so impossible right now, surely I will spend the entirety of any new relationship anxiously awaiting another shock dumping?

Did you have a chat about it when he said he didn’t want it to continue, or was it more that he said it was over and that was that. Is it perhaps that you feel you’ve not had sufficient ‘right to reply’ to talk it over with him and ask questions about what happened for him? If it is this, I can understand it. Feeling like you’ve just been cut off when it previously felt like you were both tentatively building something intimate tighter can feel like a big blow. It’s a big deal opening yourself back up to relationships, even if they are moving slowly/no plans etc. I’m not surprised that you’re still reeling from it when it sounds like you were allowing yourself to trust and open and like him.

but ultimately it has ended, and the best thing you can do for you is re- gather your energies and identify what you liked about the relationship, to clarify what you are seeking going forwards.

If it feels like you didn’t get adequate opportunity to respond to him, maybe write ‘him’ a letter (that you won’t send) but to get down on paper everything that you want to say to him. It sounds like you need to find a way of resolving this inside yourself, and this can be a cathartic exercise.

@MayaPinion Yes they met weekly for dog handovers! She left him for reasons I never quite understood but he was adamant he would never go back. I know this will seem like a drip feed but he did take her to hospital 10 days before he ended our relationship and stayed there all evening instead of coming to my friend’s birthday party. At the time he said he only stayed in A&E with her because she had left her phone behind so he couldn’t get hold of anyone else to sit with her. I am 95% sure this is true. He was never rude or disparaging about her but very clear he didn’t enjoy having to speak to her at the handovers and was concerned she was neglecting the dog at times.

@WhyWouldSomeoneDoThat Yes it was a text message and no chat. I asked a friend to read it and she said it was was very clear and no ambiguity so there seemed little point in trying to talk to him about it. I do feel as though I would like to ask questions but I am afraid of the answers. What if he tells me the reason was something about me that I already dislike about myself, I think it could solidify damage to my self-esteem.

Edited: Seen your second message - yes a letter I don’t send might be cathartic and feels safer.

@NoMumLeftBehindLiz

Mid fifties would make him the textbook age for men to be seeking a forever girlfriend, living apart. Some will withdraw when they get the impression that intentions aren't aligned. When you say you had been hoping it would lead to a long term relationship, what would that have looked like?

@FrauPaige
I thought that for the next few years we would spend weekends and holidays together, I didn’t really think beyond that. I thought it would be nice to have him consistently in my life, learning more about each other and supporting each other (he was already very supportive if I was going through anything). I think maybe I fantasised about living closer to each other ( we were 1hr drive apart) but not living in the same house!
I did say something to him the last time I saw him like “does it bother you that you can’t meet my DC” and he said “no”. I don’t know why I asked that really because I know it was absolutely right for him not to meet them at such an early stage and that he had no interest in meeting them. I wonder now if that got him thinking that I wanted more than he did long term.

He met someone he preferred. Sorry, but it's always that simple.

Try not to worry too much about little things you said. Ultimately, one of the pillars of a good relationship is communication. And if he ran away with an idea he firmed after a throwaway comment you made, without checking in with you, or even stating what he wanted/didn’t want going forwards then that isn’t great on his part. To get cold feet and throw something lovely away without exploring or clarifying with you first isn’t great behaviour in his part. Try not to let these ruminations lead to you silencing yourself going forwards. If your comment worried him he should have lightly brought it up again for clarification, not just ended it outright.

I wouldn’t be surprised. My ‘story’ went on and on. Eventually, in one of the phases when the relationship was ‘on’ I got pregnant accidentally. Both of us were quite old so this was a shock. At that point, the other woman binned him off for good and I only found out about the whole thing after our child was born. At the time it was so confusing. He’d be telling me he loved me one week and gone the next. Then 3 months later he’d be back…

He has another woman. That’s the reason and it’s nothing to do with you at all so don’t blame yourself or question yourself why you didn’t see it coming.
You just can’t protect yourself from it. It’s the pain of loving someone. You take the risk of them doing this.

He met someone else. It’s hurts. He might be back but would you ever trust him again? I wouldn’t. I’m so sorry x

Yes. It is always that simple.