Is it a mistake to be with a man who earns less?

[SofiaJessica4]

Time and time again I have seen men quietly (or not so quietly) hold resentment when their wives earn more at work. Even where it's not significantly more!

This translates passive aggressive comments, small digs, the inability to fully celebrate wins, insecurity, even cheating. I've personally had this on a small scale in previous relationships; also on my observations with friends. It's never large scale or crystal clear resentment, but it seems to be there hovering in the background. Nothing you say or do seems to reassure these men or make them genuinely feel better.

I have no real issue being the breadwinner, other than it may impact my lifestyle if I have to carry my partner depending on their income. I'm still willing to do it. What I don't want to do is commit to a dynamic where I'm secretly hated, as that never works. For women like me, if we just look for men in a similar position to ourselves, emotionally, financially etc, that really limits options and cuts out potentially amazing relationships.

I know we always say, well if the guy has good self esteem it shouldn't matter. How common is that though, for a guy to be in that dynamic and genuinely be secure? I'm starting to feel like those internalised messages about what it means to be a man are so deeply embedded they're impossible to really escape.

Have you seen this dynamic where there is resentment? What about when there isn't and it does work?

I earnt more than my husband and my daughter earns way more than her husband and it has never been an issue for any of us. I think it’s do with how you approach life. How outdated it is to have the man be the “breadwinner” and equally this “head of the household”.

I came here to say exactly this. I've always been the breadwinner and it didn't bother either of us until we had kids.
Then I'll of a sudden im the breadwinner and "the mum" (=the childcarer, organiser, cleaner, teacher, therapist.. )

I’ve always earned more than DH. But he has always been hugely supportive and great about it. I don’t think it has affected our relationship at all.

I earned significantly more than DH for 20 years. It never caused us any issues. My career has been in areas where you push hard and then flame out. His has been a slow steady build. He now earns more than me. Which means I can go part time and focus on the kids like I want to.

in a true partnership, it shouldn’t matter.

So heres my experience. 50s, no children, second marriage/serious relationship. I out earn him by a considerable amount. Not a stealth boast, but Im pretty rolling in it right now - I run my own business. He does too but it doesn't bring in much. Enough for the basics but not much spendy money.

When we got together I was the same as him. But we both have a huge passion for what we do, and both have a strong work ethic. We both absolutely love our work. I dated for a long time and I realised I didn't care what someone did, or how much they earnt, just as long as they loved what they do - and I have that with him. Everything is fab between us.

However, if I want to do dinners, holidays, weekends away etc then most of it I have to pay for. Hes just not able to fund that sort of lifestyle. Sometimes I get a little resentful that its all on me, but then I give my head a wobble. He works as hard - if not harder than me. He LOVES what he does. Same as me. I just got lucky that mine has turned out really lucrative - it may not always be that way. He is also immensely proud of me and my biggest cheerleader. He doesn't expect me to pay for anything. He tries to 'treat' me when he can. So far he has never shown any signs of jealousy or resentment - nothing but pride actually.

We aren't married and all our finances are separate (we live together though) so I think if we were married I would just see it as all one pot. But we aren't there yet....

Same with me as a guy I dont care at all who earns more.

As someone who earns close to 6 figs, it would potentially be an issue if they were on min wage as there is a lifestyle clash maybe, and for me travel is important and they may not afford it, but if everything else was good dont think it would matter.

In a funny way, I would love someone to earn more than me - better options for both (large combined income) and FWIW I would love to take a backseat career wise if that was the option and spend more time around the house

That dynamic — where the woman is the main breadwinner — doesn’t work for everyone. It takes a particular kind of man to feel comfortable, happy, and able to thrive in that situation. From the people who’ve said it does work well, there are consistent themes about the type of man who fits naturally into that dynamic:

1. Someone with high self‑esteem that isn’t tied to money
2. Someone whose identity isn’t defined by their job
3. Someone who genuinely respects a woman’s success
4. Someone with a collaborative, team‑focused mindset (including domestic work and childcare)
5. Someone with a strong sense of self outside of work
6. Someone who isn’t insecure about traditional gender roles

So choose wisely. I’ve also seen situations where this role reversal hasn’t worked, leading to the kind of ongoing conflict and resentment you mentioned — and in some cases, even divorce. A relationship with this dynamic is unlikely to work with a man who has been socialised into very traditional or rigid gender roles. The person generally needs to be more open and liberal‑minded for it to function well.

What is insane about this is that, by default, if the woman is not the higher-earner then the man is. And NO-ONE is having conversations about whether women have the right aptitude or have to be particularly open-minded or liberal to be the lower-earner. Mental.

I disagree that is works best when one is career driven and the other family orientated.

i think that puts a lot of pressure on both parties- one to earn, the other to take on home responsibilities. If the earner is made redundant, gets ill or can’t work, then what? I also think the dc suffer for not having an equal relationship with both parents because one is at work all the time.

dh and I share work and home. Means he sees as much of the kids as I do, takes them to the dr’s, watches nativities.

work wise again we’re reasonably equal, although I do earn more. My career is more stable, his is an industry where he’s self employed and goes job to job. My stability and decent income means he has been able to take more risks, if he doesn’t get a contract it’s not the end of the world, and he’s been able to build up his business because of that.

dh appreciates my job and that it gives him the freedom to follow his career and work life balance. Yes I am generally the higher earner but I don’t have the pressure to stay in jobs I hate. We have both needed sabbaticals at points and that is possible because I earn well, but also that he has continued with his career. The kids appreciate that we are well off and stable because of my job, but that dh funds a lot of our living style.

This is spot on.

it’s also great to see so many responses from those that earn more say it makes no difference, I’m not entirely sure why OP believes men who earn less will be resentful.

the issue arises if the man is lazy, has no aspirations and the difference in salary effects each others lifestyle - ie 25k minimum wage vs 80k - one will generally prefer nice meals out, nice clothes and decent holidays whilst the lower earner won’t be able to afford these things.

Yes. Men inherently do not like being out earned.

Yes this.

It’s only an issue if either of them make it an issue snd if they do they’re not suited and one of them is probably an asshole tbh!!!

I agree with others that it's when you have kids that things become more problematic.

The model where women take charge of caring responsibilities is very ingrained. Anecdotally, I don't know any relationships with kids, where the man plays the primary role in child and house management. Regardless of earnings. That's where resentment comes in - men wanting to continue with the status quo, and women wanting to change it because the 'male breadwinner' part no longer applies, but 'female caregiver' hasn't changed.

My advice would be to have very detailed conversations if you're thinking about having kids. Specifics of who would do what, not just 'we'll both help out'. I didn't - and it took a long time to address the imbalance that just seemed to naturally occur after having DC.

Smithey588

the issue arises if the man is lazy, has no aspirations and the difference in salary effects each others lifestyle - ie 25k minimum wage vs 80k - one will generally prefer nice meals out, nice clothes and decent holidays whilst the lower earner won’t be able to afford these things.

it doesn’t mean someone is necessarily lazy if they don’t have aspirations and they earn mw, they might love their job but it may not have prospects and people on mw work as hard as people on higher wages, I’m mw in a shop, I’ve a friend who’s a veterinary nurse she’s mw, I’ve friends in childcare mw- we like our jobs and work the same hours as our friends who have high salaries

Why doesn’t this apply to men who are higher earners?

if the woman is the lower earner and cannot afford holidays and nice meals out?

I earn more than my husband and he works really hard, and much longer hours. It’s never been an issue and I am really fortunate he is very supportive of my job, as I am of his. However I did go back full time after my 3rd child, for various reasons including me wanting to afford a better lifestyle for my children than I had.
my husband and I don’t really discuss our salaries, it’s not an issue for us. We both prioritise our family and share the family workload. I actually think he’s quite proud of what I have accomplished.

I am unambiguous and my dh is driven. Works for us but would I be happy were it the other way round? Perhaps if I loved what I did, but I’m not sure.

*unambitious!

We both work FT, have DC, I earn 3x. DP is generally good at supporting m, though it’s definitely not 50/50 at home, he will do the obvious chores and picks those up when I work late / am exhausted and struggling to function (stressful role).

I find the pressure that comes with this quite difficult tbh. I wouldn’t say I’m default parent but my DC always defer to me first, and I do all life admin, pay the important bills (DP contributes a specific monthly amount), do all the driving, generally it’s me that makes our lives both functional and fun! If DP earned more than me it would be a weight off tbh, all the financial planning also sits with me and I’m the driving force behind savings and investments etc…

Reading this back, it’s no wonder im shattered!

It does - hence why I said if one earns and not if she earns.