Is it a mistake to be with a man who earns less?

[SofiaJessica4]

Time and time again I have seen men quietly (or not so quietly) hold resentment when their wives earn more at work. Even where it's not significantly more!

This translates passive aggressive comments, small digs, the inability to fully celebrate wins, insecurity, even cheating. I've personally had this on a small scale in previous relationships; also on my observations with friends. It's never large scale or crystal clear resentment, but it seems to be there hovering in the background. Nothing you say or do seems to reassure these men or make them genuinely feel better.

I have no real issue being the breadwinner, other than it may impact my lifestyle if I have to carry my partner depending on their income. I'm still willing to do it. What I don't want to do is commit to a dynamic where I'm secretly hated, as that never works. For women like me, if we just look for men in a similar position to ourselves, emotionally, financially etc, that really limits options and cuts out potentially amazing relationships.

I know we always say, well if the guy has good self esteem it shouldn't matter. How common is that though, for a guy to be in that dynamic and genuinely be secure? I'm starting to feel like those internalised messages about what it means to be a man are so deeply embedded they're impossible to really escape.

Have you seen this dynamic where there is resentment? What about when there isn't and it does work?

Its not about the money is it? Its about relationship dynamics ...from both sides.

Sometimes it's smarter. It means that it makes more sense for you to continue working than them after kids..

What time of life are you talking about?

Presumably before children?

I earn x3 more than my DH. my sister earns x2 more than my BiL, my best mate earns x3 more than her DH.

I have always earned more -DH is fabulous at his job, it’s just not a high paying industry. He is my biggest cheerleader, he takes the lead at home when I’m flat out at work (otherwise its fairly equal). My BiL and mates DH are also really proud of their wives, my BiL dropped his hours to support the kids school picks up so my sister could excel.

I have never come across any of what you have experienced - my DH is happy, secure in himself and has no concerns about telling friends I earn more (if they ask).

Edited to say - Sorry not sure why this has posted twice!

I am 52 and earn x3 more than my DH. my sister earns x2 more than my BiL, my best mate earns x3 more than her DH.

I have always earned more -DH is fabulous at his job, it’s just not a high paying industry. He is my biggest cheerleader, he takes the lead at home when I’m flat out at work (otherwise its fairly equal). My BiL and mates DH are also really proud of their wives, my BiL dropped his hours to support the kids school picks up so my sister could excel.

I have never come across any of what you have experienced - my DH is happy, secure in himself and has no concerns about telling friends I earn more (if they ask).

This is not the ‘norm’ it’s entirely dependent upon the man and how secure he is within himself. My husband has been the lower earner for most of our 13 years together and I couldn’t have achieved half of what I have without him, he is always there cheering me on 100%. He, very recently, became the higher earner.

The guy I was with before him was completely insecure and absolutely used to take pot shots at me to try and make me feel small so he felt bigger… which is why he’s my ex and we never would have got married!

My husband and I have had periods of being the higher earner. He’s had more time above me, but at the moment he’s earning less. We were both hit by redundancy last month and rather than sit at home he’s taken a ‘summer job’ which depending on how we both get on may last longer, it’s just at half the salary he’s used to. We both have a drive to work and consider our income joint so it doesn’t really matter who earns more, we’re out there bringing it in and budgeting accordingly. He also does far more than his share of running the home and childcare, we really do seem to be a great team.

I don’t think it’s as black and white as saying if a man earns less he will be resentful. I’ve seen multiple different situations with the woman earning more and it’s caused issues for different reasons
In one case it was cultural - the man didn’t work at all and they both moved to a different country from their homelands. He looked after kids , she had the high paying job lots of hours. He was upset by that and used to demand she leave earlier and come home and do all the evening routine, cook dinner etc. He never wanted to work and never made an effort to make new friends etc as it was very hard. They broke up.
Another friend both her and hb had similar qualification and then experience. However after 3 rd child he changed career to allow more flexibility with kids and ran a small business. She doesn’t think he does the things with the kids she would expect or if it was her and as he doesn’t earn as much it really frustrates her. Lots of resentment though still together.

Husband and I earn similar but he gets bigger bonuses. My role is more senior but at his work they pay better! I remember when I got a promotion him saying I better not earn more than him. A colleagues husband at work has also joked in the same way. If I moved jobs I could probably earn more. But I’m happy with my flexibility. When challenged he will say he is just joking he would love me to earn more than him or so he could sit at home. I do believe that but I also think he his ego at work does matter in term of pay and recognition whereas I’m not so bothered. Personally now I would be more than happy to have been a kept woman! I sit here wondering after all that education and years of work what other type of life I could have had . I would never want to be poor though and working always gave me independence and choices.

I make double what my husband does. He’s quite happy, it isn’t because he isn’t applying himself - it’s because front line rescue services are woefully underpaid.

Bloke here, never been or would it be an issue for me, I like independent bright women, I find Professor Hannah Fry incredibly attractive & not only does she undoubtedly out earn me by a huge amount she's also ridiculously cleverer than me, or indeed the vast majority of the population too.

An interesting one for discussion would perhaps be a professional or very skilled female fighter & how that would sit with most men if they are not equipped with that calibre of skills. It's the reverse scenario most women have vs men with the strength & size disparity, & I wonder how it would be the other way round.

I have always been the higher earner, and it’s certainly never been an issue. We both had a stint at working part time to look after DS too.
The main thing I’ve struggled with in recent years is not the financial gap, but the mental load of doing the majority of the caring, school stuff, hospital appointments etc (DS is AuDHD and has an EHCP), so on top of having my own aging parents needs, perimenopause, and working full time I burnt out last year.

DH was made redundant at the end of the summer and took a few months out to take over some of the things I was always doing. He’s working again now, and doing all of the cooking, and gets DS ready for school everyday - he very much looked for a role that had more flexibility than the last so that we can work better as a team.

I think my DH would be delighted if I earned significantly more than him. At the moment we’re neck and neck with odd pay increases here and there. But he wouldn’t be emasculated by it, he’d be too busy buying golf clubs and booking the green

I have always out earned my husband and now I'm retired I have a very decent pension ,which is much better than his will ever be .He's been my greatest supporter and I doubt I could have achieved my career without his whole hearted support. He really has just mucked in totally in parenting, housework and mumsnet favourite the mental load. I'm really proud of what he's achieved and how much of a difference people say he makes to young people's life ,but the money is rubbish. Thats just how it is .

I met my now DH 9 years ago. I out earned him whilst working part time.
Fast forward to now, and i helped him get through a teaching degree. I'm still part time. He out earns me now.
Not once have either of us had the slightest bit of resentment. We both have professional careers, but work to live, not the other way around. Neither of us want to climb the greasy pole. I guess we met our equal I suppose!

Higher earner for over 20 years. Married 27 years this year. I’m now retired to become full time carer - he’s still full time. No issues, always had full support

It's really lovely to hear from all the responses that people are in healthy, functioning marriages. I've seen so much dysfunction that I forget that exists!

Totally depends on the guy in my experience.

With my ex it was a constant competition. When I out earned him, there would be never ending snide comments about how I managed it, remarks and an assumption I would pay for everything when we were out. Untill he would get a pay rise, then it would stop.
It was not just salary he done this with though, same deal if we ever done anything that together that was or could be measured. If I "won" he's sulk and go in a mood about it when ever it was brought up.

My current partner however is the total opposite.
We started off earning similar and he was always generous with his time and money.
He then had to take a lowered paid job, is fine with it and still occasionally buys me thoughtful gifts just because he felt like it.
Now I earn nearly three times what he does, and he has not changed at all. Still take me out to dinner, buys thoughtful little gifts, does as much around the house, if not more, than I do. He is incredibly supportive and proud of my achievements, just like I am with him.

I find it so refreshing that he doesn't treat money like a competition. We are lucky that we are not on the breadline, which I think helps. He is making moves to increase his earning, but that's second to his health, which I think is totally right.

It’s a good twat filter tbh - anyone intimidated by it isn’t somebody I want to be in a relationship (or friendship, I’m married) with.

A couple of DH’s friends have made snide remarks over the years. I know it doesn’t bother DH at all.

However the other trap to avoid is a man who is very comfortable with you earning more, doing all the parenting, and doing all the housework - basically turning into their parent.

I was the earner. My H looked after house and daily admin inc cooking (no kids). No resentment either side.

I’ve earned about 40% more than my husband for the past ten years and prior to that we were on more or less equal salaries. He’s never been unsupportive or resentful. In fact I think he secretly likes it - less pressure on him!! I don’t think he will now ever earn more than me and I’m ok with that too. We’ve been together 25 years.

I earn more than my partner, I work 3 days a week he works full time. He hates his job but is struggling to get anything else. Is 50 so it’s not always easy. I don’t mind how much he earns at all, even if he were to do something that earns less than he does now. He doesn’t resent me, he just wishes he enjoyed his job more (or at all)

Exactly this, my son's father earnt less than me. It was a nightmare when I went back to work and I needed to be the breadwinner, mum, cleaner, meal planner, cook, household organiser...etc. I couldn't drop hours because we needed my wage. He earnt less than me anyway, plus often did less hours just because he could with no regard for the fact he was paid hourly. He resented when I was promoted, but he resented any achievements I had it wasn't about me earning more it was that he was a bad partner.

With my now husband I am still the breadwinner. We have a child together (so the child wasn't the issue previously) and it works. It works because he supports my achievements (and I his, just because he earns less doesn't mean his achievements shouldn't also be congratulated). He picks up the slack around the house and generally things are balanced, he does certain house/child tasks and I do certain ones. Others we share and there's no tally, sometimes it's 70/30, 50/50, 40/60 and there's no resentment.

The issue isn't the money, it's the relationship and the person.

I think the difference matters more when your children are tiny. Mat leave is expensive, women tend to pick up more of the slack and men often just don't see it while you're on maternity leave and get very grumpy about it when you go back to work and suddenly they have to do much, much more at home and change their work schedules too - or else you do. If you end up depending on the salary of a man who earns much less, it can add a significant stressor to your lives at a very stressful time.

That said, my children are teens/tweens now and while DH earned 10x my salary when the children were little, I'm about to out-earn him through a combination of some lucky career moves on my part and redundancy/temp work on his. And we both are happy with that - it allows him to slow down and take more relaxed contractor work which gives him more freedom and ability to be around for the children, and I'm able to power up at work knowing nothing at home is holding me back.

I think this can be an issue in some marriages. However it can be worked out if you are both reasonable people who love each other. It may take some sensitivity on both sides.
It’s not something that should stand in the way of starting a relationship, unless you yourself feel you would be unhappy as the higher earner. The rest of it is in the realm of speculation/being beyond your control.

If you are career-motivated as a woman, it can actually work best if you earn more, since it quells those voices (and there are many) that would have you step back once you have children. If you earn more you have a solid reason not to.

I earn 5x what DH earns but ironically he is more successful in a demanding career - it just pays a lot less. He doesn’t resent it at all and does his fair share with the kids and at home.

I have to say though that I increasingly resent the imbalance as I feel the stress is all on me. There is no option for me to cut back or take a less stressful job because my salary effectively pays for everything. I’m finding work very tough atm and it would be a lot easier if the burden was shared more equally with DH (also from a tax perspective we would be much better off). But none of that is his fault.