Is it a mistake to be with a man who earns less?

[SofiaJessica4]

Time and time again I have seen men quietly (or not so quietly) hold resentment when their wives earn more at work. Even where it's not significantly more!

This translates passive aggressive comments, small digs, the inability to fully celebrate wins, insecurity, even cheating. I've personally had this on a small scale in previous relationships; also on my observations with friends. It's never large scale or crystal clear resentment, but it seems to be there hovering in the background. Nothing you say or do seems to reassure these men or make them genuinely feel better.

I have no real issue being the breadwinner, other than it may impact my lifestyle if I have to carry my partner depending on their income. I'm still willing to do it. What I don't want to do is commit to a dynamic where I'm secretly hated, as that never works. For women like me, if we just look for men in a similar position to ourselves, emotionally, financially etc, that really limits options and cuts out potentially amazing relationships.

I know we always say, well if the guy has good self esteem it shouldn't matter. How common is that though, for a guy to be in that dynamic and genuinely be secure? I'm starting to feel like those internalised messages about what it means to be a man are so deeply embedded they're impossible to really escape.

Have you seen this dynamic where there is resentment? What about when there isn't and it does work?

Technically I earn more than DH on paper, but my income is fairly fixed whereas he has lots of opportunities to earn overtime and gets extra money from being ‘on call’ and he can volunteer for extra call if he wants to earn a bit more. So sometimes on a month to month basis he takes home more than me. Even if his income was always less than mine I don’t think he’d bother. Because he’s not an insecure with outdated ideas about who should earn more in a relationship.

No, it’s not a mistake to be with a man who earns less. It’s a mistake to put up with a fragile ego’d man baby who likes to throw tantrums and treat their partner badly, regardless of how much they earn 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thanks everyone!! So I think the issue is I have had relationships with men with insecurities, which makes sense as I have also had insecurities myself. One of them, I called out the off colour comment and they immediately course corrected and made it up to me which was something at least.

It sounds like the commenters here have healthy, stable marriages and that's what I want. I hope by working to be 'healthy' I will naturally filter out men who are not! I don't care about the money aspect really, I just want someone I get on with where it works

I think it’s a mistake to earn more (and likely work full time and in a more high pressured role) as woman, if your husband doesn’t pick up the slack at home. DH and I both have professional jobs and work hard but I earn 2/3 of our income. We’re a team and he pulls his weight and then some, for which I am always grateful.

I do have the odd moment where I think, if I were a man, I’d probably be able to get away with doing sweet FA around the house and with the kids, and no one would bat an eyelid because male breadwinners still seem to be able to get away with it.

I think it's very much dependant upon the other person. I have dated men who struggle because I earn more. I do wonder if this is due to being in my 50s and growing up where the man was the typical breadwinner. Then, other men have haven't cared less.
I will happily treat a man, but I have dated men who have earned significantly higher than me who it never once crossed their mind to treat me in the same way. This is a personality trait and was a disgruntling one at the time.

Have you seen this dynamic where there is resentment?

No

What about when there isn't and it does work?

Yes.
We've been happily married well over 30 years. I earned more than him for about the first 20 years

I think there’s a difference if they are in the same profession and one is much more successful than the other. But if the couple are in different careers with different pay then it’s something they need to think about. I know very successful female businesswomen who have husbands in creative or other lower paying careers. They accept it and it is often the male who takes a bigger role in the home in that they cut back their hours in order to do childcare. However if both equally ambitious yet pay is disparate then this could cause resentment.
It’s down the the individual and couple dynamic . I’ve seen it work. But it’s also hard to predict how one would feel to be in this position long term.

I'm the higher earner by about 3x than DH and it is a problem now we have a child. He does not resent it, that's not the issue. I resent HIM for his fucking fantastic life that I pay for.

The issue is that he doesn't pull his weight enough. I had a horrific pregnancy which caused health issues for life. My life and body changed beyond recognition and his hasn't. He's an OK partner and an OK dad but not great. Our child is 2 and I carry the entire mental load. He does about 25%, I do and think of 75%.

Being the higher earner, means I also work much longer hours in a more stressful job. I had to go back to work full time leaving a small baby at home.

So you can see how the problems add up.

If he was the higher earner and I could go part time, some of the issues would not arise. And I know lots of MNers are going to write about their fantastic husbands but in real life, every single woman I work with who has children has the exact same problem.

We just end up doing everything - the pregnancy, the childbirth, the childcare, the long hours, the earning, all the responsibilities.

If I had my time again, I wouldn't date a low earner.

My FIL made less than my MIL but it was she who made the passive aggressive comments and not him. She's a mean old bat, anyway, but I thought I'd point out that it's not always the men with the issue.

That said, if you need a man to be financially more able than you, it would definitely be a mistake to be with someone who earns less. A relationship should be a partnership and you can't be a partner with someone you resent or look down on, IMO.

I bring in 3-4x and it’s never been an issue for DH. Sometimes he thinks there should be more left at the end but there just isn’t.

I remember an old Reddit thread full of men discussing this. There were so many men who said it would be great if they could have a high earning wife so they could just relax and chill at home. Spend their spouse’s money and have a great time. There was very little acknowledgement of the work required to raise children and keep a household together.
So. Good example of how too many men wouldn’t do the domestic stuff if the traditional roles were reversed. There are reasons why it’s usually women who give up work or reduce hours or stop focussing on their careers.
It was my experience too. We were in the same job (met at work). Had three DC in 3 years and I went very part time for 7 years. I did everything. Then went back full time and within 5 years got two promotions and out earned him. He was not supportive and I remained the mainstay at home. Too common. He’s an ex now for the usual reasons.

I didn’t resent my ex’s earning or look down on him for it. I resented him not supporting my career in any way and being dismissive of my achievements whilst simultaneously being useless at home and cheating!

I earn more than my DP and it is not an issue - he is comfortable in his own skin, that's all it takes.

It's the inequality of partnership itself that matters not pay. When you have inequality of effort or thoughts or chores.

I've earned more than every partner since I turned 20. Never been a problem. What has been a problem is my partner not working at all, and refusing to help at home or with dog or with child for example.
I'm on number 2 husband now but though I earn more he has the skillset to keep us secure. Any trained monkey could replace me at work and I'd really struggle at my age if made redundant but my husband who is a very skilled aircraft engineer could get fired and still walk into another job in pretty much any country within a few hours (and has done so). That gives us security that I haven't got.

Same. I’ve always been the higher earner in our relationship. My husband has been fine with it. Why would it be good for a woman to limit her potential for the sake of the ego of a fragile man?

sometimes I have thought that I’ve paid more towards the mortgage or because he works anti social hours it’s limited my earning potential with kids, but only ever a fleeting thought. And he’s about to pay off our mortgage so I guess it’s evened out

No idea what you are talking about. I have always made more than DH, never been an issue with any of the things you have listed. Has never been an issue for me either.

i think you’re hugely over generalising. Always earnt more and had higher stress jobs, it’s a non issue. He has good motivation, he’s just in a different field and in a slower burn career that needs time. He pulls his weight round the house, with the kids and we respect each other. I wouldn’t pick a different set up, we both feel valued and a part of a real team. Our marriage isn’t perfect, no ones is, but we have a solid foundation of mutual trust and respect.

I second the suggestion by another poster above - the time it seems to all breakdown among my friends is when kids come along. The woman is earning twice as much in a more naturally intense job but the man won't even consider going to 4 days a week or doing 50% of the childcare/mental load (nevermind the more childcare that happens in many families where the woman underearns the man). The net result is the woman ends up taking a step back despite out-earning and 5 years in they are poorer as a couple but the woman is only earning 130% of the man (and somehow doing 75%+ of the childcare/mental load). I'm determined my son will grow up with a very different attitude. 4 examples i can think of in my friendship groups.

I earned slightly more from day 1 and twenty years on I earn nearly 5 times as much.

The idea that he would resent me for this just seems ludicrous. He's very happy with what I earn.

I probably also do more round the house but that's because I wfh so have no commute time and have a much more flexible job. Not related to earnings or sexes.

I earn quite a bit more than DH and it’s never been an issue for us. He’s a police officer and I have a corporate job in Tech so he’d never be able to match my private sector salary or bonus. But his pension is much better. What we do have in common is both have post grad degrees and went to top unis so there isn’t a disparity in that regard of life experience. DH has just always hated purely desk jobs or corporate life so was never going to enjoy traditionally well paid careers.

DH has never had a chip on his shoulder about it, though I did have an ex bf and ex H who struggled with earning less. We share our mortgage equally and put in equal amount of deposit into the house but I cover things like holidays and most of the bills/big payments (car purchase, white goods etc) as I want DH to have savings too like I do. We take turns with paying for outings and are 50:50 in housework. He carries the burden of things like driving as I don’t, garden, DIY and saved us lots of money by doing parts of our renovation himself. He fully supports my career and we’ve never argued over money. We are similar in being savers, not big spenders or relying on credit, and prioritising planning for the future which definitely helps with the trust element. If he had lots of debt or was reckless I don’t think I’d trust him the same.

I’m expecting our first child shortly and we are doing shared parental leave. Being the higher earner, makes sense for me to go back to work sooner but also give him the opportunity to do solo childcare. I’ve never wanted to be a SAHM so this is a good arrangement but I can see this being the only time him earning less would have been an issue for me.

We met in our mid 30s and both owned flats at the time. I have found this is often where men really struggle, if a woman owns property and they don’t. When dating, my preference was for a home owner as I met far too many men who seemed fine with my job but got very weird once they saw my home and were still renting.

Thinking about it, a lot of DH’s male colleagues in the police have higher earner corporate wives. It could be that it’s a job with a good opportunities they feel proud of, so the money isn’t an issue. Or maybe it’s just a sample of more well adjusted men in his network.

I do agree that a lot of men do struggle with higher earners though and feel lucky that DH isn’t like that. My dad earned less than my mum for similar reasons (and they were happily married till his passing!) so it’s a dynamic I’m just used to and prob feel most comfortable with.

I'm the higher earner by a substantial way. DH has never had any issue with this. Quite the contrary, actually - in the earlier stages of my career, he repeatedly encouraged me to go for things that I thought were out of my league. He has always been very proud of what I've achieved in my career.

I think many men would be quite happy for their partner to earn more because it takes off the financial pressure. I know many men who wish they could go part-time but can't afford to.
I'm sure there is still a fair number of men who feel threatened by a woman who earns more, but that's probably only one of many insecurities these men have.

I earn more than my DH, by about £20k. It's never been a thing.

I was only able to do my degree and masters because he supported us financially as a one-income family for years.

We both contribute in different ways.

He has no hangs ups about it at all. Would love me to earn more so he could become a house-husband!

My DH earns more than me now. In the past prior to DC, I earned more for a long time while he trained in his role. Personally, I have felt a bit untethered since returning to work after maternity leave and returned to full-time work within a year. I take on a lot more of the (unpaid) mental load. I wonder if maybe if I had the opportunity to be consistently applied to my job, I’d be the higher earner now. I would prefer to close the earnings gap a little more.

We are in it together too. I may need to see a career coach to place myself as best as I can for the next round of promotions and increase my pay.

I earn double what my husband does and he doesn’t resent it but I think he does sometimes comment that he needs to earn more to help contribute more (though we are 50/50 on day to day bills and expenses).

If we have children I imagine it will be more difficult as I will want to go part time but that will mean less money for the household. Him going part time would have a much lesser impact but realistically it’s what I want to do and he would be less keen on being a part time worker and part time sahp.

The flip side is that if women marry men with more earnings, it is often the case on here that the women have to take the hit on caring for children when sick, taking days off work to do that and going part time. It can stifle womens’ careers “as he earns more than me so his job is more important for the household” and leave them stuck, particularly if the marriage goes on to fail.

difficult either way.