Husband not happy with me

[Pyjamabanana16]

Hi everyone,

I’m new on here but I really would like to get some blunt and honest opinions. I’m kind of giving up on my relationship, I can’t see any way to fix things anymore. I don’t have many friends as I’m always busy with work, home and exhausted like all other mums. Any comments or home truths will be v appreciated. Thank you …

My husband has a very angry personality. He always has. He over reacts and makes a big deal out of what I think are small things. His whole demeanour and outlook (in my opinion) is very negative and lacks any kind of awareness that he also needs to put effort into his way of thinking if he wants to be happy or find happiness / things to be grateful for. I mean we can all decide to throw our hands in the air and bang on about how bad everything is. Or we can try to remind ourselves to be grateful for health, kids, house etc. that’s what I think anyway

Sorry for rambling. So I think he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. But he won’t go as I think he’s not 100 percent sure. He thinks I’m a horrible person and although he doesn’t say this when we have a small disagreement (I’m not sweet and perfect and always softly spoken but I calm down very quickly and explain why I reacted like I did/ and how I felt that made me react) he can go days acting like I’m the devil. For example the other day we argued about food, I said five words (angry and snappy yes) and it’s been five days now of listening to what’s wrong with me and “what my problem is”. Within five mins I came down, apologised for swearing, explaining I felt unappreciated. Hoping for some human ness from him to revive me and understand me. But his anger is self igniting, he spent all day being really really nasty even though I hardly spoke. Just coming to tell me what I am, how bad I am. He can just keep coming and verbally attacking me as though he just really hates me. I think he blames me for everything.

The other morning I was asking how work was and my “tone of voice” was wrong… I think not sweet enough as I had my walls up for how he’s spent last two days verbally running me into the ground, and he straight away said “you’re like a man. It’s like there’s a man inside you”. Which to me is like clear evidence he can’t stand me or anything I do and just hates me inside.

We both share kids with other people, and if I talk with my ex he’s on speaker, I’m just wandering around house being open with nothing to hide. I have no feelings for ex even though we speak on phone. When he used to speak to his kids mum, he goes outside and closes the door and speaks in garden with his daughter. Last night he brought up, “oh if I spoke with her as much as you speak with him… you couldn’t handle it” and my argument is all about openness. He says “oh if a partner told you not to ever touch his phone you couldn’t handle it”- well no I couldn’t and I couldn’t be with someone like that because I really value trust, openness, honesty, saying everything however good or bad. I always think telling the truth about everything is the biggest respect . And being secretive is the biggest disrespect.

He lied and he cheated at the beginning (with said ex) so already laid a foundation for mistrust. I was very pregnant so didn’t leave (and she lives abroad so they were playing happy families when he went there”. But he’s never been open when he’s done something wrong, never come to me to tell the truth, I’ve always had to be suspicious, feel like I’m nuts, gather evidence, and I’ve always had to pull it from him bit by bit. Which trust me I never enjoyed doing it’s just I think my gut feeling wouldn’t rest.

Even lying about smoking. It’s not the smoking that’s the issue, it’s the lying and hiding an mental deflection that breaks me down and then makes me mistrust him… because he’s shown he can’t be trusted so of course I can’t act towards him how he does towards me (who’s open always- maybe too much so sometimes).

He threw in my face the other day that he can’t meet friends or go out of the house as I’m super controlling. But never once has he said he wants to, and even won’t go to the shops with me as he works long hours and just wants to be home/ rest. But suddenly I’m being devil- ised for a scenario which has never even happen . He said “oh my work friend (male) asked me to go an eat and I had to say no because you’d go mad because you’re so controlling”. But i wouldn’t go mad. I wouldn’t care if I hadn’t made dinner for him. But id find it disrespectful if I’d made food for him. To me that’s normal. I just find the whole reaction to me weird . Like no matter what I do or don’t do, he just seems to put the blame on me for “how I am”.

I really want him to just find someone else who is sweet and kind and looks forward to him coming in from work and runs to greet him like an excited puppy. And doesn’t use the “tone” like me or be so unbearable as I apparently am.

I’m not perfect and I never really learnt how to do a perfect relationship. But I’m just me and I’m honest and open and I recognise why I react and explain it (if I snap or am rude for example). But none of that matters as he just seem to hate me and lay into me disproportionately.

He seem to have so much built up resentment for being “trapped”, and “controlled” but I didn’t trap him. I’ve always said just be honest and open and I’m not scared of the truth, like ever. It’s like he stays trapped just to justify releasing all his anger on me.

But always what will make me scared is feeling the other person is hiding something- it does make me insecure. And he’s shown he’s a hider , not open. And after him I don’t trust myself to be in another relationship. I have my amazing kids and I just can’t be with anyone else ever. I don’t have the trust to blindly give to another man. Both of my kids dads were married when I met them, both hid it, I found out about both when I was already heavily pregnant. Wow that sounds so disfunctional but yes the fact is I have a deep mistrust for men after this. Im not nuts, just any sign of none openness would set massive warnings off for me. Even once a therapist said to me “oh I don’t think you’ll ever trust a man after this” 😂 I think even she was shocked!!

Please help me, i love him which is how i think i see that he just needs to be with someone else. I’m not the one for him because i bring out the anger and hate. Maybe with someone else he’ll be a much lighter person, maybe even happy and relaxed and tbh I’d love to see him like that. I don’t think he’s bad inside, just broken. I’ve come to the realisation that he needs someone and something else in life, not me.

Even though my heart is honestly broken and I just keep crying for myself and the way my life has been pooped on by dishonest men. But hey ho, my kids are my favourite little people.

Thank you for your time and I’m sorry it’s been long. I just wrote this as sometimes it’s too much to keep in my head and it’s hard to see anything clearly. Lots of love Xx

Forget whether “he’s not 100% sure he wants to leave me” - take the decision out of his hands!!! Leave him!!

Hes abusive, vile and a liar. I get the whole conditioned to cling onto crumbs of happiness thing but genuinely there isn’t a single comment in your post about how he makes you happy, how he loves you, how he supports you.

You don’t have to wait for him to make the decision. You make it. Get out, get your kids out.

Both of their marriages were abroad hence they were easy to hide from me. First one was for cultural reasons, second was purely as he had decided to have a kid with someone abroad. But silly me was clueless 🤦‍♀️

Thank you, I will xx

😊 thank you xx

Thank you, I will sort it. It’s very black and white now hearing everyone on here xx

You are both are not good for each other and one of you needs to walk basically …. This isn’t love, it’s inertia

As the house is yours can you just pack his stuff. Change the locks. Call the police if he kicks of.

He sounds a nasty bully. Good luck

You are in a very strong position.

legally you don't have the problem of being without a roof over your head.

use that strength get rid of this abusing man from your life. Give him a set timeframe by when he should be gone. Don't get talked into reconsidering and letting him stay a day longer.

House is in my name so it’s not as easy as me packing and going otherwise I would do that.

You are good at seeing things you can be grateful for so be grateful that your home is in your name. It’s to your advantage so don’t instead, see it as yet another problem.

You deserve much better than all his convoluted control and manipulation, anger and aggression. And fear. He’s nasty.
It’s not your job to wish you could be the sweet natured, compliant person to bring out the best in him. He makes YOUR life impossible. He alone is responsible for the way he behaves and the consequence of that is that you no longer want to be subject to his presence, chipping away at you, in your home. He’s not right for you. So it’s over.
Use all that thinking energy to find the courage to calmly and firmly ask him to leave on the grounds that he makes you unhappy and miserable because he is impossible to live with.

Your obligation is to yourself and your children. You have thought it through long enough. Now tell him it’s over and that he must leave. Feel confident about doing it for your family. Life will be much more positive afterwards.
If you feel he will become physically violent make sure to have support from family and advice from Women's Aid.
You sound very capable and level headed in spite of your bad experiences. You deserve some peace now OP.

With every post, you sound more and more like me when I was with my ex. He is a heartbeat away from hitting you. Get him out ASAP. And if he lays one finger on you, call the police.

Get advice on getting an occupation order.
Hire some men to remove his stuff from the house and into a storage unit and change the locks.

Before you tell him to go, it might be a good idea to make sure any important documents (eg passports) or particularly sentimental items are safe. Drop them at a friend’s or in your locker at work - just in case he gets vindictive and damages/takes stuff.

He sounds bloody horrible and like he hates you. But you love him?! Good grief. Read back your post and just bin him off and you will both be happier.

For your own sake and mental health, get him out.

It’s horrible living with an angry person. I have a sibling like that (for no objective reason, he has a great lifestyle, good looking, lots of friends, but at home always just… angry) and we don’t speak anymore because I’ve decided I just can’t cope. I can’t. I’m sick to death of endless angry rants.

Also parts of what you wrote are making me think he’s been hanging about the manosphere. A man telling you not to touch his phone? Not being soft enough? There’s a man inside you? Red flags all around.

My ex was like this to an extent - the part that really resonated with me is when you say he comments on your “tone”, this went on for a few years for me and I realised that no one else has ever taken this issue with me, I’m very self aware and often tried to put on a really sweet voice just to avoid him erupting, but in a lightbulb moment I realised he was moving the goal posts - so if it wasn’t my tone that “has ruined his day or weekend” he would find something else, I could see myself becoming a husk of myself, becoming so small and discrete just so as not to upset him, I’m free of him now and I have never been so much happier - I can even sleep better not worrying about how I would phrase simple sentences so as not to upset him.

I used to think he would be happier with a “sweet” person but it turns out he’s incapable of any relationship because he finds faults, it’s definitely not you 🌺

I was also a victim of the multiple days of silent treatment with occasionally verbal abuse, it’s not acceptable and it’s just a way for him to unleash all his anger, like he’s been waiting for a reason to pin it on something. Eventually I stood up for myself and said enough is enough, life is too short to have these miserable types of people in your life - my shoulders are literally lighter without the weight of his abuse and gaslighting, please be strong and leave!

It's 100% not you - he hates women full stop, that's why when you don't act the way he thinks women should act (i.e. meek, mild, in service to him, not speaking unless spoken to...), he's angry and also tells you there's a "man inside you" because he doesn't think women should act like that. Fucking awful. I hope you can boot him out of your home soon!

Thank you very much, I will speak to him. And yes definitely I have a lot to be grateful for. I also don’t know if that adds to his anger that the house is in my name. I’m sure it does to some extent.

i will speak to him. I will also say it’s not healthily for our daughter as she will grow up thinking this arguing is normal. Hopefully we can sort it calmly. He always says people can’t change but I think it’s an excuse. I’m so much less argumentative than I used to be. I’m not perfect and I do snap but I want to talk it out and get back to normal very quickly. He doesn’t seem to have any ability to communicate or understand. Anger seems to be the only thing he knows. Thank you xx

Reading this, brought it all back for me. How my controlling bully of an ex made me the problem and for years I believed it. Tried so hard whilst he was co star my punishing me for my behaviour including not reacting correctly or showing fear. Whilst he pursued others as he was so lonely and misunderstood.

used to cling onto the fact I loved him was enough. Love is not enough was my epiphany.

Now I’m out of it, I look back in horror at how diminished I was. That is what bullies do.

Get out my love and breath that sweet quiet peaceful air. It’s a beautiful world.

You’re right when you say he’s a weak man. He’s trying to control you, doubt yourself, be less than you are to make himself feel better. It’s an abusive relationship. Without him, you and your kids will be free to be happy.

Oh you’re so right… the goalposts move! I hav this feeling a lot recently. It used to be (years ago) “what kind of a woman are you, you don’t know how to feed a family and take care of kids” and at some point I’ve heard “ it’s not nice for a woman to shout at her kids” ( ok I shout sometimes but it’s balanced with normal positive interaction too so I’m pretty sure they’re not going to be scarred by me, whereas as the majority of his interaction with them is negative). Then it was and has been since that I’m not firm enough with the kids.
Now the issue is I’m putting too much veg in the food (my preference) and said if you want more meat then you can feed the family and to be grateful.

and if I say to him something like “can’t you take a step down and lower your ego so you can actually hear what I’m saying” (of course tha is definitely NOT a sweet womanly way to speak to his majesty. He’ll very soon repeat the word “ego” to me in reference to me. Is this called projecting? He did it with use of the words toxic relationship too.. a few days later he bounced it back to me like he was describing me.

Thanks this was really helpful to read… I do feel he finds faults and issues. With me with the kids with his life with his work with every blinking thing. Constantly. He can’t be happy it’s Friday night. He has to be annoyed because soon it’ll be Monday. He can’t be grateful we got the place of our dreams as the garden in the previous place was teeny, he’s angry there’s too much grass in the garden to cut. And even I help it sometimes do it so it’s not like it all falls on him. I just see everything fundamentally differently. For me cutting the grass is a day in the sun with the kids and getting them involved (not always, I mean sometimes it’s just a chore but you always feel good when it’s done). But for him it’s enough to turn the house upside down about!

I think he’s stepping it up now more maybe as he can’t push me down. So maybe he’s trying to break me. I don’t know. If it wasn’t for the kids I’d be broken but I grew up without a mum since 12 as she died so I’d never be broken for the sake of them as they need me. He doesn’t need me.

Why would you love someone who treats you so badly? He doesn't sound lovable. He is mean and vindictive towards you and constantly makes you feel as if he dislikes you. No one should have live with that. You should be giving all that love - which he clearly doesn't deserve - to yourself.

Do you feel that you'll somehow be a failure in life if you are unable to get and keep a man? Liberate yourself from that false notion! The real failure is the failure to set oneself free. You are allowing this angry, unpleasant individual to grind you down to nothing, and you're apologizing to him! He should be on his knees apologizing to you. Free yourself. Live for yourself and your kids.

My ex was the same. I stuck at the marriage because I have an over-developed sense of duty, and because he'd ground me down so far I had to passively wait for him to leave me. He only left when he found a much younger woman willing to put up with his BS in return for financial stability. My life since he left has been pretty good. I've enjoyed it. I love my freedom.