Husband not happy with me

[Pyjamabanana16]

Hi everyone,

I’m new on here but I really would like to get some blunt and honest opinions. I’m kind of giving up on my relationship, I can’t see any way to fix things anymore. I don’t have many friends as I’m always busy with work, home and exhausted like all other mums. Any comments or home truths will be v appreciated. Thank you …

My husband has a very angry personality. He always has. He over reacts and makes a big deal out of what I think are small things. His whole demeanour and outlook (in my opinion) is very negative and lacks any kind of awareness that he also needs to put effort into his way of thinking if he wants to be happy or find happiness / things to be grateful for. I mean we can all decide to throw our hands in the air and bang on about how bad everything is. Or we can try to remind ourselves to be grateful for health, kids, house etc. that’s what I think anyway

Sorry for rambling. So I think he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. But he won’t go as I think he’s not 100 percent sure. He thinks I’m a horrible person and although he doesn’t say this when we have a small disagreement (I’m not sweet and perfect and always softly spoken but I calm down very quickly and explain why I reacted like I did/ and how I felt that made me react) he can go days acting like I’m the devil. For example the other day we argued about food, I said five words (angry and snappy yes) and it’s been five days now of listening to what’s wrong with me and “what my problem is”. Within five mins I came down, apologised for swearing, explaining I felt unappreciated. Hoping for some human ness from him to revive me and understand me. But his anger is self igniting, he spent all day being really really nasty even though I hardly spoke. Just coming to tell me what I am, how bad I am. He can just keep coming and verbally attacking me as though he just really hates me. I think he blames me for everything.

The other morning I was asking how work was and my “tone of voice” was wrong… I think not sweet enough as I had my walls up for how he’s spent last two days verbally running me into the ground, and he straight away said “you’re like a man. It’s like there’s a man inside you”. Which to me is like clear evidence he can’t stand me or anything I do and just hates me inside.

We both share kids with other people, and if I talk with my ex he’s on speaker, I’m just wandering around house being open with nothing to hide. I have no feelings for ex even though we speak on phone. When he used to speak to his kids mum, he goes outside and closes the door and speaks in garden with his daughter. Last night he brought up, “oh if I spoke with her as much as you speak with him… you couldn’t handle it” and my argument is all about openness. He says “oh if a partner told you not to ever touch his phone you couldn’t handle it”- well no I couldn’t and I couldn’t be with someone like that because I really value trust, openness, honesty, saying everything however good or bad. I always think telling the truth about everything is the biggest respect . And being secretive is the biggest disrespect.

He lied and he cheated at the beginning (with said ex) so already laid a foundation for mistrust. I was very pregnant so didn’t leave (and she lives abroad so they were playing happy families when he went there”. But he’s never been open when he’s done something wrong, never come to me to tell the truth, I’ve always had to be suspicious, feel like I’m nuts, gather evidence, and I’ve always had to pull it from him bit by bit. Which trust me I never enjoyed doing it’s just I think my gut feeling wouldn’t rest.

Even lying about smoking. It’s not the smoking that’s the issue, it’s the lying and hiding an mental deflection that breaks me down and then makes me mistrust him… because he’s shown he can’t be trusted so of course I can’t act towards him how he does towards me (who’s open always- maybe too much so sometimes).

He threw in my face the other day that he can’t meet friends or go out of the house as I’m super controlling. But never once has he said he wants to, and even won’t go to the shops with me as he works long hours and just wants to be home/ rest. But suddenly I’m being devil- ised for a scenario which has never even happen . He said “oh my work friend (male) asked me to go an eat and I had to say no because you’d go mad because you’re so controlling”. But i wouldn’t go mad. I wouldn’t care if I hadn’t made dinner for him. But id find it disrespectful if I’d made food for him. To me that’s normal. I just find the whole reaction to me weird . Like no matter what I do or don’t do, he just seems to put the blame on me for “how I am”.

I really want him to just find someone else who is sweet and kind and looks forward to him coming in from work and runs to greet him like an excited puppy. And doesn’t use the “tone” like me or be so unbearable as I apparently am.

I’m not perfect and I never really learnt how to do a perfect relationship. But I’m just me and I’m honest and open and I recognise why I react and explain it (if I snap or am rude for example). But none of that matters as he just seem to hate me and lay into me disproportionately.

He seem to have so much built up resentment for being “trapped”, and “controlled” but I didn’t trap him. I’ve always said just be honest and open and I’m not scared of the truth, like ever. It’s like he stays trapped just to justify releasing all his anger on me.

But always what will make me scared is feeling the other person is hiding something- it does make me insecure. And he’s shown he’s a hider , not open. And after him I don’t trust myself to be in another relationship. I have my amazing kids and I just can’t be with anyone else ever. I don’t have the trust to blindly give to another man. Both of my kids dads were married when I met them, both hid it, I found out about both when I was already heavily pregnant. Wow that sounds so disfunctional but yes the fact is I have a deep mistrust for men after this. Im not nuts, just any sign of none openness would set massive warnings off for me. Even once a therapist said to me “oh I don’t think you’ll ever trust a man after this” 😂 I think even she was shocked!!

Please help me, i love him which is how i think i see that he just needs to be with someone else. I’m not the one for him because i bring out the anger and hate. Maybe with someone else he’ll be a much lighter person, maybe even happy and relaxed and tbh I’d love to see him like that. I don’t think he’s bad inside, just broken. I’ve come to the realisation that he needs someone and something else in life, not me.

Even though my heart is honestly broken and I just keep crying for myself and the way my life has been pooped on by dishonest men. But hey ho, my kids are my favourite little people.

Thank you for your time and I’m sorry it’s been long. I just wrote this as sometimes it’s too much to keep in my head and it’s hard to see anything clearly. Lots of love Xx

OP, you're not in an abusive relationship because some part of your character is triggering him.

You're in an abusive relationship because you tolerate things that people with better self esteem don't.

You don't need to give a moment's thought to why he's behaving like this. Focus on how to remove him and then get therapy.

Thank you, I’m so much clearer after I came on here. Everyone is reinforcing what I thought. It won’t be easy but I’ll speak to him later. Love isn’t enough I know. And tbh I have to search to find evidence of the love. It shows on holiday and in the rare moments of closeness. But I don’t feel it often. I always feel I’m chasing a goalpost. Or I’m not good enough in some way. There are millions of things he’s said against me to show I’m not good enough. I only have two for him and they’re kind of related- the negativity and anger. I couldn’t go on for hours and hours about how much I hate him, because my problem is just these traits. He can fill days telling me all the ways I have failed and why I’m no good in a relationship. Quite sad really because I only really tried my best but it was for the wrong person it seems

I don't think it matters whether it's something about you brining that out of him, or if he'd be better with someone else.

It matters that this is the way he is with you, so you're best of parting ways.

Whatever the cause, he does sound full of resentment and anger towards you, and you'd be better off out of the vicinity of that.

Women always think we can fix the situation by analysing it, but I think the overthinking analytical part of us is a disadvantage in this context because what's really needed is decisive action to move the situation on.

Sometimes you just need to make a decision and start taking steps. It's very clear what you need the outcome to be here. Just switch off thinking about the wider situation and focus on what steps you need to start and take one at a time.

Step one is call a solicitor, step 2 is really easy because you just do whatever practical steps they tell you to do.

Don't overthink it, there's no fixing this. Practical head on.

I agree, I do tolerate things that I shouldn’t and have done for most of my life. I don’t want my daughter to be like me. So I need to make the house calm for her so she’s not seeing this anymore

So, this man:

• Was married when he met you but didn’t tell you
• Got you pregnant
• Then continued to have sex with his wife
• Moved into your home
• Has a problem with anger and regularly verbally attacks you
• Spends days telling you what’s wrong with you
• Acts like he hates you
• Has gone to hit you and you’re now scared of things escalating
• Hides the truth from you and gaslights you
• Tells you you’re controlling because he can’t go out with a friend, when he’s never discussed it with you
• Won’t shop with you because he’s too tired (when you also work full time)
• You make his dinner
• You have two children (one his) who presumably witness the above.
• You say you still love him and want him to be with a woman who ‘is sweet and kind and looks forward to him coming in from work and runs to greet him like an excited puppy’.

This man is disrespectful and abusive. He shouldn’t be with any woman.

It’s very damaging for your children to be in such an environment.

Seek advice from a domestic abuse agency about safely removing him from your home.

Then seek therapy to recover from his abuse and support your children in doing so.

Don’t entertain any further relationships and work on yourself.

Ok thanks 🙏

NO

She's his EX for a reason.

This is a classic gaslighting victim talking.

dont worry I’m done with relationships and I just want peace in my life and calm. Just want some time to recover on my own with the kids as he’s even affected my relationship with them a bit. When he’s around I’m kind of trying to prevent them triggering him so I’m always on high alert a bit. Otherwise he brings the house mood down. Wow how sad it feels now I’m writing it! I think once I’m over this I’ll be so full of anger and resentment towards him for all this!! He’s so lucky to have what he has to be honest and he doesn’t deserve it. He deserves someone like him

You're not 'not good enough', you're just in a negative relationship.

Like anyone would do if they were constantly being picked apart, your self-esteem is taking a hit, a big one.

But you won't fix that by working our whether you're the problem or he is.

You fix it by moving away from what's causing the hit to your self-esteem, once you're away from it you can get some counselling in a safe space with someone who can help you work through your feelings and build you back up.

You can't fix all this inside your own head.

I'm avoiding saying- he's the problem or he's abusive, not because it's not true, but because I think it's not what you need to focus on right now.

You just need to see that the two of you are not working together and move away from it (or have it move away from you).

No I really don’t feel like a failure. I’m actually better on my own and I’m independent financially, job wise and able to do everything for myself. I’ve had my own business, currently run a place with all male employees and I’m really quite capable. I have this niggling feeling that even that contributes to his anger towards me. I know men don’t like strong women. Maybe I just stuck around too long so it’s become like a habit. And like I said, i remember the holidays and good times and makes me think I love him more than I probably do.

if I didn’t break growing up on my own since I was very small I won’t break from him or anyone else. Just being in it has blurred my reality and I needed a push that I’m not crazy, it is what I think it is. So I’m so glad I came on here as everyone has been fantastic. Thank you so much, I know what I need to do now without doubting myself xxx

Thank you, you’re right xx

I recognise some of this and you will be happier when you aren’t stepping on eggshells. If you doubt yourself that’s evidence it’s an abusive situation. His behaviour is the problem not your reaction to it. That’s what I realised when I got out. If I was the problem then why did I never fall out with friends or colleagues and why was I capable at work but doubting myself at home. I think ex wanted out but was too much of a coward to end it and so some of his vile behaviour was pushing me to my limits so I would end it.

I’ve never regretted it and the dc while initially upset also commented on how much calmer and happier home was without him. It definitely affected their self esteem too when he snapped at them.

i agree try and end it without blame on basis it’s run its course and neither of you are happy don’t risk a situation where he becomes angry or violent. These men can’t take criticism even when it’s justified. Your priority is just for him to leave voluntarily. As you are married he doesn’t have to go even though house is in your name.

Do you own your house? Because if you're married (you've said 'husband') it's not that easy to throw him out whether the house is in your name alone or not.

Give him notice to leave. A month will do

I will 😊 thanks

Thank you. This is how I feel too. I want to try to leave things on good terms. And try to appeal to that sense of father in him that makes him leave without giving any reason to go nuts. I think you understand my situation and my reasoning. I’m not in support of aggravating him if there’s a chance I can do it without making things worse. And I think I can. It’s all in the tone and I just have to be very practical and calm and not react 😊 xx

If you are married and he has children I’d see a solicitor as even though the house is in your name he still has a claim, his children need a home, I don’t think it’s as easy as saying there’s the door. Where will he go? Where will his children go? Does he rely on you for money? Are you the main bread winner? Marriage is a financial contract. You may need a non molestation order too by the sounds of it.

My daughter won’t be upset, her brother goes backwards and forwards to his dad’s house and there is no negativity on that side (after a lot of self control). She actually was quite excited at the thought of having another bedroom and seeing daddy in a new place. And she was telling me all the things she’ll pack in her little bag. I’ve been through it with my son’s dad and I want a peaceful outcome. No bad energy once he’s gone and for her to spend time with a more calm version of her father even if it’s for a shorter time each week. Should be win win all around. I’ll approach it this evening with him if the atmosphere is right. And I’ll update when I have some news xx

Try and phrase it as he was right, appeal to his ego. Lay it on thick about how he deserves better and you'll be very very sad but you're ready to let him move on.

He sounds dangerous.

This. Is he British or does be somehow need you for housing/visa?

I’d leave and not expose your kids to this toxic attitude. OP, I mean it with absolute kindness when I say this: stop falling pregnant with any man so quickly!! 3 kids by three men in the circumstances you describe sounds like you’ve been vulnerable for a while and still are. 💐

I have been in a relationship like this and they make us question ourselves to the core. I recommend using co pilot to talk it through. Very helpful and you can ask it not not just agree with you but to give honest reflection on your own part in things which not does very well

good luck op. These men are so so strange. They hate us but stay with us. Malcontents I heard them described as on another thread

Yes the time has to be right, otherwise it can go the wrong way. And I have to take the majority of the responsibility . What goes on in my head is one thing, but what I say a lot is thought through. The problems happen when I vocalise my true thoughts and it all goes upside down