Hi everyone,
I’m new on here but I really would like to get some blunt and honest opinions. I’m kind of giving up on my relationship, I can’t see any way to fix things anymore. I don’t have many friends as I’m always busy with work, home and exhausted like all other mums. Any comments or home truths will be v appreciated. Thank you …
My husband has a very angry personality. He always has. He over reacts and makes a big deal out of what I think are small things. His whole demeanour and outlook (in my opinion) is very negative and lacks any kind of awareness that he also needs to put effort into his way of thinking if he wants to be happy or find happiness / things to be grateful for. I mean we can all decide to throw our hands in the air and bang on about how bad everything is. Or we can try to remind ourselves to be grateful for health, kids, house etc. that’s what I think anyway
Sorry for rambling. So I think he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. But he won’t go as I think he’s not 100 percent sure. He thinks I’m a horrible person and although he doesn’t say this when we have a small disagreement (I’m not sweet and perfect and always softly spoken but I calm down very quickly and explain why I reacted like I did/ and how I felt that made me react) he can go days acting like I’m the devil. For example the other day we argued about food, I said five words (angry and snappy yes) and it’s been five days now of listening to what’s wrong with me and “what my problem is”. Within five mins I came down, apologised for swearing, explaining I felt unappreciated. Hoping for some human ness from him to revive me and understand me. But his anger is self igniting, he spent all day being really really nasty even though I hardly spoke. Just coming to tell me what I am, how bad I am. He can just keep coming and verbally attacking me as though he just really hates me. I think he blames me for everything.
The other morning I was asking how work was and my “tone of voice” was wrong… I think not sweet enough as I had my walls up for how he’s spent last two days verbally running me into the ground, and he straight away said “you’re like a man. It’s like there’s a man inside you”. Which to me is like clear evidence he can’t stand me or anything I do and just hates me inside.
We both share kids with other people, and if I talk with my ex he’s on speaker, I’m just wandering around house being open with nothing to hide. I have no feelings for ex even though we speak on phone. When he used to speak to his kids mum, he goes outside and closes the door and speaks in garden with his daughter. Last night he brought up, “oh if I spoke with her as much as you speak with him… you couldn’t handle it” and my argument is all about openness. He says “oh if a partner told you not to ever touch his phone you couldn’t handle it”- well no I couldn’t and I couldn’t be with someone like that because I really value trust, openness, honesty, saying everything however good or bad. I always think telling the truth about everything is the biggest respect . And being secretive is the biggest disrespect.
He lied and he cheated at the beginning (with said ex) so already laid a foundation for mistrust. I was very pregnant so didn’t leave (and she lives abroad so they were playing happy families when he went there”. But he’s never been open when he’s done something wrong, never come to me to tell the truth, I’ve always had to be suspicious, feel like I’m nuts, gather evidence, and I’ve always had to pull it from him bit by bit. Which trust me I never enjoyed doing it’s just I think my gut feeling wouldn’t rest.
Even lying about smoking. It’s not the smoking that’s the issue, it’s the lying and hiding an mental deflection that breaks me down and then makes me mistrust him… because he’s shown he can’t be trusted so of course I can’t act towards him how he does towards me (who’s open always- maybe too much so sometimes).
He threw in my face the other day that he can’t meet friends or go out of the house as I’m super controlling. But never once has he said he wants to, and even won’t go to the shops with me as he works long hours and just wants to be home/ rest. But suddenly I’m being devil- ised for a scenario which has never even happen . He said “oh my work friend (male) asked me to go an eat and I had to say no because you’d go mad because you’re so controlling”. But i wouldn’t go mad. I wouldn’t care if I hadn’t made dinner for him. But id find it disrespectful if I’d made food for him. To me that’s normal. I just find the whole reaction to me weird . Like no matter what I do or don’t do, he just seems to put the blame on me for “how I am”.
I really want him to just find someone else who is sweet and kind and looks forward to him coming in from work and runs to greet him like an excited puppy. And doesn’t use the “tone” like me or be so unbearable as I apparently am.
I’m not perfect and I never really learnt how to do a perfect relationship. But I’m just me and I’m honest and open and I recognise why I react and explain it (if I snap or am rude for example). But none of that matters as he just seem to hate me and lay into me disproportionately.
He seem to have so much built up resentment for being “trapped”, and “controlled” but I didn’t trap him. I’ve always said just be honest and open and I’m not scared of the truth, like ever. It’s like he stays trapped just to justify releasing all his anger on me.
But always what will make me scared is feeling the other person is hiding something- it does make me insecure. And he’s shown he’s a hider , not open. And after him I don’t trust myself to be in another relationship. I have my amazing kids and I just can’t be with anyone else ever. I don’t have the trust to blindly give to another man. Both of my kids dads were married when I met them, both hid it, I found out about both when I was already heavily pregnant. Wow that sounds so disfunctional but yes the fact is I have a deep mistrust for men after this. Im not nuts, just any sign of none openness would set massive warnings off for me. Even once a therapist said to me “oh I don’t think you’ll ever trust a man after this” 😂 I think even she was shocked!!
Please help me, i love him which is how i think i see that he just needs to be with someone else. I’m not the one for him because i bring out the anger and hate. Maybe with someone else he’ll be a much lighter person, maybe even happy and relaxed and tbh I’d love to see him like that. I don’t think he’s bad inside, just broken. I’ve come to the realisation that he needs someone and something else in life, not me.
Even though my heart is honestly broken and I just keep crying for myself and the way my life has been pooped on by dishonest men. But hey ho, my kids are my favourite little people.
Thank you for your time and I’m sorry it’s been long. I just wrote this as sometimes it’s too much to keep in my head and it’s hard to see anything clearly. Lots of love Xx