What would you think about this? My partner is excluding me from things without explanation.

[AmIJustMissingSomethingHere]

I've been with my partner for 5 years.

He has a lot of friends from the area where he grew up and, whenever it's someone's birthday or whatever, they tend to put on a gig at a local pub and all get together there to celebrate.

It's always quite an informal affair - everyone is invited - friends, husbands, wives, partners, girfriends/boyfriends of 6 weeks. In fact you're less invited and more presumed to be going. This is relevant.

Since we've been together, I've gone to several of these events with him. This is also relevant.

Except that, last summer, my partner went to one and didn't take me with him. There had been a lot of talk about it and because of the nature of the nights, it's always presented more as, "It's so-and-sos birthday on X. Such and such are playing. Have we got anything on?"

Last summer, we had the same conversation. The day before, I realised I hadn't got specific details and asked, "What time is it starting tomorrow?" He told me but that was it. I know how long it takes to get there so no problem. Only the following day, he asked me what my plans were for the evening. I was a bit stunned and said I hadn't got any. And he said, "Oh. OK. Well I'll be leaving at X time."

I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say. I could have asked why I wasn't going with him but the small physical distance between us suddenly felt huge and I didn't feel like I could; I didn't want to have an upsetting conversation before he was going out for the evening and I didn't want to spend the evening on my own after a conversation that wasn't ever going to be positive.

I wondered if maybe that night was different for some reason but, no, the following day when he talked about it, the usual people had been there - all the same friends, husbands, wives, partners and girlfriends/boyfriends of 6 weeks... Just not me.

It's not been mentioned since. I've never asked and he's never explained. I'd pretty much forgotten about it, tbh.

But a few weeks ago, the conversation arose again. "It's John's birthday on Y at Z. There's a band playing. Have we got anything on?" No. Great!

Except that once again, there's been no mention of me going. I haven't been told I'm not going but then I wasn't last time either

We've been to gigs and the pub with John and his wife a few times. I can't think of any conceivable reason why John wouldn't want me there. We've always got on. I've always got on with his wife.

They're all very laid back and it's a live music pub where people are packed in until they're spilling out onto the street and no catering so not an issue of numbers.

In fact, the only probable explanation is that my partner doesn't want me there.

I just don't know what to say or what to think. There is no specific invitation to wait for as partners are automatically included. And my partner is definitely going. Nothing has been said to me either way. Like last year.

I just feel really stupid tbh. He is included appropriately with my friends. I wouldn't dream of going on a night out with couples without inviting him.

I wouldn't even mind if he said, "Look, AmIMissingSomethingHere, I haven't seen them in ages. Would you mind if I went on my own?" That would be fine and he knows that. But surely that would be acknowledged?

Any ideas?

This isn’t big stuff though unless you make it big stuff. When he asked what your plans are why didn’t you say ‘I thought I was going to the gig with you like normal?’ He might of said ok or he might of gave a reason you weren’t invited. He’s mentioned another birthday so why don’t you just ask if you’re invited, if not you’ll make some plans to catch up with other friends. You’ve been with him for 5 years so it’s strange you feel you can’t have a basic conversation

You're making this into a big deal. It might be something, it might be nothing - speak to him about it, keep it light, but dont tie yourself up in knots trying to read his mind, ir catastrophising

I suppose the reason I'm hesitating to ask is that I don't think he will give me an honest answer.

We're not joined at the hip. There have been two occasions when I haven't been out. Once when I wasn't well and once when I was in the middle of a really stressful time at work and I just didn't have the energy.

The same as he hasn't always come when I invite him out for similar reasons.

But that doesn't mean we assume the other will never want to.go out again. We should still include each other. That's just normal isn't it?

But I know him. I don't think he will give an honest answer. I think he will just point to these occasions and say he didn't think I'd want to. To avoid an honest conversation.

I know I look like I'm just as bad for avoiding conversations but it's only something I've done since being with him because I've learned he avoids it so there's no point.

Then you can point out that is a tiny proportion compared to all the times you have gone.

As it is Good Friday, let me introduce you to the concept of “Lying by Ommission”. The concept of saying nothing because that is the most self serving thing to do.

I think your assumption that he is acting in good faith about the relationship and his actions is hopelessly misplaced.
We are told all the time that men are simple creatures, creatures of habit. And the change in habit is the key that something has shifted. (Which you have already noticed)

He is stepping out of the circle that includes you, back into a circle of people that patently doesn’t. Lying-To-Your-Face (by omission) is just as indicative of his lack of respect for you as a lie of commission.

From here it looks like your relationship is already all over bar the shouting, and my guess is that a tricky question like. “I noticed the change in your behaviour to create a situation where I was not to go to that party. We need to talk about why it was your preference that I not be there, and then why you aren’t prepared to have an open and honest conversation with me.”

I think he will just point to these occasions and say he didn't think I'd want to.

To which you answer: on what basis were you doing that thinking? It certainly wasn’t a conclusion you arrived at on any information I gave you. That means there is new information only you are privy to which would spoil my evening. Now would be a good time to share it, or are you going to continue to withhold relevant information about our relationship from me?

I share others’ frustration that you don’t simply ask but I think I get it, OP. You’re scared that having a conversation will lead to the end of the relationship because he will say something or reveal something that is unacceptable to you; or indeed, he may confirm that he feels differently to how he used to. Or it may be nothing and he may be able to put your mind at rest. But this is eating at you now so it’s hard to see how you can keep silent for long.

Thank you. You've articulated it really well. That's exactly what it looks like to me.

He is stepping out of the circle that includes you, back into a circle of people that patently doesn’t.

Yes.

Party is neither here nor there. I think if you're in a relationship and something is bothering you but you don't feel like you can talk to your partner about it then that's not a healthy relationship.

and surely if he'd wanted me to go when I told him I had no plans (you know, because I'd kept the evening free for the event), the natural response would be to say, "Well, why don't you come out with me then?"

From his side it could also be interpreted like you decided you don't want to go out. If I assumed my partner was coming out with me and I asked about evening plans, i would expect them to say something in the lines of 'what time do we need to leave, do I have time to go to gym before'. If he said he had no plans, I may understand it as they for some reason don't want to come to the event. OK no problem, I will go alone then and won't force him to join me next time as well, if he doesn't seem interested.

You really need to talk to him and clarify.

In the morning ask what time WE are going to the party, get ready to go and see what he says. You may have inadvertently given the impression you weren't going to go last time and since you said nothing about going you didn't. Make sure he knows you're expecting to go this time, say things like it will be lovely to see xyz again, do you think Fred will be there. If in the end he says no you're not going you will know.

You wouldn't though.

Because if you assumed they were going out with you, you wouldn't ask them what their plans were. That's not the question you'd ask. You might ask something to confirm but, If you assumed they were going with you, you'd have no reason to ask what their plans were.

Last year, I asked what time it was starting the day before. Why would I ask if I had no intention of going? I might ask what time he was leaving or how he was getting there or what time he thought he'd be back. Those questions would all indicate I wasn't going.

But asking for a reminder of what time something starts is a fairly normal question to ask about something you're going to.

You really need to talk to him and clarify.

Yes, I know. You're right.

If I was having this much angst over a night out after 5 years, I’d assume the relationship was dead in the water. Please just ask him if you are invited. If he says no, ask why not? If his answer doesn’t feel genuine then dump him. 5 year relationships shouldn’t be this difficult to have such a low level convo.

Of course I wasn't there but most people would have reacted with 'Tonight? I thought we have XX party?' when asked what their evening plans were, not pretended this wasn't happening.

If it was me, I would just say:
Am I not invited to Daves party? because you've not mentioned it and you did the same thing last time and I'd like to know what's going on.

Maybe say ‘You know the birthday night - is it wives and girlfriends too or just the guys? Just so I know otherwise I’ll do something else.’

You're making this into a big deal. It might be something, it might be nothing - speak to him about it, keep it light, but dont tie yourself up in knots trying to read his mind, ir catastrophising.
If you dont feel having the conversation then ask yourself why.

I think he has started to exclude you and unless you say something it will continue & get worse. At the moment you don’t know why he is checking out of the relationship and that is making you naturally uneasy and doubt yourself.

Suggest you address it with him in a very matter-of-fact way as other posters have suggested as he may try to avoid the subject or dismiss your concerns.

That's probably what I need to say, yes.

What stage are you at in life? If anyone oldie like me, heading for retirement, past the having kids stage then you can take your time and stick with a bloke you struggle to talk to. If you've not had kids and are looking to marry/have children then this definitely needs dealing with head on. It could be the start of him checking out of the relationship, in which case you need to know sooner rather than later.

Older. Definitely not looking at having children.

Please, for your own self esteem, just ask him. Stop avoiding asking him because you don’t want to open a can of worms.

your posts read as if he has all the power in your relationship. Is that really the case ?

What kind of life do you really want for yourself? What would your life be like if you were not in a relationship with him?

Can you afford to feed and house yourself, or do you have family who would help support you until you get yourself sorted.

Knowing in detail how you would look after yourself might give you the strength to just straightforwardly tell him that you get the impression he doesn’t want you to go with him any more. Have you understood correctly?

Then act on whatever he says. It’s no way to live your life in his shadow, giving him such power and agency over you.

dig deep, your life is going to be great.

Op if you’re worried about the conversation why don’t you just text him? “There’s a clearly an issue between us, would you like to discuss it?”

There’s been pages of analysis on this now, there is no other available answer other than “ask him”