What would you think about this? My partner is excluding me from things without explanation.

[AmIJustMissingSomethingHere]

I've been with my partner for 5 years.

He has a lot of friends from the area where he grew up and, whenever it's someone's birthday or whatever, they tend to put on a gig at a local pub and all get together there to celebrate.

It's always quite an informal affair - everyone is invited - friends, husbands, wives, partners, girfriends/boyfriends of 6 weeks. In fact you're less invited and more presumed to be going. This is relevant.

Since we've been together, I've gone to several of these events with him. This is also relevant.

Except that, last summer, my partner went to one and didn't take me with him. There had been a lot of talk about it and because of the nature of the nights, it's always presented more as, "It's so-and-sos birthday on X. Such and such are playing. Have we got anything on?"

Last summer, we had the same conversation. The day before, I realised I hadn't got specific details and asked, "What time is it starting tomorrow?" He told me but that was it. I know how long it takes to get there so no problem. Only the following day, he asked me what my plans were for the evening. I was a bit stunned and said I hadn't got any. And he said, "Oh. OK. Well I'll be leaving at X time."

I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say. I could have asked why I wasn't going with him but the small physical distance between us suddenly felt huge and I didn't feel like I could; I didn't want to have an upsetting conversation before he was going out for the evening and I didn't want to spend the evening on my own after a conversation that wasn't ever going to be positive.

I wondered if maybe that night was different for some reason but, no, the following day when he talked about it, the usual people had been there - all the same friends, husbands, wives, partners and girlfriends/boyfriends of 6 weeks... Just not me.

It's not been mentioned since. I've never asked and he's never explained. I'd pretty much forgotten about it, tbh.

But a few weeks ago, the conversation arose again. "It's John's birthday on Y at Z. There's a band playing. Have we got anything on?" No. Great!

Except that once again, there's been no mention of me going. I haven't been told I'm not going but then I wasn't last time either

We've been to gigs and the pub with John and his wife a few times. I can't think of any conceivable reason why John wouldn't want me there. We've always got on. I've always got on with his wife.

They're all very laid back and it's a live music pub where people are packed in until they're spilling out onto the street and no catering so not an issue of numbers.

In fact, the only probable explanation is that my partner doesn't want me there.

I just don't know what to say or what to think. There is no specific invitation to wait for as partners are automatically included. And my partner is definitely going. Nothing has been said to me either way. Like last year.

I just feel really stupid tbh. He is included appropriately with my friends. I wouldn't dream of going on a night out with couples without inviting him.

I wouldn't even mind if he said, "Look, AmIMissingSomethingHere, I haven't seen them in ages. Would you mind if I went on my own?" That would be fine and he knows that. But surely that would be acknowledged?

Any ideas?

I'm sorry but this seems to me like he is interested in someone else who is going. If there are single women there ?

And do not be quiet about it! I know you dont want to rock the boat as you already feel something has changed. And it has, as he isn't inviting you anymore.

You know deep down whats happening, and the fact you won't say it outright is because he will get defensive and start calling you paranoid. Then you will feel like you are walking on eggshells.

Been there. So just keep your wits about you and be prepared for the worst.

The biggest concern about reading your posts is that he doesn’t deal with “big” conversations well. Or conversations about your relationship. This isn’t a big deal and isn’t a big conversation. I would be more worried about the lack of meaningful communication than a get together. That really needs to be addressed.

I've wondered that. But I can't imagine who or what it would be.

There’s someone going who he doesn’t want you to meet, for whatever reason. An ex perhaps? Mother of his child he hasn’t told you about?

Tbh, i know why people are suggesting this but, for various reasons, of all the things it could be, that would be the least likely. Not impossible, obviously, but not very likely.

He doesn't like conflict so will just ignore things and hope they go away or that no one will notice or say anything

I think you are projecting your own behaviours here! Speak up for for yourself woman!

When he says what are you doing Saturday night say 'aren't we going to John's gig together?' and see what he says, if it's an enthusiastic yes/ great glad you want to come, then brilliant, if not it gives him an opportunity to say why he doesn't want to go as a couple.

You need to ask him and ask yourself…. if this is how you want to be treated going forward.

You’ve got to just bite the bullet and ask him.

I can see why people are calling this relationship ending. Maybe he thinks he can muddle along with excluding you from the groups he wants you out of , which is a relationship ended for me, or maybe he wants to end it and can’t say, either way you need to say it feels like I’m not invited Saturday and it’s not the first time.

pause for bullshit or silence. Respond:
I know partners are welcome so it’s just you who doesn’t want me there, which means we aren’t working out. You don’t really think you can just put me in a little box in your life and call it a relationship do you? Have you realised that is a horrible way to treat someone while pretending you care about them. I hear you telling me you like me a little bit but nowhere near enough to share a life with.

Of course. But you are still chewing yourself up about it. So you have to ask and bite the bullet.

FWIW it's a shitty way to behave. And your posts suggest you think it's your fault somehow or that you're expecting too much. It's not and you're not. This is on him. A decent human being would tell you what the issue was.

Has he just assumed you think
you’re invited, and thinks because you’ve not mentioned it, you’re not bothered about going? Personally I’d ask him the reason.

Yeah as many have said you’ll just need to ask him tomorrow or whenever.

'Any ideas?' Yes. Speak to him. Guesswork will get you nowhere.

Any ideas? Yes. Just ask him why you’re not invited? Direct, open conversation is surely key to any successful relationship surely? I genuinely don’t understand why you can’t have this conversation after five years.

With my XH it was because my presence interfered with his recreational drug use.

You really won’t know unless you talk to him. The worst thing you can do is to let it languish. That is what I did. It let him keep secrets and it wasn’t good for our relationship.

whatever has changed, you just need to get it out in the open, even if it stings.

@AmIJustMissingSomethingHere, it’s time to assert your agency and address your exclusion. Your Partner doesn’t get to unilaterally make such a significant change without discussing it with you. Continuing to passively bottle your valid hurt and confusion will make you ill.

I hope you will speak to him asap, @AmIJustMissingSomethingHere.

Why not? You might get an honest reaction from him when he realizes you're there. You can discuss it later at home.. At the very least someone may give you a clue as to what's going on, which is more than you're getting now.

You could just show up late, and if he asks, say you decided not to sit at home watching TV. And if it were me, I'd add "Is that a problem for you?"
Of course, I'm persistent and would have to know why I was being excluded.

I hope it's just a misunderstanding, but I couldn't pretend not to notice something was off. Give your mind a rest and go late to the party. Get some answers.

I agree with this. Him asking you what your plans were that night sounds like he may of just been checking if you were coming with him or if you maybe had other plans, not that he necessarily didn't want you there with him . Maybe he didnt want to assume you automatically always want to go to these parties with him but you had a very clear opening to tell him outright that your plan was to go out with him it sounds odd that you couldn't just say that!

I can see why you and others are suggesting this.

I'm finding it difficult to articulate the difference without being too wordy or over explaining it.

"What are your plans for the evening?" implies that our plans are separate. I know what his plans are and he's asking what I'm doing instead.

If I've arranged to go out with my friends, I ask him what his plans for the evening are because I'm going out and I'm wondering what he's doing instead. I don't ask that because I expect him to say, "I'm coming out with you." It's not how you invite someone out with you unless you're just checking if they're free and it's followed up with an expression of interest in you being there.

If I'm going out or meeting some friends in the pub for a drink and I want him ask him along, I might say, "I'm going to the pub with X tonight. Do you have any plans or do you want to come?"

But that's generally for last minute arrangements and not a birthday do thats been planned for weeks.

And surely if he'd wanted me to go when I told him I had no plans (you know, because I'd kept the evening free for the event), the natural response would be to say, "Well, why don't you come out with me then?" Rather than to just give the time he was leaving?

When we were first together and before I realised that these things were a bit 'partners are always included', I checked that the invitation included me and he was surprised that I thought it might not. His assumption was that we would be going together because we are a couple.

That is always his assumption so this was a big shift from that.

And why you didn't reply (when asked what are your plans) "we're going to x, aren't we?".

I think we all understand the difference, just not sure why in the moment you didnt say "I'm going with you to X?!". OK if you didnt say it in the moment but just speak to him about it now - it's something or nothing and you're making it into a really big deal.

Anyway, he got home around 10ish last night. He'd been out with some of his friends (including the man whose birthday it is).

I know that some of the evening was spent talking about it because that was partly why they were going out. To discuss plans and arrangements and the band etc.

He got in and didn't even mention it. I asked him if he'd had a good night. He said yes and changed the subject to work.

He started talking to me about work in great detail. He rarely talks about work at length. He doesn't have a job that provides interesting/entertaining stories and, whilst he'll talk if there's a problem, if I ask him how work was, he just says, "Yeah, it was fine," and doesn't elaborate. Last night, he got in and spent an hour telling me about what he'd done that day, who as in, who was off, who said what etc. Stuff he'd never normally had any interest I talking about.

When either of us go out, we always ask how it was and then might share something from the evening. Something we'd been told, a funny story, or just say it had been great to get together and catch up. I wouldn't come home from a night out and launch straight into mundane updates from a job I rarely discuss otherwise and completely ignore the fact I'd been out all evening.

And he wouldn't normally either.

I know I need to say something. I just feel like the conversation is going to be bigger than whether I'm going to the party or not.

You really do have to take the bull by the horns, and sooner rather than later. Just say it seems you don't want me to come to xxx what has changed?

From the quoted post...

The odd thing is that your partner has not/didn't say 'Why are you not coming?'

That's the whole point. I know that's the odd thing. I don't think for a second that someone took him aside and told him I wasnt welcome. They're just not like that as a crowd. It's all very laid back.

The whole point of the thread is that he didn't want me there.

I've already explained why I didn't say, "we're going to x, aren't we?"

It was obvious I wasn't going. I've said I was a bit stunned and a million thoughts rushed through my head. Did he always intend to exclude me? Had I done something to piss him off? Did his friends not want me there? Why didn't he want me there? What had changed/happened?

I wouldn't want to go somewhere I wasn't wanted so I wouldn't have gone as an afterthought or because I'd backed him into a corner or where my presence would have spoilt it for him. I didn't want an unpleasant conversation/argument just before he went out for the evening. I didn't want to feel sit at home all evening worrying about it.

I didn't want to be that person who caused drama before a night out.

As it was, I didn't stay in all evening there was a band playing at a local pub so I went to that. But I wouldn't have wanted to if I'd been upset after a conversation.

I think maybe just try saying ok cook il see what outfit to wear and see his reaction then maybe say its nice we go together thats ok isn't it. Definitely need to talk as you sound almost scared of him. If its making you feel sad then Definitely talk about it. Talk talk talk.