What would you think about this? My partner is excluding me from things without explanation.

[AmIJustMissingSomethingHere]

I've been with my partner for 5 years.

He has a lot of friends from the area where he grew up and, whenever it's someone's birthday or whatever, they tend to put on a gig at a local pub and all get together there to celebrate.

It's always quite an informal affair - everyone is invited - friends, husbands, wives, partners, girfriends/boyfriends of 6 weeks. In fact you're less invited and more presumed to be going. This is relevant.

Since we've been together, I've gone to several of these events with him. This is also relevant.

Except that, last summer, my partner went to one and didn't take me with him. There had been a lot of talk about it and because of the nature of the nights, it's always presented more as, "It's so-and-sos birthday on X. Such and such are playing. Have we got anything on?"

Last summer, we had the same conversation. The day before, I realised I hadn't got specific details and asked, "What time is it starting tomorrow?" He told me but that was it. I know how long it takes to get there so no problem. Only the following day, he asked me what my plans were for the evening. I was a bit stunned and said I hadn't got any. And he said, "Oh. OK. Well I'll be leaving at X time."

I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say. I could have asked why I wasn't going with him but the small physical distance between us suddenly felt huge and I didn't feel like I could; I didn't want to have an upsetting conversation before he was going out for the evening and I didn't want to spend the evening on my own after a conversation that wasn't ever going to be positive.

I wondered if maybe that night was different for some reason but, no, the following day when he talked about it, the usual people had been there - all the same friends, husbands, wives, partners and girlfriends/boyfriends of 6 weeks... Just not me.

It's not been mentioned since. I've never asked and he's never explained. I'd pretty much forgotten about it, tbh.

But a few weeks ago, the conversation arose again. "It's John's birthday on Y at Z. There's a band playing. Have we got anything on?" No. Great!

Except that once again, there's been no mention of me going. I haven't been told I'm not going but then I wasn't last time either

We've been to gigs and the pub with John and his wife a few times. I can't think of any conceivable reason why John wouldn't want me there. We've always got on. I've always got on with his wife.

They're all very laid back and it's a live music pub where people are packed in until they're spilling out onto the street and no catering so not an issue of numbers.

In fact, the only probable explanation is that my partner doesn't want me there.

I just don't know what to say or what to think. There is no specific invitation to wait for as partners are automatically included. And my partner is definitely going. Nothing has been said to me either way. Like last year.

I just feel really stupid tbh. He is included appropriately with my friends. I wouldn't dream of going on a night out with couples without inviting him.

I wouldn't even mind if he said, "Look, AmIMissingSomethingHere, I haven't seen them in ages. Would you mind if I went on my own?" That would be fine and he knows that. But surely that would be acknowledged?

Any ideas?

OP you need to ask him. We can’t help you.
I know you know this. Just bite the bullet and ask him.

Happytaytos and Vodka1 I know you're both right.

I was. Which is why I didn't say anything. I didn't want to have an unpleasant conversation before he went and afterwards there didn't seem much point.

I wouldn't have wanted to go.if he didn't want me there anyway. That would have just been awkward.

If I'd known for sure a few days in advance, I probably would have asked then tbh.

That's probably a good way of asking too. Thanks.

No I know, it's a curse always being right but I carry it well.

Go onnn OP, you got this!

‘Have we got anything on?’ Is suggesting you were invited but then you didn’t mention it so he presumed you were bailing out on this one that’s why he asked what your plans were.

id honestly just ask him, say are we invited or are you planning on going alone?

If you ask him I bet he will respond with something like, 'oh, I didn't think you would want to go'.

You want to establish why the shift happened. There are really only a few reasons:

There was a misunderstanding in communication. E.g., him asking you what your plans were might have been a clunky way of him asking if you were going with him.

Or, he doesn't want you there because you cramp his fun. This might not be because of another person. It might be drugs?

Or, there has been some change in your life. e.g., children?

Have you asked him yet?

More important discussions about general life stuff are fine. He doesn't really do 'emotional' conversations so 'the relationship' isn't discussed.

It's stupid really. He's very open about other things - finances, concerns at work, worries about his mum etc. He tells me he loves me but actual conversations about the relationship? No. So I don't actually know if he's happy or not. Or there's anything bothering him. Or how he feels.

OP , 5 years & you can’t say straight out how you feel ?
I think that’s odd in itself & I’m saying that very kindly .
Like that’s the way I would behave with a friend , do you know what I mean?
As in if a friend & I usually went to such & such a thing together, & then all of a sudden I felt like things were somehow different leading upto event , I had feelings of her not wanting me going with her , such as the feelings you are describing here but with your partner of 5 years .
With my friend I’d be slow in saying it to her straight out , cause well it’s just different isn’t it 🤷🏻‍♀️ , with a friend opposed to a partner .

No, that’s not what I said - what I’m asking is if this is a one off thing where he’s being inconsiderate, or if this is symptomatic of a wider problem in the relationship. What I asked her was what she was getting from the relationship and to consider that, as part of her overall reflection.

Just assume you are going like usual, get ready for the night and see if he says anything. That’s if you don’t want to raise it beforehand.

No, he really was just checking if there was anything already in the diary.

Last year, he kept schtum about everything after that. Previously, when he's wanted me there, I've known he did. It's been talked about in conversation. Last year, when I asked about it, I got very vague answers and this year is the same so far, too.

Like I said before, it's hard to illustrate dynamics and relay entire conversations. He's very open and chatty about things usually. He discusses plans and brings things up and runs them by me. But he's not doing any of that and he didn't last year either.

Last year, I assumed that was just because it was a given I was going and we were far enough into the relationship to for it to just be assumed we were going together as a couple rather than one of us having to check with the other specifically and he'd just forgotten I'd need to know actual details like what time it started and when we were leaving but it was actually the opposite.

OP , what’s your relationship like in general?
You say , maybe he’s embarrassed to be seen with you , I’m sure it’s not that.
Presumably since party last year you guys have been out & about plenty ?

Could you just ask "am I coming with you to Xs party/get together?" He would only have a yes or no option. If its no, then you ask why. I hope its just you over thinking it x

he asked me what my plans were for the evening. I was a bit stunned and said I hadn't got any. And he said, "Oh. OK. Well I'll be leaving at X time."

Could you have confused things by saying you had no plans rather than saying you planned to go out with him? Either way, just ask him.

Or could he be protecting either you or himself from someone who will be there? Someone who doesn't like you, or someone who might tell you something he doesn't want you to know?

All these posters guessing what could be going on when the OP just needs to ask him. Simple.

No, he's out with some of them this evening.

OP are you not asking because you’re afraid what the answer is going to be?

What's the point of living with someone if you're too timid to speak up and open a conversation? Seems to me you either speak up or break up.

But why would he be embarrassed to be out with you? Why do you think so?

You are explaining yourself very well. Something has changed. I don't know you or him so I won't speculate on what that is. I do think that you are right to question it though.

Exactly what I was going to suggest. Bite the bullet and ask. It's not fair on you.

You have every right to be bothered about this, especially after 5 years together. I'd be raging, and well done on biting your tongue about the "what are your plans for this evening?" occasion. I don't think I could've not asked why he thinks I wouldn't be going.

I can understand you not wanting to open a can of worms, and I'm guessing you are scared of what you'll hear if you ask, but personally, I think even if it goes south, the hurt you are feeling must be worse and things can't really go on like this.

I hope you get to the bottom of it, but his behaviour is hurtful and you need to get to the bottom of it.

I think my natural reaction would have been "oh am I not going?" if you usually do go together. He should have had a conversation with you if he wanted to attend alone for whatever reason.. but if he is meeting other couples, surely he would feel like the odd one leaving his partner behind 🤷‍♀️ Are they your friends too? Can you not get ready and meet them there if you want?