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Original poster

What would you think about this? My partner is excluding me from things without explanation.

162 replies

AmIJustMissingSomethingHere · 02/04/2026 19:52

I've been with my partner for 5 years.

He has a lot of friends from the area where he grew up and, whenever it's someone's birthday or whatever, they tend to put on a gig at a local pub and all get together there to celebrate.

It's always quite an informal affair - everyone is invited - friends, husbands, wives, partners, girfriends/boyfriends of 6 weeks. In fact you're less invited and more presumed to be going. This is relevant.

Since we've been together, I've gone to several of these events with him. This is also relevant.

Except that, last summer, my partner went to one and didn't take me with him. There had been a lot of talk about it and because of the nature of the nights, it's always presented more as, "It's so-and-sos birthday on X. Such and such are playing. Have we got anything on?"

Last summer, we had the same conversation. The day before, I realised I hadn't got specific details and asked, "What time is it starting tomorrow?" He told me but that was it. I know how long it takes to get there so no problem. Only the following day, he asked me what my plans were for the evening. I was a bit stunned and said I hadn't got any. And he said, "Oh. OK. Well I'll be leaving at X time."

I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say. I could have asked why I wasn't going with him but the small physical distance between us suddenly felt huge and I didn't feel like I could; I didn't want to have an upsetting conversation before he was going out for the evening and I didn't want to spend the evening on my own after a conversation that wasn't ever going to be positive.

I wondered if maybe that night was different for some reason but, no, the following day when he talked about it, the usual people had been there - all the same friends, husbands, wives, partners and girlfriends/boyfriends of 6 weeks... Just not me.

It's not been mentioned since. I've never asked and he's never explained. I'd pretty much forgotten about it, tbh.

But a few weeks ago, the conversation arose again. "It's John's birthday on Y at Z. There's a band playing. Have we got anything on?" No. Great!

Except that once again, there's been no mention of me going. I haven't been told I'm not going but then I wasn't last time either

We've been to gigs and the pub with John and his wife a few times. I can't think of any conceivable reason why John wouldn't want me there. We've always got on. I've always got on with his wife.

They're all very laid back and it's a live music pub where people are packed in until they're spilling out onto the street and no catering so not an issue of numbers.

In fact, the only probable explanation is that my partner doesn't want me there.

I just don't know what to say or what to think. There is no specific invitation to wait for as partners are automatically included. And my partner is definitely going. Nothing has been said to me either way. Like last year.

I just feel really stupid tbh. He is included appropriately with my friends. I wouldn't dream of going on a night out with couples without inviting him.

I wouldn't even mind if he said, "Look, AmIMissingSomethingHere, I haven't seen them in ages. Would you mind if I went on my own?" That would be fine and he knows that. But surely that would be acknowledged?

Any ideas?

OP posts:
newusername4321 · 02/04/2026 20:39

I’ve been guilty of similar in the distant past - didn’t invite my boyfriend to join in on nights out with friends. For me it meant I felt deep down I didn’t see a future with him and wanted to appear single when out having fun. But I was still having a hard time letting go of that relationship. Remember though this was just me, not your partner. How has it been outside of these events? Has he seemed normal and loving as usual?

Tacohill · 02/04/2026 20:57

Why not just ask him if you’re invited?

Its possible that he just wants to go be with his mates and have a separate social life (which is fine) but I feel like if he really didn’t want you going then he’d make an excuse of no partners or not mention they’re going anything.

You’re just going to have to ask him.

chimein · 02/04/2026 21:02

OP don’t do the passive aggressive ‘what time are we leaving on Saturday?’ type conversation starter. This leaves it open for him to mumble ‘about 7pm’, you go along, it feels off and you’re back to square one. Say to him ‘about Johns thing on Saturday, the last gig I felt I wasn’t invited to and this time I don’t feel sure either… do you want me to come?’ Then you’ll get your answer.

Wildgoat · 02/04/2026 21:07

Isn’t th4 real question here op that you don’t want to ask him?

nutbrownhare15 · 02/04/2026 21:15

I think if you can't talk to him about this in the context of a five year relationship, that is a bigger problem in your relationship that also needs sorting. Couples counselling?

JLou08 · 02/04/2026 21:19

The biggest issue here is that you can't talk to your partner of 5 years. You can't even simply say "Am I invited?" Instead, you're looking for answers from a bunch of strangers the internet who don't know either of you.

Anyahyacinth · 02/04/2026 21:29

Sounds like he is wanting to present as single at these events...why else wouldn't he include you?

localnotail · 02/04/2026 21:39

This all sounds very strange. He did not ask you why you were not going, and actually made sure you were excluded? You need to ask him outright but I'm afraid its not a good sign. Someone at these events turned his head and he wants to be there alone.

I would turn up but slightly later after the start, and not let him know I'm there - just have a look what is going on.

Original poster
AmIJustMissingSomethingHere · 02/04/2026 21:41

WallaceinAnderland · 02/04/2026 20:31

I wouldn't just turn up.

But you literally just said that's what the whole set up is. No invites, just turn up.

It's not that simple. I can't just turn up on my own without him anymore than he would just turn up to a night with my friends if I didn't specifically invite him even if other partners were there.

They'd wonder why we'd turned up separately if nothing else. And surely he'd wonder why I were there if he didn't want me.

OP posts:
Missj25 · 02/04/2026 21:41

AmIJustMissingSomethingHere · 02/04/2026 19:52

I've been with my partner for 5 years.

He has a lot of friends from the area where he grew up and, whenever it's someone's birthday or whatever, they tend to put on a gig at a local pub and all get together there to celebrate.

It's always quite an informal affair - everyone is invited - friends, husbands, wives, partners, girfriends/boyfriends of 6 weeks. In fact you're less invited and more presumed to be going. This is relevant.

Since we've been together, I've gone to several of these events with him. This is also relevant.

Except that, last summer, my partner went to one and didn't take me with him. There had been a lot of talk about it and because of the nature of the nights, it's always presented more as, "It's so-and-sos birthday on X. Such and such are playing. Have we got anything on?"

Last summer, we had the same conversation. The day before, I realised I hadn't got specific details and asked, "What time is it starting tomorrow?" He told me but that was it. I know how long it takes to get there so no problem. Only the following day, he asked me what my plans were for the evening. I was a bit stunned and said I hadn't got any. And he said, "Oh. OK. Well I'll be leaving at X time."

I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say. I could have asked why I wasn't going with him but the small physical distance between us suddenly felt huge and I didn't feel like I could; I didn't want to have an upsetting conversation before he was going out for the evening and I didn't want to spend the evening on my own after a conversation that wasn't ever going to be positive.

I wondered if maybe that night was different for some reason but, no, the following day when he talked about it, the usual people had been there - all the same friends, husbands, wives, partners and girlfriends/boyfriends of 6 weeks... Just not me.

It's not been mentioned since. I've never asked and he's never explained. I'd pretty much forgotten about it, tbh.

But a few weeks ago, the conversation arose again. "It's John's birthday on Y at Z. There's a band playing. Have we got anything on?" No. Great!

Except that once again, there's been no mention of me going. I haven't been told I'm not going but then I wasn't last time either

We've been to gigs and the pub with John and his wife a few times. I can't think of any conceivable reason why John wouldn't want me there. We've always got on. I've always got on with his wife.

They're all very laid back and it's a live music pub where people are packed in until they're spilling out onto the street and no catering so not an issue of numbers.

In fact, the only probable explanation is that my partner doesn't want me there.

I just don't know what to say or what to think. There is no specific invitation to wait for as partners are automatically included. And my partner is definitely going. Nothing has been said to me either way. Like last year.

I just feel really stupid tbh. He is included appropriately with my friends. I wouldn't dream of going on a night out with couples without inviting him.

I wouldn't even mind if he said, "Look, AmIMissingSomethingHere, I haven't seen them in ages. Would you mind if I went on my own?" That would be fine and he knows that. But surely that would be acknowledged?

Any ideas?

I’m confused.
The party is told you about that’s on now , he told you about it & asked you had you guys anything on ?
That to me is him inviting you aswel 🤷🏻‍♀️.
Yeah , I don’t get why on the day of last years party why he didn’t ask you were you coming alright , that was a bit odd

Sensiblesal · 02/04/2026 21:41

NotAWurstToIt · 02/04/2026 20:09

OP I think you could try saying to him something like, I’m really curious why you assume I’m not coming to X’s function. It feels like you don’t want me to come, why is that?
On the flip side - what are you getting from this relationship? Is he kind/caring in other ways? If he’s generally a good partner the. It’s worth discussing, but if he’s overall thoughtless then maybe it’s worth evaluating if you want to stay with him?

Seriously, you are advising her to consider leaving him over that.

my god

Original poster
AmIJustMissingSomethingHere · 02/04/2026 21:42

chimein · 02/04/2026 21:02

OP don’t do the passive aggressive ‘what time are we leaving on Saturday?’ type conversation starter. This leaves it open for him to mumble ‘about 7pm’, you go along, it feels off and you’re back to square one. Say to him ‘about Johns thing on Saturday, the last gig I felt I wasn’t invited to and this time I don’t feel sure either… do you want me to come?’ Then you’ll get your answer.

Yes. That's what I think I'm going to have to do.

I don't want to go if he doesn't actually want me there.

OP posts:
Catcatcatcatcat · 02/04/2026 21:46

I would be concerned he had an interest in someone else who is attending these get togethers. 💐

mindutopia · 02/04/2026 21:49

If he sees many of his friends only at these events, is it not just that he wants to hang out with his mates without having to do the couple thing?

I mean, I love Dh, but if I only saw most of my friends a few times a year, I probably wouldn’t want to always drag him along. I’d just want a night out with my friends.

I don’t think it’s the same saying you encourage him to go out more often. He doesn’t want to go out more often. He just wants to have a big night out with his friends when they happen a few times a year, and that seems fair enough. Maybe let him hang with his mates and then organise something for his friends and their partners, Sunday roast at yours, drinks and a BBQ, etc.

Original poster
AmIJustMissingSomethingHere · 02/04/2026 21:51

Interesting perspective; when I read that part i took it more as he was asking her what she was doing this evening to make it clear that his plans were separate and to reinforce that. If he wanted her to go I would of expected him to say "don't forget X's function at 8 tonight", not "what are your plans for the evening?".

Yes, thats what it was. If he'd thought i were going he'd have asked did I want to eat before we left or get something on the way or whatever. Or remind me what time we were leaving. But he'd said nothing.

If we're doing something together or going somewhere together, he's very chatty about it. It's never like getting blood out of a stone.

It felt a bit off last time but because I'd never not been included before, I just thought he wasn't saying anything because it was a given I was going rather than the opposite.

That's how it feels again this time. Its not for a few weeks but he hasn't shared any details with me beyond telling me when it was and checking we/he were free or talked about it at all.

I know its hard to explain it on a thread because no one else knows the dynamics of a relationship and there's so much that's unsaid that you learn to read in a person you're close to.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIJustMissingSomethingHere · 02/04/2026 21:54

mindutopia · 02/04/2026 21:49

If he sees many of his friends only at these events, is it not just that he wants to hang out with his mates without having to do the couple thing?

I mean, I love Dh, but if I only saw most of my friends a few times a year, I probably wouldn’t want to always drag him along. I’d just want a night out with my friends.

I don’t think it’s the same saying you encourage him to go out more often. He doesn’t want to go out more often. He just wants to have a big night out with his friends when they happen a few times a year, and that seems fair enough. Maybe let him hang with his mates and then organise something for his friends and their partners, Sunday roast at yours, drinks and a BBQ, etc.

Edited

Like I've said, if that were the case it would be fine but he wouldn't be having a night out with just his friends because they'll all be with their wives and partners anyway.

None of them ever go to these things without their wives and partners etc. The only people who turn up unaccompanied are the single ones.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIJustMissingSomethingHere · 02/04/2026 21:56

Catcatcatcatcat · 02/04/2026 21:46

I would be concerned he had an interest in someone else who is attending these get togethers. 💐

That has occurred to me.

I'd be surprised because most of the people who go have known each other for years. The only 'new blood' is new partners.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 02/04/2026 21:56

chimein · 02/04/2026 21:02

OP don’t do the passive aggressive ‘what time are we leaving on Saturday?’ type conversation starter. This leaves it open for him to mumble ‘about 7pm’, you go along, it feels off and you’re back to square one. Say to him ‘about Johns thing on Saturday, the last gig I felt I wasn’t invited to and this time I don’t feel sure either… do you want me to come?’ Then you’ll get your answer.

Exactly. No game playing. Though it might turn out to be an uncomfortable conversation.

Vodka1 · 02/04/2026 21:57

Ok but what is it that is stopping you from asking him?

I hear you when you say you feel he doesn't want you there, but him not liking conflict and you avoiding it, when does it end? Only you are suffering by not asking him so why are you going to do this to yourself?

'Hey was I invited to johns party or you flying solo this time? love you x'

You have to ask because no one else but he knows really.

Original poster
AmIJustMissingSomethingHere · 02/04/2026 21:57

Sensiblesal · 02/04/2026 21:41

Seriously, you are advising her to consider leaving him over that.

my god

Show quote history

I wouldn't leave him over this but it feels like a bit of a barometer moment. There is a reason for it.

I just don't know what the reason is.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIJustMissingSomethingHere · 02/04/2026 22:00

Vodka1 · 02/04/2026 21:57

Ok but what is it that is stopping you from asking him?

I hear you when you say you feel he doesn't want you there, but him not liking conflict and you avoiding it, when does it end? Only you are suffering by not asking him so why are you going to do this to yourself?

'Hey was I invited to johns party or you flying solo this time? love you x'

You have to ask because no one else but he knows really.

I suppose the thought that I'd be opening a bit ofna can of worms or starting down a trajectory I'm not quite ready for if he has checked out or is embarrassed to he seen with le or just doesn't enjoy company.

Or that he isn't honest in his answer because he doesn't.want to be truthful about it and then I'm no further forward.

I'm just kicking the can down the road really. I know that.

OP posts:
Vodka1 · 02/04/2026 22:04

AmIJustMissingSomethingHere · 02/04/2026 22:00

I suppose the thought that I'd be opening a bit ofna can of worms or starting down a trajectory I'm not quite ready for if he has checked out or is embarrassed to he seen with le or just doesn't enjoy company.

Or that he isn't honest in his answer because he doesn't.want to be truthful about it and then I'm no further forward.

I'm just kicking the can down the road really. I know that.

Show quote history

I suppose a little bit you might be, but also it may be something so very silly, a comment you've made or a way you've acted that makes him think you don't want too, or don't enjoy it.

You say he is other wise lovely, and he doesn't like conflict but what if it's really a misunderstanding and you're both missing out on each other.

There is not always a need to look at it negatively, but you won't ever know if you never ask.

Worst case is he doesn't want you there, and you ask him why. And work on that from there.

Worth a shot!

Happytaytos · 02/04/2026 22:04

AmIJustMissingSomethingHere · 02/04/2026 22:00

I suppose the thought that I'd be opening a bit ofna can of worms or starting down a trajectory I'm not quite ready for if he has checked out or is embarrassed to he seen with le or just doesn't enjoy company.

Or that he isn't honest in his answer because he doesn't.want to be truthful about it and then I'm no further forward.

I'm just kicking the can down the road really. I know that.

Show quote history

I'd rather know than not. If he's checked out, you can walk away before it gets more shit. Don't hold on to the scrag end of a relationship, be proud and ask!

Original poster
AmIJustMissingSomethingHere · 02/04/2026 22:04

Missj25 · 02/04/2026 21:41

I’m confused.
The party is told you about that’s on now , he told you about it & asked you had you guys anything on ?
That to me is him inviting you aswel 🤷🏻‍♀️.
Yeah , I don’t get why on the day of last years party why he didn’t ask you were you coming alright , that was a bit odd

Show quote history

Well, the 'bit odd' from last year is causing me to doubt this year too.

Because the pattern of communication around it that I'm seeing this year is the same as last year and not the same pattern I saw around previous events when he wanted me there, when he told me who else was going and checked I was going too and just talked about it generally.

Besides, the new normal that is now established is that I don't go.

OP posts:
OneNewEagle · 02/04/2026 22:05

Are you going to johns party thing alone like last year? I’d like to check now even though it’s in a few weeks as I’m marking things in my diary/calendar?

something like that. If I’d have been left alone the first time I’d have asked then as I would have been really hurt and confused to be excluded.