(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

I can’t remember . Maybe a week or two?

what will happen if I engage with a local dv service ? Does anyone have any experience? I’m very nervous . I want to ask them for a specialist counsellor as you guys recommended

JFC - a week after you've given birth and your body is still healing he pestered you for a wank or a bj.

Honestly this is so far away from a normal healthy relationship. He literally sees you as being put on the earth to service him and not as a person in your own right.

A week or two reprieve from being sexually coerced after birth is so bleak OP 😔 it’s so far from normal and so far from a loving relationship I wish you could see what it’s like in a normal, loving relationship.

A week or two after birth, decent men aren’t even expecting sexual contact for months, let alone requesting it.

You had just carried and given birth to his previous child and after 7-14 days he wanted you to wank him off or perform oral sex on him.

Then when you had sex, if your tiny little dependent baby started to cry he swore about it, got angry and expected you to settle them as quickly as possible and return to finish sex until he ejaculated.

He is despicable.

My husband never even mentioned anything sexual post partum until I brought it up, and that was a good couple of months after giving birth. And he has a high sex drive. That's not to gloat OP, that's purely to show you how utterly abnormal this all is.

I dont know which advice line you are planning to call, but this explains what they will offer/ do

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/ www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/]]]]

Repulsive isn’t it? Getting his dick wet takes priority to the needs of a tiny newborn human being.

Honestly a man like this would make my vagina clap shut so tight it would take a crowbar to reopen it. He’s a disgusting human being, absolute scum

Yes I thought this one or there is a more local organisation near me , thank you. This is helpful. I’m scared what will happen if they start getting involved and he finds out

OP I think you’d be better calling woman’s aid local service. You can filter by area.

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/womens-aid-directory/
What they can help with
https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

i do understand why you’d say that
but it’s all I’ve known in a long term relationship and although it might sound disgusting to you written in black and white there is a lot of in-between that goes on in real life that doesn’t make it so gross as that

there are a lot of complicated feelings of love, trust and trauma rolled into one

Thank you, have you any experience in calling them? I’m wondering what will happen
if I say ‘yes I’m experiencing dv’

Someone who rapes you doesn’t love you.
You cannot trust someone who rapes you.
Trauma is a powerful bonding tool abusers use to confuse and control their victims.

All of this is so important for you to work towards understanding.

You cannot trust him with your body (he assaults and rapes you), your mind (he lies to you and even admitted gaslighting you when he said he didn’t remember then admitted he did but was just ashamed) or your children (he is emotionally and verbally abusing them, putting them in danger with erratic driving and teaching them that the cycle of abuse is normal with his explosive temper, big apology, quiet period cycle).

He is not on your side x

They will only intervene if you ask them to. But you think there is no risk to you or the children. That can be your first question to give you peace of mind.

have a list of questions you want to ask: eg recommendations for specialist therapy. You need to get out of the mindset that this isn’t domestic abuse. It is. You’ve had over 1000 posts confirming it is. You can explain to women’s aid what you are experiencing. No access to family bank accounts, sex on demand, angry displays etc. I’m sure they hear these stories all day, every day. You can do this.

I wonder if calling it “domestic abuse” might help you feel like this is more real OP?

While his sexual assaults of you are often rough and therefore violent, I know you personally find this hard to come to terms with as you consider violence to be hitting/punching.

Maybe if you say ‘I am experiencing domestic abuse’ rather than violence it may take away some of the fear you have of feeling like the label doesn’t fit?

This is absolutely vile. Repulsive. The ‘man’ is a disgrace. A nasty, abusive, manipulative rapist.

My husband has a very high sex drive OP. Never has he ever, coerced me into doing anything sexual to him or for him especially after having babies. He’s waited months and months before and never even mentioned it let alone pestered or worse, raped me. Never have I had to worry or even think about what kind of mood he will be in, I’ve never been afraid to bring anything up to him. This is so far from normal. it is so abusive, so wrong.

This man is SO dangerous.

They won't make you do anything or expect you to make any decisions right away, OP, if that's what you're worried about.

It's a scary thing, but you can literally put down the phone at any time and then try again later, if it feels too much.

This is very good advice.

Because you’ve been groomed for so many years by this predatory manipulative abuser to believe that love is about control and pain. It’s not love its abuse and trauma bonding.

It’s excellent advice to call it abuse rather than violence if that helps you speak up. And please tell the DA helpline everything including how your kids are also being abused by him. They’ve heard many stories over the years and they are there to hear you

They are not going to jump in reporting you to social services. There are far far too many women calling them every day - thats why there are waiting lists and waiting times where you cant get through - social services just dont have the capacity to handle that amount of work.

And what the children are seeing is coercive and controlling, but the bar is high for reporting, given many are in immediate physical danger to life.

Maybe, later down the track, you may wish to involve them yourself as a step towards getting away, and a pro-active step of protection. And they will be able to help and advise you in all the different layers of support you can access. But those are later steps which may seem totally improbable at the moment. Right now you need the baby steps for yourself, for the hidden abuse.

I feel you need to make sure that they know

1. the financial control - refusal to allow any access to family money, his gaslighting and distracting away from any kind of joint account
2. . the past drinking and behaviour, and how you feel endebted to him for stopping drinking when you had young babies
3. the double standards re his partying - ie he made you feel guilty and shamed for the same things he was doing and, to a certain extent continued to do whilst making you feel you should stay at home
4. his monthly rages and dangerous driving to keep everyone in line, and behaving, and his cycle of hands on fun loving dad in between
5. his rape, sexual abuse, sexual coercion and constant sexual pestering of you.
6. his refusal to respect any sexual boundaries you try to put in place.

I would tell them that you find it very hard to understand what healthy is, because you got together when you were age x, and he was 12 years older, and you were vulnerable after a previos sexual assalt. You have believed him when he has told you that the sexual side is just a normal marriage where a man fancies his wife so much, and be flattered by his attention. I would also say that its also confusing because besides items 5&6, which you are struggling to see as abuse, and inbetween item 4, he appears to be the perfect huisband.

If you want to use this as a list to keep on track,. please feel free.

sadly you are in the position of a huge number of women. I think your maturing is what is making you realise that things are not as they seem. This is why these types of men target youngsters, who have no experience of the world.

and I second what others said.
Domestic abuse.
You can call the rape Non consensual, and mainly coercive - that often you are made to feel guilty that you have made him sad by saying no, so you say yes

This is so so helpful ❤️ thank you thank you x
baby steps is what I need
anything too much freaks me out

Another solid post from @NettleTea! There is so much that goes under point 5 in particular too.

I know you worry about dramatising your situation and that you feel an imposter in seeking help for DV. I don’t think any of us are surprised you feel that way given the dynamics of your relationship, but please remember so many people have told you how bad it is.

I know it will sound more stark when written by you here than how you experience it in real life, but you should believe the posters who have said how disgusting your husband’s behaviour in your post-partum period. There’s no two ways about it, no good man would try any of that, no way.

You’ve hit the nail on the head I do feel like an imposter.
But I will try and take this step when I get a minute to myself

I take all the comments on board x

I hope you’re not feeling harassed here to make the call asap, completely understand you need the right circumstances to make it and that’s not going to be this weekend! x

no no, it won’t be this weekend . Won’t have a second!
Thanks though x

There are practical things you could do now. Here are some things I’d do.

Check your national insurance contributions on gov.uk. I expect there were periods where you didn’t work. It’s worth claiming child benefit (but don’t take the payment as your husband is a high earner). If you claim child benefit you will get national insurance credits which go towards your state pension entitlement. You can tell him you saw it on Martin Lewis. There was a point where you could buy years, it may have passed.

At some point, get an interest free credit card in your name. You need to start establishing a good credit score. Use it for small things and clear it off instantly.

I know he does all the financial stuff. Is the house mortgage in joint names?
Start taking more interest in the financial side of things. Don’t do it just now but you’re building up to getting access to accounts.

I am sure others have suggestions.