(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

I love the pregnancy, new baby period. It’s when I’m happiest.

That's probably because you get six weeks off sex. It's interesting that he could control himself on those occasions but can't control himself now isn't it.

But even that new baby period is tarnished by your husband muttering ‘for fucks sake’ and being visibly annoyed, if your precious newborn baby starts to cry while you and your husband are having sex. Then expects you to finish sex once you’ve settled the baby. He is utterly poisonous.

I wish your the best with your recovery.

I think it’s because (analysing myself here!) I feel extra special when I’m pregnant as he treats me (in general - obviously aside from the most recent pregnancy where the SA happened) like a princess when I’m carrying his babies. Like he’s really proud of me and he feels more protective.

Im aware that makes me sound like a silly little girl but there you go. And the overwhelming happiness and bonding after birth and hormones and everything. It’s addictive.

But I definitely know now that we have reached our limit and anymore would be a mistake

You don’t sound like a silly girl OP, you sound like the victim of an abuser who has brainwashed you.

Brainwashed you to the point that you say he is extra protective of you when you’re pregnant and treats you like a princess when you’re pregnant when in fact he raped you from behind while you cried while you were heavily pregnant.

It’s heartbreaking what a number he’s done on you. Please, please find a new therapist as well as continuing to offload on here if it is helpful.

I've been following the whole thread and wonder if some practical advice about separation with 4 kids might help? I mean maybe it feels easier to stay than to go through those hurdles and wondering how it will all pan out. It can be overwhelming.

I am going to contact another local service which provides therapy from victims of DV - I just have a hard time accepting/ saying that it’s DV… is that normal ?!

ill try calling them soon but he’s always here at the moment I can’t get a minute

I feel it would be impossible but if anyone’s done it I’d be interested to hear their story …

So does he still insist on daily sex when you are pregnant? Or does he "limit himself" to less sex , so you feel grateful for the relief from being raped?

And, how long does he not insist on sex, post partum? Does he leave you be until at least the GP check up?
Or does he insist on sex sooner?

And, has he got angry at being 'interrupted" by a tiny crying newborn, and then insisting on raping you once you've settled the baby, with every child?

No the wanting it daily thing has been building over years , as he gets more stressed by family and financial pressures it’s seemed to get worse and directly correlate. So the most recent pregnancy was the worst in terms of sex and since then too.

I don’t remember it being an issue in the first or second pregnancy. Couple times a week would have been fine.

We usually waited 6 weeks I believe. I felt ready too. I don’t to paint the picture that every time we’ve been intimate it’s been forced. It’s really not like that at all.

He has always been frustrated by the babies waking when we’re trying to have sex. It’s always been an issue as they were all poor sleepers in the beginning and needed a lot of holding/feeding. He knew they needed me deep down but he couldn’t seem to control the initial annoyance of being interrupted- sometimes twice or more .

Whilst he waited the 6 weeks, did he try to persuade you into other sexual activity in the meantime or did he truly leave you alone,?

Most people (especially with other children) aren't having sex twice a week throughout pregnancy btw!

My husband left me alone, sexually (but we still had lots of cuddles, kisses and intimacy) until I made it clear I wanted penetrating sex.

That's what decent men do.

And no, sex twice a week with a baby and tiny children around really isn't normal

Sex twice a week with only a baby isn't ok, either, if you don't want it.

Sex if you don't want it is never ok.

Whatever the reason.

No he never leaves me alone. Even when sex is off the table I’m always been asked for ‘other things’ .
Im coming to realise the more people that reply what their normal is that his sex drive is not what most people consider normal.
it’s my normal so I’ve never questioned it until he started taking without consent

So he wasn't truly leaving you alone, even after you'd just given birth. The more I read the more horrified I am. How quickly did he start asking for blow/hand jobs after you gave birth? Within a couple of weeks I'd imagine, if not earlier.

This isn't about him having a high sex drive. You can have a high sex drive and not be a vile rapist and abuser. This is about him putting his own sexual gratification over your wellbeing.

Yes, and is it a sex drive or something else?
What is it he actually "needs" when he phrases wanting sex as a "need"?
Because if it's an orgasm, he can simply go and have a wank. And as a satisfaction of a physical need I would expect that does the trick.
But you tell us he says that "doesn't work" for him. What does he mean by that? Why is it that a hand job from you "works" but his own hand job doesn't?

What is it he thinks he actually "needs"?

I have no idea - maybe me being involved?

if I call the dv service and talk to them will they consider this to be dv? I’m nervous. I feel like a fraud compared to what others deal with. What will happen? Will they get child protection involved ? Can anyone who’s done it advise?

We had a lovely few days and I can feel myself packing it all away at the back of my mind again

You taking steps to protect your children (and yourself), before things get worse and people outside the family start noticing will go a long way.

I know it's scary, but your children do need protecting, and you need protecting, and just a conversation with DV services will give you a clearer picture of your options x

I have no idea - maybe me being involved?

Which isn't a need is it, it's a want. He doesn't "need" you involved, he wants you involved - even, even when you say no and even when you are crying. It's a blurring the lines between the body's biological need for certain things versus wants/desires. I can just about imagine a biological need for a man's body to have regular orgasms but the body doesn't care how that is achieved. Him "needing" you involved is a selfish want, and he'll even get you involved when he knows you don't want to be.

It's a crude comparison but if he was really hungry and you were eating a sandwich, is it ok for him to just grab the sandwich off you to satisfy his hunger?

And yes domestic abuse services will absolutely take you seriously, this is very serious abuse even if you don't consider it as violence.

You've had a lovely few days because you deliberately avoided challenging him - if you look back at your own posts you said you were going to, otherwise he would spoil Easter for the children not just you.

Sweeping everything under the carpet doesn't mean everything is OK.

How long after you give birth does he usually wait to ask you to perform a sex act on him?

You only had a lovely few days because you deliberately acted in a way that placated him.

You said that you didn’t want to ‘spoil’ Easter so didn’t want to raise anything even as simple as “let’s get that joint account set up” because you knew he would then punish you with bad moods.

If you have to force your worries to the back of your mind and placate someone else out of fear of their moods to have a ‘lovely time’ then you aren’t really having a lovely time at all.

Agree with this. It seems the times the OP described as wonderful and perfect are when she’s twisting herself into a pretzel to pander to and placate his every whim.
Its a Disney home as long as he’s in control and the world revolves around him.

It’s so controlling manipulative and abusive and a million miles from domestic bliss.

Agree with others, you've had a nice few days because you've tiptoed around him and not brought up anything that might make him angry (that's not a dig at you at all, you're a victim in this). You are walking on eggshells and that's not how a marriage should be.

DV services would absolutely take all of this seriously. Even if he has never struck you, he has been abusive and violent in countless other ways.