also I know previously that you said that you were an adult so that makes it all as much yur equal responsibility as his - but I dont know if you can square the circle that there are two things amiss here. You may 'legally' be an adult at 18, and traditional society has you placed as full adult at 21, but your brain doesnt fully mature until you are 26 and then still takes some time to settle into its mature state.
Plus there is an age gap. Which makes a big difference. 12 years is a huge difference in brain maturity and life experience during the ages of late teen/early 20s and say 30/34. When I look at myself at 20 and look at myself at 34, they are absolute poles apart in what I thought I knew and who I gave authority over me, and what I had experienced in life.
I am assuming that you are not even quite at the point where he was when you met. But look at someone 12 years younger than yourself now. Do you think you are equal? would you be able to pass yourself off as an authority on things and they, trusting you had their best interests at heart, would they believe you.
You talk of wild times, but wild times are just a normal part of growing up. Be that drinking alot. Sleeping with many people. Taking recreational drugs. Running around in the street with your friends shrieking with laughter and tottering about in heels too high and skirts too short. Its fine. Its called being young.
And he did it too. And Im sure he enjoyed it as well.
But he seems to have used what was a normal part of both of your lives as a stick to emotionally guilt trip and beat you with. Firstly that you needed 'saving' from your wild past, that you should feel guilty about. And for him 'giving up the drinking' which he did for you, because it was , rightfully, causing issues between the partnership (let me guess, you stayed home like a nice girl, possibly looking after babies, while he continued his wild lifestyle to a slightly lesser extent, then came home and was abusive)
But easing up on those things is a normal part of a healthy relationship - its not some great saviour story, its what you do when you decide to settle down and have kids. The clue is in the words 'settle down'. Settling down from the party times, deciding that normal part of the courtship process is over, and together you are going to raise and look after a family.
You also say he was a player - which means he has had 12 years of experience of learning the gift of the gab, of how to manipulate, and to learn how to pull the emotional strings. He was primed and ready to target someone who was young, inexperienced and vulnerable, and that his charm worked and he was able to move so fast, especially with someone so recently violated and traumatised by another man, showed how he had perfected his technique and radar. Someone mentioned the shark cage analogy - its really worth taking a look at that. Its not your fault that he was able to target you, but because your boundaries were weak or non existent, things which seemed intense or romantic too you while you were being love bombed, would have been huge red flags to many.
So as others said, him looking after his kids is what a father is supposed to do. Its not helping you out - indeed if you are working, he SHOULD be doing 50-50 on all the household stuff. Very few men actually do, but he doesnt deserve a prize because he is playing a role in running a household.
And he isnt being equal, because you dont have any idea of the finances, only his work. For all you know he has been stashing thousands off the back of your labour and financial ignorance - if your wages pay for you and the kids, how do you know this is equitable, that you are making a contribution which gives both of you equal access to spare spending or saving money? Are you on the deeds of the house (it probably isnt relevant as you are married, so assets are yours too) but it would indicate if he sees all the assets as 'his'.
But the biggest issue is the silent control he exerts over you because of the violence that he has exhibited previously. He can fill your day with proclamations of love (which again is a huge red flag in itself because its really immature and childish, especially given where you currently are in the relationship - it feels patronising and placating, like the verbal equivalent of the bunch of flowers grabbed from the garage on the way home after doing something awful) rather than actual intentional deep engaging coupled with action. Are 'I love you/ your so pretty / I fancy you' all he really has got? Arent you embarrassed for him? Does he actually know who you are?