(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

What would you like to do Poet? Do you think that reconnecting means the same thing to you both? If not, then maybe park his suggestion for now and tell him that you want to focus on time together as a family, with the kids.

I wonder whether your headspace (and heart space) might be better spent connecting to yourself right now. It’s easy to deprioritise yourself when you are caring for others. So much so that it’s hard to hear what your own voice may be trying to tell you.

I was awake in the wee small hours the other night/morning, and saw your post about what happened to you. I immediately started to respond, to ask if you were okay, but deleted before posting as I was as afraid that maybe it wasn’t you, but your husband that had posted. I worried about what might happen to you if that were the case.

Maybe it was just that things seem worse in the middle of the night, but even as a stranger to you, I was unsure and afraid for you in that moment. So I get it that you feel conflicted, and overwhelmed at times.

I hope you will keep considering it all Poet. And that you will keep posting here - so many lovely MNs have you in their thoughts every day. They, we, are here for you. x

Oh Jesus. Thanks for the reminder to stay aware. I just don’t believe he’d go that far, if it’s all about control why would he take things that far?

my main concern would be that it would be like a ‘dirty weekend’ basically and he would expect a lot of sex for us to ‘reconnect’ . All day in bed with room service type of trip which I’m just not in the headspace for. Obviously!

Oh my god NO

a whole weekend away with him, that will be sex morning afternoon evening and night !

whether you want it / agree or not !

Oh God no, a weekend away with just him, so he can rape you non stop?
Just say NO

If he is ultimately a good guy, you saying actually I don't feel a weekend away is what I want right now, maybe ask me again in a few months - that should be no problem, should it?

and we won't be surprised if you are pregnant as a result as you will ' accidentally ' not pack your pills / won't be able to find them !!!

I would bet my mortgage on his idea of reconnecting means fucking morning noon and night without those pesky kids getting in the way

If he REALLY wants to give you a break, why doesn't he book YOU a weekend break, whilst HE stays home and looks after the children?

why would he take things that far?

Because abusive men kill their partners when they lose control of them.

It's very, very common which is why women are told that the most dangerous time with an abusive man is when they are about to leave him.

Putting his hand on your neck is also an extremely strong signal that he is thinking about it and he has already done this to you.

So if he knows that you are struggling mentally, why does he insist on repeatedly pressuring you?

What is the actual reason he thinks you are going to therapy for? Is it the previous sexual assault or the one he performed?

my main concern would be that it would be like a ‘dirty weekend’ basically and he would expect a lot of sex for us to ‘reconnect’

He is completely ignoring that just a few days ago you told him that you wanted to take sex off the table for a while.

He has just suggested the exact opposite of what you expressly said. Why do you think that is?

All I can see from the outside looking in, is your husband’s need for utter dominance over you. Each time you ask for space, he comes back smothering you with more pressure and expectation of sex.
It’s not even about reconnecting right now. It’s about repairing and rebuilding but all he’s doing is damaging even more.

His reaction to you declining the proposed trip will speak volumes. I’d bet my house he’ll be petulant and spin it that he’s trying to do something nice for you to make you feel better and you just throw it back in his face… He’ll say he can’t win…

The guilt tripping and gaslighting is so predictable.

He knows it’s for both.

He thinks they are connected, in the sense that that how I view sex is effected by the prior trauma of essentially being beaten up by a boy during , sex maybe, I never found out. Presuming that I was unconscious at the time it’s not like I would have even ‘fought back’ . Still haunts me to this day :(

If there is money for a trip, why don't you go and stay with your best friend for a few days.

I must admit that does sound like something he would say.

I said I’ll think about it

Interesting he said recently there wasn’t enough money for you to have regular counselling, but there’s enough for you to have a weekend away when he wants to.

It’s very obvious the weekend away is the aim of more sex for him under the guise of ‘look how good I am to you, treating you to a weekend away’. It’s more mind games. He wants to continue to sexually assault you because he enjoys it. It’s so painful to watch this unfold again in real time but I hope that our replies will help you say no to the weekend away idea.

You will be even more vulnerable than you are at home. He’s creating the perfect environment in which to assault you and be able to call you ungrateful if you resist.

Im so sorry for the attack you experienced before you even met him. To hear how violent it was, Jesus Christ, him weaponising it against you by making you feel like you’re over reacting to him raping you because of the previous rape is unforgivable.

I hate that he has trained you to believe this is love. It’s trauma. And your children are being trained to go into this kind of relationship dynamic themselves as adults, because this dynamic and the cycle of abuse are being normalised to them.

Do you know you don't want to go?

If so, why didn't you feel able to speak honestly at the time?

“Do you know, Mr Poet, that’s a lovely idea. But what I really need right now is a break from this life. Thank you for the offer, but I think I’d like to visit my oldest friend in Europe. I haven’t seen her since X and she’s been asking me to go over. That would be brilliant if you could have the kids and give me a break. I’ll check out the times and prices now.”

I wouldn't leave the kids with him. I'd just say no, I don't want to go on a weekend away. You don't have to state a reason.

Thank you ❤️
I was never the same again to be honest. I was 18, first year of uni. The boy I thought it was was similar age and I saw him most days after that. I didn’t deal with it, have therapy or tell many people. I was crippled by shame to tell my mum. Lost so much weight and was drinking a bottle of wine every night. I went on anti depressants from the gp but didn’t say why. My mum begged me to tell her if something had happened but I just denied it. I met H shortly after this and moved in with him. Then I was so happy and my family could see that so it was all kind of forgotten.

He was angry with this boy of course but I couldn’t be sure it was him due to having no memory of the assault, I only remember kissing him beforehand and people had made comments about us being seen together.

I think back now and I wish I had done something about it but this was more than 10 years ago and it was less common for girls to speak up I think. I remember a friend telling me not to ruin his whole life over a drunken mistake that went wrong 😞

I believe this fucked me up for life

That assault at university has had a devastating impact on you Poet, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t have a happy, free life in future.

You were an extremely vulnerable teenager when you met your 30-something now husband. He utterly took advantage of you, and made you believe you were ‘broken’ and therefore lucky he was saving you.

A decent man of his age would never entertain the idea of a relationship with a vulnerable teenager.

oh poet, it’s actually amazing that you got your degree. I don’t believe you are fucked up. Your posts ooze compassion. You obviously have a lovely mum who
knew you weren’t ok, maybe with some therapy you could speak to her about it now. What you experienced at 18 was horrific and I’m so sorry you met your husband so soon after. I can understand how falling for someone who treated you well and gave you attention could be appealing. It’s awful that it’s turned out this way. I feel really angry towards your husband because I believe he’s preyed on your vulnerability. You sound like such a lovely woman. I bet you’re a great mother. You need to start putting your own needs first. One day you will be free from the stress that he creates. You deserve a peaceful, happy life.

OP you are not fucked up at all.
You have been repeatedly traumatised by sick abusive men.

Period.

why?
because if you totally realise that its rape, you could report him to the police and he could end up in jail with people doing to him what he is doing to you.
or you might divorce him and his dirty washing is in public.
Better to play the victim and wait for the next lady to come and rescue the poor dad left alone with all the kids