(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

You’re not a broken record, your responses are typical of someone who has been abused in multiple ways by their partner.

You say you love your husband. But you must love your children more, I assume?

And them witnessing this relationship, as well as his temper flare ups and the classic abuse cycle (explosion, apologise, calm, explosion etc) is literally training your precious, innocent children to be in abusive relationships themselves as adults.

They are being taught by his actions, and your response to them (and toleration of them) that this is what it looks like when someone loves you. That this is a healthy and acceptable way for someone to treat you if they love you.

You will be utterly haunted by the decision to stay with him if one of your children ends up being abused and assaulted and raped in their own relationships. And statistically the longer you stay with him, the more likely that is to happen.

His behaviour hasn’t improved, it has escalated. It’s time now to put your children’s futures first and not force them to witness this abuse (if you and of them) under the illusion of ‘happy families’ any longer.

The other thing to consider is that if one of them tells a teacher or friend (who tells a parent) that their dad calls them names, throws things, drives dangerously to punish / scare them etc then the decision about what to do next could be out of your hands. The safest way to stay in control of your children’s wellbeing is to pursue professional help proactively.

Im very pleased you’ve spoken to your friend, I know that was a huge step.

Please consider the impact than normalising this relationship and family dynamic (explosion, apology, calm, explosion etc) is having on your children. It is very, very serious in addition to the sexual abuse and rapes you are a victim of yourself.

Your children are being trained to be abuse victims.

100% this - the blissful happy marriage doesn’t exist. This spells out the reality of the abusive cycle you’re trapped in that you seem to romanticise.

Of course you don’t want to think of it that way, it would make day to day living alongside him impossible. Which is exactly why you should feel proud of yourself for coming back here and for going to therapy, because you are trying to confront this. It may take time but you will need help to see him and your relationship as it really is.

You do know what he’s like, deep down. You are careful with your wording to him, you can’t be fully open with him, you fear how he would react if you left him, that he would make life difficult. You are in bed at home where you should feel safe instead feeling panic, waking in a sweat. Everything you say points to him being lovely on the surface with a lot of danger lurking beneath.

A good marriage, true love, is calm, kind and equal. A true partnership. The freedom to speak exactly as you like without putting it though a filter, to make decisions on how you live your life (finances) together. It goes without saying to feel safe and comfortable with your significant other 100% of the time. I’m sorry that you have not experienced it to know otherwise.

He's literally told you he finds it arousing when you're upset.

It's a horrible cycle where he rapes you, then you discuss it with him, he gets sad, days he's sorry and implies that you were giving mixed messages, and then he gets aroused by how upset you are and you end up having sex to make him feel better/rebuild the connection/because you're a people pleaser. You then defend him, what a good guy he is, he had promised to change. Then 2 days later he's back to sexually assaulting and raping you again and the cycle begins again.

OP this is indicative of PTSD along with other things you have said you are experiencing.

I am a psychotherapist.

He wasn't really blaming himself. He already knows he's a rapist. He was manipulating you to feel sorry for him.

indeed.

Its like when people who are lying say

'Are you calling me a liar'

because, unless you have 100% proof, very few people will actually say 'yes I am'

You might fairly expect him to prioritise your feelings, your comfort and your safety. Not for him to make it about how he feels.

Who would you expect to need care and empathy following a rape - the rapist or the raped person?

Why was it him? I bet you ended up comforting him.

And the blaming himself doesn't really wash, when he otherwise tells you it's because he fancies you so much, that you wanted it really, that you were up for it etc etc.

OP you told him that you wanted to take sex off the table for two weeks. You told him before bed and you reminded him at bedtime. You were quite clear.

You told him that you were sore and that you were taking your medication. There is no doubt that he understood this. He made a non committal response. He did not say, yes of course you poor thing, you need to rest. Or even, I'll take myself off to the sofa then.

No, he got into bed with you and raped you. He did that to show you that you don't make decisions about when you have sex, that is his decision, not yours. Two weeks? He didn't even give you 24 hours before raping you.

He is now saying to your face that he is shocked to learn that you didn't want sex that night.

He is acting as if you didn't say you didn't want sex but you did say it.

You know you did, you wrote about it on this thread and it's there in black and white so he can't gaslight that. This proves to you that he is lying - that smoking gun you wanted.

Why didn't he sleep on the sofa that night? Because the moment you said no sex tonight, he knew he was having sex that night. He won't let you call the shots and he will frighten you into never attempting that again.

You said he has even chosen to use the same position as that rape every time since. Normal remorseful response, or getting off on it, what’s more likely?

This is really to the point.

If he was ever sorry about it at all, why would he be re-enacting it every. single. time? He's triggering you into flashbacks.

Whether this is a conscious decision to re-traumatise you or whether the memory gets him off, I don't know. But neither says anything good about him.

It's also quite a dehumanising position - he doesn't look into your eyes, he doesn't kiss you, you're just a faceless helpless body underneath him.

Where's the love and affection in it?

Where's the mutual pleasure? As it's not easy to give clitoral stimulation that way, so seems like literally him using your body like a sex-doll.

I'm not knocking it as a position sometimes, but every time? With that memory attached?

It's not right OP. It's sick.

Honestly OP I could weep for you desperately clinging to the hope that he’s a great guy who just did one bad thing, who doesn’t know he’s doing wrong, who is just a lovely man with a little bit of a temper who misreads signals. You so badly want it to be true that he’ll suddenly have an epiphany and everything will be wonderful.

You know deep down that’s not real but your mind can not yet accept that the father of your children is manipulative controlling abusive monster who is beyond redemption.

I have returned to this thread as I’m sure most of have, hoping that what happened to PP last time, that it would give her a sense of urgency perhaps?
That is telling her over and over that it is rape, that it is abuse of her children to have them living in fear might move the dial.
Real life stories from other survivors, pointed words from professional psychotherapists, while PP reads them I don’t think they do much. They aren’t real life to her. They may be helpful, and I think the thread itself is useful in terms of being a diary and I hope she carries it on.
A man who pinions his wife like this, when he knows she is ill and sore, who doesn’t at least want to look at her directly, but just wants him beneath her like a dead weight, is so so sick I cannot comprehend it.
He is seriously mentally unwell to a level it would take a forensic psychiatrist to assess him.
Like everyone who wants to provide support, I am sure we are all worried that this man will ramp up the ‘jeopardy’ next time he rapes. And I am sure there are real concerns he could snap.
I feel the friend knowing some of this from miles away and being able to do nothing but listen. For the therapist who is trained but still human.
For children who have had a ‘lovely’ few days but know it is fleeting.
I know that Gisele Pelicot when faced with video evidence of her husband’s abuse refused to acknowledge it was him.
There must be such a split in your mind to know your husband rapes you but to still believe you are in love with him.
It is so very sad that this lovely young woman is going through this.

It doesn’t surprise me to hear that you’re having night sweats and physical symptoms, Poet. Living in a constant state of fight or flight, of ongoing stress and anxiety has a huge impact on the body as well as the mind.

I know you’re struggling to come to terms with this, to accept the reality of your situation. It’ll take time before you can truly see how bad things are. If it’s not already been suggested, you may want to do the Freedom Programme. That would help you to understand it all a bit more clearly, I think.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Even if you do not want to act on it, you should know that these physical symptoms are telling you the truth, Poet.

Save yourself the exhaustion of trying to think it out back-and-forth: Did he? Didn’t he? Did he?….

I echo that I feel very sad for Pink Poet. It is abundantly clear through your posts PP that you are a fundamentally good person who only sees the best in people, puts others first and is kind. What is so sad is it is those lovely traits that you possess as a person that your husband is exploiting in the worse way possible.

It must be so so hard for you PP to face this reality that your husband is a rapist when your default is to see the best in people. It goes against everything you know and really shatters what will be your core values- thinking that people are always good. What compounds that is that this isn’t just any person- it’s your husband whom no doubt you fell in love with for what you perceived to be his positive traits. To acknowledge and digest that perhaps those traits were a lie, an act or manipulation must feel like too much. Having followed your thread for some time now I think you are doing incredibly well in trying to face this, by coming here, by making a disclosure and by going to therapy. That takes courage.

It might not be today nor tomorrow but I think you will get to the stage where you are able to accept what you know already deep down. That your husband is not the person you originally thought he was. Keep plugging away.

Until then (and I think this has been said already) keep a locked note on your phone of all of the awful behaviours, the boundary crossing, the occasions when he loses his temper etc. I think that is useful so you can revisit it when you are doubting your sanity having been gaslit. It will also be incredibly useful if you ever get to the stage where you might consider applying for a non molestation order

Thank you everyone ❤️
Have another therapy session next week too.

He wants to book a weekend away just us so we can ‘reconnect’ without stress of the kids. He often wants to do things like this when he knows he’s done wrong. Not sure if this is a good idea or I should make an excuse why we can’t at the moment .

Absolutely do not go OP. He needs to back off and he is just not listening to you.
Say no. You’re dealing with a lot and you want sex off the table and to concentrate on your therapy.

And I also wanted to say I absolutely know it’s gross that he keeps wanting to repeat the same or similar position and that it’s not easy for me to be involved when I’m face down. This is something I am aware of - and makes me feel degraded - I just haven’t quite got the courage to properly think about it yet

But what has he “done wrong”? What do you mean by that?

He knows the therapy will lead you to think about issues, he’s already pre-empting some love bombing to distract you.

This is what I think too, OP. He knows you’re questioning things in a way you weren’t before, he’s trying to reassert control over you. It really isn't a good idea to go away with him, sorry.

Ironically, looking after 4 children isn’t the part of your home life causing the stress. I agree you shouldn’t go if possible to avoid. It’s interesting how he can find money for a weekend away but things were too tight for therapy a few weeks ago.

If you do end up agreeing to a trip does that mean he says leave all the details to him and he’ll surprise you? Definitely don’t agree on those terms. You don’t want remote or isolated with him.

Well I know it’s not the right way to describe it but he knows I’m upset/struggling mentally with all this l. I guess at best this is him trying to ‘make it up ‘ to me and at worst it’s love bombing/him trying to get me to shut up.

He also wants us to have some ‘time’ without the kids , as 4 means we don’t have a lot of time to ourselves , so maybe he means well have more time for slower sex , more intimacy etc .

I will say not right now. Maybe in a few months .

Absolutely not. This would not be safe for you.

There have been cases where women have 'fallen' into ravines and things whilst out for a romantic walk with their partner.

His timing is very suspicious. You are not letting this go. You are continuing with therapy. He is getting nervous.

Yes he usually researches it and organises it all as he’ll pay for it

ok good advice thank you