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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

976 replies

ByPinkPoet0 · 02/04/2026 11:13

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
augustusglupe · 14/04/2026 09:57

shoppingred54 · 14/04/2026 09:05

The problem is the therapy is expensive and if he’s paying for it then it’s not going to be weekly nor lengthy.

If Poet went to the GP there will probably be a bit of a wait but she’ll get access to free support, so I’d be doing that now too.

Yes and the GP would be private too.

’He asked how the session was’?!
I bet he bloody did!! It’s non of his flaming business, it’s your therapy, nothing to do with him apart from the fact that he’s the cause.
Stop talking and opening up to him Poet or if you have to talk to him, just lie, make up the complete opposite but do not tell him the truth. It will all be used against you at some point.
You’re not talking to someone who gives a toss about anyone but himself anyway. He is not the person you think you’re in love with.
If you’re staying for now or whatever, you’ll feel better by at least clawing back some independence & quietly making plans for moving forward.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/04/2026 10:17

'When I got home he asked me how the session was as I told him. I told him, while being careful with words, that I felt he was still overstepping my boundaries by starting sex acts when I’m still sleeping and I am feeling pressured to consent because of the position I’m already in. He seemed genuinely shocked '

of course he was shocked ! as he thinks it's all over as he has stopped sleeping on the sofa ! how long did he sleep on the sofa ? 2 nights ?
He is supposed to still be on the sofa ! as sex is supposed to be off the cards for x days / weeks until you want it.

Did you manage to use the word rape to the therapist
did you manage to use the word rape to your friend

I know you haven't used the word rape to your husband as you admit you were being careful with your words.

NotAWurstToIt · 14/04/2026 10:51

I think PinkPoetAgain, he doesn’t believe you have agency - you can change your mind before or during sex - e.g you can say yes, then say no or you can say no, then decide to say yes. The point is you decide this.
It’s not mixed signals to do this and most humans manage to navigate this without raping someone else.
The difference here is, that he is using your previous consent as an excuse to say that means that you are always consenting, when clearly you are not.
Starting to have sex with someone in their sleep and holding them face down using force are not situations where your consent is freely given. He knows this and he’s acting surprised, because if he doesn’t he’d have to admit out loud that he is fully aware he’s assaulting you and doesn’t care.
This is all about him, his needs and wants. You’re tying yourself in knots about how you may have come across to him, what signals you may have given him to make him think it’s ok (none btw), but I very much doubt he’s analysing his own behaviour in this depth, nor is he thinking about you.

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 11:04

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/04/2026 10:17

'When I got home he asked me how the session was as I told him. I told him, while being careful with words, that I felt he was still overstepping my boundaries by starting sex acts when I’m still sleeping and I am feeling pressured to consent because of the position I’m already in. He seemed genuinely shocked '

of course he was shocked ! as he thinks it's all over as he has stopped sleeping on the sofa ! how long did he sleep on the sofa ? 2 nights ?
He is supposed to still be on the sofa ! as sex is supposed to be off the cards for x days / weeks until you want it.

Did you manage to use the word rape to the therapist
did you manage to use the word rape to your friend

I know you haven't used the word rape to your husband as you admit you were being careful with your words.

No I still can’t use the word , it feels too extreme even though I know that’s what happened :(

my friend said it though

my husband has used the word. When I first brought it up with him he said ‘it sounds like you’re suggesting that I r**ped you…’ before he broke down devastated , told me he was a terrible person, doesn’t deserve me etc etc

DropOfffArtiste · 14/04/2026 11:14

"my husband has used the word. When I first brought it up with him he said ‘it sounds like you’re suggesting that I r**ped you…’ before he broke down devastated , told me he was a terrible person, doesn’t deserve me etc etc"

He did rape you. He is a terrible person and doesn't deserve you. Believe this.

YourOliveBalonz · 14/04/2026 11:16

NotAWurstToIt · 14/04/2026 10:51

I think PinkPoetAgain, he doesn’t believe you have agency - you can change your mind before or during sex - e.g you can say yes, then say no or you can say no, then decide to say yes. The point is you decide this.
It’s not mixed signals to do this and most humans manage to navigate this without raping someone else.
The difference here is, that he is using your previous consent as an excuse to say that means that you are always consenting, when clearly you are not.
Starting to have sex with someone in their sleep and holding them face down using force are not situations where your consent is freely given. He knows this and he’s acting surprised, because if he doesn’t he’d have to admit out loud that he is fully aware he’s assaulting you and doesn’t care.
This is all about him, his needs and wants. You’re tying yourself in knots about how you may have come across to him, what signals you may have given him to make him think it’s ok (none btw), but I very much doubt he’s analysing his own behaviour in this depth, nor is he thinking about you.

All of this!!

WonderingAndOverthinking · 14/04/2026 11:16

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 11:04

No I still can’t use the word , it feels too extreme even though I know that’s what happened :(

my friend said it though

my husband has used the word. When I first brought it up with him he said ‘it sounds like you’re suggesting that I r**ped you…’ before he broke down devastated , told me he was a terrible person, doesn’t deserve me etc etc

Show quote history

That’s called emotional blackmail.

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 11:19

WonderingAndOverthinking · 14/04/2026 11:16

That’s called emotional blackmail.

Show quote history

Ok - I accept it does seem like he’s making himself the victim . But what kind of reaction should I have expected ? Not devastation? Not blaming himself ?

TwistedWonder · 14/04/2026 11:24

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 11:19

Ok - I accept it does seem like he’s making himself the victim . But what kind of reaction should I have expected ? Not devastation? Not blaming himself ?

Show quote history

Him not continuing to rape you on a regular basis rather than crocodile tears then thinking with his dick within hours would be the proper reaction

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 11:24

NotAWurstToIt · 14/04/2026 10:51

I think PinkPoetAgain, he doesn’t believe you have agency - you can change your mind before or during sex - e.g you can say yes, then say no or you can say no, then decide to say yes. The point is you decide this.
It’s not mixed signals to do this and most humans manage to navigate this without raping someone else.
The difference here is, that he is using your previous consent as an excuse to say that means that you are always consenting, when clearly you are not.
Starting to have sex with someone in their sleep and holding them face down using force are not situations where your consent is freely given. He knows this and he’s acting surprised, because if he doesn’t he’d have to admit out loud that he is fully aware he’s assaulting you and doesn’t care.
This is all about him, his needs and wants. You’re tying yourself in knots about how you may have come across to him, what signals you may have given him to make him think it’s ok (none btw), but I very much doubt he’s analysing his own behaviour in this depth, nor is he thinking about you.

You are absolutely right on that, he is not tying himself in knots over it. I know that.

To him every time we discuss it it’s done and we can move on

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 14/04/2026 11:25

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 11:19

Ok - I accept it does seem like he’s making himself the victim . But what kind of reaction should I have expected ? Not devastation? Not blaming himself ?

Show quote history

Keeping his hands off you and not pressuring you further more sex would be the expected response. Instead of assaulting you twice again last week when you couldn’t consent.

FMc208 · 14/04/2026 11:25

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 11:24

You are absolutely right on that, he is not tying himself in knots over it. I know that.

To him every time we discuss it it’s done and we can move on

Show quote history

Until he rapes you again.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/04/2026 11:26

and again and again...

TwistedWonder · 14/04/2026 11:27

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 11:24

You are absolutely right on that, he is not tying himself in knots over it. I know that.

To him every time we discuss it it’s done and we can move on

Show quote history

No he just thinks you’ll STFU and just keep consenting to be raped if he cries a few fake tears

DropOfffArtiste · 14/04/2026 11:37

If you felt you had seriously harmed someone you love, something as serious as rape, wouldn't you be prepared to do anything, anything so they weren't harmed again?

You certainly wouldn't be sulking, harrassing, groping, joking about it in public within days, let alone doing the exact same thing and telling them they wanted it really.

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 11:38

honestly I wish I could just get over it and not feel sad anymore and we could get back to how we were and I wouldn’t feel so awful 😞

I told the therapist that.

Truthfully, the incident in the middle of the night the other night, if that had happened before I started having all these flashbacks of the r**e I would have let it go and probably brushed it off as him being a horny idiot and not been quite so upset by it. But the fact I’ve been replaying the other thing and waking up in cold sweats and generally being anxious and on edge it’s just made it all feel much worse .

DropOfffArtiste · 14/04/2026 11:43

But there wasn't a "how we were", was there?

When you first met he was drunk and abusive and terrifying.

You had to defend him to family and friends and kept his abuse secret.

He manipulated and groomed you from a young age, then kept you pregnant and vulnerable so you couldn't easily leave him.

He continues to be regularly abusive, with a violent temper, to you and the kids.

He manipulates, gaslights, financially controls you and humiliates you in front of his friends.

Even ignoring all his appalling sexual abuse, this is not a good relationship.

DropOfffArtiste · 14/04/2026 11:44

You are saying if he hadn't raped you before you wouldn't have been so traumatised when he keeps raping you.

This is no way to live.

YourOliveBalonz · 14/04/2026 11:46

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 11:19

Ok - I accept it does seem like he’s making himself the victim . But what kind of reaction should I have expected ? Not devastation? Not blaming himself ?

Show quote history

You should expect a change in behaviour. Action, in short.

He can even spin a conversation about him raping you into sex, I think that happened straight after your first chat? I said at the time your consent after that chat wasn’t the point. Someone genuinely remorseful and shocked to find out they had raped their partner would not be in the mood for sex. Let alone everything that’s happened since. You said he has even chosen to use the same position as that rape every time since. Normal remorseful response, or getting off on it, what’s more likely?

FMc208 · 14/04/2026 11:47

DropOfffArtiste · 14/04/2026 11:44

You are saying if he hadn't raped you before you wouldn't have been so traumatised when he keeps raping you.

This is no way to live.

This.

OP you’re now in the next part of the cycle - minimising his behaviour, thinking it’s not that bad, defending him.

You have to find the strength to act for your children. You need to put them and their wellbeing before your ‘love’ for this man. Because just now you are complicit in THEIR abuse from him.

augustusglupe · 14/04/2026 11:49

You’ll never get back to how you were, because it wasn’t real. It’s all an act & textbook aswell. He’s the classic abuser. The crocodile tears, apologies, lovely honeymoon period where you feel happy, for a day or so and then it begins again.
You do need to make some decisions now. It’s not just you in this.

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 11:54

YourOliveBalonz · 14/04/2026 11:46

You should expect a change in behaviour. Action, in short.

He can even spin a conversation about him raping you into sex, I think that happened straight after your first chat? I said at the time your consent after that chat wasn’t the point. Someone genuinely remorseful and shocked to find out they had raped their partner would not be in the mood for sex. Let alone everything that’s happened since. You said he has even chosen to use the same position as that rape every time since. Normal remorseful response, or getting off on it, what’s more likely?

Show quote history

Yes you’re right he brought it back round to sex after the chat , so we could feel ‘trust’ and ‘safe’.

I just don’t like to think of it that way. That he actually finds turn on when I’m sad or compliant. My brain can’t compute it . Who does that?! This is all so wrong . It doesn’t marry up with the guy he is majority of the time. I’ve said all this before I know… broken record sorry

augustusglupe · 14/04/2026 12:01

As I said, the guy he is ‘most of the time’ is an act.
Close down, tell him nothing, protect yourself & your children.

WonderingAndOverthinking · 14/04/2026 12:03

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 11:54

Yes you’re right he brought it back round to sex after the chat , so we could feel ‘trust’ and ‘safe’.

I just don’t like to think of it that way. That he actually finds turn on when I’m sad or compliant. My brain can’t compute it . Who does that?! This is all so wrong . It doesn’t marry up with the guy he is majority of the time. I’ve said all this before I know… broken record sorry

Show quote history

But you don’t feel “trust” or “safe”.

He literally does not care about you, he shows it in his actions every day. You even said you thought he would move on to the next woman asap if you left him.

The perfect life you insist on telling us about wasn’t real for him, or you if you are completely honest with yourself.

annoyedatlandlord · 14/04/2026 12:03

Hi PinkPoet, when you said before that he had raped you from behind while you were heavily pregnant, I assumed you meant in the 'spooning position', lying on your sides. Do you mean he pressed you and your pregnant tummy directly down onto the bed?