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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

976 replies

ByPinkPoet0 · 02/04/2026 11:13

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
bigboykitty · 13/04/2026 22:31

OP is seeing the cycle now.

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 13/04/2026 23:40

Core not fire :)

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 06:56

Yesterday was a big day in terms of emotions for me. I spoke to my my best friend on the phone on the way home from work and it was hard telling her what’s going on but I did. She was very worried about what’s been happening, but supportive and reassured me that I have every right to be upset. She also encouraged me to keep going to therapy and said she’s always there for me , etc etc , although she lives a long way away.

I also had another face to face therapy session after asking her a lot of questions about confidentiality! I did manage to vocalise most of what’s been going on and she was a good listener. She wanted me to think about why if I am really afraid of him or afraid of destroying our life as we know it. Which I thought was interesting. I cried ALOT in the session and I felt like it was a huge weight off.

When I got home he asked me how the session was as I told him. I told him, while being careful with words, that I felt he was still overstepping my boundaries by starting sex acts when I’m still sleeping and I am feeling pressured to consent because of the position I’m already in. He seemed genuinely shocked and said he really thought I was into it. I’m not sure what to think about that. I’m not sure what kind of vibes I’m giving off.

as always thank you for the amazing support ❤️ you are right that I am not ready to make any decisions yet. The truth is I am still hugely in love with him and the thought of having to live without him actually feels worse than what is currently happening. Sorry if this is horrible to read but I’m encouraged to be honest by PPs and not just say what I think people want to hear. Our connection is very strong and whether that’s a trauma bond or what , it feels very real to me.

category12 · 14/04/2026 07:14

It's not "vibes" you're giving off, it's a narrative he is trying to convince you of.

He rewrites the history and tells you how you feel or that you don't feel what you know you feel, or didn't experience what you experienced. His voice overpowers your voice.

It would be very inconvenient for him if you were not confused and wanting to believe him.

He probably doesn't think of himself as a rapist or abuser, but that doesn't change that he is one.

category12 · 14/04/2026 07:27

I mean, if he listened to the words you said & respected them, and didn't just fuck you when he wants to, he loses out on the sex & power & ego-trip.

If he convinces you you must have wanted it anyway, it suits him very well.

DropOfffArtiste · 14/04/2026 07:28

The idea that you are giving off "vibes" when saying no, asleep or violently pinned down is part of a misogynist narrative that women are always "up for it" or "get what they deserve".

You said his family believe that victims of sexual abuse deserve it and this belief has doubtless been reinforced by years of violent, rape porn.

Interesting that whatever he says, no matter how ludicrous or obviously false, you instantly leap to doubting your own perceptions rather than just realise he is lying.

FMc208 · 14/04/2026 07:38

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 06:56

Yesterday was a big day in terms of emotions for me. I spoke to my my best friend on the phone on the way home from work and it was hard telling her what’s going on but I did. She was very worried about what’s been happening, but supportive and reassured me that I have every right to be upset. She also encouraged me to keep going to therapy and said she’s always there for me , etc etc , although she lives a long way away.

I also had another face to face therapy session after asking her a lot of questions about confidentiality! I did manage to vocalise most of what’s been going on and she was a good listener. She wanted me to think about why if I am really afraid of him or afraid of destroying our life as we know it. Which I thought was interesting. I cried ALOT in the session and I felt like it was a huge weight off.

When I got home he asked me how the session was as I told him. I told him, while being careful with words, that I felt he was still overstepping my boundaries by starting sex acts when I’m still sleeping and I am feeling pressured to consent because of the position I’m already in. He seemed genuinely shocked and said he really thought I was into it. I’m not sure what to think about that. I’m not sure what kind of vibes I’m giving off.

as always thank you for the amazing support ❤️ you are right that I am not ready to make any decisions yet. The truth is I am still hugely in love with him and the thought of having to live without him actually feels worse than what is currently happening. Sorry if this is horrible to read but I’m encouraged to be honest by PPs and not just say what I think people want to hear. Our connection is very strong and whether that’s a trauma bond or what , it feels very real to me.

Which is fine if it was just the two of you. But you have children you need to put before your ‘love’ for this man

YourOliveBalonz · 14/04/2026 07:40

I’m glad you had a good session, great that you managed to talk about things openly - I imagine you must feel a bit wrung out but that you found it cathartic is great. I hope future sessions really help you to unpick your own thought processes around this.

I’m not going to attack you for how you feel about any of this, I just want to challenge this:

“I’m not sure what kind of vibes I’m giving off.”

Please believe me, this is not a you problem. You didn’t do anything. The vibe a sleeping person gives off is that of a person sleeping. Once awake to the situation you found yourself in - face down, pinned - I think the main vibe you would give (without the encounter starting off face to face and enthusiastically) is of someone being raped.

YourOliveBalonz · 14/04/2026 07:55

Also, he doesn’t only re-write the narrative to you, it’s there in his joking about your sex life with friends. With how he alludes to that, missing out on sleep wink wink, what image would that conjure for you? I’m sure they would think he’s crass and not think anything at all, but it’s supposed to conjure up the image of you, his younger wife, being very active and insatiable, and yet satisfied by him. In reality, your role is to literally lie there unable to move.

shoppingred54 · 14/04/2026 08:02

Pinkpoet that first session is always going to be daunting and it takes a few to get into it and to build trust. When is the next one? The relief from being able to cry must be great.

You mentioned before that you were going to ask your parents for money to pay for these. Could you do that and have weekly sessions and tell your husband you’re going monthly. He will try to put you off going regularly if you start to question him/call him out. I had therapy and it has to be regular.

Your husband is a very good actor. Mine was too. Very good at playing the victim.

ThisJadeBear · 14/04/2026 08:11

PP said before she went to sleep that she had a migraine, was sore and did not want to have sex.
She did not suddenly decide to be ‘into it’ whilst unconscious.
The phone call and therapy were huge steps.
I hope the therapist really helps.
Reading these threads has been a terrible window into what abuse is like when it’s insidious.
That PP is still madly in love with this man.
And in her heart she knows he is a rapist and his own children are scared of him.

PinkNosy · 14/04/2026 09:00

I told him, while being careful with words, that I felt he was still overstepping my boundaries by starting sex acts when I’m still sleeping and I am feeling pressured to consent because of the position I’m already in. He seemed genuinely shocked and said he really thought I was into it.

If this was really a non-abusive, healthy relationship, a few things I would expect that would then likely follow, him having had this horrific realisation:

  • A discussion between the two of you about specific instances where clearly wires have been crossed, why that happened, how can you both communicate better
  • A suggestion from him to take sex off the table for a period, as he is also now so worried about messing up again
  • He no longer initiates sex for a period as he is terrified of getting it wrong; if/when you do have sex again he stops multiple times to check you are ok/into it
  • If somehow during this period of reset you woke up to find him masturbating next to you/over you, you would have no problem getting up, turning on the light, pointing out this is exactly what you are referring to and to stop it. And he would stop.
NettleTea · 14/04/2026 09:02

ThisJadeBear · 14/04/2026 08:11

PP said before she went to sleep that she had a migraine, was sore and did not want to have sex.
She did not suddenly decide to be ‘into it’ whilst unconscious.
The phone call and therapy were huge steps.
I hope the therapist really helps.
Reading these threads has been a terrible window into what abuse is like when it’s insidious.
That PP is still madly in love with this man.
And in her heart she knows he is a rapist and his own children are scared of him.

this is all true.

The therapy sounds alot better than the previous one you were having, and I hope you are still staying oin the wait list for the DV specialist - sadly alot of therapists are good for personal realisation but they dont have grounding in DA. However they can help you to get stronger in yourself and reframe some of your thinking that harms you. It may be good actually to have that strength built, before you dive in with the DV one

shoppingred54 · 14/04/2026 09:05

The problem is the therapy is expensive and if he’s paying for it then it’s not going to be weekly nor lengthy.

If Poet went to the GP there will probably be a bit of a wait but she’ll get access to free support, so I’d be doing that now too.

DropOfffArtiste · 14/04/2026 09:20

PinkNosy · 14/04/2026 09:00

I told him, while being careful with words, that I felt he was still overstepping my boundaries by starting sex acts when I’m still sleeping and I am feeling pressured to consent because of the position I’m already in. He seemed genuinely shocked and said he really thought I was into it.

If this was really a non-abusive, healthy relationship, a few things I would expect that would then likely follow, him having had this horrific realisation:

  • A discussion between the two of you about specific instances where clearly wires have been crossed, why that happened, how can you both communicate better
  • A suggestion from him to take sex off the table for a period, as he is also now so worried about messing up again
  • He no longer initiates sex for a period as he is terrified of getting it wrong; if/when you do have sex again he stops multiple times to check you are ok/into it
  • If somehow during this period of reset you woke up to find him masturbating next to you/over you, you would have no problem getting up, turning on the light, pointing out this is exactly what you are referring to and to stop it. And he would stop.

If this were possible, he would've taken all those steps when OP told him how she felt about the pregnancy rape. But he didn't. He sulked, manipulated and then forced her within a matter of days.

He knows what he is doing and he enjoys her hurt and humiliation. He is not shocked and he is not going to stop. The more she realises and questions it, the more he ramps up the abuse and control.

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 09:26

shoppingred54 · 14/04/2026 09:05

The problem is the therapy is expensive and if he’s paying for it then it’s not going to be weekly nor lengthy.

If Poet went to the GP there will probably be a bit of a wait but she’ll get access to free support, so I’d be doing that now too.

Unfortunately the wait for mental health support in my area is years.
The one I am waiting for (SA specialist one) I believe is free. I will do that when I’m offered it

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 09:27

DropOfffArtiste · 14/04/2026 09:20

If this were possible, he would've taken all those steps when OP told him how she felt about the pregnancy rape. But he didn't. He sulked, manipulated and then forced her within a matter of days.

He knows what he is doing and he enjoys her hurt and humiliation. He is not shocked and he is not going to stop. The more she realises and questions it, the more he ramps up the abuse and control.

Nothing has happened since the last time I wrote , a few days ago.

DropOfffArtiste · 14/04/2026 09:33

But he has forced you since you told him how you felt about the rape while pregnant. When he admitted it, apologised, you cried and asked for a break.

He slept on the sofa for a couple of nights, moaned about it, you felt guilty.

He then forced you again at the weekend and humiliated you in front of his friends.

DropOfffArtiste · 14/04/2026 09:34

If he were really shocked and apologetic, he wouldn't need telling multiple times.

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 09:40

Absolutely I agree with this , I am partly to blame here to because I’m not good at setting my boundaries firmly. Never have been and quite often in the past I’ve initially said no and then gone on to have sex so he might well think I ‘like it’. A bit like the thrill of the chase/playing hard to get thing.

Im not sure how to write this so it makes sense but before he took it way too far and forced me 3 years ago sometimes I used to say no initially but he would maybe start kissing me or touching me and then I’d change my mind and we’d have great sex . So I can understand it might be confusing for him. In my head, since that night Im ultra sensitive about it and struggling with trust but he doesn’t seem to understand that. Or care - as some people have said.

Hence why he says I know you like it really , you were fully into it etc etc . Things have changed for me but not him it seems

shoppingred54 · 14/04/2026 09:46

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 09:26

Unfortunately the wait for mental health support in my area is years.
The one I am waiting for (SA specialist one) I believe is free. I will do that when I’m offered it

I am meaning you will get access to Women’s Aid where you’ll be able to discuss the wider situation - no autonomy, financial control etc - that you find yourself in.

You’re beginning to question your own sanity again because he’s been nice to you for a few days.

PinkNosy · 14/04/2026 09:48

If this really is a reset then, how does he propose to solve this issue when he keeps having sex with you honestly believing you are very into it but actually you are not?
Because - if he's really acting in good faith - he can't simply be upset by this revelation but then not make any further suggestions as to how this can never ever happen again, surely?

DropOfffArtiste · 14/04/2026 09:50

It sounds like he has never respected your boundaries from the start.

But a bit of kissing and you changing your mind is a very different scenario to being woken up, pinned down and violently raped.

He knows that.

DropOfffArtiste · 14/04/2026 09:53

PinkNosy · 14/04/2026 09:48

If this really is a reset then, how does he propose to solve this issue when he keeps having sex with you honestly believing you are very into it but actually you are not?
Because - if he's really acting in good faith - he can't simply be upset by this revelation but then not make any further suggestions as to how this can never ever happen again, surely?

Yes, he needs to figure out how to ensure he never, ever oversteps your boundaries again.

BuckChuckets · 14/04/2026 09:54

PinkPoetAgain · 14/04/2026 09:26

Unfortunately the wait for mental health support in my area is years.
The one I am waiting for (SA specialist one) I believe is free. I will do that when I’m offered it

I think the PP was talking about immediate support for your safety and your children's safety. I don't mean you have to leave him, because you're obviously not there yet, but you really need support.

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