I suspect the fear of taking things further is the fear of realising truly that every one of these incidents are smoking guns, even though you are making huge psychological twists to convince herself that they are not.
I also wonder if there is an element of 'well I should have left for THAT, but I didnt, and now I cant leave for something that is lesser than that, because it doesnt feel justified.
I know I did similar. There were terrible things he did, and I didnt leave. Well at one point I did but he wormed his way back in. But I kind of didnt feel justified for leaving until the final 'smoking gun' moment which of course eventually came. How could it not.
My therapist said to me that this is a mis-think. Its a bit like the sunk costs theory - the fact you've invested so much time/effort that you need to keep going. False and unsafe. when you need out you need out and it can be for anything, even just 'I dont want this anymore'.
But in this case its also not an equitable view of what is happening.
The circumstances around moving on from event 1 were very specific - as you say, you were extremely vulnerable and 4 weeks from giving birth.
Plus now, knowing he COULD do that, you actively ensure that he doesnt do that - you agree rather than refuse, because truly, I know you believe, or at least dont want to find out, you know he would do it again, or find some way to force agreement, like the other night, so that you dont actually have to face that reality.
he is making you, by his previous behaviour, complicit in your own rape. Especially now he knows that you know it was wrong. He is covering his arse.
In some ways I would say that the most recent event is actually worse than the first one. The first one was shocking to you, it was the first time you realised he had totally crossed your boundary, the time when you realised that if you were crying, thats a very clear signal to stop, and he did not. You tried to pack that away and move on, but like all trauma it has bibbled to the surface at a time when you are strong enough to deal with it
But this time. Knowing what he knew about what had happened previously. Knowing you had been asking (and failing to get) a tiny bit of space, you stated a very clear and very defined boundary about not wanting sex. You even said you were in pain, and for that reason alone, never mind the healing from trauma bit, you said no. When he started in bed, you again clearly said NO.
He knew you had said no very clearly. He knew you were in pain. He knew that the sex that had happened previously was meaning you were needing therapy. He knew that you needed space because of that. These things he did not know the first time it happened. He still went ahead, and then put you into a position where you had no choice but to nod, because deep down both you and I know it wouldnt have made any difference, and you did not want the reality to hit you in the face. By agreeing you can tell yourself it wasnt the same. But it was. It was worse.
And I think you know that if you speak to the police they would agree and you wouldnt be able to hide behind (for your own mental protection) the stories you tell yourself because the reality is too horrific and is something you cannot go back from.
You dont need however to go to the police (although I would, and the reason being is that you are also financially controlled and you need as much support from legal aid as possible, as he is going to screw you over if he can, Plus more importantly he WILL use the children to try to control you, and recently laws have changed around separation, and you will need to protect your children.)
I did not want to say these last couple of paragraphs at this point because you are scared and vulnerable, and you dont want to think about the leaving bit yet, but his behaviour has escalated dangerously, and my fear is that although he is in 'nice' at the moment, the next nasty is going to be very serious, especially if he feels you have not put yourself back in the box. Right now you will only be safe if you completely stop doing or asking any questions or stopping him having sex. So no more discussions about money, no more refusals. He is on high alert. He knows something is up. Its only going to take something small to make the switch.